A new problem in my married life

Hello all,

I am a new IL I was wondering whom to share my problems with but lucky I got this forum. Sorry for the big post but request u all to read….Plssssssssssssssssssssss and give me suggestions.

Mine is a love marriage…we were in love for almost 5 yrs and got married in 2005 now it is 2 yrs. As usual they didn’t accept (even though they knew about r relationship) and my parents accepted and we got married. he told his parents only the previous day of our marriage. We got married by his customs and took a house and were very happy. It was like my dream cum true. Only one week he didn’t speak to his parents after that he spoke with his parents and his dad used to call him and say that he is not keeping well and want to see him immediately. So in a week at least 3days he will go and stay with them (night stay).He convinced me saying that his dad is not well and he has to be their so I kept quite …but even then he was very affectionate and loved me a lot and used to keep me happy.

The next month itself his mom asked him to bring me home …and I never believed it I was so happy and thought that I will be happy with my hubby. Since it was love marriage I was very happy they accepted and went their but the second day itself it was a big hit…I was at their house they said his dad was not keeping well and asked him to sleep with his dad and I was left alone in our room. I was very upset cried a lot and was very frightened because it was a big house all new to me and I have never been alone at my house. He was also unable to say anything. I didn’t know what to do and kept quite thinking they would say something and used to cry to my hubby saying I am getting afraid, he used to convince me ….things continued the same way.

So after a month his dad was ok so he didn’t have to stay in his room so we were intimate and very happy . I was also working that time .Then also I used to cook in the morning their house is far from city so had to leave with my hubby at 7.30 from home. Used to cum back late from office and again give my In-laws food and all. So in-between all these work the only happiness I had was my hubby. We loved each other a lot and we were so close…but this was only for 5 months.

Things had changed my MIL was always finding some fault and we were never allowed to go out any where .We used to go only to office and come back together but my In-laws never liked us being together. I used to cry and cry because I can’t tell anyone about this even to my mom because she will get upset.





After that we stopped having intimacy and I used to get so frustrated and cry to him asking what happened and why he was not Cumming near me. He said nothing and if I tell him and ask him only then we will have that also was once or twice in a month. He was never like this before marriage he had so many dreams and after marriage also till five months he was interested. I didn’t know what happened to him. This thing continued we will have intimacy only if I ask him, other wise he never used to bother about it. Then we planed to come out of the hose and stay separately. I was very happy and thanked god and thought everything will change but after we came to the new house also he is the same. Every day I cry and feel very depressed now everyone is asking me 2yrs have gone and no baby still as though it is my mistake. I don’t have any friend to discuss about these matters.

If I ask him he says he feels like having intimacy and the moment he sits in our bed he goes to sleep. I don’t know what to do every day I cry and cry and sleep very late and very depressed. I feel very low all the time and always wonder y he has become like this. I have asked him several times why he is like this he always says nothing and I feel very cheap to go and ask him every time for this (hope u all understand).

Now also when I spoke to him before a week about the same he said when ever I feel like coming near you to have intimacy I feel some thing is stopping. I was shocked. ..he said that he get’s some internal vibration saying to avoid this and he never feels like having. I asked him why he didn’t tell me all these days …he said that his mind was so blank that never thought of saying this to me. That is he wants to tell me all these things but something is making him blank and not allowing him to say.

I am very devoted to god…I do pooja every day I pray god and he is also very devoted .he had recently gone to Ahobalam and all. So what should we do? I thought of consulting a doctor but frightened and didn’t know whom to contact. He says that he has no time (he is a manager and busy all the time) to check for a doctor and discuss these things. If I say anything more he says god will see don’t worry and he knows every thing.

What should I do to regain my life? Please advice me. I am so depressed and feel very irritated always wondering y he has changed like this. I do everything for him I am very loving and caring to him. That he also knows and feels bad about the situation.

Hi Diana,

I can understand ur situation..

well at this point I would like to discuss about my husband also. I am married for 4 years and have two kids. Our marriage was love marriage and inlaws were against it.

Lots of issues happened during our marriage.. Inlaws insulted my parents and things like that..

But my husband never criticised his parents. Though he never appreciates them also for anything. He is actually neutral. I talk to him abt anything he won't either answer or will keep watching the TV etc. I know he cares for me and loves kids also.. Our Sex life is also not very good.. I feel same as you feel Diana.. When I need a hug or a shoulder to cry upon.. he is never there...

We go for picnics and outings as a family.. but no valuable time for me alone..

He doesn't take any intiatives apart from his job.. be in anything.

Apart from all these things I am having lots of problems continuing my job with the kids. no support at home. Sometime I feel really bad becos I see that all my friends are having their inlaws to take care of their kids and I don't have anybody..

I am too much frusturated.

Dear Born2Win,

I saw ur post.. I am in similar situation too.. My husband also feel the desire rarely.
I can understand ur situation totally.

Probly we can meet and discuss things.. I am happy to see u and Diana in the forum with similar issues.

Till now I didn't find anybody with whom I can discuss my issues.

Thanks

Ikmk2002,

I would request to refrain from posting email addresses in replies. If Diana or anybody needs to have your email. They will ping you.

Thanks,
Ria

Diana,

So glad to see a positive tone to your reply! Great going. You will get through this wonderfully. Wish you the best.

Born2win and Preeti,

Please go through some of the threads in this forum. You will find pearls of wisdom from my fellow ILites that will help your situation tremendously.

Here are some suggestions for your particular situation.

Have an open talk with your husband and find out if there is a reason for this distance he is maintaining. If he does not have a good reason, tell him that you would like for him to see a doctor. Give him a month’s time to show improvement, otherwise see a doctor. It could be a medical issue. If he does not take the initiative in looking for a Dr. you do it.

Other than that, Sunkan ma’m has given excellent suggestions in a reply to your post in another thread - stop crying and spend quality time with your spouse. I know it is very difficult. But crying will make things worse. It is seen as a sign of weakness and extreme dependency if you cry frequently.

Start utilizing your energy and mind in positive thoughts and in finding different ways to resolve the issue. Do things that make you feel good and exude a positive attitude. Find time to relax and do fun things with your husband – taking a walk, watching a movie, listening to music, anything that you both like. Create happy memories that will make both of you look forward to spending time with each other. In any given situation, someone has to take the initiative to drive things in the desired direction. You be the one to take the initiative in this case.

Preeti, for you I would like to add that don’t feel bad at all that your in-laws cannot or do not help. If you can afford some paid help with household chores or hiring a nanny, please do it. Please don’t aggravate yourself with something that can be taken care of by paid help.

Your time, energy and sanity are very precious. Preserve these and use them very judiciously on things that really make a difference in the quality of your life and your relationships.

Cheer up and good luck.
SS

HI,

Thanks for the reply...

We had been to many doctors.. But all time it is initiated by me.. I will ask him to see the doctor so many times and then finally we will go there... then I have to ask him everday to take the medicine.. which makes me even more frusturated ..

According to doctors there is no medical problem but low interest in life.. he just want to sit at one place and watch the tv read the news paper.. He will be with kids but won't play with them.. He doesn't think much.. rather he will accept things like that.. won't make a try to change.. or improve..

Regarding my inlaws.. problem I have is that my husband shud talk to them and ask tem the problem.. I want respect for myself.. thats it...

I understand your frustration Preeti. But really what is your recourse here? Do you want to leave things in your husband’s hands and get upset that he does not pay attention to it or would you rather veer things in the direction you want by taking charge?

As for expecting your husband to demand respect for you from his parents, I think you will be sorely disappointed if you rely on others to make things happen for you. I know this sounds harsh. But it is true.

Really, look around you for positive examples, people who have a good life according to you. Then try to peep into their lives and see what is it they do that makes their life good. I can bet you that the main ingredient you will find in them is the ability to take responsibility for what happens to them in life. They take charge of their life and make things happen for themselves.

One cannot demand love, respect and praise. One can only command it by their thinking, behavior and their attitude. If you want respect from your in-laws, go ahead and seek it for yourself. Seeking respect does not necessarily mean you go and ask them to respect you. Most of the times it means that you change your thinking and behavior in such a way that the other person is left with no choice but to acknowledge you and your efforts.

This is the only guaranteed way to achieve anything worthwhile in life. The other important thing this does for you is that it does not leave you with life-long grudges and bitterness against people.

Please read some of the posts by my experienced friends in this forum. You will get great insights on how to change your situation positively.

Good luck.
SS

Preeti and Born2Win

Your problem is indeed troubling. But I just feel that I am hearing the part issue. Suddenly a loving guy doesnot turn into a disinterested and apathetic person. There has to be long persistent story for it. People who normally take extra pain to get married to spouse of their own choice, are the ones who love life more than average arranged marriage candidate. Plain proof of that is they go through so much to have conviction in their lover turn into a real relationship.

Somehow I find that you both failed to turn that effort in your favor. The fact that you knew your guy for couple of year should actually help you establish your new relationship faster.
And Preeti , I have serious problem with this statement of yours

"Regarding my inlaws.. problem I have is that my husband shud talk to them and ask tem the problem.. I want respect for myself.. thats it... "

Why do you think anyone should respect anyone just because their kid has picked her and married her. I personally dont think I can be forced to respect somebody just because my kid chose them. In-law's relation is very delicate one to begin with. It requires lot of effort from a girl to build the initial trust and respect. And if you ask, why a girl needs to do it , why not them.. My answer would be, its girl's duty to make sure that she has right legacy to leave to her own kids. I would do anything to give kids a good and rooted childhood. What better way than to have them see their grand parents praise their mom. There can never be better reaffirmation for kids than this.
Instead of you being thankful that atleast they allowed the marriage to go through, you seem deadlocked to ask for respect explicitly.
With this I am not saying that In-laws has governement permit to insult your parents. No they don't. If they have insulted your parents , mark it in your mind. When your tems with them improves, mention it clearly. But its you who needs to let the relation blossom.

For lack of intimacy in your relation, I have only one advice. Unlike women, men are more logical people. So unless there is medical problem, please look through the past years closely. You will find some prolonged issue brewing up.

One fine day no person looses interest in life. It has to be two way process. So have deep retrospection in your life together. And take it from there.

Ria

hi diana,
one thing i have come to realise is that for most people the romance goes missing after marriage. the kind of love and romance we dream of we will never get it. it is better if we try and be content with what we have. men are less expressive than women and some men are absolutely passive.i guess we women long for the tangible love which holds no importance for men. coming to your problem, let your office colleague remain your friend, but do not encourage him too much as you may ruin all that you have struggled to get for the past 8 years. at least now your husband is taking an effort to help you a bit. with time and with your faith things will improve. but dear dont get depressed if your husband is not vocal of his feelings. i know it hurts but by being depressed it will just harm your kids more than anything else. kids should grow up seeing happy parents, its most imp for their development. have a great dayand enjoy your life.

I dont understand Born2Win's problem

If you initiate the act and ur husband responds to it, where is the problem. Atleast he responds, I know Diane's problem is more severe.....

But I really cant understand Born2Win's real issue, is there something I am missing

I am sorry if this has already being discussed...Later