How do you deal with such a person

I am sure you will get a lot of input from the women here, so I thought maybe I should add my perspective as a guy. I am NOT married, so consider this the view of a theoretician & take it with a bushel of salt, adapt or discard as you see fit!

I don’t like household chores either. I like cooking as a pleasure & as a hobby, but every single day …. meh. This being the case, I would not expect my imaginary wife to enjoy the quotidian drudgery. However, we obviously cannot avoid the business of keeping house. In the case of a couple, this boils down to a division of labor – you as provider, your wife as a home-maker is one possible, fair arrangement. Both of you as corporate climbers with extensive outsourcing of household chores is another, with many gradations in between.

If my wife were an excellent pianist and an artist, spending most of her day playing the piano and on her art work, passionate about her interests, energetically invested in it and willing to bring that world to me, then I would not care that she does not do any house work or make any money (as long as she understands the pressures & compromises of single-income living). I do all my own chores now anyway! My solutions would be to do things myself when I can (for the both of us), buy the services we can afford, do without ones we can ignore, tolerate some deviation from the ideal promoted by Martha Stewart et al (wretched felon, what does she know?!). I would cheerfully trade a slightly messy house for interesting conversation as I make dinner. When I don’t feel like cooking … well, she can make her own sandwich or do a fruit 'n yoghurt combo.

My question to you is this:
Is your wife a good companion? Is she an interesting person? Is she a good person? Is she affectionate toward you? Do you two have a good relationship, shared interests? Does she value cultivation & refinement? Does she take care of herself physically? Is she capable of providing a stimualting environment for your child? Do you value these things or is good housekeeping more important to you? Can you imagine growing old with her? If yes, then find technological or other solutions to housekeeping. If no, then it’s time for straight talk. Is it really the case that she is ‘lazy’ as well as ‘boring’? The two often do tend to go together. If her days are really what you say they are, then I would be very turned off.

The child is her primary responsibility, at least for now, during infancy. So this period is a good time to reassess how you two will reengineer your relationship.

:cheers

 

You are thinking of breaking your relationship with your wife just because she is not doing any work at home? Please grow up!! Your parents and her parents stay at the U.S. with you both and the baby is just temporary. They will have to go back to India. Its just your three (with the baby) now. Divorcing after a kid is not a joke...just because of our ego the lil one who is so innocent has to suffer. Please try to give your baby a better life and that can happen only if you and your wife stay together. Never think about divorce. I understand...with lil one there is lot more work and with sleepless nights there is BIG stress. But let me tell you one thing - This too will pass away! Send your parents and her parents home immediately. Now, you both will be left with the baby. There will be a LOT OF WORK at home and you both have to do it. Please cooperate and do the work. No work is ladies work or gents work. DO it and show to her and teach her how a family is...be an example...you be the difference that you want to see in your family - CHANGE for BETTER will HAPPEN.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby!
Pattumom

 

Dear OP,

I don't agree with the the post above by pattumom.. Even though I am a lady (kinda lazy), I know where you are coming from. Yes I admit. I am lazy. But I am definitely not boring.. I need a lot of cajoling and coaxing from my husband to get any work done. But I do realize that being lazy doesn't serve the purpose of our lives. At a times, I get a jolt inside my body which makes me to do at least the basic things like cooking, cleaning up the kitchen and set the house right to some extent. When you have a husband who goes to office and wife being a homemaker, it is expected of her to do the basic housekeeping atleast. It won't take more than 2-3 hrs in a day for sure (including cooking). Ofcourse few people might have a serious hobby (art, social service, etc), and they are unable to do any housework. And the husbands who truly love that their wives have such passions, they wouldnt mind to pitch in doing mundane chores. so you have got to do something atleast, passion, regular job or mundane chores... Without doing anything, you are good for nothing. Just a dummy being on this earth.

I would suggest you to have a talk with her regarding this. Ask her what she wants to do with her life. Don't be judgemental. Let her know that if this continues, this is going to create problems in your marriage. Listen to her what she says. Maybe she has some issues with low self esteem or some psychological problems and she needs help.

 

The extreme tiredness during pregnancy and after... I wish men would understand it.

And also the vicious cycle of doing household chores. You wash all the vessels in the afternoon, in the evening they again come out in the equal measures. You cook in the morning and again you have to start from the scratch in the evening. There is simply no end to it. My husband helps me with dish washing once in a blue moon and gets very angry if I take out even one glass for drinking water after he is done. We eat outside because he don't want to see them soiled again. I have seen many husbands who totally totally fail to understand this. If they see even a teapot and tea cups lying in the sink they think wife is lazy and ask her 'what you do all day?'.

There are women who manage to keep the house spotlessly clean whether they work or whether they are sick or bedridden or even when they are not present :bonk :spin. But there are many many women who hate doing house work and do it as grudgingly as most men do their office work.

I'm not justifying your wife's action, but I urge to take this all into consideration and then judge before divorcing her.

 

Hi Ragha,
Welcome to Indusladies.

Looks like you deleted the original post after a few members took their time to reply. This in most cases is discouraged.

Instead of deleting, you can consider editing out parts that might reveal your identity.

 

Ok. I am called lazy by my DH.I am clueless why he thinks I am lazy..

I have a 1 1/2 year old toddler. I cook two times morning and evening. I clean dishes( but not as they pop in the sink). I give my DD bath two times. I make my DD separate break fast lunch and dinner. I take time to read her bok for atleast 30 mins every day. I work full time. Still he just says you are the laziest person in the world. Humm..
all he sees is I am over weight, so I am lazy
all he sees is I get up late (well many nights my dd just dont sleep well which makes me get up late..but stll I will manage to cook food in the morning before I head to office, so what is the prb if I sleep? )

Now coming to answer your question.

1. Sit down and have a open talk with your wife. Understand her first. And then see where you can help her.
A new mom have many sleep less nights
A new mom have harmonal changes
A new mom have pain in body, legs.
A new mom have mood swings
A new mom should take care of new life, should take care of her self.

ITS VERY IMPORTANT TO HELP HER AND SUPPORT HER AND DONT EXPECT ANY THING FROM HER AT THIS POINT.

If you love her give your maximum support. Hire a cook if possible( If you dont want your mom to do any chores)

If your mom is helping her what is the issue. Is it not the responsibility of your family to take care of the daughter in law when she gave birth to a child?.

If you dont want to bother your parents. Send them to India and get external help YES GET HELP like a cook..cleners etc.

Once your child is little big like 5 months old or so. You can have a open talk with wife of what responsibility she can take and let her commit to it.

ITS MY SINCERE ADVICE TO UNDERSTAND A WOMEN WHO IS A NEW MOM. Please read what bothers a new mom physically and mentally in internet.

..
sweety

 

One more suggestion..

NO one needs to wash dishes.

Ask every one in the home to put there dish in dish washer. Buy two sets of cooking dishes, plates etc.

Now at the end of the day just switch on the dish washer..boom task is done.

COOKING:

1. Ask every one to help them self in arranging there cereal and putting there dish in dish washer.

Now your mom or MIL can just spare some time to make 1 dish and rice for dinner and lunch.

BE HAPPY DONT WORRY. Give love you will get love from DW.