Should I have an other baby????

Hi Mihika,

I am sure many ladies out there are sailing in the same boat as your...situation may be little different for each one.

I agree to the 2nd point of your husband.

But 1st and 3rd no-no. What if you have a daughter again. Also why does he think negative of his own child??? Is she weak or is his medical problem heriditary??

You should not refrain from physical relationship just to avoid a pregnancy...instead use precaution. Otherwise your relationship with your spouse will deteriorate further.

Why don't you weigh all the pros and cons on having a second child and do an analysis and share it with your husband. maybe he will understand better.

Also, if you are afraid of the medical expenses in future then please invest in good policies and start securing for your future right from now so later you don't have any problem...i am sure whereever you are there too they will be having good policies for medical and life insurance.

Also, there are different ways and means to secure future...like having your own house, start collecting jewellery etc for your daughter right from now etc. etc.

Finance management and planning is very important not only for you but everyone.

All the Best
Warm regards
Roopa.

 

hi mihika,

i was also very confused and decided to have second one and have baby girl now and my son is 10yrs old.now iam satisfied, tension free. in my case it was opposite i wanted to have ne more but my husband was giving the reasons like to give all the luxury to one. now i know, i have to compromise on lot of things like no vacation, no extra pocket money to buy whatever i wished, my whole life i will have to saveeeeeeee, for kids , education, marriage, etc,but u know what? IT IS WORTH IT , NOTHING AN BE MORE FULFILLING THAN TO WATCH THEM GROW TOGETHER, PLAY AND LAUGH. we cant predict whether they will have good relations further, it completly depends on individual, as far as chilhood is concerned we should try to give them what they deserve, a sibling, infuture when we r no more atleast they can tell hello to each other that makes them feel they re not alone.
iam really fortunate to have my sisters but instead if i had more jwelery or land i would not have been so happy. think about it, but make sure to ask u r husband about child security, and if u have another girl ,what are his thoughts. i got to go, baby is crying

 

Dear Mihika,

Roopa and Swetakiran have given very good points to think about.

I can perfectly understand your confusion and your reluctance in having a second child. Don’t feel guilty and explain that you are not selfish etc. If at all, I think you are being very prudent and justifiably careful because you really want to bring the new baby into this world in the right environment. I applaud you for this forward thinking.

Let me give you my suggestions/thoughts on your reasons first and then I will comment on your husband’s reasons.

First and foremost, if all of your major concerns were addressed, do you want to have a second child? At the end of your post you mention that you are not sure if you will be able to do a good job of raising two kids. This is something that only you can address. Your husband cannot help you with this.

Similarly, some of the points you have listed as your reasons for not having a kid are your personal views and preferences. And there again I don’t think your husband has much of a role to play in terms of help. Only you can address those insecurities. Like point 3 below. This is something you need to come to terms with individually.

1. About your husband being overweight – Have you both talked frankly about this issue? It is not a small one. If his health is suffering to the point that you are scared that he may not be able to function normally one day then his health definitely needs correction.
Talk to a specialist and get a complete analysis of his health and know all possible treatment that can help him. Then sit down with him and with a lot of care and concern talk to him openly about your fears about his health. Tell him all your insecurities relating to this – like the fear that you guys may need a lot of money latter due to his medical issues, loss of job etc. Don’t hold back. Be very open in your communication. Tell him that this is one very major factor that is keeping you from having the second one. Listen to what he says. Tell him very emphatically that you do not feel comfortable having another kid unless this issue is resolved.
2. Your job - I understand your concern about your job. Is there an arrangement you can make to have a nanny or any full time help to look after your baby? For the first few months you will be home on maternity leave anyway . If you have fulltime help, there will be no dependency on the in-laws and you will not feel the guilt of making them work for your kids. They can surely stay with you and provide your kids the love and affection of grand parents but you don’t have to rely on them for getting you through the day. I am a big advocate of hiring help; it cuts down a lot of stress on us and helps greatly in maintaining a relatively stress-free relationship with in-laws. So explore this option very aggressively.
If you plan to have a job outside the home, then you need to rescind to the fact that you may not be able to stay fulltime with your little one for as long as you did with the first one. Maybe you could take a 1 year break instead of the 3 that you took for your older one? It could be less. We cannot have best of both worlds. So know that there is only one thing you will be able to do. Either take the long break or have a decent job.
3. Sibling relationship - You may have a valid point about the closeness between sisters. But really, is that a deciding factor? It may be true that majority of the time (not all); sisters are closer to each other than brother-sister, especially as we grow older. But, in my mind you are unnecessarily confusing yourself by considering this unrelated factor. The fact is that your daughter will have great company, she will enjoy her childhood a lot and latter on in life she will have someone to call her blood relation. This in itself is a great thing, don’t you think so? Other things are bonus. When parents leave this world, all you have for your childhood memories is your siblings. Your siblings are a very major part of your growing up days and latter on they are a gateway to your childhood days. So don’t hold the gender of your second child as a factor in your decision.
As for helping, I think no matter what, after marriage a girl does not go back to her sisters or parents for issues until it becomes a huge one. We all learn to deal with our issues on our own. Sisters become a part of another family and although we may talk frankly to them, somewhere we try to keep our issues to ourselves so that they don’t worry about us. So help again is a non-issue I think.
In our culture there is an unsaid assumption that brothers will help more than a sister would. Sisters get married and go into a different family so they are not held responsible to this family anymore. But a brother is responsible for his sister life long, even when she is married. I personally do not agree with this. I think all siblings should be equally responsible for each other’s welfare and the welfare of their parents. If you think like that then whether you have a girl or a boy next, the help factor will not matter at all.
4. Future savings - Yes, it is very important to plan your finances right till your retirement. Times have changed today and we must no longer depend on our kids for money in our old age. Hire a financial planner and put a plan together. Evaluate where you stand today financially and where you would like to be. Plan your finances accordingly and then see whether you can afford another child or not. Without exact data and numbers, you can’t say for sure that you cannot afford another child or otherwise. So do this systematic exercise with the help of a qualified financial planner.
5. Relationship with in-laws - This goes back to point 2 above. Hire help and do not plan on being home fulltime if you think you are going to go insane. Everyone is different. So there is no reason to think that someone is a better mom than you just because they stayed home with their kid. We all know the obvious benefits of having mom around all the time. But to have an irritated and depressed mom around is no good for the kid. So don’t do things purely out of guilt. Your decision also has to suit your basic nature otherwise you will always feel confused and unhappy and you will do more harm to the kids than good.
6. Husband helping with kids’ chores - Yes, you need the help. However, there are certain husband’s that are difficult to change. My approach would be to hire help for things that can be done by someone else. This gives you more time and energy to take care of things that require your personal attention. From the remaining items list down specific things you’d like your husband to help with and talk to him about those. Many husbands are neither intuitive nor disciplined when it comes to helping out at home. Also, many of them do not see it as their responsibility to chip in the household and kid chores. Fighting with them or lecturing them will not change anything. They have to be re-trained slowly. Some are easy to train and some are not. Identify what type your husband is and rather than expecting nothing or a whole lot from him, set small expectations and let him achieve those first. That way he will be more willing to help I think.

Once you have sorted out the above issues then talk to your husband about his desire to have a male child. This is something that is not in your hands. So he needs to understand it very clearly that this cannot be the only reason to have another child. He also needs to know that disappointments that may crop up from having another girl child and any negligence from him due to this, to either the child or you, is absolutely not acceptable. It will spoil the environment of the whole house. In this case having a sibling will in fact be a disservice to your older daughter rather than a good thing.

The other two reasons your husband lists are fine if all the major concerns are addressed.

Mihika, I totally understand that having a second kid is not any easy decision these days due to all the factors we take into account. So you are doing the right thing by thinking about all the factors beforehand.

From my side, I will just add a little personal tidbit. My experience has been more than rewarding. I have two kids less than 6 yrs of age, one of each gender. I have maintained a fulltime job all this while. Of course, there have been and there will be, many challenges and rough patches; but you get through them looking at the huge positives. But, you can only look at the rough patches positively if you have made your decision after clearly thinking about all the factors and your own desire to have more kids. There is no rule as to how many kids is an ideal number. There are always pros and cons one can list for each number. It is your own liking and understanding of your limitations.

Good luck and do come back with more queries without any hesitation.


SS

 

HI! Mihika,

I know exactly how you feel, although in my case both my husband and me agree in having a second child, but I am scared abt the age differenc ebetween the two.

Initially, my husband (He is an only child), too, was against the idea of having a second kid. Then my FIL was admitted in the hospital for a major surgery and my husband was torn between being at the hospital with his father or at home with us (my son was only a year old then). He was at the hospital for 10days and he was constantly worried abt me as I was alone at home with our son. Now he is convinced that a second child is definitely a good idea.

My brother and me are not so close as in we call each other every day or something. But, if I ever have a problem, I know he will be there by my side. Altho' he's not married, yet!

I hope this helps you.

Regards,

Falguni

 

Dear Mihika,

Dont worry at all, no ramblings etc

SS had come up with all the questions

The first and foremost that you need to ask is this: Do you want to have another child?

All other reasons are secondary. The primary decision making is upto you, being the mother. From what you have written, you are very insecure, shall I say? As SS pointed out, there are PROS and CONS in both. Its like a gray area So don't worry that you are making a selfish, wrong decision. To be frank, always follow your inner gut, 99% of the time it will be right May be you can let it sleep for a while. Your daughter is just 3 years old. May be your hubby might think about this health atleast for the sake of his daughter and you and make some move. May be thats the time you can decide.

Always remember never make decisions just because of the pressure from others , whoever that is.. your husband, family, INLAWS or this society. End of the day whatever decision you are making is going to affect your life, not those people who just give advices and expectations right

So Mihika, dont worry, take your time and whatever your heart says follow it!! everyone else might fail you.. but not your heart !!!

Cheer up

 

dear mihika

as others hav said u shud b strong abt ur decision....talk out things to ur hubby and both of u together take a decision of having a second kid or not...i am sure when u discuss things most of ur doubts wud b cleared..so dun worry n be cheerful

lov
sowmi.

 

Dear Mihika,
I am glad i found this thread. I too have this same problem, and it keeps haunting me.
I have one son who is 2 year old. I'm 28 year old. My BIL too got married 5 years back but now he already has 3 kids aged 3, 1.5 and 2 weeks old. Now, everyone in my hubby family are asking when i will give birth to the next child. I think, they will not rest till I give birth.
My husband also keeps asking me when we will start to think of a "sister for our son". But he has got a genetic condition,which is not a very good thing to pass on to our kids. It is not life threatening, but it is not very great either.My son has already got it, and everyday i feel guilty for doing it to my son. I feel it will be irresponsible from my side to give birth to another baby with the same problem. However it looks like as though my DH is not bothered at all.. I keep telling him that we could adopt "a sister for our son" but I am sure my in laws will never support this.
Right now, I am using an IUD as precaution, so there is no need for me be worried about the unexpected pregnany. But still, I know people will not rest till "I give birth" .
There is no need to avoid physical relation with your husband. That will create more tension between you both.You can use some "female contraception" methods. I don't know if i am allowed to metion it in blogs. But pills and IUDs have all worked for me.
So Mihika, I feel that the decision to have another baby is up to you and once you make up your mind nobody should bully you into changing your mind-whatever your decision is. Others can as many beautiful things about siblings and cute babies and fulfilment that you get when look after the kids etc. But it is your life and your decision.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate babies. In fact I'd always wanted 3 kids of my own from when I was young. But all that changed once I learned about my husband's condition. Now I am happy with the one son I have and I will be satisfied with whatever good name he brings to the family.

Smriti

 

hi, i also agree with iltes, it;s good for your daughter to have a sibling (either boy or girl), THey will LOVE growing up together and even when they are all grown up they will have someone else they can always talk to and trust....Once they are married they can always come back to each other for comfort , support and advice....just my thoughts....sashComputer TypingComputer Typing

 

Hi Mihika,

Planning for a second child is not too problamatic as u feel.. I guess u underwent all the problems once for ur first child but u are not considering it as a problem or Pain when u see ur kid.. Similarly every pbm or pain will become a happiness. Happiness for ur family.. ur husband will be happy, ur kid will be happy... I saw a blog on SingleChild Syndrome here in IL.. can u go through that once. u may change ur mind toooo who knows


sasirekha