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  1. #1
    Kazjul is offline New ILite
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    Default Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Dear Ilites,

    I need to make sense of what I'm going through.... I thought of posting here as I value your suggestions..

    I have been married for 5 years almost 6 now. We live in the UAE. Ours was a love marriage. We have a 3 and half year old daughter. Problems in my marriage started when I was pregnant after a year & half. My husband is the only child. I never knew his family that well. It was only during the pregnancy that my MIL came and I was able to read her character. My pregnancy was high risk. I was put on complete bed rest. Anyway I had seen a bit of her character during our wedding as she was concerned about caste etc. Anyway, lots of things happened during that time & my mother had to come etc. He also raised his hand on me during the 7th month. My mother did not take this lying down. she gave him strong words. Finally, after my delivery my mom had to leave our house as she could not bear his behaviour. After this he put a condition: if i want to be in this marriage stop contact with my family. During this time I was affected by his behaviour and I went into a depression. I knew something was wrong. when i tried to tell him, he would say I need to change my behaviour. Otherwise people will talk accordingly.

    I followed with this condition. After a while I got a job and he started harrassing me about my salary. Mind you this coming from him. He is doing very well. We dont even have to spend on our accommodation (v r based in the Gulf). He works at a top post for an oil co. My salary was nothing compared to his. Anyway, I offered him various suggestions such as we can put a certain amt towards joint savings etc or I can spend for household expenses. However, he was adamant I put my salary away for saving & to borrow money from him. when we went down to India I would fight as I would want to see my family. He would allow me to see them for 5 days. also when we would fight he would not talk to me for 5-6 days. He would not look at our daughter. He would not eat at home or pick her from the babysitter. this was very traumatic as I did not have any family to speak to and I did not want to bring my parents in the picture again.

    In 2010 when we went down to India he was fighting with me for my salary. He and his parents came chasing after me. Finally I relented & told him to take it and do what he wants with it. When I do things according to his ways he likes it. Otherwise he does not support me. However, mentally I was still in depression...I kept on going on somehow..for the sake of my daughter. He would be nice to us..if things are done his way...but the minute I put my foot down he would put all blame on me. He would say I need to change.

    At the end of 2011 all my money I had put in our joint account. But he never put any of his money in it. He would only spend for the grocery shopping. He was happy when I did this. that year we went down to India and I told a family friend how I have not been coping very well when I went to my mother's place. I went to see a therapist and was diagnosed with postnatal depression. she suggested to come for therapy sessions. when I went back to my inlaws place I told my husband I need to go to the doctor. He assumed it was a gynae or something. Along the way I told him I'm seeing a psychiatrist. He was quiet but he accompanied me for the sessions. My daughter was kept home with the inlaws. After a few weeks we left back to the UAE.

    I really thought that my husband was supporting me. Back in the UAE I lost my job. I thought this was for the best. I decided to make changes for myself...doing things that I loved before marriage etc. concentrating on our daughter etc. I told him I need some money for myself (to join gym, classes, etc). He started saying why do I need so much money? I had asked for 2000/- He said he doesnt trust me...I maybe sending money to my parents! He suggested using the cr card. After this he stopped talking to me...it continued for a month. No talking, no eating, no buying grocery, little interaction with daughter, during weekends he would go out with colleagues or relatives...I started using the cr card. But he blocked this too! It was like he was torturing me slowly...waiting for me to have a breakdown...

    Again after a month I patiently tried to ask him what he want's from this marriage. He said I have a problem in the marriage. I am not well mentally. I need psychiatric assessment & that he has been recording our fights! I did not keep quiet for him. I had enough of it. He started taking our daughter out after the fight (something which he has never done since she was born) I suspected something fishy. also, he would always hide her passport. when he went out with her I found her pport in his bag. when he came back he went to look straight for the pport! I knew then his intentions were not good..After he had gone out I took my daughter & left for Europe (my siblings reside there). And he hasn't called since...at least to enquire about his daughter?


    I find his behaviour very confusing. He is very nice to us when everything is done his way. But the minute there is defiance from my side he starts harrassing me. also, though my MIL would not live with us...he is constantly in touch with her. The minute he speaks to her he is different. He is also heavily influenced by his aunt & cousin. Infact the MIL has said in the past she has every right to interfere in her sons marriage. I find two sides to him...firstly he is controlling, abusive and secondly he can't let go of the apron strings....

    What would you'll suggest? to go for a separation? I still love him..but how can love work if there is no trust & understanding...

    Need your suggestions...

    I have kept this as brief as possible.


  2. #2
    sokanasanah is offline Gold ILite
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Quote Originally Posted by Kazjul View Post
    I took my daughter & left for Europe.
    He is very nice to us when everything is done his way.
    Emotional abuse and mama's boy.
    Your husband is controlling and abusive. There is no ambiguity in my mind. This sort of behavior gets my hackles up, but only you can decide whether you are willing to subjugate your desires to his for the rest of your life. I have had it with husbands and in-laws controlling the purse-strings to bludgeon wives and daughters-in-law into submissive dependency. This is a variety of bonded labor - nothing more. I am not sure what the word 'love' means to you ... well, the devil on my shoulder is goading me toward intemperate remarks; it's better that I stop now and simply say that I don't understand it.

    This business about taking your daughter and leaving for Europe is very tricky. It has legal implications at least under US law. Since your story spans India, West-Asia and Europe, it's rather complicated. Make sure you get sound legal advice.


  3. #3
    Kazjul is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Dear Sokanasanah,

    I value your opinion. My parents have been trying to drill the same thing in my head. I guess they see the picture from the other side. I did my best to salvage my marriage. He kept my mother as a target (for the words she spoke) and inspite of this I kept my family away for 3 & 1/2 years. But try as I may he would always go back to the past & use things against me. But using my depression against me was the last straw...

    I dont know why I still have feelings for such a monster! I guess I am too scared of the future...


  4. #4
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    Megalife is offline Gold ILite
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Kazjul
    A rottten situation you are in, no doubt!
    How long since you left UAE?......if itz been over six months then your residency gets cancelled. If you and the kid were sponsored by your hus, he might have already got it cancelled.
    I understand that you are apprehensive of the future....but it not worth putting up with a guy who blurred you whole thought process! You seem gasping! Also, he can never be a good father , if this is the way he treats you. You daughter is better off without him messing up your lives .
    You have to move legally regarding separation, you DD'S rights from her father and some alimony to see you through. Also, you need to try really hard to find a job. Discuss the further steps to be taken with elders in your family, tell them life is unbearable with this control freak . In Europe what is you visa ...tourist? Did you have your ( and ur daughters) visa ready, I am surprised how you could get out of UAE so fast.


  5. #5
    Anitap is offline IL Hall Of Fame
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Psycho alert.

    You are better off without him.

    smilysmile likes this.

  6. #6
    Kazjul is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Hi Megalife,

    As far as Im aware he has already filed a police complaint for the both of us missing. Fortunately I am an eu national (of indian origin) however my daughter is an indian national. I really dont know about the legal procedures...would the indian court favor me? I know that he has a lot of money & vaasta..


  7. #7
    soulful is offline Silver ILite
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Seek legal Opinion in India and the EU Asap. GoodLuck


  8. #8
    rkk1 is offline Senior ILite
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    He is emotionally abusive, physically abusive, and financially abusive... and possibly a mama's boy as well. It is no wonder you are falling into depression living with such a monster. His controlling behavior is not normal at all. You need a job to get financial stability for yourself. Do not put anything into a joint account.

    You need to have the strength and courage to stay away from this man, no matter how attached you are to him. Otherwise, your child will grow up in this abuse. He has already shown cruelty towards her by not picking her up from the babysitter. Do not allow him to abuse her or for her to grow up near him. She deserves better. (You deserve better also, but clearly you do not see this well, otherwise you would not want to go back to him. So that's is why I am at least saying this for her sake.)

    The one biggest problem here is that by taking her out of country, you may have committed a crime. In the US, it is considered international kidnapping for one parent to take the child out of country without the other parent's permission. You should have saught the help of a lawyer before leaving. Now you are in a bind, and it is best you seek legal help immediately so that you aren't given kidnapping charges. Please seek a lawyer now without any delay. In fact, if you can go home to your parents (or have them come to you) that might also help, as you need support right now.


  9. #9
    Kazjul is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Hi all,

    Thank you for your replies. My parents will be coming at the end of this week to be with us. I fully undertand how my husband has been treating me...but what confuses me is his behaviour.....he is so nice to us when we dont have issues..he would take us out, go to places etc... but at the end of it all it has come down to this! I am trying so much to make some sense in my mind....this is what is stopping me to make a decision...its like a sick mind game...am I wrong somewhere?


  10. #10
    sokanasanah is offline Gold ILite
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    Default Re: Emotional abuse or mama's boy...

    Quote Originally Posted by Kazjul View Post
    .... but at the end of it all it has come down to this! I am trying so much to make some sense in my mind....this is what is stopping me to make a decision...its like a sick mind game...am I wrong somewhere?
    I don't think you are wrong. It's a big decision, so doubts are normal. In the end, it always comes down what you can live with and what you cannot. Your husband's attitude is not conducive to a healthy marriage and a happy life - but that's my point of view, a reflection of what I am willing to tolerate - or not.

    The crucial thing right now is to get legal advice. You cannot let your daughter become a pawn in this game. Explore your options first - without knowing the range of choices you have and the constraints, you cannot make a sound decision.

    ShilpaMa and arch1209 like this.


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