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Do i need to change? Which iam not able too..Please help me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SwathiRamana, Apr 23, 2014.

  1. SwathiRamana

    SwathiRamana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Most of you people know me ...Kindly read my earlier threads to understand more.

    We are moving to new house on May 01, 2014...But as mentioned earlier, my husband is in depression that he took a wrong decision of moving from house after all so much nonsense my FIL created and put blames on me..et.c.,

    When i ask him for the same, my husband has no answer and gets irritated...we fought many times on this.

    Today it ahs been the same, i was seeing from past 4 days he is very sad, i feel like crying, but controlling as he hates crying but today i couldn't control and i asked him why are you behaving like this why you suffer and make me suffer for the same..when he feel about his wrong decision, i feel bad because he did it for me and suffering for the same, iam in guilt that my husband suffering from me..i go mad n crazy..it became big...i told him i will die and i wanted itto..some big scene for 3 hours ..he even cried and felt bad that iam making him more depressed because of this behavior, then i felt real bad that he is till blaming me iam the reason..frankly speaking iam scared to leave him for a day and go as i love him soooooooooooooo much...this quarrels happens only when he is depressed..i felt very bad after this, that how foolish iam to behave like this...but i feel that iam being the reason for my husband depression..let me leave this earth and make at least their family as he would stay them back.
    Trust i wanted to live very happy, i was a girl took responsibilities after MBA whne my dad got loss in his chits and i became a son to my father..i used to be happy and make other happy.But now i lsot everything from last 6 months iam suffering this and i lost my concentration on my work and led to lot of nuesense in the office.From my BIL marriage iam facing this struggle.

    Can you please suggest me what should i be doing..You know i already to sorry to my husband..i can be happy if he smiles and happy..i thought to leave him for few days as our ILS suggested but couldn't wait more than 4 days....

    Please help out avoiding this...my husband is nice person i love him so madly...
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes you need to change.Stop creating so much drama in your life. You were abused at your inlaws place so you had to move out. Stop treating your husband like a delicate baby. He is an adult and treat him like one.
    Stop asking him about his sadness and depression and stop poking him.It is bordering on nagging. Stop threats about killing yourself.It is extremely cruel thing to do to someone you love.Infact it is the worst that anyone can do.

    Just go about your normal routine and give your husband the time and space he needs to adjust to the change. If you keep asking him...he will keep blaming you. Don't ask....if he expects you do go back into that abusive home..he is being selfish and unfair. You are not to blame,his parents and family are. Next time he blames you...just tell him "blame your family for ill treating your wife because of which we had to move out".

    You really need to stop feeling guilty about the move .It wasn't your fault. By doing so you have tried to save yourself and your child from an abusive environment.

    Try to make your home a pleasant place to be.
    Best Wishes.
     
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  3. SwathiRamana

    SwathiRamana Bronze IL'ite

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    thank you yellow mango..He never blamed me till now.i fell to myself that because of me he is moving out.i request him to be happy.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Was the suffering true? Ask yourself whether you actually felt all such suffering or exaggerated something deliberately or unknowingly to move out from your in-laws.

    If the suffering were really true and unbearable, then your decision to move out is not wrong. Thus you need not to feel guilt. Let your husband stay in depressed mode for sometimes, until he realize that he has done a great help to his wife. To prove this, you need to stay happy and nice. Specially you need to show a change, rather a positive change towards to husband and kid.

    If the reason is the latter, that you were overacted, and exaggerated things to move out purposefully, then a guilt is unavoidable. Just deal with that, by repeatedly telling to yourself that whatever the little or moderate issues you faced, when taken as cumulatively would amount to abuse, and it would seriously harm your psychological health too. So, it is always better to have our own home.

    To make DH happy and out from his depression, you can be a good volunteer in patching up with in laws, be a bigger person in forgiving their mistakes, and maintain a good relationship with them by staying far from them.
     
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  5. SwathiRamana

    SwathiRamana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi, It is true they blamed me that i have done theft in my cosis room which i donot enter at all..i beared my cosis and shut my mouth for inlaws and my husband to avoid seperation..but blaming me they left the house early ofcourse they had a reason that my BIL office is far.so then we decided to stay back for my inlaws then my FIL balmed me and shouted at us for nonsense.being my husband so good he is ok whatever his father told to him but icannot take it..because i ahev done so much for them and they blamed me which killed my trust on them..iam talking to MIL normal its only that i cannot forgive FIL because he created damage to my life in my husband s fmaily talking wrong things about me...
    thank you for the suggestion..
     
  6. SwathiRamana

    SwathiRamana Bronze IL'ite

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    191 views only 2 replies? kindly suggest
     
  7. nravi63

    nravi63 New IL'ite

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    namasthe swathi garu. i think u r dealing with personality traits. i dont want to go into the details. just let me explain how to face the situation. first and foremost no suicide thoughts. if u agree, i will further suggest. ok.

    u r being blamed for theft and ur sil left the house. now ur going out of the house may totally be against you, may generate a faulty, guilty image of u. because u had done no wrong, stay back in your house and fight against odds. i accept it is very difficult to pull along in an unpleasant situation. stay in the house with your f-i-l and win their confidence through ur mil. display and prove that you are ready to render any kind of help to ur in laws, what ever be their fault finding tactics. never never try to run away from the situation, it wont help to resolve the issue. instead try to take a vacation with your husband - go for some conducted tours, aruku valley, etc.
    try to be more close with your husband. after all he is a man.

    pl post me the present improvements, for suggestions.

    welcome and happy life in the name of sai.
     
  8. SwathiRamana

    SwathiRamana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ravi,

    We already purchaed a house to move.Moving would not be stopped, my cosis left the house, i knew its againist me, but we have taken the decision and ofcourse iam not talking to FIL, because i ahev done a lot for them which they completely ignore and supporting people who shouted at them which i hate it...
     
  9. rkgurbani

    rkgurbani IL Hall of Fame

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    All said and done. now there is no point in creating a scene or being negative in any way. Moving to another house may bring a change in luck in your life. See it as a positive sign.
    Put everything in the past and now think of how you can improve relationship with your spouse and give everything a second chance.
    May 1st is just a few days away...so look forward to that change. Am sure it will also help your DH a lot.
     
  10. satnam12

    satnam12 Bronze IL'ite

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    hi Swathi...

    I am not too sure, if i am capable of giving you any advice, because i am very bad at it .. but will try :)

    I was sailing in the same boat, when my hubby who is ONLY SON of his parents, took a decision to move out. we did move out on mar-22, and he was behaving
    in the same manner as your hubby.

    Before we move out , i told him 2 things clearly...
    1. That he won't ever blame me for his decision of moving out.
    2. If he is going to be depressed while he is with me and our 2-year old daughter, than we rather stay in a joint family and let things go the way they are currently going on. ( ofcourse this was a risk for me, as he could have changed his mind.. but i took it)

    It did take him sometime to get normal after we moved out from our in-laws house, but now he is perfectly fine and so is his family....

    Being a wife, there is much more happiness that you can give him, let it be physically or mentally.
    You have to create a positive atmosphere in your new house, don't show him that you are depressed because he is depress.. try to be positive, happy & caring.
    Few Tips:
    1. Cook good food.
    2. keep your house always clean.
    3. Respect his parents whenever they come to visit you guys.
    4. Give your in-laws family a warm welcome to your new house.
    5. Whenever you go to your ilaws house, take some gift, sweets, or beautiful flowers for that matter.
    6. And most important beautiful nights..you know what i mean...

    This all can make him realize that his decision of moving was not wrong and so he will be out of his guilt and depression and so will you be.

    Last ... About your FIL..

    Since past few months , i always remember one thing whenever someone is not happy with me ...

    "You cannot be in everybody's GOOD BOOK", so why to bother if they don't like you.

    About suicide... STOP PITYING YOURSELF DEAR, don't get so much affected by someone that you come to an extend of getting this kind of feeling..

    Finally, be practical than emotional ..

    Take care and best wishes...
     

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