Yes, lack of physical intimacy ruins the relationship

Hi cheenu123,


Well, sex is a very important element in marriage and yes, to be honest, if it's not happening in the right way ( or, not happening at all) it might ruin the marriage, later. At some point in time, things will come up and situation might become worse. So, its good to handle it at the initial phase.

Understand, sex is as natural as anything. Due to its nature, there are alot many people who face problems initially, but later, things improve. Nobody is born talented to have it done right in the first place. Everybody, face a little difficulty, initially. So, don't blame yourself or him for anything. Don't feel guilty about it. Together only, you can come out of difficulties. Afterall, sex is best when its done with an element of Love and not just for the sake of satisfying the desires.
It's good that you have consult a doctor. That would clarify, where things go wrong.

The difficulties that your husband is facing is primarily because, instead of enjoying the act, he's more worried thinking about how to satisfy you. He needs to deviate his attention from this and first learn to enjoy the act of foreplay. It's the first time that you both are doing something of this sort, its natural for you to face difficulties. Only, when you engross yourself completely into love making ( technically, foreplay ), you will feel the things happen naturally.

Just forget about satisfying each other and enjoy the act of love making. Our body is made up in such a way that it will react to certain situations, provided you let it happen naturally.

It's a wild guess, but I think, the sooner your husband would have his erection, he would start thinking of the intercourse. And, by the time, he would position himself to start, he would loose his erections. Now, this happens because, your mind is constantly thinking of what's happening down there, rather than enjoying the act.
If this is the case, you need to make him understand, to relax himself while making love.

Low sex drive can be a result of many things. As I said above, its very important to forget all your worries and tensions while making love. Sex, love, passion is not a mind game, it's done from heart. It requires you to feel the pleasure. Now, since you guys have not consummated your marriage, so far, he has not experienced anything completely. Once, he will do it, he would definitely want for more.

Talking about techniques, nobody is born with the talent. Positions, acts of foreplay, location of right spots, techniques to satisfy one's partner come with practice when you give time and chance to your partner to understand your body completely.

It's very very important to give right reaction/feedback while making love. If there's something that excites you ( some particular area, which when touch arouse you or any of his acts ), it's very important that you tell your partner about it. Experimenting leads to new things and more you experiment, more you understand each other. Talking in ears, caressing, biting etc, are all part of it.

So, my advice to you.... try to enjoy the act without blaming or feeling guilty about anything. Leave things to happen on their own, they will happen. Don't think, just feel. Bring surprises to your bedroom, it makes a lot of difference. Give chance to yourself and your partner to understand each other's body, likes and dislikes. Experiment and discover new things on your own. Increase your time of foreplay, which is very important. And, let things happen naturally and on their own.

I'm sure, you will come out of this problem.

 

Your marriage with him was not consummated even once. But you were on Oral Contraceptive Pills for a long time, that lead to weight gain !! (one has to take OCPs for many months, then only weight gain will take place due to OCP).

Doesn't that part of your story defy the logic of common sense ?thinkingsmiley

 

Oral contraceptives are taken for various reasons,not just contraception, OP has mentioned she has PCOS, oral contraceptives are a regular part of PCOS drug therapy.
Even unmarried teenage girls are prescribed oral contraceptives.

 

My dear,

The way your doctor has spoken to you is ridiculous. It is just not acceptable for a doctor to speak that way. She is putting more pressure on you inconsiderately rather than help you in anyway. For this alone I would suggest that you change the doctor.

Plus you say your husband has not been forthcoming with his problems. He is just fooling himself. He is just wasting time and money by acting like a kid who resorts to cheating as he is scared to score low in his tests. If he won't say anything, you need to take these points yourself with you (new) doctor in front of your husband.

I wish you luck, my friend.

 

Ya. You are right. I have heard of the role of OCP in the treatment of menstrual disorders in teenage girls and in the treatment of PCOS in even unmarried women.

But, as I did not go through the OP's earlier threads, I did not know that she is taking OCP for PCOS.

Sorry. And thanks for the clarification !

 

Hi Cheenu,

You indeed have a tough problem at hand. You will need to deal with this boldly. First of all, decide - do you want to start afresh and seriously put effort into strengthening your marriage? If yes, you must forget whatever has happened this last year and stop all the blame game, whose fault it was etc and just go for it. If not, you must end your marriage as soon as possible without causing more pain and frustration to both of you. So first decide.

If you decide to go for it, then yes you must consummate your marriage as you have correctly pointed out that it is very important for your relationship. Please know that sex does not come easy for all newly married couples, many take months to get to it. So what if it's been a year - that's ok. Don't start with a negative thought. Think about how much you love him. If you have fears, inhibitions, try to overcome them. Watch movies to lift your mood, have relaxed time together, take it slow and make it a fun thing. Don't have expectations from each other. Just keep trying. And most of all be brave, don't feel scared of the act. It really doesn't hurt too much even the first time. if you do feel your Dh has erection problems, why didnt you mention this to Doc yourself? Ask him to get a checkup also. But I advise you to first try some more before making things bitter between you.

Ultimately you have to choose what kind of life you want to live, you have to be brave and know what you want. All the best.

 

OP, The first advice that ur gynaec gave u was right...But second part i.e u have done 'crime' etc is not right advice...I doubt if a competent gynec would ever make such a statement...Pls consult some other doc...also u din't deprive ur DH of intimacy purposely...the mistake is on the part of ur husband as well...You should have come clean and told her all the points abt ur husband which u mentioned in this post, instead of waiting for him to do so. ...
And just like u have consulted a gynec, your husband also should consult an andrologist/sexologist to address his issues...Just my opinion.

 

I have almost the same question. Yes it does ruin your life even if he is the model roommate. Someone who is home for you and drives you around. If he does not have a sex drive even as a newly we'd then he will never do.

 

@OP...
Both of you must now stop this bickering and focus on consumating your marriage.

Your hubby is illiterate in sex.. doesn't he have any friends?? and for crying out loud there are TBs of "educational" videos on net.. just google..
Second, he can't hold an erection.. How old is he & what type of job he does.. desk jobs kill sex drive.. ask him to be physically active.. and there are pills for these type of situations. Buy a Kamasutra book or video..