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Husband's Cheating!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by realityuser, Sep 7, 2013.

  1. realityuser

    realityuser New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    We have been married for 4 yrs, we are in India now and returned from US last November. After marriage I went to US with dependent visa and it took one year to get visa and job though i have prior work experience in India. I worked for 2 years and all my salary goes to my salary account. As my husband knows all details about my bank, he transfers my salary every week/month to his account and then transfers money to India by keeping secret about my Job/salary/our savings to their parents. I did not faced any problem as he do not have any bad habits and transfers all over savings to my dad and one of his friend and also he opened everything to me at that time. Also i'm in a thought of saving money, i did not spend single penny lavishly and for shopping also we both together. So in my pocket he always keeps 20$ for any office lunch party. We reached his target(my DH made a money target to reach India).

    So happily we returned India. Now the problem started. All common issues with IL's and turned and effected on our relation.
    Episode 1:
    One fine day my DH told me clearly that do not do Job now on wards.
    I know the reason: If i earns, his parents will know we have savings and as it is a joint family we have to give those savings to his parents as they are money minded that he does not like.
    But he did not reveal his feelings and he told some other unworthy reasons to shut my mouth.
    Episode 2:
    One day he was saying with low voice- all our money is going down and revealed he is giving 25 thousands every month to his parents and bla..bla..
    Also gave me indirect confidence to fight with their parents about this.
    So I told my FIL, we can not give that huge amount but can afford 10-15k depending on their need (as they are very lavish to spend money, FIL sits idle and my BIL earns very less but spends more also every month they get shop rents-that money is enough for my FIL and MIL), he yelled, called my parents and big people in our village, told them that I'm not allowing to give money to us and a big fight started unexpectedly my DH turned to their side and they made me as a victim.
    In the middle of the fight my FIL questioned about USA expenditures, my husband got scared and told secretly in our room "you unnecessarily started the fight..bla..bla and stop it". As fight already started and i'm honesty about my words to FIl i did not quit the fight and continued till to reach end as it is a life time problem and i don't want live like thief by secretly saving money.

    I got frustrated as my DH turned to their side and cheated me (Also cheated them Still kept my Job in USA as secrecy) by saying in front of others that "My dad is head of the house we have to follow whatever he says" so he succeed on his big drama.

    I drunk alcohol to get rid of that pressure(Just to express my DH that i deeply hurt by his behavior as i don't like to cry in front of my DH) and i completely ignored as i'm in the village and at FIL's house.

    My DH thought i was black mailed him and called my parents and villagers with their parents support and told the same on that night itself and he made a big scene and even he shoot a video for future proof. On my parent's request my IL's and DH agreed me to stay in their house.

    I never expected such behavior from my DH and after that also blindly believed him so i did not get the idea to remove that video. Base on my parents suggestion i deleted that video later without letting him know but he argued for that also.

    After few days everything was as normal and we were still at my IL's house as my DH was continued Remote USA work.

    On that day on wards DH maintained financial secrets, changed all passwords, speaking on the phone outside etc. and when i asked nicely about what is going on to our money he did not answered and not even let me knew where is he going and what is he doing.
    Apart from all these IL's torture is a continuous serial..

    Episode 3:
    Prior to Episode 2, we went to city for New Year's party and their he encouraged me to take little bit of alcohol as it was a party.
    I asked him 30,000 as i don't have proper accessories for family functions in India also as i did not buy anything (I don't even have proper sandles or carry bag)in USA for my self. Initially DH refused to give the money and after pleading for an hour he accepted and gave me 20,000 by including 5,000 in my hand bang. I deeply hurt and i told i wont buy now, we returned and he did not realized and spoke not even a single word.
    As I'm crying lot, my parents asked him about that and he lost his temper on that discussion and slapped me twice in front of them.
    And he told the reason "As their parents may think we saved lot if i buy and wear good accessories so he wants me to buy only after shifting to city".
    But what is the need to buy at that time as i would miss all festivals and functions but still he was not convinced.
    I forgave him in my heart and went to IL's home but still no guilty on his face and did not say SORRY.

    My dad transferred all our money to DH's friend based on DH request and at that time everything was normal.

    Episode 4: Again with IL's involvement all of the sudden my DH stopped talking with me, Not eating with me and gave me serious warning if i comes near to him he would leave the room but after 10 days i did that and he left the room by counting three and slept beside his mom. When i asked the reason for his weird behavior, he abused my parents and me and did not tell the reason.

    Episode 5: I left the IL's house(No body stopped and my DH abused with his words 'if you step in i will cut your legs-get lost' etc..) and send the villagers to discuss and solve the problem as we can not solve between our families.

    Episode 6: DH is so rude and told them we returned from USA as he can not bear my torture.
    And he lied : As i asked about financial matters in the bedroom he left and slept beside his mom but i did not.
    For torture:
    1)he showed his hand with marks(we had a small fight in USA, he slapped me very badly and to stop him i used my finger nails, after an hour we hugged each other and can count number of times we fought in USA)
    2)he complained that: I always argue him and wins with my own wish-BIG LIE, if it's true then why all the money is with him and i dont even have a proper pant/shirt/handbag/jewelery
    3)Also complained, I insulted him in front of his friends for not relieving his bank Password..BIG LIE
    4)I cook at 10'o clock in the night-BIG LIE as we both goes and comes together from the office in one car
    5)I call him with his name!!! and do not give respect to him-BIG LIE
    etc...etc..

    Episode 7:
    I replied to the villagers honestly and revealed all when they asked me .
    ->I showed all our daily chatting and asked them if i tortured him why we had daily chat? how he stayed happily for 3 yrs ? why did not he sent me to India? why we did not returned ? why all the money with him? why i don't even have single, simple jewelry set? why i missed my sister's marriage(Due to his visa problem, i canceled mine as i know i can not enjoy without him)?why not we had a single visit to India in last 3 years? how i was happy and did not miss my parents(we were only two-if one is sad, how can other happily enjoy)
    ->I showed all my bank statements and transfers to prove i did job in USA and all the money is with him

    Episode 8:
    DH replied smartly in one word for all those that "He Adjusted/bared me"
    If that is true why not now???:)
    and he is been telling lies i did not do job in USA.

    Episode 9:Some of the villagers and DH's relatives are using this situation and increasing gap between us.
    When i asked about my certificates initially DH refused to give and want to settle our issue first but after one of his relative(one of the leach people) asked he gave me only India certificates not USA's and said the reason Hard Drive was crashed. The same relative warned me if you do job, it will increase gap between both of you as DH does not like me to do job.

    Episode 10: one day we both met at relatives house based on villagers suggestion. They offered water for my DH first, as he was not offering me they told afford to your wife. DH replied rude "If we give beer bottle she will drink" and argued wife and husband are not equal and i should listen all his words for the lifetime etc...etc..it ended up nothing
    But i started giving equal punches when DH talks non sense...

    Episodes are going on....
    I came to the city and started job search by staying in Hostel.
    --I'm missing him badly and love him so much..
    --some times crying..some times laughing
    --Not able to bear the pain inside when i recollect his words and his cunning (Torture, video etc...)
    --Some times feels like i can bear more than this of DH as i love him
    --some times i hate him and feels like i can not live with him
    ---------------
    My DH and his parents are saying: I have to stay at IL's place and has to adjust/change to them and DH visit once in a week and if he strongly believes that i changed then he will think about taking me with him to the city by signing on his conditions: I should not do job/should not open my mouth/should follow whatever he says/should say sorry to IL's etc..

    I'm wondering my self why do i still love him and want to live with him???TG we don't have kids..

    I told the mediators only one thing: wherever he takes i come and live with him but not to IL's home and I will do job until it wont harm any of us.
    Still so many Episodes are going on in my village(we both are from same village) as IL's and DH are creating scenes and we are not reacting..

    I'am waiting for the big day and hoping my DH will come and take with him.
    Mean time i'm trying to be Financially independent and this time i opened new account for my self and do not believe my DH..

    Thanks for the patience who followed my entire very long post!!!
     
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  2. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    What is all this alcohol, villagers, slapping, lying, scratching all about?

    Seriously ? You drank alcohol in your inlaws place? Seriously?
     
    3 people like this.
  3. veeramachaneni

    veeramachaneni Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Tulipz - I was thinking the same. Drinking alcohol @ inlaws place is Disaster.
     
  4. Nitha J

    Nitha J IL Hall of Fame

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    OMG !!! This is more complicated than a 'serial story".
    What exactly is the problem? or what exactly do you want to resolve? I can see problems in both your sides.

    Your DH's Problem: He is sincere neither to you or to his parents.
    If he was truthful to his parents, then he wouldn't have hidden the fact that you worked in US, or talked "hush hush" about savings etc. If he was sincere to you, then this whole scenario wouldn't have happened. He doesn't have the courage to fight the battles, or maybe he is afraid of losing his "goodwill" in the family. Whatever it is, a husband who cares more about his reputation, and publicly mock about his wife is NOT a keeper.

    Your Problem: You do not think before you react. A person should think before he/she jump the gun. Your DH instigated and you fought the battle for him. In the end he sidelined you and joined the other side. A woman shouldn't fight for her husband against her IL's. At the end, blood is always thicker than water. You might have understood now. If your husband has opinion, let him speak to his parents, not you. You are not his mouthpiece. Secondly, alcohol is not a solution to husband-wife dispute or for any dispute. Then the entire married couples would be boozing day and night. You are an educated lady. You should know better.

    If you seriously wish to live with your DH, instead of going through mediators, pick up the phone and talk to him. Meet him alone, and resolve issues yourselves rather than having a bandwagon of villagers dictate your future. You are his wife after all. Be assertive of your status, and your expectations. If it is possible for both of you to forgive each other, then start the married life afresh, without bringing up the past. Sometimes, a phone call is all that is required to change the perspectives.

    Best wishes.
     
    4 people like this.
  5. prathibhahp

    prathibhahp Silver IL'ite

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    I am seriously stunned reading this story!!!! Wow!!
     
  6. Endlesshope

    Endlesshope Platinum IL'ite

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    Shaking my head in disbelief and moving away
     
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  7. JustAnotherMom

    JustAnotherMom Platinum IL'ite

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    Joining "EndlessHope " hoping OP's problems are shorter than her post
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2013
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  8. TheBeliever

    TheBeliever Silver IL'ite

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    :shock: :shock: :shock: :eek :eek ..i am really like this..no suggestions from me!
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2013
  9. navyar

    navyar Gold IL'ite

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    Men slap, women use Finger nails!

    Rihana .... are you hearing? :)
     
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  10. realityuser

    realityuser New IL'ite

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    Hey Nitha,
    I know drinking alcohol at IL's home is like drilling to hell for my self but at that time i'm not in a condition to think about it..Also i did that in our bedroom, i never expected my DH to call FIL and made a big story!!!! I expected he would understand my situation/frustration/pressure and that was the first time i was involved in family fighting.

    Meeting my DH personally won't work. He already expressed his expectations and No educated women in this century can follow it.
    ->According to DH, wife should not do job, should not involve in any matters, should not argue, should not raise her voice for her needs and she is just to cook and clean the home.
    ->He told clearly that i should listen to all his decisions all the life time without arguing and I should be in his path and wrong/correct never matters
    ->He hates women's individuality. His family is like that: FIL all the time shouts at MIL without any reason, She acts like innocent and does not react and always in kitchen and dedicates whole life for cooking, eating, cleaning etc..So DH expects same from me.

    I'm wondering why DH married a well educated and job holder who expects her minimum individuality and why not she continue after marriage though they do not have much responsibilities(kids etc..) and also why he kept all my money with him ???

    I tried to explain him: Husband and wife both are having equal importance, should respect individual's decisions, should be mutually understanding But he never cares and all he cares should follow/listen his decisions from buying a small mirror to buying a land!!!!

    At the same time as a Indian married women, i do not want to live (Can live but do not want to) without DH and do not want to marry another guy!!!!
     

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