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After almost 30 years of marriage still struggling to adjust with my rude husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sweety62, Apr 22, 2012.

  1. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    Seema,

    Can you talk to your kids, they are adults, now? Can't they talk to their dad about his behaviour and how he is hurting you? I know, when you feel helpless and it is much harder to handle things, by yourself.

    From near death experience, the patients supposed to be mellowed down and thankful to their life. But, I heard that before, some after the by-pass surgery, turned into more arrogant and uncontrollable. May be, something with the medication, can you talk to his doctors?

    I will keep you in my prayers.
     
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  2. sweety62

    sweety62 Senior IL'ite

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    Debashis88 if you feel that out side food is much cheaper then men's like you do not need to get married at all.
    All your needs in life has solution and can be some substitute out there
    The point raised about bank balance and insurense I do not care of finanacials And if I wanted I could have divorced him and claimed a lot from him legally.
    If he is earning even a small amount monthly usually husband and wife take care of it. At least wife handles and make some decisions in the family. This is family all about. It is never one sided dictator ship.
    What hurt me now most is even spending my life with him he still does not trust me for a penny. I still have to give him the details of the amount in case I take from him.
    Sitting there talking and making expert comments is always easy.
     
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  3. suryakala

    suryakala IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Seema,
    I am very upset after reading your story.Yes, Your Husband is so arrogan. First you have to accept his behaviour and try to move on.Now, the children are grown up.They may give full support. Leave all your sorrows in one side and try to live happily by doing some Meditation,that will help you. Share all your thoughts with all ILs and do some service to the poor people, or do something which will make you happy.We all ILs are here to support you.Do visit this forum every day.
    Do not worry about anything .Be happy.I will keep your name in my prayer. My best wishes to you!
    May Baba Bless you and Guide you always.
     
  4. bubai

    bubai Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Seema,

    I can't believe that your husband hits you, walks away and stops talking to you...I feel as if I am going through my mom's story. You can read my story that I had posted in Indusladies more than 2 years back. Here is the link:

    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/l...74-how-to-save-my-marriage-4.html#post1090629

    I understand that you stayed in this marriage for so long because you weren't financially independent but I still have few questions for you:

    How do your children behave? Do you think they would have been different people without their dad?
    Does your husband hit you in front of the kids? Does he insult you in front of them? How do they take it?

    The reason I am asking you this is because I stayed with my extremely abusive dad until 7th grade and then my mom could not take it anymore and she moved out. But the damage was done. Doing well in academics was a doable thing but still I struggle with those painful memories. I cry often and for little things. It took me a long time to really trust my husband. I do get depressed at times. I worry about very very small things and even though people think that I am confident and very outgoing, I feel that I am a sad person deep inside me. I take solace in my family but my older son has caught me crying many times without any reason. I am extra good to people who are nice to me but when someone tries to insult me and make me feel miserable, I can become very nasty. The only exception here is my in-laws. I am not perfect and I know I can be a much better person than I am. The reason I am saying all this is because even though we think that children are doing well in their career but the truth is that children who come from dysfunctional families have some or the other problem.

    DO NOT take abuse from your husband, never. If he gives you crap and says that you are responsible for his heart attack, he is really being mean. Take care of yourself, get hold of yourself. Stand up for yourself, you don't have to argue with him. Just convey him the message that you do not care about his opinion towards you. You need to find avenues for your stress and sadness. It is hightime that you go out and meet people. Now that your children are adults and have left home, find time for yourself. Do things that you like to do. Interacting with other people is very interesting. Try joining some community programs, read books, take some courses online, listen to music, anything that makes you happy. You have to accept life whatever it offers you and make the most of it. Everyone does not have everything. Look at what you have around you and what you can do with them to make yourself happy from inside.


    Take care.
    --Bubai
     
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  5. aaral

    aaral Silver IL'ite

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    Dear op,
    I read your post 30 years is a very long time ,amazing how you managed alone. You have been very patient, his ill health is only and only due to his attitude. Now that your children have grown up , may be you can take them into confidence and try to find an alternative. Leave him alone and go stay with one of your children. It will make him realize he and not you need him. Please try to get your confidence back and put your foot down. If he insults you tell him to stop and walk out of the room.

    From now on make the food keep it on the table, try going out to the park ,join an NGO or library . Make it plain that your world does not revolve around him. You have a life too

    All the best.
     
  6. akila71

    akila71 New IL'ite

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    hI,
    I think the debashi is a person who like your husband is ill treating female maybe it the same issue with his wife. I do think the reply by such person should be deleted by the moderator. I feel that I am hearing the story from my mother. she too has such issue and she has endured everything for the sake of us(kids). I think what seema has done is the story of thousands of indian wives who are struggling with the husbands arrogant attitude. So Seema i think now is the time to ignore what your husband does, and do some social service if time permits for your satisfaction. there is no way your husband will change
     
  7. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    You have done enough for keeping your family together and should now relax and stop looking for appreciation from your abusive H. You can stay no to abuse at any time.
    It may come as a surprise to you BUT children do get affected when they see the abusive relationship of their parents. By quietly taking abuse for 30 years you have given a message to them that it's normal. They can repeat this behaviour as they have seen Mom taking it with a smile and think its ok.
    Time to wake up and say NO to any kind of abuse. Your kids must be grown up by now and you have no responsibilities as such, warn him of harsh consequences if he continues with his ill-treatment.
    If you think that your meek behaviour will win you applause it will not, don't be a doormat.
    Join some voluntary work or anything that interests you, make your own friend circle, it will give you a lot of happiness and also earn respect from your kids.
    God helps those who help themselves.
     
  8. premabarani

    premabarani Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Seema
    My prayers for your happiness & peace. If your sons are earning, then stay with them for a while forgetting all your troubles including your DH. Make him realise you have your own life & you are not dependant on him but it is other- way- round. Start focussing on your hobbies like reading or some craft, just ignoring the presence of your dh.

    The ignorance of you & your boldness to stay happy inspite of all his misbehaviour will surely have effect on him.

    Best wishes for you to stay happy.
    Prema Barani
     
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  9. sweety62

    sweety62 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear all Thanks for the prayers for me and the blessings. My one son is working in the other city, and other lives with us. I do not have a daughter.
    ** * * * ** *Since from their childhood I have never taught them anything against their father. This is because when grown up, kids can blame their mom for provoking them against their father. My husband does love his kids. *I believe in sanskars *what we pass to our kids and karma.*
    They did see his aggressive behaviour but they had been very easy going and involved in their activities.
    *I feel usually boys react different then daughters in this situation. Daughter age more emotional then son.
    My elder son is now not happy and not comfortable working and living with his father and wants to settle in India as soon as he gets a good job their.
    **He does gets into an arguments with him but he too is helpless like me because the business is all handled by him.
    Seema
     
  10. jogu07

    jogu07 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP....A big hug to you...!!! I simply cannot even imagine living a life like yours...!!! I salute you for going through so much(ill treatment and discreetness your H has given you)...!!! Guess he doesn't even know the meaning of marriage and equality...!!! Your patient is worth admiring, having said that, I wish you had started retaliating a little earlier in life so that you could have saved yourself years back....!!!

    Is it possible for you to go and stay with your son(the one who lives in another city) for a while...!!! If yes, take a break, leave your selfish H alone for a while and let him take care of himself, make him realise your importance, I understand that it is not possible for one to change at his age however worth givin it a try
    (atleast for your well being) no harm in tryin rite...!!!

    Nice to know that you have imbibed good family values in your sons however you have put your happiness and life at stake and I am sure that they have grown to be good mature adults who would understand your situation and help you find a solution..!!! Would strongly advice you to take your sons into confidence and speak to them openly about the life that you have led or atleast give them a hint of the sacrifices that you have made...!!!

    Dear lady, you only get one life to live so atleast now start living for yourself, its better late than never...!!!

    Good luck and God bless..!!!
     

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