Gap increasing - How to reduce the Gap!!

Nand · Mar 18, 2014

Hi,

I am married for nearly 10 yrs. I am having 2 kids. I was so calm until i had my 1st kid, this was the big mistake i did. I never use to open my mouth and share my feelings with my H. Don't know that i have to share with him and ask him all the stuff. I was very very quiet. Being in US we never ever went to a movie or went out for some outing - am not talking about going to Florida or Rome am just saying not even a drive near by spending time for us - just we use to stay at home, meet friends, cook and eat or we use to go out when some friends insist on going out and not that we want to go out - this was our routine. When we don't have friends he will switch on the TV, watch some sports claiming he likes sports - which i am not at all interested and my H wont even care to teach me or pamper me while watching tv or share some sweet nothings with me. I asked him couple of times to teach me but the way he taught me wasn't interesting enough for me to learn and watch the game So i just use to watch some stuff in laptop and the day use to end. This is how i passed around 4 yrs and then thought i need a kid so that i can spend time with him rather than thinking about my H.

But in my heart i always had a feeling that he's not sharing anything with me and he don't have any interests other than watching tv. No sweet nothings like giving gifts or going out for shopping or going to movie or just out for some time or talking romantically or anything so which a normal girl expects from her H. I always use to give gifts for him for all occasions. Am not expecting gifts from him but am expecting some sweet nothings that's all.

Though i like him a lot as years passed, i built frustration on him like he's not sharing anything with me and no sweet nothings from him. I also realized that being quiet i did a mistake with out solving issues when i had. Like what is his salary and whats is he doing with it - I use to ask him what his salary was - He use to say like, why u want to know about my salary just e happy - Not convinced with the answer - after few months again same Q - Same answer - Again same Q after months - Be happy why u want to know - Again same Q after months - why u want to know as always be happy and i will be happy seeing u being happy - Disappointed deeply - Again same Q after months - Ans: I will keep my paycheck in the cubby go and check - I don't want to check so kept quiet - Like this i was so disappointed but no answer and left him with out solving the issue as I was brought up in a family where my mom just listens to my dad and realized that this had a serious impact on me as well. But as years passed and after having my 1st kid we have our in-laws visited us here in USA. So as every one, i also had some issues with my in laws. This is when i really need some pampering and sweet nothing as i also had postpartum depression and my frustration burst-ed out. I shouted like anything that am not able to bear him as he's not sharing anything with me. This is where our argument started.

He says that he is like that only and don't know how to talk and share things. For me that sounded like a crazy answer as i expected only some sweet nothings from him and am not asking him to do anything else. Never our argument ended fine there always use to be gap. He don't like the way i tell him - as i was totally frustrated i use to cry and shout at him asking why he's not sharing things with me. Firstly he was patient enough and always he repeats that he don't know how to talk that's all - This answer never made me satisfied and i use to ask him - U don't know how to talk that's fine, then don't u know how to hug and kiss? This can pamper me and make me feel better as am getting tired with kid and work. For this he use to tell that as i shouted a while ago he's not able to do that. But i started asking all these with him only after having my first baby only, not before we had our kid.

So like this our gap increased day by day and we came to a situation like we rarely meet may be around 10-15 times in an year after having our first kid. Later i decided that i should not shout and cry so i stopped shouting with him. Even then in his heart it is like - even if say something normally he thinks that am saying wrong about him or pointing him that he's not doing anything. I really wonder that i don't know how to talk with him. So he's getting angry for even normal things and he started shouting like anything as he's not able to accept me saying anything to him. So i started being quiet like what i use to do initially before having our kid. But this doesn't solve things and i cant be quiet all the time - i need to say something - if at all i say something that ends up in argument and shouting from him. At this point i just use to leave the place and go inside as don't want to talk before our kid as he is going older and he will feel bad... But in both our hearts it became like i need to listen to everything he say and then he will be fine and he has the same feeling that he need to listen to what ever i say and then i will be fine... But i dont want him to listen to what ever i say i just want him to talk and share .... He's not getting this point...

In this process eventually we had our 2nd kid also. But in both our hearts though we like each other very clearly, we both are of the same opinion still that - I do everything even then he wont talk properly with me or share or pamper me as and when needed and he's of the same opinion that if he listen everything what ever i say then i will be fine - Never we solved things and this gap is increasing day by day and in both out hearts later it came to a point that it is family and may be we should stay together at least for the sake of kids as we both love our kids no matter what is going on b/n us.. we take care of them to the utmost possible and we love them alot.

But the gap b/n us is still the same way... Recently last week we had a argument again... and here it goes... I fell down last month and since then my back hurts a lot...even then i use to come back from work and get one kid from day care, cook clean and feed kids and make the older one do home work and then go to bed with lot of pain in the back....Same with him he use to get one kid from day care, give bath at times to them, feed as required... and in the morning i use to pack the lunch boxes for all 4 of us and he use to dress up kids...So both of us have enough work and we both are doing and am not claiming that he's not helping me,,,He will...This is how our routine is. Last week i told him that i am getting late to work every day. His Ans: Get up and leave home all by ur self - This answer really pissed me off and as usual i don't want to argue with him on how i can get up and go all by myself as i need to pack lunch boxes for kids and for ourselves and pack their day care bags and as am having lot of pain from last one month still am doing all the work i am unable to get up early.. all these i don't want say with him and i was pissed off when he said get up and go.. So i was quiet but had full anger with him...

It was around 11 at night and i was teaching my kid at that time though i was extremely tired and sleepy. As my H answer was so frustrated and showed that on my kid. My H got angry with me and shouted at me as he realized that i am showing it on my kid. This is how it started and then after him shouting i told him that i am so tired and kid is not listening and so i have to show it so that he will finish off soon. H said when u r tired don't do the home work. But i was like every day i will be tired only, if i wont ask him to do as kids they will neglect and i don't want that to happen and i was of the opinion that we i neglect kids stuff as i am tired or having lots of pain or so onand we have to do few things which are necessary

This argument increased and he again shouted at me and asked me on who asked me to cook, clean and make him study and do all things for everyone and i can just take rest when i was having lots of back pain and not feeling well. He also asked me for what n whom to show off, i am doing all these things and he also said that i am mad and i wont keep him happy and i will get an argument every 3 days. I was really pissed off and just went away with out talking to him as i was really deeply hurt with his argument. Though i was not feeling good and i use to cry every day and i never showed that i was having such pain and i use to do all the things with out showing my pain as i love them,. But he was not able to realize that. Though he know that i work hard, he don't want me to talk with him and want me to be quiet and do things - this is what i think about him and he thinks the same with me as well - this is where we have the gap

So from last 4 days i am not doing anything as he said i don't want to show off before anyone. he is only doing his cooking and he's going out with out asking me if at all i want to join even for parties in the weekend and doing the cleaning of dishes all the himself. I am just cooking some for me and eating and for kids if they want his cooking or mine we r feeding them with them knowing that we had a fight. we r just asking if u want this or that just like that with out letting them know who cooked and we r feeding them. But last friday as i didnt give lunch to my older one, my H took something from DD and gave it for his lunch and for my younger one he just gave one bottle of milk to the day care. Younger one is 1 yr old. As my younger one goes to home day care i called the lady and asked her to feed the milk in their home and told her that i will pay her later for that. Solids normally she only will feed the baby so am not worried in my H not giving that. But as i am not doing work at home i am neither cleaning baby bottles also. He is using all disposable as he don't want to clean the dishes and stuff and he's cleaning at times as required 1 or 2 dishes. But he didn't clean baby bottles and he is using same 1 bottle from last friday, just by rinsing it and keeping it in refrigerator. This is really haunting me and i want to clean the bottles. He is just shouting with the baby louder so that he want me to hear saying that - U drink the same bottle there is no one to clean and i dont know how to clean and i dont want to clean and so on. He just want me to come down and start doing things again. Though the bottles stuff hurt me a lot i dont want to come down and clean them as he gets used to that. The same opinion i think with my H too - he can clean the bottles but he dont want to come down as he thinks if he comes down i will repeat the same - We both r doing this showing our anger towards each other and the baby in b/n us. So after 4 days today i cant wait any more so i decided to clean the bottles as i dont want the same bottle to be used with out cleaning/sterilizing form last 4 days

I dont want him to think that i came down as well. Dont know how to solve the gap b/n us. really input your suggestions plsssssssss.

I want to correct myself or my family. We both like each other that am pretty sure but there is gap which we need to recover and dont know how to recover the gap.

Nand · Mar 18, 2014

I know its a long post and am really sorry for it. I want to explain my situation so that you can provide clear suggestions.

Please answer my posts, i really want your help!!

I am very frustrated and really i hate myself doing things and coming down though i know that i have to do as my kids will suffer. In return am thinking my H wont change if i keep on do this. Of course he has the same feeling as mine i think.

Not sure on how to cope up this situation!!! Please Advice!!!

Priya16 · Mar 18, 2014

some men didn't have pampering nature. period. You just have to accept it.may be he wants something else from you. You don't know that. So first thing, stop expecting or stop asking him to change. It's not going to happen.

It's extremely challenging with small kids and two people working. Don't keep kid awake until 11PM.Doesn't matter they finish homework or not.

With men you need to ask what you want. You can't expect that they will find out. When you are not well tell him that I'm not well and I can't take care of these things. Since you already you can't expect much of emotional support from him so stop expecting from him. Make some friends and talk to them.

Don't try to cooking in the week days. Plan your meals over the week end. Select some pasta cocking or sandwiches over the week days. Do some simple exercise. It will reduce your stress.

Don't drag your fighting anymore. It's not going to help any of you. In your husband terms he hadn't done anything wrong. Even though he helps you always women have more tasks and taking care of things at home.

Will write it later. Get back to normal. Write down your tasks you do in a day. Take out the things which not needed. Keep everything plan. Inform about your with your husband. Ask for help. Reduce the stress. If you are calling too many people over the week end, reduce that too. Both of you plan to go some walk over the week end.If he doesn't take initiative, you take initiative to talk to him and watch something together.Select meals which are simple to make.

Priya16 · Mar 18, 2014

is how our routine is. Last week i told him that i am getting late to work every day. His Ans: Get up and leave home all by ur self - This answer really pissed me off and as usual i don't want to argue with him on how i can get up and go all by myself as i need to pack lunch boxes for kids and for ourselves and pack their day care bags and as am having lot of pain from last one month still am doing all the work i am unable to get up early.. all these i don't want say with him and i was pissed off when he said get up and go.. So i was quiet but had full anger with him...
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When you fell down did you tell your husband about that. And you said you have been suffering for while, what you need to do either go to doctor or take a pain killer. If you are not doing both of these and suffering with pain and doing work and expecting your husband to console you????I'm not sure how many husband really care for all these??Atleast my husband doesn't do.I won't even tell him and I just take care of myself. I learned a lot to take care of myself.

It was around 11 at night and i was teaching my kid at that time though i was extremely tired and sleepy
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never keep kids awake until 11PM.which is not good for either of you. I really feel you need a planner. First get your day planner ready and rest of the IL's go through It and talk to your husband about the plan and you both stick to it.I feel you should be on bed before 10PM and kids should be on bed before 9PM.

Priya16 · Mar 18, 2014

especially the fight you had I don't think it's your husband mistake. It's more of your expectation. When you are hurt, you should have taken a day off and go to hospital or take some pill and should inform your husband and take some help house chores. No need to get upset on anyone. It will spoil your mood and rest of the house environment. The way you described your husband, looks like he may not like these episodes. He may go more cold.
Looks like he is cold person,even if you act cold your house environment may get more colder.You need to maintain warm relation with him to make life better.

kavi5954 · Mar 18, 2014

First and foremost Look after your health..If you haven't visited a doctor , visit one ASAP. When we are tired, we get very cranky and show it on the most vulnerable person.

Secondly, this instance happens with almost every wedded couple where always the other person is incapable of understanding feelings.
Take heart. You are not the only person to go through such an instance.

It takes lot of willpower and understanding to make your marriage work. I had even contemplated divorce when I went through such a horrible time. But in the end it worked out.

The main issue with your marriage is that you guys don't seem to communicate much at all.
If you want to go through this marriage then you have to start taking care of yourself. When you feel better things around you will start to look better.
It seems your husband is perfectly capable of looking after himself and even better, also looks after your kids too.Give yourself a break and heal.
Then sit down and communicate with your husband on what is wrong in polite tones.
I dont think your husband never realised these expectations you have with him.
Try to get it across without loosing your cool. Dont put the blame on him.
From where I see you both have to work a little hard in communicating first.
Dont fight with your ego..That will solve a lot of your issues.
Start small. Go out with your family only. Make a family outing atleast once a week. Housework will always be there.
But make time for family time.

Nand · Mar 18, 2014

Priya and Kavi,

yes i informed my H that i fell down and i am not feeling well and am having lot of pain. I also visited doctor and am taking pain killers. Even after taking pills i use to have pain as am sitting in office for around 9 hrs and coming back and doing work at home. Of course my H also helps me to an extent.

I am not sure whats going wrong with us anything i tell him will be like pointing to him or he just thinks that i want him to work and help me all the time. Even i told him that i am not expecting him to work but he still thinks the same and tell me the same when ever i say anything it just ends up with argument having no solution. As said earlier only answer from him is - i cant talk or express. Am fine with this answer i ask him cant u hug or kiss, when u cant talk. But he wont do that as well. As he's getting angry when ever i stopped talking to him and as said earlier never a topic ends with solution.

So now we both r like why should we each come down and really started developing hatred. I am thinking to go to india for a while around 6 months and see at least if he will talk to me and realize it OR he may not talk as he can't express but at least am thinking this may help us to calm down the hatred we have developed in our hearts though we really like each other. I know this purely due to lack of proper communication. As he's saying he cant communicate am not sure how to find a better way for this

Not sure how to handle this.. Really really tired of this!! Of course if you ask him he will give the same answer as mine

Ninfa · Mar 18, 2014

Communication is the only means and remedy to reduce the gap, frame your words carefully and rehearse twice in your mind before speaking with him. All the best dear

yellowmango · Mar 18, 2014

Dear Op ...Firstly both of you have bigger egos than love for each other.

Secondly...you have to be more open all the time. You can't keep quiet and expect men to guess....e.g. you got hurt.Why did you choose to suffer in silence? Cry if you are in pain.Ask husband to take you to the doctor..ask him to help out immediately.By not doing this and mentioning it later you made him feel like an insensitive person...hence his reaction. However much we may like....when it comes to our feelings and emotions,men are dense. They cannot decipher our silent emotions. They just are not equipped to deal with this.So tell them all the time.

Has your husband ever looked after the home himself before. If not...it is not right to let him deal with all that without any kind of support. He doesn't seem to be the kind who doesn't want to help(those kind can be thrown in the deep end and allowed to swim or drown)
What you should have done is give him supportive instructions .Like with the bottle sterilization.Just give simple instructions ...it is not rocket science.And you should have shown appreciation for the help. That would have made you a couple who appreciate and help each other.

You are married to a practical,non romantic man.....you need to get the romance into your life.If he won't hug and kiss....you go ahead and do it. Let him watch a match...you take a book ...put some music in you ears and lie down on the couch with your head on his lap.Hug and kiss him when he leaves or returns home...do it for no rhyme or reason. Soon he will start expecting it and start giving some back too.Flirt with him. He is your husband....you can do what you want with him and to him(within reason)

p.s I also think there is a major difference in your style of functioning. You seem to be a perfectionist with rigid time table while he seems more relaxed.You need to sit down and find mutually acceptable rules for kids. Kids being taught at 11.PM is a recipe for disaster. It makes everyone cranky. Teach them earlier and exchange it for something like bathing before going to bed...or whatever suits you both.

Priya16 · Mar 18, 2014

am not sure whats going wrong with us anything i tell him will be like pointing to him or he just thinks that i want him to work and help me all the time. Even i told him that i am not expecting him to work but he still thinks the same and tell me the same when ever i say anything it just ends up with argument having no solution. As said earlier only answer from him is - i cant talk or express. Am fine with this answer i ask him cant u hug or kiss, when u cant talk. But he wont do that as well. As he's getting angry when ever i stopped talking to him and as said earlier never a topic ends with solution.
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Dear Nand,

You believe it or not I exactly go though same thing at home. Only thing my husband doesn't keep things inside. We have some fight and we will move on.
But the issues are same.If you looking forward to share things and he takes them as complaint. Things also go same way in my house.
I reduced lot of my load these days. I don't cook any elaborate meals. Not entertaining people like earlier. If needed grab some frozen food. Brought more gadgets to clean the house. Not buying too many cloths for kids. Because again management of the cloths falls on you. So buy necessary for year and use and throw it.
I try to do more regular exercise to keep my sanity. Since you have smaller kids it may hard. Is that possible for you to reduce work hours??If you can afford to go 6months to India, can you able to reduce the hours???
What he wanted is,at end of the day you need to leave him 2 hours to watch there TV then they will be happy. Women we can work in the kitchen until 10PM but they can't it.That's where his frustration.
Take it slow. You go 6months or a year, the communication gap difficult to bridge. You need to find other ways to express yourself. Probably once your kids grow you may feel little relaxed.
even If I try to share some information to my husband, he thinks he need to give me advise and he immediately starts jumping on me to give me different solutions. I just laugh it inside.