Feel Abused: Need help

Hi,

I feel sorry for you reading this post. Since your's is a love marriage, surely you saw something positive in him which made you go against your family to marry him. Although you say that it was a lot of pressure from his side, if he was abusive even prior to marriage I'm not sure why you married him despite opposition from your family. You could try counselling which may help your husband change his attitude. I don't know how your relationship is with your in laws - maybe talking to them may help. However don't let him erode your self esteem. You are his wife and the mother of his child and he should respect you for that. Just because you don't earn here doesn't mean you don't have any value.

Mythraeyi

 

Hello ,
I am bit confused on reading u r post.I have heard about forced arranged marriages..but not forced love marriage.I think there was a problem from the beginning of your relationship.Ok..past is past.. BE confident and dont feel low becoz of your hubby's comments on you.Every woman is is unique and to be respected..no one is useless..im showing my concern now..will suggest ideas after analyzing..

Bye,
Supriya

 

Nandini,There maybe many women who wish they didnt have to keep up with an abusive marriage as they had no idea before. Given a choice,they would have escaped if warned. One thing not clear from your post is if your husband was abusive before why didnt you back out. If you had a choice,i dont understand why you didnt get away before .It looks like your husband didnt expect you to go all the way and get married.
Coming to the present situation you are smart woman,why dont you take up a job. Its less money concern and more confidence.You just need to trust yourself a little. I know how it is when someone is constantly bringing you down. Please do not give them the pleasure. They more they see us bending backwards for their wishes,the more they make us repeat it. For once do not say sorry and listen to him. Marriage should always be 2 way. Its not always you listening ,it should be him listening too. 2 yrs back even my husband used to do the same and get away with it. But once i started telling no ,he realized and now he does something i say and i do something he says.It just takes an effort for the first time. Then u will get all confidence and go forward.
You are not a burden on him. Just think as you are the one who has made him a family man with a kid. How is his behaviour with the kid. Why dont u take your kid out to library malls and make friends with moms coming there.Do it for a week or 2 and then u will get a change and will be much more happier.I dont know if it would be out of line to say but do not look for your husband;s acceptance in everything,once he sees u are not giving him much importance he will realize his mistake. You need to make him realize that he is wrong. If he is abusive and u keep apologizing for his behaviour its like he is encouraged to abuse more. By neglecting to give him importance he will realize his mistakes.If he asks why you behaved in that manner tell him calmly u did not like his behaviour.
Please post your thoughts.
Regards

 

Hi Nandini,

I agree with chocolate. First step out of an abusive relationship is to learn to say 'No'. Firstly, believe in yourself and never come to the conclusion that you are useless. All lives are God's gift and should be viewed so,

No one has the right to verbally abuse you. I have learnt from experience that this only happens to people who do not say no. Either tell them to stop or walk out of the spot and stop listening to them. They will get the message.

I have the same confusion as others who read yoru posting. I do not understand 'forced into a love marriage against your parents wishes'. Whatever it is you have to start making up with your parents and family as you need some sort of a support system if your husband does not change or worse still gets worse. but before that, build up your position by first getting a job and working out a support system to reduce your dependence on your husband so that he understands that you have choices and are prepared to take them.

God bless you!

 

Dear Nandini,

You feel abused because you are being abused. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. The only difference is that it doesn't show on the outside, but the damage it does to a person's psyche and self esteem is equally horrific.

I would advise you to go for counseling ASAP. If he does not agree then go for it alone.

Try and find a job. I don't know about your visa status, but if you can work, then go all out to find something...however small. Your husband's insistence on you not working is again a by product of his trying to control you (if you work then you are financially independent...will gain more self confidence...might feel better about yourself..all of which scares your husband).

I read this recently in "Dear Abby" column and thought of posting it here as it is very relevant to your situation. Even one amongst the following means that you are in an abusive relationship.

"The following signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission form the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.:

(1) Pushes for quick involvement: Comes on strong, claiming "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) Controlling: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) Blames others for problems or mistakes: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) Makes others responsible for his or her feelings: The abuser says, "You make me angry." instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feeling when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.

(9) Cruelty to animals and children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "Playful" use of force during sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) Verbal abuse: Constantly critcizes or says blantantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) Rigid sex rules: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) Sudden mood swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) Past battering: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) Threats of violence: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it." If the abuse has gone this far -- it's time to get help or get out!"

Please help yourself and your baby. Apart from counseling and finding a job, change the way you react to issues with your husband. Stop apologizing so much for everything in your marriage. If he want to sulk after abusing you, then let him. Let him realize that you also have a backbone and that you will bend only so much.

You went against your whole family etc to marry this guy so you must be having a stubborn streak in you. Find that streak and this time use it for your own defense. Forget about being too submissive and behaving like a doormat. It has only gotten you being treated like dirt.

The next time your husband calls you names like "worthless, burden etc", walk out of the room. Tell him that unless he learns to control his tongue or his temper, you do not have to listen to his abuse.

However, be careful in this approach, because people who are verbally abusive can get physically violent also.

You DO NOT need to be abused in this life. You are not getting a salary for getting abused. You are not getting any punya by allowing yourself to be abused and letting your baby watch this abuse. So ask yourself why are you allowing this to happen to yourself.

You were working before so you were good enough to be hired by an organization. Remember those moments and tell yourself that you are good enough and worth something. Keep your parents/friends informed about what's going on in your life, because sooner or later you might need their support.

take care and keep us posted about yourself...

love,
Aarushi

 

Dear Nandini,

First things first....i think you need to sit back and do some introspection.

- Yours is a love marriage - forced one....Why
- You went against your parents wishes to get married...why
- you knew before marriage that he was abusive, still you took this step....why
- you are always saying sorry and asking pardon.....why
- he says you are dumb and useless....why
- he is abusive....why
- he wanted to marry you....why
- you were not very keen...why


These are some questions which you need to answer honestly...maybe you will find a way out from this exercise.

roopa.

 

Aarushi

I have no words to say except for a big thank you and a nice post ....really an eye opener..sometimes we blame ourselves for our husbands behaviour and feel why me??? and keep on taking the blame on ourselves...and we forget that both husband and wife are in this together...only one person cannot be blamed for whatever happens in a family or a marriage..