I dont want to hurt my MIL....

Thinkingbeauty · Apr 16, 2014

I have been trying to post a new thread. But struggled big time since I am new to IL.
I am happily married with my husband and we are staying out of India for the past 1.5yrs. Very soon after marriage I came to know that my hus smokes. Then he told me he will never smoke when he is in his hometown. IT was just bcoz we were out that he smoked. When we returned back I saw it was a lie. He was smoking almost every other day.
He had some problems in job so I thought may be due to frustration and I did not create a scene out of this. Later I came to know he drinks too. Initially he told me only beer, until I caught him having alcohol. I could smell that literally in his dress.
He used to fool me saying it was his perfume which contains alcohol. He visits his friend’s house and drink. His mother is unaware of all this???
Recently, we moved out of India and these habits became more frequent and off late I feel he can’t be without these things. If I say something he will create a situation on front of either my parents or his parents to fight with me… Because of this I have to keep quiet. I don’t want to fight in front of them. He knows this and so he shows anger on me when he does not get a chance to smoke.
So I even had to find out from his mother when she will be going out and when she will return so that he can smoke before her return. Now since things have gone out of hand what should I do?? We are married since 4 yrs and his mother through me came to know some of these things… But whenever she calls me she asks me whether he smokes or drinks??? I have been telling lies since I don’t want to hurt my
MIL… Should I tell her?? I don’t think I can correct him. I am also sacred that one day he will be caught by his relatives then will I be equally blamed for this trauma???

lucky2 · Apr 16, 2014

you should let her know,it does make a difference..these habits in long run ruins his health, family relations and what not..! your mil might help you to restrict him to an extent. good luck

Thinkingbeauty · Apr 16, 2014

Thanks for the response!!

I have to mention this:

I don't have a FIL, my husband is the only son. she has lot of faith in his son. No one in the family has any bad habits. My MIL always speaks proud about his son. How can I break her heart??? More than my husband s health I am worried for her health.. I tell this to my hus also. He says I will quit but now I need time....I don't believe this though. I have been hearing this since 4 yrs... . apart from this he s a gem of person.

generic · Apr 16, 2014

Since she has asked you this question, you should tell her the truth, she can advice him and monitor him so that these habits do not go out of hand...If she happens to find out herself, she may blame you for hiding this.

persecutedDIL · Apr 16, 2014

Please tell your MIL to ask him. Why step in between mother and son ?
Also, don't indulge in dramas to help your husband smoke. You would be later blamed for it. Instead, ask your husband to be man enough to face the consequences of what he is doing.

Joyoflife · Apr 16, 2014

I think you should let her know. You will not be hurting her or anything. Its not good to hide or cover up for your DH since his is intrested in changing his habits. You should let your Mil know. My dad used to drink alcohol occasionally but my grand ma (dadi) didn't know, when she got to know she straightway blamed my mums relatives for my dads drinking. And your husband is not crediting you for hiding his mistakes so why you have cover up for him.

rachaputi · Apr 16, 2014

Now a days so many medicines are available in the market, and those are user friendly, doesn't give any different taste to the normal food.

Do you tried it??

Thinkingbeauty said: ↑

Thanks for the response!!

I have to mention this:

I don't have a FIL, my husband is the only son. she has lot of faith in his son. No one in the family has any bad habits. My MIL always speaks proud about his son. How can I break her heart??? More than my husband s health I am worried for her health.. I tell this to my hus also. He says I will quit but now I need time....I don't believe this though. I have been hearing this since 4 yrs... . apart from this he s a gem of person.
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thegirlygirl · Apr 16, 2014

I differ in my opinion from the rest of the Ilites.

I don't think you should tell her now, he might lose his trust in you, and in future he will not confide in you on anything.

If possible please help him in coming out of this, I can see that it is affecting his quality of life.
Try talking to him calmly about it, ask him if he wishes to continue this way and ruin his health. If he tells you that he wants to stop him, then help him.
I am sure with your love and support he will able to overcome it, look for professional help if needed.

If things still don't work out, then you need to bring his mother in.

There is no question of your in laws blaming you for his habit since he was into all this before you even married him.

Don't think about social norms and pressure while handling this issue, just think about your hubby's health and your future together while dealing with this.

Good luck!

DKI · Apr 16, 2014

Have you told your husband that your MIL asks these questions? Does he know that she has a doubt on this issue? The very fact that she is asking is because she knows in her heart that he smokes and drinks. She won't blame you for it, but might hold you responsible if you kept it from her.

My father smoked 1 cig a day for a long time. He would keep the cigs and matches in the bathroom on a high shelf so that it was not visible. One day my grandma wanted to light the diya in the pooja room and found that the matches were over. Appa was doing something in his room and he was shocked when she went in, went to the bathroom, kept a stool and took the matches down. This is what she told him " You think i don't know you smoke and drink? I have always known, but am glad that you respect me enough to keep it hidden" He was shocked, we all laughed. Even though he ended up smoking a couple of years later, he still kept them hidden from his mother and also from us kids.