need help

Hello friends,
this is for a neighbour of mine.She has been married for a few years,and has a kid too.her problem is that her husband is quite abusive in verbally ,even in public.from what i noticed he is very aloof from all the household affairs.she is up and about 24hrs tending to the families needs at home,cooking cleaning and looking after the kid.Agreed he is a busy man,but then what is wrong in trying to keep ones home clean.ok,if he cant clean then atleast he can try not to dirty it.
Till now i had thought that there were only verbal abuses ,but she revealed to me yday that he abuses her physically also.most of the time he speaks to her in double meaning vulgar language refering to female parts..or he watches porn on the net..she was born in an orthodox family and has an aversion to alll this.at night he compels her to perform waht he has seen or read..!!!when she doesnt surrender he uses his manly strength,or threatens to call her people or send her back home...all these are taking its toll on her..she is staying depressed most of the time..my words of consolation i guess are helping..but she needs real support..i asked her to try and get a job,but she says he is dead against her working..
what else can she do...?

Nobody can help more than the lady in question herself. I understand she may be softspoken and docile woman. But its our responsibility to fight for our own rights. If we dont take pain to be happy, no one will bother either.

- She can start easing her life by not doing cooking and cleaning all the time. She can reduce her frequency of it. Having a sparkling clean house at the cost of aching back is not worth it.

- Is there anyway she can visit her parents for some months? That will give her instant break from this abusive life. Sometime our constant presence becomes our biggest drawback for any improvement.

- She should start asserting her displeasure mildly to begin with for her sexual exploitation. Its worth to have few days of disharmony than live in constant mental torture. Let her hold on her own for some days. If the man in question becomes violent, she needs to just avoid him and become stern. Silence is best treatment in these situation. Dont talk to the guy until he realizes his mistake. Let it go for weeks or months.

- Most of the time our actions teach people, how to treat us. If she has never spoken a word against him and done everything silently. Then why would he mind a slave. Human beings are like that, if someone starts to serve , we start behaving masterly. Break this chain of Master slave relation gradually.

- It takes a strong woman to stand for her rights and spread the right environment in the house. Strength can always be imbibed by seeing and appreciating other strong women. Ask her to start to stand for herself.

- Next time when the person refer her vulgarly. She should refuse to even acknowledge his presence. By trying to live with this horrific behaviour she is simply worsening life for her kids too. Tomorrow they will have to listen the non-sense too.

More than anybody else, its our responsibility and oath to ourself to ensure we are in respecting and happy environment. If we dont work for it, forget about others providing it

Ria

Well said Ria..as always:)

I agree with everything you have said...we have to stand for our basic rights....if we don;t then no one in this world will help us. I always remember your statement "men and dogs need training:)" which is very true I think. These kind of men are like stray dogs...they need extra training to get back on track:)

First she can try to hire some domestic help. Then getting some free time for herself, she can try to look for a job. Whats the max he can do if he goes out for a job.....if he abuses more, then she can go to her parents house for sometime. These kind of men are cowards from inside. They will not have courage to take the extreme step of separation.
Verbal abuses is as bad a physical ones...what will the kid learn from all this. I feel, she has to stand up for her basic respect as a wife, as a human being.

-Sihi

Dear sumitha,

I really feel sorry for ur friend.This is a hard situation to be in,especially when the husband himself makes double meaning vulgar comments
This shows that the man has absolutely no character.
I feel she has to take the support of her family and parents in such abusive situation.There is no meaning in suffering alone like this.She has to stand up and take some steps orelse what will her kids be learning at such young age,talking filthy things.She has to become independent atleast for the sake of her kids.

suji

Dear Sumitha,
i think this is a very serious situation. The more your friend fulfills his every demand , her husband will take her for granted.Different women have different personalities, she may be someone who is gentle and tolerant. So its hard for her to fight back. I think first she should have some kind of
support system , which she can trust and rely upon, like friends or family.Someone who can stand by her in times of crisis otherwise just giving her advice will not strengthen her confidence.
Secondly, she should be able to stand for her right like Ria says.Not only for her but for her kid's sake too. He is setting a very bad example for her kid.
someone once said that
"we teach people how to treat us", this is very true.So this should be stopped and she cannot go on like this, she has to put an end to it.
I feel so sad for her and in my opinion she should take some time off from him and her daily chores visit her family, think it over and act accordingly.
by living with her abusive husband , she cannot even think with a peaceful mind.
Wish her well!

Ask her not to feel insecure, but to pack her bags and walk away from this dreadful relationship for a while. It need not be a breakup, but taking some time off.

A guy who doesnt give her the basic respect as a woman is no man at all in my opinion.

He had to understand that she is a woman with feelings and above all shes also a human. More than him, she has to address that to herself. What type of model is she becoming for her kids... to get beaten up forever and ever without voicing her opinion?

Why should she do all the things she doesnt like? if hes threatening her that he will send her back and inform her family, let her reply.. to please do so.. so that the entire family will know what type of sex maniac he is.... Without a job and having kids.. she might feel insecure.. but is it all worth the pain? its upto her to decide. Atleast let us leave that decision to her and not force her like her husband ;)

Hello all,
Thanx for lending me those valuable advice.i have been communicating with my friend who is now in India for a short visit of 2 weeks.Right now she is in her in laws place and chat with me freely.
This is another problem that she has She is compelled to stay there with people who have not much concern for her.She says that each time she asks her husband ,permisson to go and visit her parents he would outrightly deny her and shout at her in front of HIS parents...ridiculous.. may be when she comes back i will have a lengthy conversation with her...i always maintain that she should make a litmus test of her marriage..if she feels she is better of without him ,just go ahead.if she feels otherwise then try and take him to a marriage counsellor..it is easier said than done,but still it could improve her condition..what do u say?