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The bloody game

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hpt, Feb 20, 2013.

  1. hpt

    hpt Silver IL'ite

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    This forum is so dear to me. I have been a silent reader of this for almost 18 months. It has helped me to cope with my marriage life. So I want to share some of my personal experiences here.

    I am working women with a year old daughter. I am 2 years in to marriage. My DH is wonderful with his own limitations. We live in a joint family with MIL,FIL,BIL,Co-sister. Another BIL & his wife live separately. None of my family members are cruel. However, it doesn’t make my marriage life easier. I don’t think I could blame anyone for my condition. Because the society itself is so biased against women. So when I stepped in to marriage and thought all will be blissful, reality gave me a sharp look and shrugged me off!

    All the general Me-SIL, me-MIL, me-BIL, me- FIL, me-DH problems cropped up as soon as I got married. To add an interesting twist, I got pregnant in the next month of my wedding. Marriage is not a bed of roses had I imagined it to be. It is a never-ending game and that too a bloody tiring game with me against an entire family. When I miserably failed in every aspect of it, I was too frustrated that I want to end it by giving the ultimatum – Divorce!!!

    With my DH’s help, I came out of that depression and leading a fine life low. However, I would never forget the lessons I learnt through it. Now I formed a system/rules/strategy to play this game fairly so that I don’t loose it altogether.

    Emotional independence:
    I don’t know what happened to my lousy mind, ever since I got married I become this ‘Hutch’ puppy dog and tagged on to my husband for every emotional need. This almost killed my marriage. Before marriage I worked for an IT company where one of my senior colleague literally abused my work. I never once felt the need to resign my job. I just don’t care about this and continued to work inspite of the troubled environment. I never felt very emotional. However, after marriage, a word from my MIL is enough to provoke a war between my DH and me. I attributed all my sorrow, happiness, fears and every other feeling to my DH that strained my relationship. Poor fellow. After a point, I realised unless and until I stop being an emotional fool in the marriage, no one is going to save me!!!

    A lot of self-talk helps me to come out of it. Also controlling temper helps me enough. Even now, I am doing this sometimes. However, I am able to understand that I behave in so and so way because of being over-emotional. Now before I wage a war against someone, at least I give it a thought whether it’s really worth it!


    Financial independence:
    Before marriage I used to think that one fine day I should resign my work and take care of my DH, Children and my extended family and be this typical DIL. Now this thought makes me shudder. I strongly believe that If at all my family lends their ears for my opinion however bitter it sounds for them, it is because I am financially sound. My financial independence makes them understand I am sticking to this marriage out of my own personal choice. If they think of abusing me, they know that I would walk out and lead a peaceful life. This keeps them out of line. Besides, I don’t know what would happen to my life if I am financially dependent on my DH and something happens for him. Will his extended family care? No, I will be treated as a crap.

    Taking care of me:
    Ok, This may sound selfish, but this is what I exactly advocate to myself. Be selfish. If I expect my DH or IL would take care of me, then I will be a laughing stock. The bitter truth is no one is going to take care of me. Hence I take care of myself as a princess. Everybody else comes next to me, even my daughter. All were blessed with beautiful life. So I don’t have to live for others. It is their job to do that.

    I go out alone and enjoy the food I like. I go alone and purchase stuffs that I adore. I gift myself and encourage me to do things that I want to achieve. I splurge on beauty products. I regularly do facials. I exercise in spite of my hectic work schedule. I diet to look good. I do everything to keep myself happy, content, and confident. Only if I feel good, I could play the damn game with others. Expecting others to do it is a total waste of time.


    Handling issues directly

    Another issue I learnt with lot of difficulty is ‘Handling issues with IL directly’. Earlier I used to run to my DH like a wounded child whenever my in-laws rubs me. Just like nobody is going to take care of me, nobody is going to defend me as well. Either I handle it or ignore it. Handling or ignoring depends on the intensity of issue. I am not a saint to bite a bullet and ignore all the ill treatments. If something sounds atrocious to me, I speak out for myself. But I never ever repeat the mistake of involving my DH in the family trivia. If my co-sister gives me a hard time, I learnt to give her an equal hard time. I don’t want to chase my husband for it. If my MIL or FIL throws tantrums, I give cold replies then and there.

    Be guilt free

    After marriage, I realised, we women were troubled with unnecessary guilt. Blame the society for it.
    If I go out with my DH, I should feel guilty for leaving my PIL.
    If I want to set up a nuclear family, I should feel guilty for leaving IL.
    If I leave my DD with my parents and go for a beauty treatment, I should be guilty for being so selfish.
    If I don’t cook for a day, I should feel guilty for being irresponsible.
    If I come late from office, I should feel guilty for not taking care of my DD.

    Damn the guilt. I refuse to budge for any of these sentiments. I consider them silly.



    Pursue hobbies

    I love reading books. Also I blog a lot. Before marriage I always dream of having a huge personal library for me. As soon as I stepped in to the wedlock, I gave death kiss to books & blogs. I almost lost my passion to read books. This was a grave mistake. When I don’t do something, which I always cherish to do, my self-confidence takes a tumble and feel like now why am I living this worthless life. Am I being invented to serve DH, IL and others? This wicked thought once played devil in my mind. Now, no matter what I find time to do things that I love to do. This brings me lots of fulfilment to my life.

    Don’t chase

    This technique I always use against my DH. Just like most male my DH once was a momma boy. He just loves his mommy. So after a hard working day, when I wait for him to share all my life sorrows and desires, he most pleasurably chit-chat with his mother and would blindly ignore me. The more I request him to come and talk with me, more happily he spent time with others.

    One fine day, I stopped looking for him altogether. I created my own world and started to enjoy it. He tried to speak with me, but I gave this careless look and continued to do what I do. I did this for one month. Now he got the taste of his own medicine. The lesson is don’t chase things. They will come to me if I ignore it.


    Sense Jealousy

    This is something specific for all female members of the family. I guess women are brain wired for jealousy. And this includes me. I feel most of the problems I have with SIL, co-sister, MIL is out of plain envy. The harsh reality is I could not stand them being happy and they could not digest me being happy. This is something that bothers me even now. And it’s not that easy to handle. The only solution that I figured out so far for this is, being happy with my DH. At least try to fake the happiness with DH in front of them. None of my other female opponent can stand this. They get more jealous and do some thing stupid.

    Avoid discussing silly issues

    Lastly, avoid talking personal issues with others unless there is a dire need for it. The truth is many finds pleasure in my miserable situation. Hence I don’t discuss my issues with others. If I want to vent out something, I take my diary and pour my heart to it, or come to an online forum like this.


     
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  2. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    Excellent points. Thanks for sharing.
     
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  3. DGcreative

    DGcreative Platinum IL'ite

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    :bowdown:bowdown:bowdown:bowdown:bowdown
     
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  4. vsharma

    vsharma Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Hpt,

    Very nicely narrated. Good that you giving time for yourself and your hobbies :thumbsup
     
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    You are amazing hpt! Very inspirational, my dear.

    It must have been a very intense 2 years for you. You have been brave through everything and won your life back.
    Keep going strong. :clap:clap:clap

    The way you have documented every point is so clear and simple. If all of us follow your way, we have nothing but happiness waiting for us! Thanks for taking the time to put this all up.

    And oh! I would love to see your blog. :)
     
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  6. BharatS

    BharatS Gold IL'ite

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    There are two things that both wife and husband should achieve considering the “Risk” factors involved in marriage these days

    Wife: Financially and Emotionally independent

    Husband: Psychologically and Domestically independent

    Once these are achieved by both husband and wife, it is easy to attain equilibrium in the marriage and be prepared for unexpected doldrums in married life

    Since you have achieved what is essential, you will not be effected as much as it is feared even if the marriage has to break unexpectedly for whatever could be the reasons.

    It is indeed very commendable and I appreciate it

    Good luck
     
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  7. chocogal26

    chocogal26 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey hpt,

    Thanks to share your experience n decisions. One of my friend...she lives in joint family. FIL, MIL, BIL, Cosis,
    SIL(married comes often), she is not working, she is elder dils. she came from nice family as compare to cosis.
    She is facing jealousy from almost all females of her family. Mil is ok don't interfare much.
    SIL comes often with kids.
    Specially SIL n Cosis are jealous . reason cud be any thing like.
    1. My friends DH is most genuine n decent person as compare to BIL N SIL's DH. Her DH loves my friend alot.
    2. My friends DH earns good, as compare to bil, sils dh.
    3. My friend is good in looks n fair too as compare to cosis, SIL also very beautiful. when some unknown person goes to their house they asked they are sisters(SIL n my friend).
    4. My friends dh bought a bungalow on his name. but they didn't .
    She(my friend) is very caring, loving person, wants to get along with them also. treat them like their own sister. SIL, BIL, My friend same age group....though she wants to enjoy girly stuff with them....but they generally manages hurt her. sometimes cosis, sil hurts alott . she cries but don't understand why they are doing this??
    can u suggest me what should she do...her hubby says don't talk to them...but she thinks jealously cannot be end up by not talking each other, can u suggest some trick, ???

    Sense Jealousy

    This is something specific for all female members of the family. I guess women are brain wired for jealousy. And this includes me. I feel most of the problems I have with SIL, co-sister, MIL is out of plain envy. The harsh reality is I could not stand them being happy and they could not digest me being happy. This is something that bothers me even now. And it’s not that easy to handle. The only solution that I figured out so far for this is, being happy with my DH. At least try to fake the happiness with DH in front of them. None of my other female opponent can stand this. They get more jealous and do some thing stupid.
     
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  8. sandhiyasumi

    sandhiyasumi New IL'ite

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  9. shreepriya

    shreepriya Silver IL'ite

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    Well said...
    want to follow ur points
     
  10. mlsruthi

    mlsruthi Silver IL'ite

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    Very true words...Even i travel in the same boat...

    Each and every points resembled me and my situation as well. I too started to love myself first than giving importance to others...still have lot of issues with my MIL as i am in a joint family and being a working women its really hard to balance both the tasks..including looking after my dd who is 2 yrs old...

    Anyways...whatever happens..i am ready to enjoy my life for the moment i live rather thinking about the past and worrying about the future...

    You have good writing skills..My best wishes to you...
     
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