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Please help- DH's past affair

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vgpss, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. Vgpss

    Vgpss Senior IL'ite

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    Friends.. need genuine advise pls.. I will try to make it as short as possible but please forgive me if it's too long..


    I am just married for 1 year and recently had my beautiful angel.. I am married to my close relative (mama). He is working in s'pore for the past 5 years.. I married him in a big compulsion.. I was so career oriented and was not ready for marriage but I had to accept cos I couldn't convince my family as they didn't find my career reasonable. My hubby was brought up from a poor background and his current status is solely out of his own hardwork.. He has struggled a lot for his studies and even food in his young age.. All of our family knows him as a very good guy.. And my parents felt I will be very safe in his hands.. He is in his early thirties.. We are 7 years apart.Till my marriage I was not interested and avoided talks with him and was giving him lame excuses when he tries to talk to me.. I was asking for onsite opportunities in my company and I luckily got one at the time of my marriage and I was very happy.. After getting married I started liking him and I love him a lot.. Started showering all my love on him..


    When we went there after marriage, he introduced me to his colleague and her family who came to receive us at the airport.. She must be in her late thirties but still looks young and her kids joined college this year. They called us for dinner at their home and we use to call them too.. And we use to go out for movies with them every weekend.. Her husband is also a good friend of my husband. And he takes a lot of help from my husband and he helps a lot as well.. I will always be very hesitant to talk to her might be cos of the big gap in age.. But my hubby insists me to call and talk to her.. I had a very good opinion about their family,, she uses to call my husband often which I never mind initially.. But later i didn't believe women instincts are this powerful.. I got pregnant after 2 months.. My inlaws came there and our privacy time reduced a lot.. I had problems with them too.. I was so busy with my work.. And I was longing to spend time with him alone.. But he never felt like I did.. He took care of me well, got things for me,, but we never spent a quality time as a newly married couple..


    I was always interested in finding how far is their relationship.. At office they are good friends in front of all colleagues.. I thought it might be a brother sister.. My husband gave his old phone to me and he got a new one.. I got to find some emails in iCloud full of her photos.. I went suspicious and once happened to see his office outlook chats.. There were like "missed you many days" poda podi.. Calling her sweetly,, these were all dated after marriage.. I was so shocked and was in tears after seeing this.. But still I couldn't think anything bad.. I asked my husband once indirectly whether he has done anything wrong in his life,, he sweared he never did..


    In the same week, I happened to see his gmail chats and found out a chat which he missed to delete.. I lost all my peace after seeing that.. Yes they had an affair.. I was 4 months by then I didn't know how to react to this.. They both cheated me and was behaving like nothing happened in front of me and her husband.. They went physical too.. I confronted my husband and he kept refusing initially since he never knew that I have come to know to this extent.. And once I mentioned about the chat.. He accepted everything and cried to me that he never did anything after marriage., he said he never thought of cheating me after marriage,, if our family comes to know about this thing they will crumble.. He begged me not to reveal this to anyone as it will spoil everyone's life.. I told him that I can live independently and bring up my child if he doesn't like me or love me.. I don't look as good as her.. I was not ready to live a fake life for the society,, I loved him a lot and I couldn't believe he did such a shame that too with an elderly woman to spoil his good name, I asked him how this all started and he told me that it was her who approached him first.. She has told her all her stories and cried to him.. Her husband cheated her by having another affair and from then on she is not in physical contact with him for nearly 10 years and living a fake life for her children. She has told that she likes my hubby very much and always wanted to have a man like him and has kissed him.. And he fell for her too.. I couldn't believe this.. How he can do such a thing,, he tells me that people are good only until, they get an opportunity to do something wrong.. From then on they had an emotional affair which went physical after we got engaged.. He tells they did only 2 times with so much of guilt.. He was not ready to tell anything more since it will hurt me more.. He cried to me that he realised his mistake and only me and my baby are important to him,, he was so sincere and he has always cared for me so much,, I forgave him slowly. I had no other choice.. I was found to have notching in my fifth month scan and doctor advised me to take rest and the pregnancy might be critical if the notching continues. I was so worried about my baby and wanted a distraction.. I asked release in my project and planned to go to my mom.. My inlaws left by then,, and the one month I was with him alone,, he took care of me like my mother.


    I came here in my 7 the month and never went back still.. The problem is I forgave him but I am not able to forget,, he still works with her which is killing me a lot,, I asked him to look for a new Job,, but his current job is more stable one, I asked him to cut all the contacts with their family,, I myself know that is practically not possible cos her husband is a good friend of him,, he comes to my hubby for everything.. he said he will not talk to her other than work,, and will avoid them as much as he can,, there is not even a day without thinking about her.. Am getting mentally unstable day by day,, whenever I talk to my hubby I never show him though,, I keep relating things to her,, for eg. If he is good to me I think will he be the same if I had not confronted him,, and so much more,, I decided to take a break in my career to take care of my dd.. I cannot trust my mil with my dd.


    I asked him to come back to India.. But we are not financially stable still and have so many loans.. Her family is well settled and they are citizens..when I enquired about them my DH said their kids joined college in another country and they are planning to shift to live with their children,, we can stay in SG,, I was relieved to hear this.. But still they didn't move out,, I mostly feel not to think much about it.. But sometimes I feel so low and crying alone always,, why my life is like this,, I am in a confused state,, my dd is my only distraction now.. Now when I think about going back to my husband only these things comes into my mind and haunting me,, am feeling very insecure,, when I tell this to my husband, he is asking me what else he should do to bring back the trust.. he is getting hurt since he is being sincere,,
    I am having sleepless nights,, the chat keeps running in my head and I keep thinking of the times we had together and how they were acting in front of me.. My dh is still in contact with her husband and he has to be like friends with her in front of other colleagues,,. Friends please help me come out of this.. Can't I live in peace all my life??
     
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  2. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    That must be devastating to go through, OP, and i'm so sorry that you have had to deal with that during your pregnancy no less.

    I'm of the mind that a spouse with a past is not meant to be shunned or guilted about the past if it is, infact, in the past and they've been honest with you about it…and provided that there are no more convoluted or unresolved feelings towards their past.

    I think you're fair to request that he seek another job and put distance between her/their family and yours. That's the least he should do. I've seen romantic relationships evolve between coworkers and when it doesn't work out, one or the other simply has to leave in time because having it in their face only opens the opportunity to remind them of the past no matter how platonic they try to make it.

    Once the distance is there, then it will be easier to fade the relationship and friendship between your DH and hers.

    I'm quite disappointed with the fact that your DH never came clean about this relationship before marriage, let alone after it. As much as he's trying to say that his continued friendship with the family is for the sake of his friend, I think he's not being completely honest with you (or himself, even) and that there is some selfish motive in there, too. If the friendship with him mattered so much to your DH and if your DH cared for her husband, then he would never have gotten involved with the friend's wife and jeopardized it. If your DH feels guilty, maybe it's out of guilt that he feels he must help and remain a good friend to her husband… and a subtle benefit of that is to keep that woman in orbit. I don't buy the excuse that good people only remain good until the opportunity to do something wrong comes along. Yes, people make mistakes, but if people are truthful and strong in character then they will learn from their mistakes and do their best to avoid making it in the future. Not continue to keep it at a stone's throw away. If I were in your place, that would not be acceptable to me at all and it would not be acceptable to work in the same company or live in the same city as them because it will always cause you mental and emotional discomfort. Your DH has no right to do that to you, especially since you're trying your best to move past this and keep your marriage intact. You can't simply just turn on a switch and pretend like nothing is happening, either. I admire you for refusing to live a fake life like that and I think you're right to stand by it.

    My only word of caution would be that because situation being as delicate as it is, you need to do your best to control how you handle it and your discussions with DH because you need your DH to remain honest, open and transparent with you even if it hurts. You should let him know that you are emotionally and mentally distraught because of the continued interaction and proximity due to work and social circles and you need him to understand that this is not okay. Ask him what he would have done had he been in your shoes and if you had continued interaction with that family, then truly what he would do.

    Let him know that you have thought a lot about this and you feel it is best if he sincerely wants to make this marriage work, if he truly cares about the wellbeing of you/your child and wants to support his blossoming family, then it is important that he plans to come to India to join you and be there for you. You both can be in India at least until you deliver and after the child is born. After that, you both can consider going elsewhere for a job abroad?

    I'm sorry if I've said anything that you find upsetting…but again, I'm only responding to the little that you've shared and my honest take on it. I truly hope you and your DH will be able to work through this, come out stronger and that you both will find peace of mind!
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2014
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  3. Vgpss

    Vgpss Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for the sensible reply with the little I have shared.. It didn't upset me at all. Like you said my DH continues his friendship with her hubby only out of guilt.. Because he values my hubby so much.. I understand him that he cannot come out of the circle just like that cos it's nearly 4 years of friendship.. But I expect him to slowly come out.. Also he was searching for a new job sincerely.. But his current job is more stable and flexible.. Since I heard they are moving to another country I left him loose all these days.. He didn't search for another job.. Its time for me to join him now but still they have not moved out which is what is worrying me now.. I am just blindly believing him that he is being honest to me sitting here.. whenever I ask about them he is trying to get away saying don't remind them again.. I Dono how he is able to tell that.. I feel Trying to forget itself is an oxymoron.. He is being good to me at all the other times..
     
  4. KP55

    KP55 Gold IL'ite

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    Simple things that will help you get over this misery:

    1. tell him to cut all ties with his friend and his wife

    2. You should tell his friend of the affair his wife had with your husband. IF you want create an anonymous e-mail and send him copies of his chat.

    3. Tell him to tell you the complete and honest truth.

    No matter how much this hurts you have to do this. If you want a happier life with your husband.

    For him to make you sit/chat with this woman and her husband is an insult to you. And like the other poster said, I think he is still lying to you.

    I'm pretty sure he has exposed your findings to this other woman, and now she is probably covering her tracks.
     
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  5. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    No, you should not forget it and you should not forgive it until he makes the effort to fix it. Your trust has been compromised and yet you are the one who's having to make all the effort to accept it and forget it? You've already done your part and more by accepting it and trying to keep the marriage intact…he cannot ask for anything more here. I don't think this is a matter to be flexible about without seeing reasonable action on his part to resolve it. You should not have to be blind to the situation or walk blindly into another situation in the future. "Fool me once, shame on you…but fool me twice, shame on me" applies here.

    He really needs to man up and come clean about where he stands in all of this and to do the right thing by you. Emotional or physical infidelity is not a trivial matter that can be swept under the rug so easily. It's one thing had it been years and years ago, but completely another that it has been recent and still in light.

    Let him know that if he doesn't try to handle the situation and doesn't try to put the distance that you are requesting is not acceptable. His reluctance and non-action to do so alone says a lot about how he truly feels. By continuing this, he'll be jeopardizing his marriage. By the sheer amount of emotional and psychological stress he's placed on you alone is putting your pregnancy at risk.

    KP55's suggestion to reveal the chats to her husband would surely put an abrupt end to the situation… and I do think her husband should be made aware of his wife's actions but perhaps that is best saved as a last resort? This even reminds me of a friend of mine who was being advanced by an older married woman with children. Once the situation of hers came to light, it turned out that she had a history of doing this…even with simultaneous partners without being transparent about it. Who knows how revealing her actions to her DH would pan out but whatever, you should do whatever you need to do to preserve your marriage although I believe that it should be your DH's actions…not yours…that put an end to this.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2014
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The past is called a past for a reason.Problem happens when past spill into present.
    Even a pure as snow virgin spouse can go on to have a colourful present or future.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Can a man like him be trusted?
    He cheated on his friend.
    He continues to be friends with the man whose wife he had sex with ,without any guilt.(Sorry,don't buy the bull**** about keeping friendship with friend out of guilt).Any man with even a bit of guilt couldn't have looked a friend in the eye.
    He cheated on his fiancée.
    Continued to cheat on wife(even if it was emotional or only through chats)
    Has the gall to expect his wife to have friendly relations with a woman he is cheating her with.This man has absolutely no guilt .

    The fact is...he would still be doing it if he had not been caught.I would say...trust him again at own risk. sorry for being so frank.
     
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  8. divshiri87

    divshiri87 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I am sorry that you are going through this during your pregnancy.
    I don't know whether i can give you good suggestion at this time however i want you to be more strong and be confidence and try to be happy.
    Past is past and leaving past is very difficult but i know it is not impossible. He told you everything (expecting he didn't hide) when you asked him and he told that he want you and your kid to be with him. Almost everyone will have past but it doesn't mean that person is not good or not honest. His mistake is he didn't share with you before or after marriage. He told when you asked him but he would have hided because he didn't want you hurt you. That could be a reason. First talk to your DH and tell him that you trust him and ask him to resign his current job as soon he gets another good job. Don't move away from him as it could make him to move out from your relationship. Try to be good with him as usual and show more love so that he will understand that you forgave him.
     
  9. Vgpss

    Vgpss Senior IL'ite

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    Friends.. Thanks all for your time.. Wish I knew about IL six months back when all these happened.. I was so immature to take a decision and I couldn't share this with any of my friends or parents.. I was so devastated and was worried about my baby more.. Since he sincerely apologized I had no other go and I didn't go much into the details of his past as it will hurt me more.. Though I know he lied to me and was hiding so much I didn't bug him . I decided to go by his current and future behavior.. I fell ill and came to India and had a good distraction so that I could deliver my dd safe.. I was trying to be casual to him and he also shiwered so much love on me.. At times I would ask him abou them as I would be sleepless.. He would ask me to distract myself as our baby is the first priority.. He will tell he realized his mistake and is trying to forget.. They will move to the other country and we can live there peacefully.. He came here for my delivery and stayed with me for one month and took good care of me.. I trust him that he will not go back and do **** again.. He says wherever we live we can live in peace only if I trust him.. But the thing is they are not moving out.. And he has not taken any steps to cut ties with them.. Is he taking me for granted since I am not bugging him much??!!! Until this day I have never pointed out his mistake anytime in any of my arguments with him.. I feel letting her husband know about her affair and all will make the situation worse and bring more embarrassment only to both of us.. Apart from all these I don't find him a person good at heart though he is good to me.. He is being so narrow minded and his behavior on the issues with our relatives has shocked me as well.. How can I change every bit of him.. His whole family is like that.. I sometimes feel so low and fed up.. Why I have to go through all this in just 1 year of Married life.. I have heard its the honeymoon period and time to enjoy but I have been crying alone all the time.. Am I bending too much to save my marriage.. Feel like I will break at a point..
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If you really want this marriage to work.....How about giving him a time frame for shifting or else you tell the woman's husband.I suggest you keep your family in the picture. Tell them everything. This man has nicely emotionally blackmailed you into keeping this a secret...he has nothing to lose.You on the other hand have everything to lose.
     

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