My problem with my DH

coolpinky · Jun 6, 2012

I think many of them who have gone through my previous posts here are aware that I stay with my ILs. To explain my problem I think I should explain my daily routine here.
After I get up in the morning I cook lunch for the entire family. Then I get ready to got to office, pack lunch for me and my dh, have break fast (my MIL prepares it) and leave to office.
My dh drops me to the bus stop. I am back in the evening by around 7.30 PM. I fresh up, relax for around 10-15 mins and then chop vegetables for preparing food on the next day while prepares
some sabzi for the dinner. My dh will be back to home at around 8.30 PM. By the time we have food its around 10.00PM (only me and my DH. Coz my inlaws will have late dinner). I go to my room after that read something for around 10 mins and go to sleep.
Now my problem is my dh doesnt utilise the available time with me. Rather He always tries to be with his brother and parents untill the end of the day. He doesnt talk to me even when we are in the bus stop waiting for my bus. Even after coming back to home he will be with them. I totally understand that its important for him to care for his people. But not at the cost of my time. He is very active while talking to them. But his tone itself changes when he talks to me. He talks to me only when something is required and behaves as if he is not interested in me. Even after having dinner he will remain in the hall only for nearly forty five minutes and then comes to the room. By that time i would be tired and almost half asleep. He will be nice in the room when he gets intimate. And later again the same scene. The pattern is the same for one year. I fought with over the same issue again and again. I cried a lot in front of him. I even told him that this is worrying me a lot and even my health is getting effected. I am not expecting him to change. I want him to understand my pain. I feel ashamed to say that it looks like we are in a live in relationship. During fights he says that he does many things for me with unconditional love, and that i dont realise that. Even i do so many things for him unconditionally including shielding my MILs nasty taunts and acts from him.Few days back she did not even prepare breakfast for just because both of her sons where not going to office and she did not feel she need to prepare something for me. I understand that he feels responsilble towards me and does many things to me and feel happy about it. But he does in such a way as if he has no other choice.
I have been nice to him whenever he comes to me. But its of no use.Once he gets he wants, he is again the same in the morning. I even discussed this with him. He just gave me a strange look and kept quiet and he is repeating the same. Hence I have decided to remain silent and show him the taste of ignorance. I kept myself away when he wanted to get intimate yesterday. Apart from this I am not able to find out ways of tackling this guy. Please help

cutemonster · Jun 6, 2012

hi cool pinky!
please dont mind but can i request u to post in a little bolder font , it makes it easier to read.

tulip2012 · Jun 6, 2012

pinky!
same is teh case with me.... what ever I do he is not caring to spend some time with me or go out. Even if we go to teh nearby beach he will want his parentas also telling where else thay acan go.. if thats the case he should show interest in taking me alone out somewhere rt!! I am waiting to see the replies to your post as well.. by the way from your post I see taht you are adjusting and still ebhaving good... God has good things in store for you dear

flowerlady · Jun 6, 2012

Dear OP,
Most men in our setup get married for housekeeping,a fat salary and also for intimacy which leads to procreation. Love, thoughtfulness is only for others not DW because she is taken foregranted.
If you ignore his love at night then he may turn further away from you. It will be prudent to plan a short get away on weekends to nearby places for fun and leisure.Or go for shopping , movie and dine out as a couple .
If possible visit your parents and let everybody realise your worth and work. It will refresh you a lot.
Living in a joint family is tough as he cannot just shut the bedroom door on his family and stay like a hotel guest.
You are doing an awesome job by making lunch and dinner and going to office.

daffny · Jun 6, 2012

there may be any of these two reasons for his behaviors,

1. they all would have discussed and laughed about somebody in their family or out side who changed a lot immdly after marriage. your husband also may have the fear, that they can say him also, that he has also changed or is after his wife...

2. he may feel shy to come to bedroom before his parents or unmarried brother. this is also very common. really i feel very embarrassed to lock the bedroom when my unmarried BILs are watching TV in the hall. (we also watch TV with them till they go to bed even now. )

these are common when the guy is eldest in the family. but this is not permanent. when the younger ones get married they will be more romantic for sure and after seeing them these guys will understand what they have missed. then the in laws also will not care much abt you. wait for your BIL's marriage. till then , make use of your intimate time and morning time when he comes to drop you. discuss everything which are interested to your husband. you just keep talking and sharing everything with him. soon he will start talking and sharing more with you.

coolpinky · Jun 6, 2012

Dear Daffny,

I understand that its embarassing to come to room immediately after having food.
Earlier he used come after 10-15 mins. Now a days he comes at the time when i would have almost slept. Sometimes he does office work from home. Even that he does it in front his family members in the night :bonk. When asked why cant he do the work in our room, he has no answer for it. If he is mood he expects me to respond whatever the time is. I cant be awake for a long time because i get up early in the morning to cook.

Haya · Jun 6, 2012

i agree wtih daffny
my DH was also the same
and as daffny said my ILs talked abt someone who changed after mrg and my DH dint wanna hear the same abt him
but things will change eventually dear
whenever u get tym with him utilise it fully
slowly he will enjoy the tyme with u

poojachinoy · Jun 6, 2012

hello coolpinky,

i agree with flowerlady..i think as it is very hectic to manage house and office at the same time,which leaves out very liitle time in the end to bond..because time has to be divided between other family members and husband and wife...so why dont you guys plan something every weekend..like a day at the end of the week,go for a movie,dinner,shopping,or just a plain small walk...i dont think the problem here is the in laws..it is the work schedule in general...your husband comes back around 8.30...freshens up and has his dinner and then spends around 45mins with his family,by the time he comes to room,there is really hardly any time left...instead of chopping vegetables for next day after coming back from office,why dont you take rest or do whatever you want that time..and chop vegetables with DH when he is watching tv with everyone..this way,you get some own time to relax and then bonding with DH at that time might also increase...and when you are done chopping,and ready to go sleep in your room,he might even follow you..

what i would suggest you is make the atmospere in your room good enough that he will long to come there..office schedules are making everyday lives the same routine..spice up your bedroom..whatever little time you have with him make it memorable for him...rejuvenate your lives...and once every now n then plan for weekend getaways...

sanvi5 · Jun 6, 2012

I dont understand why cant inlaws family realize that bonding between husband and wife is very important. Both are from 2 different families and it takes much time to know each other itself ,rather they keep commenting that he changed a lot after marriage.

Coolpinky I really appreciate you a lot for all your patience and your caring nature. I understand your pain that as married couple you need atleast some private time and spend time with your hubby.

As others have mentioned plan something for every weekend going shopping,restaurants,beaches. Make your husband realize your equally important. When you dine with him outside in leisure vent out all your feelings.

If possible in between try to visit your parents place and stay there few nights that will make him miss you and know your importance and also wait for your BIL to get married that will also definitely bring a change in your husband.

falgunid18 · Jun 7, 2012

I completely agree with sanvi5.... i dont knw wat the problem is .... MIL's have had their entire life ..all 25-30 yrs with their son... but dont develop a strong bonding then. BUt as soon as he gets married just get stick to them like fevicol... on the other hand.. our DH's also behave weird... instead of giving that time to start their own family, they just rebond to their own family like they never lived together before.
dear...I knw how u feel ..My Dh did not even stay with me even when i was sick, sat for few min and then again went to his mom... my heart really cries out anytime all this happens to me or anyone. Cant our Dh/IL's understand that our parents got married us to our DH for a better and secure future and not to be a slave in some else's house and struggle for a only tini-tiny attention and love.

Anyway's whenever u in ur BR, even if alone, always watch something intentionally that is of his interest like some mystery serials or action movies or watever he likes.... this might attract him to ocme to room... atleast to watch TV if not to be with you.

tc and good luck... and let me also know what works...so tht i can imply the same