Just my thoughts on marriage

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Hi All!

I am new to IL..

Just wanted to pen down my thots.

How I came across this site beats me to think what kind of a person I have become as of today.. I was looking for ways to irritate my ILs like they irritate me. Am I the same person i was before marriage? Is this what my parents have taught me, imbibed in me. Will they be proud of me if they know?

To start with ,I was married at the age of 20 and had a DD at 21 and DS at 23. Life was full of ups and downs. I was so naive and good natured. Always my ILs used to take precedence in my thots. I always wanted to please them, be like a DD to them. Take care of them in old age, be a support to them. I wanted to listen to what advice they wanted to give me. But did i get any? I leave it upto anybody's guess...

Here I was neglecting my health, my kids, my DH cos all I could think of was, if I do something will they approve.. We shud leave them at Customs they'll do an awesome job at scrutinizing. I was so afraid, so scared.

Then after 9 years of marriage, reality bit me.. I was preg again I had screwed my health by this time.. Did anyone take care of me? I was punishing myself with so many bitter thoughts. I was so obsessed by my ILs attitude that I was punishing those around me too.

It was a reality chek for me. For better or for worse, I turned into a stronger person. I started to give a heck to those who are not important in my life. I am not put on this earth to please or entertain everybody. I'll do what I want to do not what they expect me to do.

My priorities changed. I am the MOTHER of my kids, I know what is best for them, I dont need someone dictating to me how to raise them after 10 years of motherhood. Any advice is welcome, but whether I take or not is upto me. If it gives pleasure to someone by taunting me, I wont give u that pleasure by showing it on my face. I'll pretend I didnt get that taunt.

The reason I am posting in married life section is that above all how my perspective of my DH has changed. Ours was an arranged marriage, but the understanding and compatibilty we share makes anyone think its a love marriage.

Yes, like any other couple, we scream, we yell, we fight like mad dogs. But only to bounce back better and stronger in our relationship. There were times, I have cried myself to sleep with a careless DH by my side. There were times, I wanted to end my life. There were times when I wanted to run away from everything. There were times, I wanted to divorce him. But still our feelings and love for each other never faded.

We loved each other, but deep down in my heart I felt he wont stand upto me whenever I need him. Because of a series of events, I thot always he gave pref to his fam rather than me. This ""feeling"" was killing me. I spent 2 years like this. It was getting to a point where we couldnt stand each other. He was becoming emotionaly distant for me. As days were passing, so was our distance.

A good friend of mine helped me realise how my DH has been supportive of me all these years. I surfed and surfed the internet to find a solution, until I stumbled across this term "emotionaly distant husband". My DH was fitting the bill. I was taken aback by the characteristics.

I spoke to my DH about it, how I feel about his behaviour. That how much its hurting me to live a life like this, when we can live in a far far better way. It was like turning a key in his mind lock. He opened up by pouring all his thots and how my actions were hurting him. We both were at fault. We cant clap with one hand.

The more I was complaining to him, more he was running away from me. THe more I wanted to take my stand, more he wasnt.

I realised he had loved me for the person I was, simple and adjusting. He could see what his family is upto, and he could see how I was putting up with them. I always used to tell him to let go which only increased my respect in his eyes. He had always taken my stand whether in front of me or behind me. he had never tried to let ILs interfere in our day to day life apart from occasional slip ups.. I can tolerate that, isnt it? It is his family, right.. His Mom, His Siblings. That much discount I can give him.

THen when I was fighting back with him and his fam, he was drifting from me.
He was unable to take the change I was undergoin. But was it worth, definitely no.

I realised my happiness lies only with him. If I let my ego take over my marriage, I'll b doomed. How many times do we tell our husbands that we love them for the man that they r, we RESPECT them and their decisions. That they r wonderful husbands and wonderful fathers. We dont do any of this then we crib they dont show any affection on us.

JUst attaching the following article which I found extremely helpful

10 Things Husbands Want to Hear From Their Wives


Now my ILs have taken a back seat in my life, I can concentrate on my family now. Life is much better. Yes, sometimes I am thrown off guard. I do have my share of testing times. I get angry, depressed. I fight the battle in my own way. But thru all this, I never let my DH responsible for his fam actions. I genuinely appreciate all his love and support.

Every one will have their own set of probs till they die. GOD gives only half glass of water to everyone, for someone glass might be big or for some it might be small. Only its how we see, its half full, or half empty.. I prefer to see half full.

Hope I have not bored all by this long post

 

THank u so much... there is plenty more to write.. maybe an hour is not enough.. Yes, it was lot of effort and a lot and lot of it.. plenty of heart burns and heart breaks.

Most of the probs arise cos of misunderstandings.. lack of comminication and plenty of ego.. A relationship never dies a natural death. It is murdered by ego, attitude and ignorance.

 

I really welcome ur suggestion with all my heart.. I have already tried that with all my heart and soul with pure intentions only to backfire and wreck my marriage. So that is a lost case for me.

I dont harbour any grudges too.

Its always me reminding my DH that he shud never hurt his mom under any circumstances. I can deal with my own probs. I prefer to be happy, as I believe happiness is the best form of revenge. If a person is having good intentions for me, he/she will be happy for my happiness, if not they will be so unhappy that im happy. chit bhi meri pat bhi meri. I just dont care anymore. Forgiving is the best feeling ever.

 

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Very true, its only when both parties want to resolve.. In my case, I have a fantastic DH, by GOD's grace.. Its just the lil things which keep accumulating and build up n spoil a relationship.. I think that is the case with most of the couples today... I dont deny there are grave issues too which cant be handled this way..

As I have mentioned, I dont have any complaints with my DH n vice versa..

Others, I am not a person who can hold onto some grudges for long.. I can let go and forget it ever happened... But the prob here is whenever we meet, there is some new taunt, some new rude comment.. I have just learnt to ignore it. I can forget the past, but what about the present/future..

I am no saint, 1 time out of 10 I do give a reply back.. But my intention would be stop the rudeness.. not to insult/throw mud at the other person.. So I just put a full stop in the beginning. My intention is to save teh otehr person from further evil not my ego or revenge...

Yes, I am human being too, I make my mistakes, even I do things which I regret later on. What i do is, I put money in the charity everytime I do something bad which lies heavy on my conscience...

Life is a never ending story, there is no happy "the end" to life.. It'll continue till we die... How we prefer to live is upto us..
We have to know our priorities in our lives. We are so bothered by the petty/trivial things so much, that we forget to fulfill our own resposibilities well.