My Husband and I …

Don’t even know where to start, What is the main issue? Whatcan I do to resolve it? Just confused, irritated, sad and what not.

Probably a glimpse of the latest event that triggered me tothis state.

The last long weekend, we had planned for some serious homefurnishing shopping. Had done a lot of work(spent a lot of hours) to narrowdown shops(as we wanted to finish the shopping within the weekend due to long weekend sale) andshared with my husband and took his suggestions and charted out a plan.

While we were just about to leave, my husband changed orrather incorporated a new plan for car shopping. I agreed to do it and thencontinue with the home furniture shopping. But I was definitely surprised tohear the car shopping plan suddenly as we never spoke about it earlier, So Iasked why he started this out all of a sudden. He had his reasons, maybe hejust din’t share it with me earlier as a serious topic. We continued for a day as decided gotback home(did both furniture and car shopping) spent a lot of time thinking/decidingwhat car to buy , finally decided thatwe shall postpone the car buying for later due to some valid reasons. I did thereasoning and he bought into it. I told him he can buy whatever car he wants ifhe wishes to, but this was my reasoning and he fully bought into it. And heimmediately wanted to just drop the car off for some minor repairs. The earlierthought was if we were going to get a new car we will just trade this off andwe do not have to spend any more on repairs. I even told him to give it sometime and think about it rather than just rushing into this decision right away,but he thought the reasoning made sense and went ahead and repaired his car.

We continued with the shopping and he picked a furniture (andordered it) that was not in our initial list and we also did not check out all theother ones as planned.

The next day some of my relatives had called him to see ifwe wanted to join them for an out of town 2 day trip he said “no”. For someother reason within a short while they had to talk to me and in theconversation we decided we will do a 1/2 day trip in town instead, for everybit of this I asked my husband if it was ok and he agreed he made suggestionsand that was fully taken. Just before we started, he started getting upset asthey were late by 30 minutes and the whole trip he was upset and irritated. Endresult we din’t have a good time. Whenwe got back home, he had to pour out his anger accusing me of different things-not a bit of it was valid. I just din’t say a word as I had to get my son tobed. But I was totally hurt and in tears as I completely checked every bit ofit with him and now that he is accusing me for everything.

The accusations are:

That I stopped him from buying a car. I din’t have time forbuying a car. (I definitely don’t think that was true because I even told himthink about it a little more before we make the repairs, so if we decideotherwise we can buy the car)

I planned this trip after he said NO. And never again shouldmy relatives be inviting us to any trip or any outing and if I want I can gowith them and stay with them. (He din’t ask me before he said “NO” to the trip,so my understanding was that he din’t want to go to that location from ourconversation after he hung up the phone. Since the location was changed and itwas a few hours outing and it was a place that we could go only this weekendand we were thinking about going there. And of course I checked with him for everybit of it). Sometimes he calls the same relatives to join us for dinner atrestaurants, movies or elsewhere, even when I don’t. How am I to understand hewants them when he does not want them?

I din’t go check theother furniture but went to this trip. (The previous day when we went farenough to check some other furniture he said we were not going to check othersas we already picked what we wanted. So why would I go today all the way again?Din’t make sense to me )

And best of all comes here….

That I don’t have time for him (read Sex), but I have timefor everything else. (We have been having it so frequently except for the lastcouple of days that we came back late from shopping). This really pissed me off. You just can’t tellwhatever you like even though it is not true.

I was sad but din’t say a word continued for almost a week(withjust the necessary conversation), he tried coming back to me after a few daysbut behaving as though this event just din’t happen. A few days later I toldhim, he could not accuse me of not letting him get a car (because he kept iteven through the week).

He still stood by all his accusations and said I could gostay with my relatives and I never have time for him. I said every time you areupset you say this. I was not even mad at him, I just thought he is upset andsaying this. He responded stating that “Yes it will come up every time becauseyou don’t do anything (read sex) for me.

When he is happy/normal (even the previous week), he keepspraising how good I am that I take care of everything at home, the kid(academicsand extra curricular), financially and at work proactively. And that I am thebest and he can’t ask for more and the best thing that happened to him.

But there have been several times that he has said that Idon’t do anything(you know what it means) for him. We were just discussingabout another kid a few days ago and he said “NO” as he wanted to enjoy lifeand intimacy as with a new baby a couple of years are going to be busy.

His confused feeling about me make me very sad. I don’t knowwhat else I could do. I can’t offer more in this regard. If I say “NO” once, hewill be upset or if he does not show it then in the next possible occasion hewill bring it up. So, if I want to avoid the tension filled household, I shouldsay yes. It make s me feel I am forced in a different way.

I literally feel, that if I am not keeping him happy he mustgo find a different person. Why complain about it always (he complained aboutit a few years ago when my kid was born and was 2 months old). I can’t doanything more, we are not newly married couple and spend lot of time in the bedroom. I have a kid, need totake care of him, you have other things to do as well.

When he comes up with these not really valid accusations Ifeel sad and irritated. He never feels what he did was wrong and comes back asthough nothing happened which makes me irritated.

One more thing to add, it is not just going out with myrelatives, in the past, even when I watch a TV show after putting my kid to bed,he will be mad and say that I don’t have time for him but I have time for TV. Inever watch TV on a regular basis just once in a while may be once a week foran hour.

Or even if I spend time on learning something new, or catchup some work late night because I have some deadline it is the same accusation.

I have given up watching TV (unless we watch a movietogether), for the most part I don’t carry home work, stopped visting relativesfrequently, stopped inviting people home, given up on a lot of things.

Don’t know what more I should do.

 

Thanks everyone for your response.

I guess I just have to ignore and go on as I can't keep giving up everything that he complains/nags about.

But it's going to be hard as I don't like to have a tension filled environment at home, but neither can I just say yes to everything he says.