Need a happy Future!!

hi deepa,

i think before taking decision for divorce you can try counselling as a last step considering your son.

god bless you
manju

Hi Ilites,
thank u all for giving me ur support and advice!
Shobana,
Counselling is something i want to go ahead with..but dunno if he will agree.I initially took this matter up with his Aunt and uncle whom he respects more than his parents! they both are doctors and they too suggested counselling but then he never agreed for that and we got convinced through his uncle's advice.But again he started the same habit of suspicion.He hasnt called me yday and today! I have decided not to call him cause I wnt him to realise that i am hurt...very hurt and in no way going to encourage this again in my life especially with a kid who is growing!!

ria,
I do understand that ur confused and thats what made u shoot those questions!
I will definitely answer all...
I am not drop dead gorgeous but definitley a good looking girl!
He is also good looking and i have never compared him to that guy.That episode was something that hurt me...but i am not carrying it with me.And my hubby till date has not mentioned abt that too!!
I was born and brought up in a metro and my college days did include a lot of friends..but very few guys!!But my parents knew each and every friend of mine.After marirage my hubby did not encourage continuing that.So i cut them all out!
I dont know why he is like this!At other times he definitley makes me feel that no one else wld have been a good hubby like how he is!
For eg...after my ceaserian...for the first 1 week..it was very difficult for me to even walk and he took care of me!!
And then..i had to undergo a surgery for some health issue and i had to be admitted in the hospital for 2 days.Since my mom had to take care of my kid,my hubby stayed wiht me and took care of me,that i never felt that i missed my mom.!
At the same time...sometimes his suspicions overrides all the good things he does!!
And coming to his professional life.He is in a senior managerial level in a very reputed company and he is so much admired among his colleagues!
He is very talented technically !!!And carries a good name in his company.

I have never said anyhting which wld have made him so suspicious!
Infact i was so much under depression and stress that i tried to even kill myself.Now when i think i feel how stupid i am!!

Among my friends and colleaues...if any problem crops up i always try to understand others situation and talk the matter out and solve it! But when it comes to my hubby...i try to talk but he is not ready to listen.
I always believe that in marriage if ther is any fight...we shld overcome the anger and try to sit and talk.But he is never ready.

Last resort i think i have to try counselling.But dunno if he will be ready!!
On one side he is good and when he is bad he is so bad that i tend to hate him to the core!

hmmm i see.
I totally understand your agony. Anybody in your position will get tired of bearing all this. I see that you have tried your best to have conversation with him. But he is not responsive.
Counselling may work , but first he needs to agree to it. However meanwhile you can start going just alone. Counsellor will atleast give you a vent to talk out your things. With due course , you husband may join too.
Best wishes
ria

Hi,

I read your post and the replies. Firstly, please accept my congratulations for putting up with him for so long. And let me applaud you for getting pregnant even after knowing that he mentally harasses you. A qualified girl from the metro should have analyzed the events and let him be the father. I am not hurting your feelings but trying to get in to the crux of your problem. You have taken a very good decision of taking up a job and being independent. I suggest you should not bring your in-laws in the picture. Its your problem and you should know how to solve it. Your husband has got the confidence that you will not take any major step of separation and has taken your for granted. A relationship where anybody takes you for granted is not worth. We should love and respect each others feelings. A person who does not respect you is not worth your attention forget love. Just because he calls at wee hours and apologizes for his gory acts, is not enough to prove he loves you. Dear friend, your husband must be having an affair and the girl on the other end must be taxing him for marriage which is natural. The fear of the society is making him come back to you with apology, the lover in him tries to accuse you and drive you out of the house. (One possibility). The second possibility is your husband is not mentally stable. Its dangerous to live with a man who has such split personality in him. In spit of anger, if he kills you and cries by your corpse saying "Sorry". Its no fun, you have to be very careful. My friendly advice is pull up your socks and start thinking loud...

Hi Deepa,

Sad to read about your situation... I totally understand ur agony and the stress you have now... As others suggested, if ur husband agrees to the counseling it may help you solve you problem...

It is very difficult to live with a suspicious husband... You have had enough bad experiences from him... from ur posts, i think he loves u a lot and is also very possessive...He does not want to loose you also...that is why he always calls up and apologizes after a fight...

But as u said, he cannot take you for granted and continue doing this to you... You will have to take the right decision now... You are not alone, you have ur parents for ur support and you have a son to take care off... It is fortunate that u have a job to support you now...

Try talking to your husband again for your child's sake... Try to make a compromise, before u go for any extreme steps..

All the Best...

Originally Posted by Deepa82

Hi all,
I am a new member here and I exclusively registered here to get help and guidance from all the good ladies out there!!!
Will detail my problems.Pls do help me with ur valuable suggestions and advice.
I am married for 4 yrs and have a 2 yr old son.
Before my marriage i had an affair which lasted not even for 4 months.the person was someone whom i knew since i was a kid.He was my brothers friend and my family knew him very well from his school days.But he expressed his love for me during my college days and since i knew him very well ,i did reciprocate.But fate had somethin else in store for us.His dad went ill and he had other commitments for which he had to give priority and so we gracefully parted.My parents also know abt this.
My hubby before marriage was another well wisher of mine and he knew all abt the affair and after college his parents came home with the proposal for marriage.I was not in a mental state to decide whether i shld get married or not.I just did not have any expectations.Since i cldnt marry the person i loved i was not interested in getting married.But my hubby convinced that all wil work out well and since he knew everything I decided so let it be him.
After marriage ,say in 2 months time,trouble started cropping in.I was not workign at that time and was a full time housewife.My hubby used to come back from office and used to check all the rooms and always carries a suspicious look.We used to live in a flat and ther used to be bachelors there.He always had suspicion that i talk to them or i look at them.Whereas i dont know who lives next door also.I was hurt at his attitude...i was veryhurt.He always suspected me.To the extent that one friday evening he came home and went to the bedroom straight and took the pillow and kept searching for something.i asked him waht and he took a hair strand from there and asked me "who's is this?" .I opened my mouth in disbelief and shock.I cldnt comprehend what he was trying to prove.Then he said that he had cleaned the bed before he went and so if this hair strand has come now then it means someone visited me...!! Can u believ this!!? My parents had brought me up with so much love and so much values instilled that anyone in my neighbourhood will give me and my brother as an example for good kids.
And my hubby's attitude was so much of a shock to me! I cried so much that day..and he kept questioning and i lost my temper.No wife will accept such a question from her husband.Then by night he came and apologised.Like this ther came many fights between us and my married life became hell.I used to make calls home frantically and he used to pulll the phone and tell my parents to file a divorce.His parents never knew anythin abt this.My dad became heart broken seeing my life like this and my bther kept tellign me to leave him and coem.But when my hubby apologises i tend to forgive him but the wound is still there.
We have had fights and it went to physical abuse.He hit me and i hit back ....once i lost my control and took a knife and said next time he accuses me of infidelity then i will stab him...!! I just cldnt control ....!!My life went like hell...!!! But each time he says like this...he later comes and apologises.he used to doubt with everyone arnd my neighbourhood...not sparing th 60 yrd old houseowner!!!

Then i got an offer from an IT company and i joind that and my posting was somewhere else and so had to stay in a hostel.He used to call me and keep asking "with whom are u going arnd" and he never gave me peace of mind.I just pushed aside all that and concentrated on work.I wanted to live for my parents and do lots for them.After sometime i got posted to the place where we live and then i got pregnant.So things stopped for a while.But when i was 3'rd month carrying..and i was dehydrated due to vomiting and was lying down at night 11.00.suddenly my hubby woke me up and showed a paper and asked me what is this? I asked "what"and then looked at the paper.The paper was some recipet for a toll gate payment and the place mentioned was something which i have never heard of.He said he got it near the window.I said i dont know and told him to allow me to sleep...i was dead tired.He kept quesitoning me...There were lots of chances for the paper to have come in from the flats above our floor.But he ws not ready to believe tht.And after some time he left the topic and i slept crying!!!
Then after the delivery there werent much fights and now ...i am stayin at my mothers place.He is in another city.I visited him a month back and was there for a week and then i came home and now working.He called up one day and said that the week i visited him he had counted the number of condoms and now itseems one is missing.I got was totally shocked.I was like...what are u tryin to tell me?I told him.."u stay there alon and i shld suspect u and instead u are suspecting me."He wanted an answer...and cut the phone.And after 2 days he agan called and everyhitng was normal.Now yday night he called me at 12.00...i was sleepign with my son..and first he said whether there is any christams carol there and his tone was normal.I said...Pls...lets talk morrow...our son is sleeping and me too not well bcuase of cough and cold.He said ok and cut the call and again after 5 mts he called and asked "How are u able to cheat me...like this" I was confused...i asked what happend?He said..."i am maintaning an excel sheet and in that i have written the days we have had sex when u visited me and in that it does not tally with the no: of condoms" I was taken aback and i screamed at him and cut the call..!!!
And I just dont know waht to do...!!
My love for him has drained out and there is nothign between us except for the kid!!My kid loves him and he too is lovable towards him and also to me and sometimes his personality changes and he accuses me off all possible things!!!
So many times i have gone on the verge too divorce...but thinking abt my parents and what the society will tell them and me...i used to stop...but now..i dont want him to take me for grantd...!!
I want him tob sorry for what he has been doing to me...!!!
Pls..help me take a decision....!!!

Dear deepa
it is better to behappily separated then unhappily married.You can never ever think
these people will change unless and untill they are prepared to undergo treatment and
counselling.Try being practical.the more time you take to comeout more battered
you willbe.
subbi

HI

I felt really sorry for u and angered at ur hubby after seeing ur post. Bill Gates would commit suicide if he comes to know that his tool is being used by ur hubby for keeping count of his sex life.

U have mentioned that ur hubby has many good qualities but all these qualities are like fruits fallen in gutter. U wont eat them will u.I am sorry for the strong language, but I just cant digest ur hubby having such a thought.

U have asked for a happy future, will ur hubby change overnight and provide it to u.

I know it is a very difficult decision (one of continuing or ending a marriage) especially with a kid and how hard it is for u. But u r suffering emotionally. Think from the view point of ur kid. Tomorrow if ur husband is going to accuse u of adultry and if ur kid is going to hear it, will he be able to digest it. His childhood will be traumatic bcoz his parents are fighting constantly.

Consider them very carefully before making ur decision. Or else if u r going to give him another chance give him an ultimatum that u will continue to live with him only if he stops harrasing u like this and if he agrees for counselling.

Hope ur future turns out to be a happy one.

regards
rakshantha

Hi,
Counsellign is something that i want to try but he called yday and i mentioned to him and he said..lets not go ahead with this conversation if u want to go for counseliing!!

My bther and my sis in law are abroad and i am very close to both of them..!!
Its just 8 mths since they were married! And my sis in law is more of a good friend and sister. We both are of the same age and she is very understanding!
So when i feel down i mail her and she mails back wiiht lots of positive thoughts!! her mail always rejuvenates me!!

And when i feel hurt by hubby's activities i generally mail or talk to my bther..!!
I maintained a seperate email id which my hubby did not know.He knows the pwd of all other email id!!

So thro this id i used to mail my bther and sis and i have never complained abt him to my sis in law cause she has great regards for him and i dint want to break it.My bther also has never told her anythihn abt his attitude.
But my hubby somehow cracked down on that id and checked the mails and he mailed my sis in law and toldher to keep out of our life. He did this yday.Today my bther called and asked me if there is any pblm between us and i mentioned the whole episode.
my sis was very upset and shocked.
Thats when we had to tell her abt the numerous pblms between me and my hubby.But still i didnt have the guts to tell the root problems...cause i dont want her to look at him that way!
She understood me and said that counselling is the best option and asked me to b strong on tht point!

Yday after my hubby spoke he did not say sorry for what he did rather he tried to project the mails i sent to my sis and bther as a bad act!
He said how can i degrade him like that!
I said i wrote the truth...but still i did not mention anything abt his activity and i wrote only when i am upset and my sis reply also does not carry anything bad abt him instead she says thqt all marriages have pblms and we too will overcome this!

Now..my hubby has said tht he will not behave like this again and told me that even i shld not mail anyone like this. He said if u involve others in our life then our life gets spoilt!
Thats true but when iam hurt i need to talk to someone...!He is never ready to listne to me.So i tend to talk to my bther who is the best bther i can ask for!!he is so understanding and caring.

Obviously i will turn to ppl who love me if my hubby hurts me!Is this wrong?

Now i am forgivign for waht he has done.But this is the last time!
I have told him strictly that next time such pblm comes then the option is divorce!
I told him it is better to die or live seperalty instead of making life hell.He is not completley bad.He has good qualities and this suspicious attitude is the worst.I have to change that.Just one last try!
Well..the love i have for him keeps surfacing up!But i guess this last time i can fogive him.And if again something happens then mayb i cna take a final decision.

I am considering counselling seriously and wil do that in some time!

Mals,
I understand the anger in u when u see such atrocities from men.
But even if the whole world comes and tells me that my hubby has an affair i will not believe it
He is a little upset mentally.Need some serious counsellign for that.And i will go for that!Thanks for u reply Mals.

I guess i have taken the right decision.Thansk so much Ilites for listenign to me!

Luv..
Deepa

Hi Deepa,

I just read your post today and all the advises given to you. And I too think that councelling is a better option. But besides that i would also advise you to do the following:

1. Start living with your husband under one roof. Staying apart also creeps in lot of doubts.
2. Show your love towards him, by sending him lovely emails, greetings on net, n calling in between office hours.
3. When he is home from work, leave everything and talk to him for few hours about his work/day.
4. Tell him about the activities of your child, keep him involved.
5. Prepare a cosy diner for two at home, or book a diner in a hotel for you two.
6. Give him special attention.

It is always noticed that wives does lot of the above things and husband still doesnt show affection, though they do love them. they feel that they need not do all things to prove their love for their wives. While in some case husbands wish for all the above but wife are too busy with their jobs/kids and house work n are ignorant of their husbands feelings (mostly after the kid is born), which could be your case too.

So try working out the above and you will surely see a drastic change in him. Men are more like kids they need to be shown alot of affection to prove our love towards them, so as not to bring in the problem of doubts in our life. Think about it.

Also do go in for councelling. And do let us know how things are improving in your life.

All the best

Diana

Cracking down emails.. Keeping excel about condoms...
Excuse me..Wake up and open your eyes. This man is mentally ill.
Stop giving yourself excuses for forgiving him. Have you ever acted stern with him?
I feel he just can go on and on and say anythign to you.
You should tell him strongly how dare he crack your email password. He doesnot have anything else to do. There is no need for him to know other passwords too.. Has he shared his?
Your husband reminds of a movie "Daraar".It s about a suspecting husband who makes his wife's life hell. Please watch this movie.. You will know what I am talking. Overtly suspective syndrom is mental disease. No amount of love can help it.. Only medication and psychaitrist treatment can heal it..
So please dont kid yourself and your husband. You need to be stern here.
Tell him, you will not come back until he seeks medical help. These are not normal symptoms.

Please help yourself and value yourself.

ria