do i stay in this relationship??

Hi Mystic Diva,

Do answer your question "do i stay in this relationship"

1. No leave this relationship:

Option 1: Divorce husband: do you have money or a job that will help support you and your daughter for the next 30-50 years? Are you mentally strong enough to listen to negative behaviour and taunts of indian society, ur friends, relatives, parents of being a divorced woman? Ask these questions for yourself and then file for divorce. On the positive side, there might be possibility to meet a great man and have a new marriage but am not so optimistic (where will u find a romantic sensitive communicative man at a older age assuming 30's, the good ones i assume are taken and married, rest of the men left in society wiling to marry a divorcee with a child will be similiar disposition to ur existing hubby - sorry but harsh truth)
.
Option 2: leave husband but not file for divorce, stay legally married living in 2 separate places : advantage is you are away from negative behaviour/atmosphere of ur husband, but there will be no additional man/romantic person in ur life, you will be physically and romantically alone in life

2. Yes stay in the relationship:
Option 3: stay in the relationship and continue with no emotional physical connection with hubby, focus on daughter, focus on u getting a job, hobbies, friends etc.

Option 4: stay in marriage and take steps to improve marriage - go to marriage counsellor as a last resort, improve communication skills with hubby (my guess is hubby has completely shut down with u because he feels he has been "attacked" by u 2 many times on inlaws, money, sex etc. understand how to communicate with him).

Your life, your choice, your decision! all the best

 

I would say dont jump to divorce,find out more about your husband.
You know sometimes all these fights with in laws can make your husband do the things he is doing which is of course wrong but you need to talk to him about how you are feeling about the entire relationship.
You are married for a long time now,about the sex thing dont brood too much abt it.Me and my husband have sex once in a week or sometimes its once in two weeks,it happens sometimes and I dont get upset because otherwise our relationship is great.
First mend your relationship with your DH,have an open hearted conversation with him,tell him you want a happy marriage and things are not going fine.Ask him what he expects from you.
Do your in laws stay with you? Keep your fights with in laws separate from your husband.
If there is no in laws problem now,then try to forget the past and move on.
As far as the sharing part goes,all men are like that,they dont like to share their future plans,my husband says I dont even know whats going to happen tomo!My husband too doesnt share finance with me,I started ignoring the finance part for 3 yrs,I didnt ask how much money we have? I lived my life in peace,if I wanted something I will buy and if we shop together then if I like something I buy,sometimes I do groceries,sometimes he does,My kid is also 2 yrs so we dont have any school fee problem.So I just dont bother abt finance.After 3 yrs he comes to me and says I am tired of paying bills and managing all this finance,why dont you do it! I was very happy finally he is trusting me.But I rejected the offer saying you are the best to handle this,I am not interested in money,thanks! he was shocked and surprised,now I am happy that he knows I am not money minded.
The point of telling you this is that your husband will trust you,just stay away from finance thing for sometime.
As far as loving your parents goes,thats hard for him to do because of your fights with in laws.you love your parents,you care for them.At this stage dont expect too much from him if you want to stay in the marriage.Walking out is easy and always an option if you dont want to work things out.
All these suggestions are if you want to stay in this marriage and work things out,let go of some things like finance,sharing plans and feelings,loving your parents.
you have two problems,in laws and your husband doesnt show love or doesnt care abt you.Try to work on this by talking to him without fighting,lets see how things work out.All the best!

 

Hi mysticdiva...i was thinking about since yesterday when i saw ur post for my thread..i somehow feel we both are in same phase of emotional drain..& i think you are also a doc ..
Yesican has given very straight and clear answer...appreciate your clarity & boldness yesican..

I feel we should look at ourselves first before talking about everbody else...after my incident..i have been going thru various phases of emotions and analysing myself..
I still feel like the worst person coz i shouted back at mil..though mistake was on either side..i was feeling bad as I am not able to respect or forgive myself for that behaviour.i din't live upto my expectations in the aspects of behaviour & dignity..this thought is make me feel very sad..
During this phase i have realised many things,identified the flaws in me, identified the problems between me & dh..& trying to work on it..
I realised that if we are not happy with ourselves chances are we won't be happy with anybody..
So analyse yourself first..

Every person has some expectations from self and take pride in all the good qualities they possess..
People want approval,acknowledgement,compliments from others to validate themselves..

But ego,ignorance,authority,power,gender,money cloud the good qualities in us..sometimes evil part comes out during the period of vulerability..
During this process we feel guilty that we din't live upto our own expectations and lose our self respect.this gives an easy way to opposite person to disrespect you which makes you feel bad,worse and confuse you..you identify your own thoughts with the opposite person & start hating them & also urself unknowingly..


I suggest you analyse yourself first..makes required changes in yourself and your life..then think ahead what to do.for now ignore your dh's behaviour,ils tantrums etc..just conc on yourself..you will feel good..


As other posters suggested me..i would say the same.
Love yourself, keep growing,become independent & efficient...
Be smart with manipulative dhs like ours..
Ignore ils..( most imp part in relationship)..
Forget & learn to forgive..this part is v v v v v v difficult..
I am right know in the infant stage of learning this quality..
(Dh is trying to provoke me a lot..Though feeling a lot infuriated i am totaly ignoring..can't tell you how peaceful i am now..)
Develop inner strength..divert your attention to god..keep praying..

Just keep yourself busy...become independent( this advice is the easiest to give but most difficult part to achieve..especially in a country like usa )

Take care of yourself,dd,dh,home..be loving & caring..
Leave rest to god..

I have picked up all these suggestions from ' posts & replies to my thread..
They helped me a lot..when possible go thru my thread & read all the replies..you will get lot of valuable suggestions,tips..

Read sokanasanah's replies..especially one about negative thoughts & dis-identification.his response was v good n motivating...

Keep going buddy..this too shall pass..

 

Hi mysticdiva.
I suggest you resort to smarter ways of communicating with dh..i write emails to him when i am upset about anything..i used to write long long emails..
He got bored of them..so i am sending many short emails now..
I get replies for some..not for all though..
Someway or the other it has to reach him..inititally i used to check his emails to confirm whether he opened or not..i used to get disappointed when i notice he din't read them..
Now i am not checking..i don't want disappointment..

Offlate i am using the chatting or texting option..when i have to talk or discuss about something & I am liking it..
No verbal abusing, no emotional drama,crying,shouting,showing authority,raised voices etc..
U text what you want to tell.he can't stop you..it's his problem if he reads it or not..

 

Hello Mystic Diva

I am sorry that you are going through this issues with husband and inlaws. Here are my thoughts and suggestions from a male perspective

Some of the husband are like that. They are more attached to their parents ( especially mom). You know what they call them right " Momma's boy". There will always be problems in married life. Inlaws creating issues, sometimes your own parents creating issues. Husband and wife need to discuss and take care of those problems.

Your husband is taking the safe way out by keeping quiet and assuming that everything is fine. He is doing that I think because he does not want to hurt his parents and at the same time he does not want to hurt you and create problems. But I think he should talk to you and share his feelings about intimacy with you. He should share why he is not interested in you physically.

Some men and women lose interest in sex from an early age. There are lot of reasons for that namely work, stress, family life, weather, surroundings etc. Some are more into academics and not into sex. Some for whatever reason are not interested. Just no reason at all. Its like a mental block. Its difficult to pin point whats wrong with a person.o

I don't think you should file for divorce. I would suggest take some time out. Live separately for some time. Go live with your parents for some time. It will be good for your married life and sort things out. If everyone took divorce for such issues then we would surprass america's divorce rate which is more than 50% correct?

Try to find out ( I know you have done this already) what's wrong with him. Is he more attracted towards men? or does he have Pre-Mature Ejaculation problem. Its possible and he is embarassed because of that.

YesIcan suggested going to marriage counsellor. I agree with her. Try a sex specialist too if that helps.

 

Not sure if you are working or not. But i suggest that you take a break in the relationship. i.e probably you can move to your parents home on some pretext and stay there for 1/2 months.

Then he will surely come to know how much he miss you and your child. Dont jump to conclusions and hasty decisions. 8 yrs is a good time in marriage and he will surely miss you if you kinda give him silent or distance treatment