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Should I Marry my Fiancee - Please Advise

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Karanverma, Nov 14, 2012.

  1. Karanverma

    Karanverma Senior IL'ite

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    Background: I met a girl online 10 years ago and we became very good friends, even though we would talk once in a month or so. When our parents started looking out for our life partners, we thought that we would actually make a very good pair and informed it to our parents. I must tell you that until that moment, we never met each other directly; it was all over phone :) When our parents agreed, we finally saw each other in flesh :) So, in short, our's is a long-distance relationship. When we first met, we were very impressed with each other and no complaints from either side.

    Issue: Belonging to Cancer sun sign, I am naturally possessive of her. I am not comfortable if she goes to movies and disco's with her male friends (with no other female to give her company). Earlier, she was going but I never complained because she was only my friend then. She says, this is a restriction on her. If she stays late in night, I get afraid of her safety and call her to get assurance that she is safe and advise her to go home early. She doesn't like this. She stays alone in a flat, by the way. I enquire if she had taken food on time every day. She doesn't like me asking this. I give gifts to her regularly (mostly online because we live in different cities) and tell her how much I love her. She complains that there shouldn't be too much of love. I am basically romantic and always think about how I could surprise her, how I could shower her with more love, etc. but she never pays it back. I mean, I just don't get that feeling from her. By the way, she was the one, who proposed first. She asks, if she could wear short dresses and when I tell her that I don't like her wearing revealing dresses, she gets angry. I am a bit emotional by nature and show this side only to my very close people. Sometimes, I cried in front of her (I never cry in front of my friends also !!) and she says that she doesn't find me manly. I am sensitive and she says, she doesn't find this manly. She is very close with 5 male friends (and no female friend) and she takes one of them as an inspiration and looks for those qualities in her husband. She also said that earlier I was like that (when I was just a friend) and doesn't find those qualities in me anymore. I might want to add that she never had an affair with him; they are but only good friends.

    Current Situation: Everyone in our family is aware that we are having problems now (although they do not know the problem in specific) and the final decision is now in her hands (we are originally slated to marry early next year, i.e. 2013). She is thinking about all these things now and I am waiting for her decision. I just want to know if I am being over possessive here. Please let me know if a man shouldn't behave like this. Please advise me whether I should go ahead with this match (until today, I was only waiting for her decision but I think, I should also think about it now). Sometimes, when I talk to her, I feel as if I am being described as an inferior person. A person, who is all of negative qualities and is definitely denting my confidence. I assured that I will change and never ask her to decline going out with friends (although my heart may not still accept it); I told her that I will adjust and I will change for her. I am not sure what to do. Just to add, I am faily built (proper BMI), do not look bad and receive compliments from several people. She is fat and short but I never complain because I never want her to feel bad. She asks me to become fat, build more muscles, etc. etc. and I am trying my best. Yes, I am now fairly muscular after all those efforts just for her. She was never like this. Have I changed or has she changed? Is this normal in any relationship? Am I not able to understand her well? Please advise, I am lost. She just sent me a message apologizing for taking such a long time to take final decision. I am unable to determine what to do. Am I being desperate and losing myself? Please advise. A 'no' at this point will definitely shatter my heart because I have loved her a lot.

    I do not know if I should have shortened the message but I just wanted to put everything here. I apologize if such a long message is never encouraged.


    Regards,
    Karan
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2012
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  2. haagesummane

    haagesummane Gold IL'ite

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    how many female friends u hv..??
     
  3. Karanverma

    Karanverma Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Haagesummane,

    Thank you for responding. Well, I have mix of friends - male and female. I too have female friends that are very close to me but I never compare them with my fiance. I do not go to disco's :) One more thing, my fiancee is still very good at heart and is very good as a person. Just that we have these ideological differences.
     
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  4. Karanverma

    Karanverma Senior IL'ite

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    One more problem that I have is that she is never possessive of me. Even if I go out with my ex-girlfriend (although I do not go), she is very much ok with it. If I go out with my female friends, she will still not mind it. I am of opinion (and I do not know if it is right or wrong) that there should be some possessiveness in love.
     
  5. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Well, if I were in your shoes, with your nature I would say a No now itself, as my thumb-rule is "When in doubt, say a No".

    From your description, you sound more of a conservative nature, and your fiancee seems to be more of an out-going nature. Your possessiveness would only increase after marriage, which might eventually suffocate her.
    Both of you seem to be having different expectations / "requirements" out of this marriage. She seems to be looking for a more care-free marriage, while you are looking out for a traditional / conservative girl in her. If your expecatations do not meet, your marriage could be a disaster.

    Even if you choose to go ahead with the marriage, please make sure you both understand your differences, and either 'agree to dis-agree', or try to find a mid-way.

    All the Best !
     
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  6. whatisaguytodo

    whatisaguytodo Gold IL'ite

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    OMG!!! The things in red are major red flags. I didn't read the rest because I didn't have to. NO. Under no circumstances should you marry her. You two aren't compatible, just walk away.

    Couple of things..

    i) You're a doormat. You let her walk all over you without saying anything about it. Hence the term doormat. There's a thread in the singles section about what a doormat is. You are the classic example. If you don't like something say so. If she leaves just because you had an argument it's best to let her go. You are a vertebrate. Stand up for yourself.

    ii) Don't change yourself for her. You'll never be happy.


    Why you are a doormat.
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/singles-world/194483-why-nice-guys-often-such.html
     
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  7. blessbabydust

    blessbabydust IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear brother My kind suggestion is sit and talk about your concern and tell her what is the future impacts would be if she continues this attitude after marriage and what is the ill effect on your relationship currently . Once you opened the heart and feelings to her if she still not sync with you then it is your call for sure .

    Atlast marriage is string bound between two people heart not body . Think about long term :)
     
  8. ruknights

    ruknights New IL'ite

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    i wouldnt marry somebody who thinks that i am not good enough... but thats just me... after 10 years of friendship, one can say those things to her best friend ( i am using the term best friend, fiance is whole another level) and not apologize (given that she was angry and she didnt mean it), that's not something i would ignore (if i were you) ...
     
  9. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    How can you marry some one who is saying you are not man enough. Every one has emotional side. We are human beings. I think she is purposefully being rude, un appreciative and instigating arguments like asking short skirt and all so she can have a clean break from you. She doesn't have the guts to dump you. So she is behaving like this so you can dump her and walk out of the relationship.
    Anyway it does not matter what she thinks. You can't get into her head to find out. All you can decide by seeing her actions and words.
    To me the big No will be the comment of you being not man enough. No respect or care or love from her. You are just lliving in your fantasy relationship.
     
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  10. steve

    steve Platinum IL'ite

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    It's a NO. Run (away) like the wind. You are who you are. Whatever label they stick to you is immaterial. You have a right to be happy and to find a compatible spouse. It's only engagement and it doesn't sound like she is weak minded.
     
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