vacation in india

What does your husband think about this? Just because your MIL EXPECTS you to break ties with your family, you can't really do it, right? if she makes a big scene when you go to your mother's place, let her do it and you just ignore. If she is hell bent on giving a hard time to you just because you went to your mom's place, look into her eyes and gently tell her how her daughter comes and stays with her for days together. You can't and shouldn't forget your parents just because your husband/in-laws want you to. Stand up for yourself. Tell you what even if you stop going to your mom's place, your in-laws will still find faults in you. I am telling this from my own experience. I went to India in Dec 2008 only for 3 weeks after 6 long years. Out of 21 days, I spent only 6 days at my mom's place but my MIL was still not happy. I really wanted to be accepted by my in-laws and thought this sacrifice would impress them.....You know she didn't even talk to me when I returned back from Delhi(my mom's place). She said nothing, not even a single word. I went and got dinner for myself from the kitchen and ate it all alone on the dinning table. I have learnt my lesson now. She could treat me so badly just because I gave her the chance. I haven't been to India after that but I will go next year most probably when my brother gets married. If that happens, I will make sure I spend 20 days with my mom and brother and go to their house only for 5 days. My hubby is visiting India this summer. I am staying back with my kids in the US. I can go easily, but I AM NOT going because I am not interested to spend time with her. My mom is with me now and I just love being with her. If someone ever tells me to forget my mom, I think I will laugh out aloud thinking that person might be mad....ha ha.

Make sure your husband is on your side. Treat him like a prince and everything else will fall on place. Life is too short. Be polite to your in-laws but don't bend backwards to impress them, it is not worth it. Our parents are also getting old. They need to spend time with their grandchildren too and with you too.... Don't let them down and don't let your selfish in-laws win just because they throw tantrums. If they are good to you, they deserve the good behavior back from you....if not, it is their loss. If you feel like meeting your parents after landing in India, go for it. Nobody should stop you from doing it. If your husband wants to go and meet his parents, let him do that too.
Best of luck!!
--Bubai

 

Very nice reply from bubai.i like her advice a lot.

 

I like bubai's response. Tried to convince your H, saying that you like to spend time with your parents.

Don't pay much attention, what other's think of you...see, what makes you happy. After spending so much time
away, you like to spend time with your parents/siblings. We are going to India to take rest, and you can slack off only at your parents place.

It is very hard to live as a spilt-family, guests in someone's house. I don't know, when Indian parents are going to understand that, we are on vacation and we like to stay together as a family.

Stay with your parents and let your H visits your family, one week for few days. Let your H stay at your ILs for most of the time. Next week, you visit ILs with your kids for few days. Third week, spend time on shopping together, and 4th week, you barely have time to pack/say good bye.

Have a fun time and good shopping trip in India.

 

Hi Mysticdiva,
This happened with me when we were Indian Resident. After my marriage we stay in other city and my in-laws and parents stay in other city. I woked there so never used to get a time long vacation to go to the in-laws place or mom's place. But my in-laws many times used to came to stay with us for how many days they want. And parents hardly used to come and stay with us for 3,4 days because as many in-laws do not like their DIL's parent to stay at their son's house. My hubby's relation with my parents are good.
Every year at Diwali festival we used to go to in-laws place. In my 10yrs of marriage each yr my SIL(my hubby's sister) with her kids came to stay with my in-laws. She is almost 10 yrs older than I. Me and my sis we r the only daughters of our parents. I wanted to visit them in Diwali as they were always alone during festival days. If u don't hv brother u always hv a more soft corner in ur heart for our parents. On one Diwali after the initial day celebration I was decided to stay only for 2,3 days to my parents home My MIL asked me where r u going I didn't give u permission to go to ur parents home. I asked her how ur daughter come here every yr she said her in-laws don't hv any objection. I said to my MIL I don't need anyone's permission to go to stay with my parents I can go to stay with my parents forever also even God cannot stop me from doing this. My in-laws got the shock of a life time and now they never ever dare to stop me to visit my parents home. My relation with my in-laws are very good, I give them lots of respect whenever necessary but I never gave control of my life in their hand. My hubby's relation with my parents was good but as every other married son he also used to take his parents' side. My husband, that time got angry with me not in front of them but afterwards he had shown his anger I asked him did I force u to come to stay with my parents or did I ask u not to visit ur parents then how come u got angry. Your parents were wrong and I was not going to accept it.
I asked my hubby If they don't want their DIL to keep relation with her parents why didn't they married u to a girl from an orphanage whose whereabouts are unknown so they didn't have to face any problem then. From that day my hubby also didn't say anything. Down the line he has changed now.

I suggest you also do the same.
Now coming to vacation in India I am going to visit now this summer. My hubby is going to come only for 15 days. I hv my own house there so we will keep our bags there and then we will visit our in-laws place. I already told him since u will be in India we will spend time with ur parents at their home. But after that I am going to spend the rest of my vacation at my own house which is in other city his parents can come there for some days and my parents, sis will visit and will stay with me there. I like to spend my time in freedom not with 4 eyes spying on me all the time :biglaugh :thumbsup

 

My in-laws have never said this explicitly but yes they do think that daughter's parents should not stay at daughter's place. If they ever utter anything in this matter, I will give them very good answers, I think they know it well. But it still baffles me that we still think in that line. When my mother was bringing us up, she never differentiated between me and my younger brother, we were equal for her, she spent all her hard earned money for our education. I remember my mom had only 4 sarees when I got through IIT for my undergraduate. When I joined IIT Delhi, she went for my Orientation in a not so good saree. The saree was OK but not great. Most of the students were boys and except 3-4 students, they were all accompanied by their fathers.But my mom stood there so confidently and so proudly in her NOT SO GOOD saree..... When the dean said in his welcome speech that the parents in that hall were the luckiest parents as their children were going to be a part of IIT Delhi as IIT was one of the toughest exams in the country, my mom couldn't stop her tears and then she wiped out her tears with her saree. I still remember that day so vividly. My mom was very proud of me but also little ashamed of her saree. I gave her a big hug and now we have come a long way..... Now my mom wasn't poor at all but she worked as a teacher and she saved every penny she earned for me and my brother. My brother made it through IIT six years later too and his fees were way too high compared to what my mom had paid for me. When parents go through so much sacrifice to bring up their kids, how can someone even think that the children will forget them.

In my friend circle, none was differentiated at home just because they were girls. Their parents too sarcificed in their own ways to bring them up. So why should this diffentiation come into picture after our marriage? Children will always be children to their parents and that is a bond that can nver be broken. I have also never told my husband to break ties with his folks just because they treated me badly. That is just not fair. On the contrary, when he sees that I am still polite and don't hold grudges against them(ha ha this is funny.....yes, I DO hold grudges very well, just that I don't show it to my darling husband....), he has started seeing how mean his parents can be at times.

I can't travel to India often as I have two small kids so I ask my mom to come and visit me every 7-8 months. It is working now but I can still see that she has developed knee pain and finds it hard to travel. Last week, she told me in front of my husband that she should not be staying like this in her daughter's house and before I could even answer, my husband said "But Mama, you can stay in your son's house". I was so proud of my husband. I had so much fight with my husband because of my in-laws but thanks to Indusladies, I really got some very good tips and I concentrated on building a great relationship with my husband (this is still work on progress). I will be with my husband as a team and have decided not to care too much for my in-laws. To hell with them if they try to make you unhappy. Live your life and live it with people you love. But DO NOT show your hatred towards your in-laws in front of your husband or even infront of them. Smile and be very nice to them for the short time you spend with them. Wow, I guess we can easily become politicians after dealing with these in-laws....

Life is beautiful and it not worth thinking too much about some people in your life who are hell bent on making your life miserable.

Have a good trip to India.
--Bubai

 

very good advice, practical and based on experience.

 

Count me in on the same boat...:shhh:

 

Tell ur husband u r not involving ur SIL in it Tell him u r trying to make them understand is the way ur sister is the daughter of ur parents and u guys want her to be with u the same way I am also daughter of someone who wants me to be with them/I also want to be with them. See u need to fight for ur rights no one will serve them ready-made for u.