A new problem in my married life

Dear friends at IL,

Since I last moved out from my house and my hubby asked me to return, things have improved a lot. Like now, my hubby is more at home with us. He helps me with house work. Takes care of kids if i go out or if i m busy with my cooking or other house work. However emotionally he is still not there. Though most of his gestures show that he cares for us.

Now coming to my new problem. I have 2 colleague friends (a man n a woman), the woman friend has turned out to be my best friend and knows my personal problems and is always ready to guide and assist me. This new male friend is a divorcee and has been working in my firm for the last 7 years. We all 3 r good friends and always helping each other. I feel i am different person when i am at work.

Let me also tell you his story, which all in my firm know about. 4 years back he had gone to India for his marriage (girl selected by his family) and after a month he returned back. He promised his wife that once she gets her passport done he will bring her to Kuwait. A month later he got news that his wife has disappeared. Neither his family nor hers knew her wherabouts. He took emergency leave and went down to India to search for her. He took help from cops and a week later she was found at her ex-boyfriend's place. The girl was in love with her b/f for 5 years and her parents were aginst him as he was of a different religion, so they forced her into this marriage. Anyway this guy refused to accept her as he felt he was cheated and so also she was not ready to get back with him. So he divorced her.

Now the problem is this guy has come to know through my friend about my personal problem and is now interested in me. He shows his affection towards me. I try as much to avoid him as i feel i m risking my marriage. But then on the other hand i feel i am not doing anything bad to feel guilty about. I also notices that when we are together, i am more happier than when i am at home with my hubby. My hubby's cold attitude towards me hurts a lot within.

My friend advised that i should inform my hubby about this guy so that he will be aware that there is someone who cares for me and wil ge insecure. And if he really cares for me and fears that he may lose me, he will surely try to be more responsive towards me... I am really not sure.

Can you guys advise me something? I dont want to break my marriage and lose my kids.

Confused Diana

Let me make one thing clear, that I have no emotional feeling towards him and only takes him as a friend. And I only feel that if someone else can show his care for me...why cant my hubby????

Hi diana,
Well,the first thing that i would like to say is , Please dont talk abt this to your hubby!!
This may ruin ur life again!! though u may not have any emotional reciprocation to ur friend,ur hubby might get insecure and might turn things worse!!
One more thing is,if i remember correctly ur hubby had a premarital affair right!! and after so much of marital issues he has got back on track with u and ur kids.Now again in any way if he feels that he is going to lose u then he might feel ditched again!!!

And abt this friend of urs...He may have this feelign of affection to you which could have churned out of empathy that he feels for u or the friendship he has for u!!But whatever it is...I thing u shld ignore it or make him know that things are changing and that ur finding happiness in ur marriage!
I am saying all this because through ur posts i know how much u have tried to make ur marriage work!!!And now when things are changing....i dont want u to be in fresh problems!!this is out of concern!!
And finally,its upto u to decide..!!
This friend of urs can be a very good person...u might feel bad to hurt him...but try to solve all this without hurting his feelings and at the same time not to lose his friendship!!!

I wrote this reply ,the instant i read ur post!! I wrote what i felt shld help u...but ur the best person to decide!

Hope all turns out well!
Luv,
Jaya

hmm..well life is strange chain of event.

My take:

- Dont confuse your own feelings.(I feel this even after reading your disclaimer in end, that you are getting emotionally confused about this episode) Just because you dont find emotional comfort from husband, it should not drive you in your friend's love. Love is something you have without reciprocation. If you ever had to fall in love with that other guy, it would have happened before. Just because He is interested, your thought about him are just plain desperation of your own frustration from husband. Never let your frustration for anything drive you into anything. Because then your own choices will not be rational.

- If your female friend has shared your family details with him, its about time you gave her some serious advice. Dont show your dilemma over this guy to the female friend. Chances are she will share that also.

- Your female friend's advice makes me believe, she wants to push you towards that other guy. I personally dont know her, but I just get these vibes by her insane advice. Why would a wellwisher suggest you to fire your own house? Please restrain from telling anything to your husband about it. Just as "IMeMyself " has wisely advised.


- Your following statement concerns me, Wake up Diana. Life is not all about us. Life is about Choices we make, Beliefs we hold, Commitment we keep, Children we brought in this world, Struggles we undergo to have roof over head, Keeping our parent's head high.. Life is lot more than it looks at any given moment. So first seggregate your own feelings. Tell yourself, someone's compassion over your issues shouldnot even raise any doubts in your heart. You are in this marriage not because of how great you husband is, But because how committed, cultured and dedicated person you are. Once you sort this out. Your own heart will show you the way to strongly tell this male friend to not "misunderstand your friendship and to not poke his nose in your personal life".

""He shows his affection towards me. I try as much to avoid him as i feel i m risking my marriage. But then on the other hand i feel i am not doing anything bad to feel guilty about.""

I hope I could be of help somewhat.

Ria

Thanks Ria and IMeMyself, for your kind advice. Let me inform you that I have no soft corner or feelings for this guy, and I have made it clear to him. I also do not beleive in divorce or extra marital affairs. And I also felt that as my hubby was ditched by his ex and me also cheating on him would worsen things between us. But should he not understand that by keeping himself away from me, he could be pushing me to another person.

Let me also inform you....I have been married for 8 years now and all this while I have not felt like his betterhalf. He never showed any loving gestures towards me. Spent quality time with me. Took me on a date. Gifted me on my b'day or our wedding anniversary. Took us on an outing. Even if we were invited for a party/function, I either took kids and went alone or didnt go at all, but he never joined us. If i do make plans for us, he sometimes agree to it but last minute ditches me.

Regarding my female friend, I was also cross with her for informing this guy about my personal problems, but she said that this guy noticed that i was hiding my sadness under my smile, so he inquired if i had any problems. She only told him that I and my hubby dont get along that well and thats all she said.

Also about asking me to tell my hubby about this guy, she didnt mean that i really do so but we were just fooling at that time. But that thought always kept coming to me when i had some problems with my hubby.

I beleive that it is always good to have a healthy conversation between couples to bond their marriage. But in my case I am the only one doing all the talking, while he just gives deaf ears. And if I do ask him for his opinion, he says - do what you feel is best. And that irritates me, can't he sometime take the initiative.

I try to divert my mind elsewhere to keep myself happy. My job keeps me happy. I love reading, so I joined a library. I like surfing the net. I practice yoga and meditation. But at the end of the day, when I need my hubby to just hug/hold me, he is not there. And that depresses me.

Friends advise me something that i can do to make my hubby soften towards, as i get alot depressed these days.

Depressed Diana

Oh come on Diana,
Don't sign off on a depressed note!! U r a very positive person!!
So dont let negative emotions creep in!!
Ria's mail is a good read ....really she has given each and every point worth to be applied in ur current situation!!

Ur hubby had called u back home after u walked out on him...that shows he needs u!! he needs his family!! So this is the starting point and it took 8 yrs for u to make him feel that way!! Yes,it is a long time but u did it and slowly all other things will fall in place!!

Give him some time....now since u have ur arguments and fights at bay...just...slowly keep approaching him!
He will come out of his shell!!

Each night before going to sleep...for some time jus dream of the happy days ahead..! Dream abt how u want ur hunny to love u...how u ,ur kid and ur hubby are having a great time!!Be strong in believing that this will happen!!
Believe me...this will work!but u got be strong!tell ur subconscious mind that this happiness is ur future!And try to imagine those happy days that r going to come!!
It will definitley come!!! This will surely work !!!

And try to silently overcome ur hubby's mind!!Dont do lot of talking...!
Even if he is talking very few words...give ur full attention to it!!
If he does listen then just try talkign abt ur work..or just somehow persuade him abt a nice place that u and ur kid wld like to visit and make him take u'll out!! May b this might work or may not! But slowly try!!

Jaya

Thanks Jaya,

I guess I am just getting carried away with this new happening in my life. Instead I should be happy with what I have and not depressed with what i dont have. Thanks for understanding.

Life I guess is not always a bed of roses. I have lovely kids and home for me. I just hope someday things will change for better between me n my hubby. God knows best for us and I have trust in Him.

Thanks again

Diana

Dear Diana,

Jaya and Ria have given wonderful advice. I like the thought that Jaya has suggested – “dream positive things”. Dreams have a lot of power.

I was not part of IL when you first posted about your issues. So I spent some time in the last few days reading about some of the history behind your situation.

Your last post seemed to have a defeated tone. Don’t lose hope.You have to make an effort today so that your tomorrows can be good. This time around, leave no stone unturned to make things happen for you. Give it all you have.

After knowing where you were a few years ago and where you are now, I have to congratulate you on achieving such a huge feat of getting your otherwise uninvolved and disinterested husband to take interest in the family. This is by no means a small achievement. And the lion’s share of the credit for making this happen goes to your undeterred efforts! Give yourself a big pat on the back Diana! Of course, we must give your husband some credit too for changing himself in this regard! J But your persistence in trying different things has yielded these positive results. Please take a few minutes and applaud yourself for courageously bringing about this GREAT positive streak in your life. You really have turned things in your favor to a very great extent.

Now coming to your current issue. I will not elaborate much on the triangle that you are somehow trying to create by getting this other guy into the picture. My thoughts are absolutely in agreement with Jaya and Ria.

Frankly, reading your post I am quite sure that you have no feelings for this guy. In fact, to me, your dilemma about “using” this guy to bring your husband back on track confirms that you still crave for a good and loving relationship with your husband. You really care a lot about making things work with your husband. So please don’t fool yourself by saying that you will be doing nothing wrong if you give this other guy encouragement or that you feel good in his company. I think you are in such a vulnerable state of mind right now that anyone who says words of solace and comfort to you will make you feel happy. So please get this third person out of your mind. You have done the right thing by telling this guy that you are not interested. Don’t waste any time thinking about this angle.

Let us think what we can do to cause a change of heart in your husband.

In your posts you say that your husband has been emotionally unavailable all these years of marriage primarily because he was ditched by his ex girlfriend. Was there any open talk between you and him about this issue? What was the outcome of that talk? We may be able to infer something from that.

Here are some suggestions I can think of right now. I like to use bullet wise approach because it tells you what milestones you have reached and what more is left. It keeps one encouraged to see that they are making progress and also helps in keeping the focus at the end goal.
First, do some introspection -

• 1. Define what emotional involvement and support from husband means to you. Write down what you’d expect as gestures of emotional support from him. For ex. taking charge of the kids from you when you are tired, getting food from outside or making alternate meal arrangements for the family when he sees you are running out of steam, making a positive conversation with you (even if it is just a few lines). Subtle things like that.

I’d like to emphasize on the word subtle here. The reason for listing only subtle actions is that he has been mentally so removed from you for so many years that it is a rather misplaced expectation to think that he should start displaying care and affection in bold ways (like gifting, taking you out for a date etc). He may eventually start doing the bold ones too but to start with I think it would be good to keep your expectations limited to subtle actions.

2. Once you have this wish list, bind yourself to a certain timeframe to achieve at least a few of these. When I say “you” have to achieve, I mean that you get him to a point where he starts doing these subtle actions for you. Give yourself may be 8 months to a year or so to get him to do 2 or 3 of these subtle actions. Don’t get too ambitious. Take it slow.

Now you have to find ways to get him to the point where starts doing these subtle actions for you. I have a few ideas for that –

• 1. Try to find out what he was like before you got married to him. Was he always this quite and emotionally bereft? Get in touch with people/friends who have known him for a long time and try to get some information about what type of personality he had. From this information you can determine if the current behavior is his inherent nature or if he has become like that over the years.
• 2. If his current behavior is something that has happened over the years, find out when it started happening and what could be the various reasons. The girlfriend ditching may be one reason, but were there any other reasons? You will have to dig hard to find this out. Talking to people he has known, prodding him casually to speak a little bit about his good old times. May be even getting in touch with the school and college he went to, to find more information.
• 3. In his good days what did he enjoy doing?
• 4. What are the things that drive him in life? What are his passions? May be music, watching movies, sight seeing, anything else? He may not be open about showing them but you’ll have to dig in. Once you know what are the things that make him tick, try to make some of those things happen when he is around. Show your enthusiasm in doing those things and take the initiative in making them happen.
• 5. Are there any friends whose company he enjoys in particular? Invite them over, spend a good time with them, create some light and happy moments.

By doing all this what you are trying to do is to get him out of his shell and get him interested in things around him. He needs to purge his heart and mind of all the negative thoughts about what happened years ago and see life in a different light. He has so much good going for him and it is sad that he does not see much of it.

Diana, take this up as yet another challenge. You have being so courageous and positive amidst all this anguish. You have come a long way in making things so much better for you. So don’t give up now.

Fight like a person who is faced with a life and death situation and who chooses life over death. How would you fight in such a situation? Fight like that. Become a warrior. Fight with a killer instinct and believe in yourself that you will succeed. God surely helps those who help themselves. So don’t stop helping yourself.

Wish you all the very best!

SS

For SS Goddess..

He he he SS,

This is for you. I must confess I skipped thourgh some part of your detailed answer. But Whatever part I have read, I am amazed how much effort and personal care you have given to repsond. Hats off buddy.
I think you are very detailed and astute planner. Thats how you come up with such focussed pointer agenda. I like your approach..

Just wanted to acknowledge your great effort.
Ria

He he, thanks for the comments Ria. I had a good laugh reading your response!

I don't blame you for skipping through some (or most?) of my reply! I think Diana will probably be the only one who will go through it in as much detail as I wrote it!

I guess I just can't help being myself! As you now know, I can't help drilling down to the minutest level and think of ways to address the issue in its entirety so that the person does not keep revisiting the same set of issues time and again!

Anyway. This is probably the shortest reply you will see from me in this marital issues area of IL!

SS

Originally Posted by ria2006

For SS Goddess..

He he he SS,

This is for you. I must confess I skipped thourgh some part of your detailed answer. But Whatever part I have read, I am amazed how much effort and personal care you have given to repsond. Hats off buddy.
I think you are very detailed and astute planner. Thats how you come up with such focussed pointer agenda. I like your approach..

Just wanted to acknowledge your great effort.
Ria

Thanks SS that was wonderful . But to tell you something, I have done all that you have mentioned earlier in the beginning, like finding about his past and the reason behind his quiet ways. And that is how I came to know about his ex.

Let me brief you about my hubby, maybe you will be able to help me more better. My hubby was a sportsman, a football player, he used to play for his college also. He was also a regular gym freak. But when his g/f ditched he left everything, playing and even took up to drinking, which was later stopped when he got opportunity to work in Saudi. After that we were married. Now my hubby has given up everything what he was first happy doing. Last b’day even when I gifted him an enrolment in the gym he refused going.

I remember one incident that was about a few weeks after our marriage. One of his friends invited us as a couple over to their place for diner. After sometime, his friend said (after looking at both us sitting quietly) that “You’ll don’t seem to look like a newly wedded couple. Have both of you fought and are on no-talking terms.” I told them it was not so and that everything is fine. Through this incident I came to know that he wasn’t like this earlier. Later, I started finding out about his background and came to know of his ex. But that was the last time we went as a couple anywhere else, he refused to go anywhere after that.

As we are in Kuwait now, it’s not possible to get back with his friends, or to invite them over. I have made new friends here, but not he, and when they come over, he greets and then goes inside and doesn’t come out till they leave. All this is just become a part of him.

Let me also tell you that now after 8 years of marriage I don’t expect him to take me on a date or so. But we could go out sometimes as a family, either for a get-together or just on a picnic. But that’s not so. I try talking to him but he says that I should not expect him to change and accept him as he is. He says he will change only if he feels like.

Since I read the book ‘the surrendered wife’ and put it into use, I have got him help me with house work and looking after kids, which was not so before. Like I have asked him to handle the financial side, I also give him my entire salary and asking him directly what I want him to bring/do as his part of the duty and things have improved in that end. But emotional wise nothing. I long to have a loving chat with him and spend quality time alone with him (send kids to my sis place) but that doesn’t happen. I just hope someday he will change.

Any further advise…???

Diana