The Abused turns into an Abuser. How much true it is ?

Can't say everyone who has been abused will turn out to be an abuser but someone who has been abused is far more likely to turn out to be an abuser than someone who hasn't been abused is what I think.

I don't have any personal experience with abusers but I have seen children of alcoholics turning out to be alcoholics themselves.

 

I think it depends on a lot of things

What causes a person to abuse?

1) That is the only way of communication that person has seen? - conditioned and not born with the urge to be violent
2) Born with that vibrant energy which gets converted into physical lash outs and has conscience
3) Born with that vibrant energy which gets converted into physical lash outs and has no conscience - This is the only case which has the potential to leads to crimes


In the case of parent-child, the child may or may not be born with that urge to create havoc. Some children who were abused may even develop extreme abhorence to violence. If one parent is good they may also carry those genes. Again if both the parents are good does not necessarily mean the offspring will turn out to be mellow. The environment around us also adds to it.

When you born with that vibrant energy there ways to neutralize it by using it in other ways(Release the energy by physical activities etc.) but that is a conscious effort by that person hence he/she is termed as conscionable.

Again as the abused grows up he/she will have the opportunity to learn not to condemn an entire section or gender of people because of their suffering. If the abuse continues and the person itself has no urges to violence they may break out of it but i do not see them abusing others except in rare cases.

The above are only my thoughts or musings on the topic.

 

I can see how it can be more likely as we tend to learn and pick up things our entire lives, especially when we're young. But honestly, somewhere we must feel that what we're doing is not right nor justified.

I'm using my past experiences as a license to mistreat others? That kind of starts to sound like a convenient excuse and a this may be insensitive of me to say, but I see it as a crutch. If you're aware that what was done unto you didn't feel good then why would you perpetuate that on someone else? Is that how mindless and thoughtless we are? Is that how reluctant we are about taking accountability for our own actions and thoughts? If you want to see change, then you must become it, and be an advocate for it.

I would say that my parents, especially my dad used to have a short fuse and a severe temper issues but over time has calmed down (especially when he saw how it affected us kids) and has been great about advising others to keep their calm.

Although he never made excuses for his behavior, I became aware later in my life that the relationship he shared with his dad (my dada) was also a rocky one. So sure, it may have left an impression but I'm glad he's overcome it and always remained the best dad possible (yes, even despite previous short fuse he had when I was a kid — lol, maybe I was just that sort of kid :idea).

As far as other examples, I moved around so much that I didn't really get to see or stay in touch with folks who have grown up since. Although, a few that surprised me were the really wild ones who have become diehard religious now (potentially prompted by the fact that they now are married and with kids so they want to set a better impression). A few that were raised in challenging circumstances where their single mother hooked up with all the wrong kind of men — and then the girl and her sister (they're twins) perpetuated the same behavior by choosing some really horrible men and one where there was a rescue intervention needed in order to her safely get her out of the house. She was pretty much locked up at home, forbidden to communicate with anyone or work or go to school, had bruises and welts and was pregnant.

Anyway, scary world out there. Makes me question whether I want to bring anyone into it sometimes because I'd be doing them a huge injustice.

 

Hi Dharmesh,

It is purely upto individual perception and attitude...

For some, this would have influenced in a negative way ie, abusing is the only right method to control someone...so he might choose his way to abuse others....

But most of the times, he (based out of his own bad experience) decides not to abuse anyone at any cost, so here the former abused got a lesson out of his own life itself....

 

Dear OP, 'Disciplining' is different from 'Abusing'. In your case, your parents have spanked you to discipline you and you may spank your kid to discipline him. This is the rule of life, that all parents are obliged to 'discipline' their kid. In this case, nobody can be termed as 'abuser' or 'abused'.
But in case of DH beating DW, or MIL beating DIL is no way considered as 'Disciplining' and it is definitely 'Abusing', since DH or MIL are in no way obliged to discipline the DW or DIL respectively. To put it in other words, they have no rights to do it. So when the DW or DIL is made to endure all this, without being able to raise her voice or put her feet down firmly for her, it builds up on her eventually, and one fine day she may literally feel like a pressure cooker about to blast everything out. During this period of time, the cooker will not care who is around to blast its contents out, though the one who really wanted to cook something on the cooker is not around !!

 

No.. My FIL is a severe alcoholic.. My H & BIL never touched it..
my uncle is alcoholic, my cousin isn't.
my Dad is a teetotaller, i have no aversion to drinks or drunks!!!
my H had a disturbed childhood, he is very very patient with my D. I had a more than pampered childhood, I am not patient with her, I m the spanking disciplinarian.
So, I dont know, you cant generalise, can you???