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understanding my husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by temperance, Sep 17, 2013.

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  1. Sep 17, 2013 #1
    temperance

    temperance Senior IL'ite

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    hi all,
    I have posted earlier about a few issues in my marriage.Earlier i wanted to get out of marriage but now i am willing to try.
    I am married for 3 years. During this period we had our ups and downs, initially i was thoroughly annoyed but from the past one year i have developed this habit of listening to what he says and how he reacts to situations. It helped me predict his actions and reactions and i act accordingly. This has reduced my expectations and hence arguments. I and my husband have no emotional connect. I always believe love and emotional connect are something which are built through actions and are not just words.
    My husband as a person is very diplomatic and manipulative(with his friends and family). He believes there is no filmy love in this world and relations change everyday and anyone is replacable(even me).When i say this i am reiterating his words. He has also told me that since he has so many flaws he does not let anyone in his life and see him for what he is(not even me). This does paint a dark picture. On the other hand when he is at home he acts like this 5 year old love sick puppy. He always wants to be around me, wants to be fed, snuggled and mollycoddled all the time. My DH is a highly intelligent man and says he is simplyfing life for me by telling me exactly what he wants.

    He tells me exactly what to do even if i am doing it for the n th time saying it is to "help you". He is also a very negative person who thinks "life will not allow you to get up if you make a mistake". i am sorry to mention this but he has caste feelings too. I mean ok, respecting your caste not wrong but taking it as a criterion while judging people or making friends is an absolute no for me. He is constantly needy and needs me to assure him all the time( atleast 2-3 times on a gud day). He overexaggerates his and his families accomplishments. Anywhere if he cannot, he blames it on the society which didnt allow them to come up. One particular thing he makes fun of people on the road or mall and says why aren't you laughing at my jokes? i mean i understand comedy but not at the expense of insulting others....does this happen quite often with people. He has huge superiority complex and says "what ever it is you are an indian wife and should listen to me."

    Amongst all this sometimes he is sweet, made me breakfast in bed one day, helps me in the kitchen and always tells me that i am not as bad as you think.

    It would be so easy if people were like the fairytails, prince is always the gud guy and villan is always a bad guy but it is not the case now. Can someone tell me if the above is the case with many men and if my DH is a gud guy. I have a long life ahead and wish to know what i am getting into.
     
    temperance, Sep 17, 2013
    temperance, Sep 17, 2013
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  2. Sep 17, 2013 #2
    temperance

    temperance Senior IL'ite

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    159 views and nor suggestions or opinions?
     
    temperance, Sep 17, 2013
    temperance, Sep 17, 2013
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  3. Sep 17, 2013 #3
    sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    No one here can tell you that! In the end it's about what you want, what you can live with and what you cannot. First we make our choices and then our choices make us.

    Your post caught my eye. I went back and read your previous thread as well. Here are some thoughts I felt like sharing with you, based on this post and the previous ones. Please treat them as mere musings that may or may not be useful!

    (1) Re: your husband's demands (requests?) that you account for every bit of your spending, I know how you feel. That can be very deflating. Frugality in the pursuit of common goals is one thing, persnickety bean-counting is quite another. I know what you mean by (not) 'fun loving' as well. I was reminded of this vignette from the writer Reynolds Price. I like this story and I like his telling of it. I am drawing your attention to it only to cheer you up. You are not alone! Maybe someday your husband will see the light.

    (2) In the same vein, I was reminded of the film "Babette's Feast", which again deals with a crippling incapacity for pleasure. If you have not already seen it, I would encourage you to watch it with your husband. Who knows, the film may provoke a much needed conversation between you two!

    (3) Re: your husband's 'neediness', perhaps it would be a good idea to ask whether he is needy in general or more so with you. If the latter, then you might consider giving him a little leeway, even if it drives you a little crazy. If it is the case that he has to maintain an image of control in his professional life but needs reassurance from his wife, in private, then you might consider treating this as a vulnerability. He is showing you a side of himself that he has to keep hidden most of the time. If not you, then who?

    (4) You may want to 'own' your feelings as well. He is who he is, but when he is being a bit negative or playing the worrier, you don't have to rush in with the "there, there, it will all work out ...". Just listening, not hurrying to fill silences and learning to ask open ended questions may provide the reassurance he needs while helping you maintain your sanity!

    Hmmmm, I do tend to ramble on a bit ... .. this is long enough for now!
    :cheers
    PS: You are a bundle of contradictions as well! How do 'pubbing' and 'temperance' go together ... eh? ;-)
     
    sokanasanah, Sep 17, 2013
    sokanasanah, Sep 17, 2013
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  4. Sep 17, 2013 #4
    sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't believe a word of this! More often than not, people who say stuff like this are steeling themselves against loss - in advertising their immunity, they are giving voice to their fear.

    He is afraid that he is replaceable.

    Your husband is consistent!
     
    sokanasanah, Sep 17, 2013
    sokanasanah, Sep 17, 2013
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  5. Sep 17, 2013 #5
    temperance

    temperance Senior IL'ite

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    hi sonkhanasanah,

    Thanks a lot for an understanding reply.

    A lot of time has elapsed since i have written my first post. i was a frustrated person back then. I had a lot of financial difficulties with my dh but i have understood my boundaries. After pondering over my frustrations i asked myself, if money was the only thing i hated about him?
    The answer was "no" and i also realised their was a lot to a husband wife's relationship above money.
    It was companionship.
    I am exactly doing as you have mentioned in the 4th point i only listen and present with open ended questions." Many a times i also say i know the answer but it is not my place, you will figure it out on your own." this statement has worked wonders in my life.
    There are certain qualities we all maintain in our moral compass and believe to stick to it. My husband doesnt believe in honesty, hard work , helping others. he constantly questions and belittles them. It took me one year to finally start believing that i am standing up for myself and withstand his manipulation.
    when i say i have a long life ahead, i am referring to kids. I dont want my children to be taught that "world is an unfair place""nothing good can come just by efforts"" paisa bolta hai".
    These were the values imbibed in my husband and still followed in my IL's house. ( i just keep quite).Will he change when it comes to our kids.
    Are the other qualities that i mentioned about him normal with all guys?
    There is one more thing - my husband hides facts from his collegues and best friends. Things like visa status
    . or my education or anything else.when asked upon he says "nazar lag jayegi". Recently we met a friend of his (closest) and he would interrupt me just to sideline the conversation so that his friend doesnt get to know the facts.( when i say facts it might be something as trivial as where is his sister studying"
    This secrecy is not only extended to friends and family but also to my family and sometimes me.

    I value your opinion about not taking more than required in a relation. I do not understand if husbands in marraiges are only like this or am i overanalyzing stuff. I can certainly assure i was much happier before getting married, but back then i had no responsibilites.so is it responsibities that i see or am i not ready to face the reality.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2013
    temperance, Sep 17, 2013
    temperance, Sep 17, 2013
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  6. Sep 17, 2013 #6
    temperance

    temperance Senior IL'ite

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    he he :)temperance is the character from BONES i truely like.....
     
    temperance, Sep 17, 2013
    temperance, Sep 17, 2013
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  7. Sep 17, 2013 #7
    Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Good and bad are criteria exist in children imaginary world.In reality there are only two criteria tolerable and un tolerable men. :D
    This guy might have had negative experiences in life thats why he is overcautious when it comes to telling people thing.HE doesnt want information use against him.
    OP what this guy believe is reality in india.Paisa bolta hai.May be he is just practical realistic instead of idealistic.
    Some indian believe acting dominant makes them more attractive in eyes of wife.That could be reason he acting that way.
    His another argument that wife or husband are replaceable is also a reality.But saying it on your spouse face is insulting.That also trigger insecurity.May he himself is insecure and he was that feeling in you too just to make him feel better.
     
    Iamagoodgirl, Sep 17, 2013
    Iamagoodgirl, Sep 17, 2013
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  8. Sep 17, 2013 #8
    sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I do not share this cynicism. So no, it's not 'normal with all guys'.

    Your portrayal suggests that your husband's main emotional driver is fear: of failure, of not having enough, of intimacy, of loss, of 'nazar' .....

    Life is indeed rather arbitrary and unfair .... but a corrosive cynicism does not point the way out.

    You have to figure out whether his world-view is merely a coping strategy and an instinct for self-preservation or a deeper character flaw.
     
    sokanasanah, Sep 17, 2013
    sokanasanah, Sep 17, 2013
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  9. Sep 17, 2013 #9
    shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Temperance,

    Don't live under this fallacy that ur hubby has a huge superiority complex. It's the other way round. He has a very big inferiority complex. he is aware of all his shortcomings.
    Your DH is a totally fake person and no one knows him better than he himself. person who are very shallow from within behaves the way your DH behaves. Coz he himself is a fake/shallow person, he thinks the entire world is a place filled with only devils. So he doesn't trusts anyone. That is why he tells those rubbish "nazar lag jayegi" stuff.
    he himself lacks true affection, so he feels every relationship can be replaced.
    believe me a person sees the entire world in the same light, as he himself is from within.
    Life can never be smooth with such kind of shallow person.

    Life is never black or white. There are always shades of grey. Now it's totally up to you to decide which road to take. All the best.

    "I shall be telling this with a sigh
    Somewhere ages and ages hence:
    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
    I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference." - The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
     
    shama146, Sep 17, 2013
    shama146, Sep 17, 2013
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  10. Sep 17, 2013 #10
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I was one of those and didn't post my response because it was "what exactly is your problem. You need a bigger problem to realize this is not a problem." :) I did it once in another thread and a certain member chided me gently and showed me the error of my ways. So I forbore. :)

    I think you are analyzing it too much and probably have the time to indulge in such analysis. There are differences between the natures of husband and wife in any marriage. You say he does not like to share facts such as your degree, visa status and where his sister is studying. Many women are like that, and husbands are regularly primed on what is OK to share with whom. There are some rules they want followed when sharing information like vacation plans, house or car buying, promotion, job change, being between jobs. Some people share more with their parents than their spouse does with his/her parents. You get the idea. You get used to this difference. You develop strategies to deal with it - you share less, you share when he is not around, you avoid spending too much time next to him at parties or get-togethers. Your husband also might have similar comments to make about your tendency to share details (facts) with others.

    Some of us would not like it if our husbands participated in a forum like IL. Some of us would think husband is so sensitive and caring if he does.

    He makes fun of people in the mall or on the road and you don't like that. This is tough. Being married to someone with such a difference in sense of humor is not easy. But, you cannot get unmarried for this! Try to not scold him for the jokes or point out the insensitivity. Find a more neutral way of reacting. Maybe point out something nice about that person on the road. Or point out a possible reason why the person looks or behaves like he is doing.

    The comment about "you are an Indian wife and you should listen to me" has to be taken in its context and considered along with his other acts such as making you breakfast and helping in the kitchen. People say many things and don't mean them seriously. Try using humor to respond to it. Address him as "pati parmeshwar" for the rest of that day.

    I wouldn't worry about the impact on kids. People change when they become parents. Just the looking after of kids take up lot of time and people have less time to be obnoxious. Kids grow up in all kinds of families and turn out fine. It will take some patience and tact from you as you pick from your husband's acts as a father and decide which ones you are totally not OK with and which you can live with, and have him try to change the former.

    Based on your description, looks like you are in a regular enough marriage. :)
     
    Rihana, Sep 17, 2013
    Rihana, Sep 17, 2013
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