difference in opinions

hi everyone,

i am married for 5 yrs with a 4 yr old daughter.ours is an arranged marriage .my husband and myself are opposites in most of the things this is an example.i like to eat in restaurant he likes takeouts , then eat at home , .and the list goes on

yesterday we had big fight as weekend he will sit at home and watch 2,3 movies .Me and my daughter(she goes 2 days to preschool) are alone at home during working days .my husband works 12 hrs per day ,so weekends we like to spend time as a family playing with our daughter or going out ,but he won't listen .i know he needs relaxation but this is too much.i don't know driving so i can't go out alone and now winter we can't go to parks
how can i approach this ?is things same or different at your home ?how can we do things together eventhough we have different opinions

thanks
mini

HI Mini,
This is the problem in most of the houses. I think one of you should give up instead of fighting. Once you start giving up then the other person will definitely feel bad and start doing things in the expected way.
Hope you sort out the matter in a nice way as these petty matters will lead to big fights. So please don't fight. I am married for only 1 3/4 years. From the day one whatever i tell my husband he used to say only no. I used to loose my temper and fight with him like anything. Coincidentally both of us had decided within ourselves that we give up for each other. Within few months we started understanding each other's position and thereby even if i scream at him , he will not lose his cool and seeing his behaviour, i totally do what he wanted. I don't like movies and he would take me only to movies just because his sister had told after marriage he should take his wife to a movie. I used to accompany him without 100% involvement.
So don't lose your cool and patience wins.
I hope i have not bored you.

Originally Posted by minip

hi everyone,

i am married for 5 yrs with a 4 yr old daughter.ours is an arranged marriage .my husband and myself are opposites in most of the things this is an example.i like to eat in restaurant he likes takeouts , then eat at home , .and the list goes on

yesterday we had big fight as weekend he will sit at home and watch 2,3 movies .Me and my daughter(she goes 2 days to preschool) are alone at home during working days .my husband works 12 hrs per day ,so weekends we like to spend time as a family playing with our daughter or going out ,but he won't listen .i know he needs relaxation but this is too much.i don't know driving so i can't go out alone and now winter we can't go to parks
how can i approach this ?is things same or different at your home ?how can we do things together eventhough we have different opinions

thanks
mini

Hi Mini,

I couldn't help laughing when i read your post...sorry about this. (maybe the experience over the years can make me laugh at such situations) I think most of us face this problem.

When i got married, i too had this same problem and sometimes if my husband agrees to go out, my MIL wil start even i am feeling bored, if you both go papa will be doing his work i will become alone etc. etc and she will also tag along.

But over the years i have realised that we can do more different things at home rather than going out. so now we go out once a month and otherwise we are at home...we do the groceries on the weekend so a couple of hours goes in that. During the weekends we take things easy if we are not entertaining anyone or if there are no overnight guests.

I feel if we are at home we tend to spend more quality time with each other rather than when we go out.

Strike a deal with your husband...winters we spend at home and in summers go out where the daughter will enjoy...like parks, museum etc.

About take aways...come to a compromise you are getting outside food, so you don't have to cook and also while eating at home you can do that at leisure.

Just my idea...i am sure your views differ from mine.

Warm regards
Roopa.

dear friend,
i, too ,am in same situation.i have 3 yr old son & am homemaker.on weekends my hubby would spend lazying at home rather than go out.otherwise also on week days he would spend time infront of TV then play with our son.we also used to fight lot on this issue.
well,i have now stuck a deal with him.every alternate sundays he has to take us out .the other sundays i do not disturb him,even if he sleeps all day i let him.this has greatly reduced our fight.
love
pragati

hi,
thank you for all the replies. I know that i should take this with ease but sometimes i can't help it .As we are new to this place my kid have no friends to play

i just felt sad and asked for all your valuable opinions

thanks a lot

mini

Originally Posted by minip

hi everyone,

i am married for 5 yrs with a 4 yr old daughter.ours is an arranged marriage .my husband and myself are opposites in most of the things this is an example.i like to eat in restaurant he likes takeouts , then eat at home , .and the list goes on

yesterday we had big fight as weekend he will sit at home and watch 2,3 movies .Me and my daughter(she goes 2 days to preschool) are alone at home during working days .my husband works 12 hrs per day ,so weekends we like to spend time as a family playing with our daughter or going out ,but he won't listen .i know he needs relaxation but this is too much.i don't know driving so i can't go out alone and now winter we can't go to parks
how can i approach this ?is things same or different at your home ?how can we do things together eventhough we have different opinions

thanks
mini

mini,


I write this reply post as a request from another IL.

I would not want to advice...but from a person who has crossed this..will help you analyze it...and come to a solution yourself...

If both you and your husband were the same, and there were no differences, life becomes stale....these differences in characters,idea and tastes also adds to the charm..whether we compromise or adjust is our take on that point.

If you ask you are working 12 hours a day, your husband is going to reply, I am working for US. believe me 12 hours is easier to tackle than a husband who just comes to take bath, and have breakfast for weeks..that was how my husband was working initially. Had to understand the necessity of how that curve in his career graph worked...I have a friend who grumbles that her husband is not having time for the family and every month she has a big wish list and her budget has to be met by her husband come what may...
We cannot have a cake and eat one...it takes lot of practice, adjustments to come to that stage..

your husband, may not be knowing how to involve you people into activities. and also thinks relaxing in front of the tv is relaxation..subconciously he could be emoting his parents also..in most cases it is the truth...

Sometimes, it is better to discuss things..between each other..not like having arguments....you could just tell him...today DD did this, how I wish you were there to share it...or you could see it..(I always tell it to my DH..everything that the kids do..not as a complaint..as a bridge to fill up the gap were he misses the growing up..) slowly, it will have its impact....

You like to eat out, your DH likes to take out...the midway is use your DD, tell DH that we will go in for a small picnic..as she is cooped at home...and have your picnic outside..even if it inside the car...with napkins...sitting in the parking lot of a park(being winter)..it does make a small change..

Ok,he wants to watch TV, find out programmes which you both can discuss, or movies which you can discuss, or cartoons which you all can watch...not everyday...weekends, you can make a point of keeping it for your family...tell him that we can watch something together...

Other times, take up other hobbies, like reading, and other crafts, and also enjoy the company of your daughter...go for small walks...the moment you know to keep yourself occupied, you are not lonely...


It takes a lot working towards this.....lot of trials and errors, and more ...Just try...it works...I have followed it....

take care.....

Hi Mini,

Others have given some very good solutions to your problems...I'd like to just add to it.

Learn driving. Now. You said that you spend all 5 days cooped up in your house. Anybody will be driven up the wall by that and it is perfectly understandable. But since your husband is working 12 hr days during the same 5 days, he might also be too tired to go out anywhere on the weekend...and that also is understandable.

I don't know how long you have been in the US, but if you are intending to stay here for some time, invest in some driving lessons and learn to drive. You will become independent and mobile. Will be able to go to parks, libraries, malls etc and not have to keep waiting for your husband to take you everywhere. By learning this skill, you will be able to alleviate your boredom to a large extent.

Also, since you are living in Atlanta, do you have access to MARTA and its buses? When I was a student here for 2 years, that is how I traveled. No cars and no driving. Totally on our own. We students used to walk to the near by bus stop, get the bus to the nearest MARTA station and then go to Lennox or Perimeter Mall or downtown area (underground Atlanta) and spend some time there on the weekends.

Hope this helps!

love,
Aarushi