Do women voluntarily take on too much at home?

Hi Rihana,

cool it. This is after an ad and they want to sell their product. That is about it. Unfortunately none of these companies including multinational companies selling soaps think it their social responsibility to get rid of these cliche gender roles. Have you seen those women who slog washing clothes and come out with a broad smile, in crisp cotton sarees with not a crease on it or a hair out of place. Very often the women in these soap ads resemble the heroines of the 60s and 70s in the way they dress. Very unrealistic and irresponsible advertising.

I am sure no woman makes 5 dishes for breakfast every morning. As for the woman doing everything in the kitchen, I guess many do it because it gives them pleasure to cook for their family. If it is that way, I don't see any harm in it. It is when there are expectations that she and only she has to do the housework and no one will chip in or lift a little finger to help that there is a problem.

 

Hi Rihana,

I agree. These sorts of commercials only promote outdated gender roles. It would be great if they showed couples working together as a family... rather than the woman slogging away by herself. She and her husband aren't setting a good example for their children (in the commercial), and these sorts of media only reinforce such roles to anyone watching. The media has a large role in influencing people's ideology. So seeing both parents helping out in the kitchen and having the kids help out would be a good message to send across. But these advertisers are only thinking how to sell their product, and not caring for the social implications of the messages they send out. It's a very good observation, and I agree this is negative for society. One ad in itself may not cause that much harm... but as people see so many ads on tv, these in combination can have an influence on people's attitudes.

A husband who doesn't do any housework, but instead keeps seeing these sort of product ads that have the husband helping his wife in the kitchen might feel guilty if he keeps seeing so many of these type of ads... and he might get off the sofa, turn off the tv, and go in the kitchen and help his wife. These advertisers don't really realize their powerful role in shaping societal attitudes... but I wish they would be more responsible. Great topic here.

 

I used to try to be this super-woman on the 1st couple of years after marriage.
Result - I toil and moil all day in kitchen, MIL, FIL and DH watch TV or chill out in the living room doing no useful work. When everything is ready and dinner table is set, everyone comes and each person acts as the judge whose responsibility is to find mistakes with whatever I do.. e.g : The Pakoda is ok, but not crispy enough, the chicken curry is just ok.. XYZ's DIL makes the most awesome chicken curry I have had and blah blah.

I was like a laughing stock and all jokes were at my expense - my FIL would make crude jokes of me being fat (I am few extra pounds, not obese) atleast 10 times a day.

Fast forward, 10 yrs down the line - I cook whatever I can and whenever I can and keep it in the kitchen.No more royal treatment ,serving and inviting business. I NEVER ask my FIL/MIL if they liked what I cooked - NEVER. Infact sometimes, FIL makes an unwarranted comment E.g - "It is too much sugar in the tea". I dont respond, but make sure that I put even more sugar in his tea for next 2-3 days :twisted:. If he says that - "This is not how biriyani is made in their place" ( After doing all the cooking with no help from MIL), I retort - "It is best if MIL makes biriyani going forward so that it will be according to your taste".

About FIL nagging me about my weight - I tell my DH (with FIL and MIL present) - "Your dad hasnt seen fat people.He definitely lacks realistic definition of "fat". I weight 120 lbs and he says I am fat.There are people weighing more than 300-350lbs in US. Please take him out and show him more people now that he is in US with us."

 

OK, lets forget about the video and Ad. But yes, I DO think that women do more work just for their satisfaction, esp. Indian mothers are very selfless and can go to any extent to make their kids comfortable and happy. We are obsessed with feeding our kids. My older son had severe acid reflux and was always very thin and meal-times used to such a big struggle for me. There used to be daily fights between me and my husband because my whole life revolved about feeding him and wanting to see him healthy. He was a very picky eater. I was always stressed out, always. I spent so much time cooking for him hoping that he would eventually eat something. But nothing worked. I remember standing for 2-3 hours near his feeding chair, telling him stories and trying to feed him. Then my mom suggested that I should let him eat by himself. First few days were really bad, but now he eats 90% food all by himself and he is not that thin. Thanks to my mom and my husband. This method reduced my leg pain and physical strain. Nobody told me to stand for 2-3 hours to feed him but I think I did it because I wanted him to eat. I certainly was obsessed with his eating....

The thing is that we overdo things and get tired. I can't explain why we women do it, esp. indian women. My husband has never cooked in last 10 years. I always make sure that food is on the table during dinnertime. I am not sure why I do it. I think because I love them and want them to eat. If I am really tired and just want to take rest (which happens once in 2-3 months), I ask them to get something from outside. If I see toys here and there in the house, I tell my 5 year old to clean it up and if he does not do it, I do it myself. The reason I do it is because I want my house clean all the time. I know I have OCD and cleaning the house takes a toll on me. I think I will get more satisfaction in seeing a clean house and getting tired rather than seeing a dirty house and not feeling tired.

But I have to admit that my husband and my kids greatly appreciate what I do. They tell me that love me every single day

I can't say for other women (but I am assuming that they think like me too) but as far as my husband and kids are concerned, I am very selfless. I keep them ahead of me. I make sure their needs are met before mine. I can anyday put my career on hold for them to succeed in life. My husband compensates for all that He has never put any restriction/obligation on me. I have full control over everything in the house. Sometimes I can sleep until 11:00 am-12:00 noon during weekends and he takes care of the kids all by himself. I need my 7-8 hours of sleep every single night and when my kids were younger, he never hesitated to get up in the middle of the night when the baby was crying.

Yes, a woman is selfless when it comes to her family and does everything within her limit to make them happy. It just becomes little easy if she is appreciated for the hard work she put in.

But if a woman is in an abusive marriage, I think she should be selfish and just focus on her (JMO).

--Bubai

 

Dear OP,
I agree that women do extra work and some complain later. My MIL cooks diff breakfast for everyone daily and then complains. When they were here , I made a mental list of what everyone likes and made or bought that for weekends.

If someone said they did not like my subji I stopped making it and asked them to do it their way (mil and SIL) .

Always do everything for everyone but try not to be superwoman , my philosophy in life.
FL

 

I Agree.

My DH is a consultant and travels every week. He is home on weekends. Every Sunday, I cook rotis, his fav curries and pack him food for a week so that he doesnt have to eat hotel food. He is reimbursed his restaurant bills, so it has nothing to do with saving the money spent on eating out. DH himself doesnt mind eating out( he prefers home food though).I do this because I feel good that he gets home-made food and I just like doing this for him.

If I cook something special during the week, I always save some for DH so that he can try when he is home on the weekend.

 

Kids learning comprmise...granpa eating before tv and chintu eating on the foor and all is okay.....but then ...if she cooks only one or two. How can MTR advertise all their items?

No we wont accept . she has to cook all for she took money to cook all and it includeds 100 rs for that mysterios smile too. :biggrin2::biggrin2:

Sorry :biggrin2: Me escape. You folks carry on your serios discussion.

 

Good post, Rihana. Many women do that , as they crave for praise. Lets see what the others haveto say.