Long vent! Am I nuts?

I met my husband in college (in 1997) and we became good friends. After meeting his family a few times, I could see that his domineering sis was the reason for his insecurity and low self-esteem.

His family was once wealthy, but lost most of their wealth due to cheating relatives. So they had to move into a one-room, leaking-asbestos-roofed home. They struggled to educate my H. Once due to village politics, my H was booked in a police case, and whole family was ostracized for a while. His father got him out of the case, by paying bribes. Because of these incidents, my PIL's family was isolated and bitter.

They considered my H's sis to be extremely smart but when I met her, I found her to be egoistic and immature and not as smart as I expected. She was constantly praised by everyone else in the family (at the expense of putting down my H)
Knowing this background in the 1st year, for the rest of the 3 years in college, I kind of life coached my H and did all I could to build up some confidence, communication skills and maturity as I could see he had a lot of potential.

We decided to get married after we got settled in life. After college, I had the chance to go US to pursue Masters in 2001. (I was in IT, H was not) My H did not have a stable career and stumbled, trying his hand at various things.

Meanwhile, I struggled in US for further fee and expenses (didn't want to ask parents), and I stacked up credit card debts, worked two jobs (one illegally) and health suffered due to low food budget. I did poorly at school which extended
my study by 1 year and added more debt. In 2004, I finally got a job.

I started advising H to switch to IT since market was getting better. He was receptive and I taught him all that I knew over chat and phone. In a year, he worked hard and got a good job. He bought a car and built a luxury home in his village (lots of personal loans)

In 2007, he came to US through his job. Since we were both settled now, I told my parents about him (his parents already knew in 2001) and both sets were fine with it (though different caste)

Now we waited for his sis to get married since she was elder to him. She was trying to get into IAS from past many years, since she wanted a good job or no job. As she was 30 by then, the matches were not great and she wanted a well to do family so that they don't harass her parents for further dowry.

By 2010, I paid off all my credit card loans. I also contributed about 30 lakhs to pay off the debts of my H (his car/home loan) without my parent's knowledge.
Then my SIL got an excellent match (Groom with 30 crore property). My PILs had to spend 40 lakh in dowry & 10 lakhs in wedding expenses. I lent my H 20 lakhs but said I need at least 10 lakhs back because I need it for my own wedding expenses. (did not want my parents to spend)
My H went to India for his sis wedding and came back with more debt and in no position to give back any money to me. I was okay with it, I told him we will go for a temple wedding but wanted him to insist on it in front of my parents. (I felt there was no need for me to impress anyone since his side knew my circumstances)

But speaking to my PILs, I could see that they were dreaming about their son's upcoming grand wedding. At this point, my empathy had run out - even my parents were dreaming about my wedding from years and had no clue I was broke. (I was under tremendous pressure to get married from a long time)

PILs knew that I nor H had any money, but their conversations keep mentioning grand wedding and specific things like cost of silver pooja items(50k) and sweets(20k) that I had to bring home after wedding. My H thought he could convince them at the last minute. I could not trust him as his family routinely bullied(emotional blackmail) him in money matters invoking past insults from villagers and relatives.
My MIL was always obese and as she aged, she developed many related issues since she was negligent of her health (martyr syndrome) My H is forever guilty since his birth apparently caused her obesity and cannot bear to disappoint her (lots more guilt but no space to describe)

I started having double vision and the doc said I had some nerve palsy (possibly due to stress, but can't be certain). It is not a serious issue, but I could no longer drive (or even walk fast) and work was tougher since I had to look at computer all day. With manager's approval I started working from home wearing eye patch. Since now I had a valid health reason to avoid India travel, we got married in US in 2011. My SIL wanted 1 lakh 'SIL dowry' as she wanted to mention it to her new rich relatives. I gave it.

My SIL had severe PIL issues since she went into a joint family and her husband was the non-earning last kid with 2 successful older brothers. Her husband's property is ancestral and undivided yet - the other brothers manage the business
and spend the family fortune lavishly while her husband is mostly unsuccessful in every business venture and so they have to live on budget. Her co-sisters disrespect her and she constantly cries since she has no support from husband.

I was/still am amazed at my H’s hypocrisy – many petty things that happened to me over years, he insisted that they were misunderstandings. Same petty things happening to his sister were major blows to him and his family and they are all each time inconsolable and rage at the injustice.
After this hypocrisy, I started resenting H and my PILs. I get into fights with him arguing that he is a hypocrite and he hates me now.


My husband drowned into depression cos of his sis and wants to do all that he can to start his BIL up with some business. We had to construct a home in village for a vasthu issue when we had no money. Or else? (no choice, they just started construction. Initial estimate 10 lakhs ended up being 20 lakhs) Just recently we maxed out our credit cards to send 40lakhs cash so that my H’s BIL does not have to pay high interest on a hasty loan he took. (I am sure he will pay it back and it is much lower interest for us here but it has been a year and we are still paying it off) We are very frugal here to fund these things.


I am filled with so much hatred for the past 2 years that I need to let go now or I will go insane. Though I hate them, I have never detected any malice and still feel they are nice people (but maybe self-absorbed? and unintentionally manipulative?) and I am misunderstanding them because I am an intolerant person. I don’t know if this is my husband’s brainwashing. I have no one to talk except him because I work from home.

From what I have written, does it seem like I was/am exploited? None of the properties we purchased are in my or H’s name (since they were bought with intention of resale for quick profit). I don’t doubt for a second that we will be cheated, it is just another irritant that I remember sometimes.

A lot of times I feel that I have mental problems. I don't care about the money, I just hate the hypocrisy/manipulation and it riles me up; but given my PIL's struggle to bring H up, is it real or imagined?

Thanks for reading!

 

All, firstly thanks for reading my long post.

Pardon me, I forgot to update that my vision went back to normal after 12 months of the problem. Doctor did not know why I got or lost the problem. (to save me from a wedding in India, I think) Unfortunately cannot edit original post now.


I can drive now, but I have been working from home since I moved to my husband's city after marriage. My job is stressful and I want to quit but logically it is not a good idea since I am in middle of immigration process.


I do take care of my health. In the past two years, I have done following to better my life


* Started volunteering a lot to build up self worth (which I lost due to above issues)
* Eat healthy to prevent any health issues
* Exercised and lost all unnessecary weight
* Went to a therapist (found an Indian one that would understand filial responsibilities and hence won't be biased due to Western ensibilities)
- I got diagnosed with ADD (Working from home is a nightmare and a constant struggle for me, but that is another story)
- Therapist said I possibly had PTSD (verbally abusive alcoholic father)
- She gave a lot of useful tips about how to control ADD and ruminating thoughts
- I unfortunately had to discontinue sessions as my insurance changed and I was not covered anymore

 

Thanks for your reply. I wish he would be responsible too.

The latest 40 lakhs was not to assist SIL's family to buy house.
SIL's husband invested in something in 2012 on behalf of his family business which had good returns. So he took a personal loan of 40 lakhs for exorbitant interest in 2013 to invest again by his own(so he can get money personally and not on family account) .
However, my husband could not digest the high interest rate (since SIL's family will be impacted) - we were debt free at that time, so he maxed out our cards and paid back the money. Plan was that soon as the goods were sold for a profit, the money will be returned. Unfortunately, goods are still in stock and prices did not rise in 2013 yet.

My SIL is a victim too. She has a 2.5 year old now and the only solid income their family has is the 15K that she gets as interest for her dowry money. For rest of money they have to ask her husband's family who don't tend to give(but spend extremely lavishly from family fortune on themselves).

 

Thanks for your reply. I was okay for temple wedding since I was never a girly girl or materialistic. Also, I felt I found a husband and PILs that did not expect dowry and I had no reason for showing off. Though I ended up giving them lots of money before wedding, it was my own stupidity and not something my PILs demanded or expected. As I knew them from long them, I felt my SIL's wedding was as much my responsibility as it was my PIL's.

My health is much better now.. I do agree with you that people regaining money overspend. My childhood was smooth, my dad was salaried and we had no financial issues. There was never any extra money, but we lived within means. My husband says his parents struggled a lot for kid's sake. But one thing I did notice even initially was that my SIL always had more expensive clothes and more jewelry than me. I feel their family have a victim mentality due to their struggles and isolation.
I have tried to manage finances but it never happens, we just end up with bitter fights.