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  1. #21
    sweety62 is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    As Jogu07 has suggested, same my son says. He even asks me to start my own boutique to distract myself. They always ask me to do what ever I love doing to avoid conflicts.
    But now I need courage to do all this. Gardening and visiting religious ancient temples is the most that I love doing. Previously trVelling was not possible as he never financed me. My H feels this as luxury.
    At this stage of my life I do feel cheated from my husband. We both very rarely go out together.
    There is somewhere in my heart from where I still love him. No matter what but I care for him, and this comes out as my frustration and pain. Because he never values all this.


  2. #22
    sridevipc's Avatar
    sridevipc is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    Dear Sweety aunty,
    My father as your hubby ,and my mom stayed with him just because of him
    now my father is no more
    My father almost insults my mom but he doesnt let her get insulted by others
    he had the control of the whole family
    now my mom struggles lot with him
    no one can replace a husband
    now me and my sibbling and we take care of my mom she is a living angel and god for us
    we know how she struggled and adjusted with dad because of us so we take care of her now
    so one day you children also turn out to be like us
    may be your dh also can turn to be good since he is sick please take care of him
    because it is difficult to be without a dad
    we know the pain
    i pray god and my dear dad for you

    Last edited by satchitananda; 23rd April 2012 at 08:34 PM. Reason: SMS/Chat style used.
    debashis88 likes this.

  3. #23
    omnam's Avatar
    omnam is offline Silver ILite
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    Hello Aunty,

    Lots of hugs to you.

    You struggled with him just because of your kids bringing up. Now they are grown up, independent.. why you have to put up with him. Ask your son/s to rent a house, you all move there minus your Husband , arrange things such that even if your son/s get married you are not disturbing them... I mean duplex kind of house or a room in upstairs or in neighbour where you can support them but living independently. Also, new DIL should not take you for granted and seeing your past she should not treat you the same way like your husband did.

    This is the only solution I could give you. You deserve your peace of mind Aunty atleast at this stage of life. Dont feel pitty for leaving him alone. I am sure in few months he will come down to you only. Even if he doesnt then its good for you only. Do prayers for your children, go for walks, join Aunties group who go to temples, talk in evenings, go for walks, in few years you will have grand kids... and you will be fully busy with them only.

    You should make decision atleast and end this abuse. Live for yourself atleast in this point of time.

    Lots of Love and hugs

    Omnam

    PS- I remember the movie Astitv... where the lady moves out of family when kids are grown up.

    eandian likes this.

  4. #24
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    satchitananda is offline IL Hall Of Fame
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    Debashish, if you are OP's husband and have a counter point to post, you are welcome to do so in CIVIL words. If you are not, how could you accuse OP of being the cause for her husband's heart attacks? How can you know what happened in her house? Are you a doctor who attended to her husband and could pin down the cause for his heart attacks? Even if one attributes it to stress, do you know what other kinds of stress the man suffered from that you can so confidently say that the OP is the cause of it? If there is a reasonable way in which you knew what happened in her house and cared to explain the other side of the story, that would have been the right way to do so. This personal diatribe against the OP amounts to slander and is just not acceptable and will not be allowed on this forum.

    Also your accusations implying that this site is partial to females is untrue and without any basis. There are many threads here where the members are told to stop cribbing if the husband is not to be blamed. This is not a childish case of boys against girls or men against women. One needs to be mature enough to understand the problem and either support or counsel the member suitably. Just taking off on the OP because she is a woman and got support from other members is infantile to say the least. If you wish to report someone else's posts because it attacks you, you are free to do so and be assured that it will be dealt with. But you certainly have no ground to stand on when you have broken the forum etiquette which states very clearly:

    Be civil. No personal attacks, flaming, racial/caste slurs or insults. While debating matters, please do so in a respectful and impersonal manner. Be careful with your words, there is a point where being direct crosses a line into blunt, in-your-face hostility. Indulging in personal diatribe will result in moderation of your comments. Insulting another member or a moderator will not be tolerated anywhere on this website. Rude posts will be removed and infractions issued. If you find anybody making adverse references to you personally, please do not respond. This will only make matters worse. Instead, report the post and move on. It will be taken care of by a moderator as soon as possible.
    It is surprising that you know part of the FEs which you point out to other members but conveniently forget that part which should apply to you.

    Requesting all members once again - please do not address any member other than the OP directly. If you feel any post is inappropriate, please report it. All posts in this thread which are one on ones have been removed.

    racr and jogu07 like this.

  5. #25
    sweety62 is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    Quote Originally Posted by debashis88 View Post
    Thank you for being so undemocratic. certainly i am not so old but happy-happy happily married for 10 years (married @ 22years and still growing strong in this field). *It is my promise i'll fight gangs who are threatining *core values of my nation, with my true identity. thank You. god bless you ( not me as i am atheist) .
    *
    Listen Debashis88, core value of the country to you *means women must be tolerable and no matter what mens are always right. Correct?
    **One thing as you said you got married at the age of 22 years, now 10 years of marriage makes you 32 years of age. That means I am like your mother. My elder son is around your age.
    ** Our country core value never teaches us this kind of behaviour to wards any elder without knowing the facts.
    *I do not need any medal for my anything though.*This forum is a place where we can share our feelings.
    *You got so personal ready to dictate the final judgement here which does not matter anything to me.
    Seema


  6. #26
    RockingCEO is offline New ILite
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    Sweety62/ Seema

    Its unfortunate that you find yourself with such a partner. However whatever you state as your husband's behaviour is clinically proven verbal abuse. These things dont get better with time, patience or age. They actually get worse. I am not sure what makes you unable to move out and leave such a spouse.. Those ILites mentioning your sacrific to raise kids will do the same given same circumstances.

    There is nothing great in taking abuse passively. It actually has long term health effects (most cardio vascular, digestive and muscular). Even kids who grow up in verbally abusive environment are 348% more prone to do same to their partners. So any parent staying with abusive partner is actually damaging their child 's psyche and their own too.

    As Indians we tend to underplay this abusive family dynamics. Thats main reason Indian husbands tend to do away with this crap to their wives. Because they know wife will not GO anywhere. As my Pscyhotherapist frends says..verbal/emotional Abusers will never improve because their victims make it work for them...

    My last word of advice you have wasted your youth and your children's childhood with wrong person, save your old age and Leave such a lousy spouse. They deserve to die alone wallowing in their own verbally abusive world.

    eandian likes this.

  7. #27
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    Dear OP....Please start thinking about yourself...!!! You get only one life so make the most of it, now...!!! You can go out of the way to do things for your spouse only and if he/she is worthy of it else it is a complete waste of time and evergy..!!! Better save it for your won good and do something which would give you immense pleasure...!!!

    Good luck and God bless...!!!

    freddycat likes this.
    "Happiness is like a butterfly.
    The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.
    But if you turn your attention to other things,
    It comes and sits softly on your shoulder."

  8. #28
    sweety62 is offline Junior ILite
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    Yes I can take this step, leaving him. But I was supposed to do this when I was young. At this stage of my life I lack the confidence that is required. I will have to clarify so many people who will come to me to patch up. They will not help but it will create a gossip among the relation and friends. I will speak and he will be one step ahead.*
    At the time when I am planning my kids to get married, I feel guilty to be this bold.*
    Then even still I go ahead and separate, then starting the life from nowhere will be very courageous.*
    I could have easily settled had I taken this move much before.
    Then it would have been one time bitter experience and temporary pain.
    Seema

    freddycat likes this.

  9. #29
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    sweetyk is offline Silver ILite
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    My hugs to you Seema gi.


  10. #30
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    Default Re: After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

    Seemaji,

    I understand, what are you going through. It is the same selfless act, thinking about others before your needs/feelings. Once gossip mill starts, it is hard to put the lid on it, and it does no good to you or the family.

    Just, try to ignore him, forgive him as 'sick' old man. Get involved with your hobbies & business as usual,
    focus on your daily routine. I like to read, reading 200+ pages at a stretch and will usually, calms my mind. There are good motivational/spiritual books available at the local library.

    Keep faith, think positively and daily prayer does lot of wonders.


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