Life in NEW WORLD Called Marriage

lostlove · Apr 15, 2012

When we are born out of the love of our parents…..they put in all the love of the universe, care and affection in us. Then comes a day when our “prince charming “ comes, sometimes chosen by us “love marriage “ or by our families “arranged marriage” and takes us away from the people who selflessly loved us all the years……I can either say “takes us” or “starts a new exciting phase as 2 bodies and one soul”. The latter is what a girl dreams of , prays for and wishes for more than anything else….getting a life partner who makes her feel secure, loved and a shoulder to rest on. Sadly enough over past three years after my marriage, I increasingly feel former is what is in store for most of us…no matter how hard we try to be a good wife,….a good daughter-in-law and a good sister-in-law for the family of our spouses. Worse are the cases of love marriages especially when if the any dislike exists, parents still bow for our happiness…just to see us smiling. And later after the holy circles you are made to realize that your happiness truly mattered just to them and now for their sake, the only people who truly loved you its important to wear a mask of fake smile and happiness, praise your “boy-friend turned husband” who once had the status of a soul-mate/ the best friend/ the sink to pour out all worries….but now is nothing more than a husband, a person who causes greatest pains to your heart ,but certainly holds the certificate of controlling your life the most.

Friends I do not understand what is a good marriage? Is there one that exists? Its 21st century and we are hypocrites if we say daughters and sons are equal……YES they are equal only until the “fateful day of marriage”, only in our parent’s homes “period”. I don’t have a kid but if I am asked about having a son or daughter, I would regardless say “SON”….not because I treat a son superior….but because a “daughter” is considered inferior by “husbands” in our Indian Society. I certainly regret being a girl in last 3 years, and I don’t want my child to have same regrets. Despite having all the education, best jobs….being a superior in terms of being able to create a new life………every women in life is stepped on for the sake of maintaining peace, controlled, bullied, judged under the microscope to show how imperfect she is in role as a wife or as member in inlaws family, abused physically or mentally and YET expected to worship her husband , dance on his tunes to maintain love, ignore her “ROOTS”, people from whom she got real love…………….and scores of women in our Indian society do this generation after generation…time after time leading these painful lives to keep superior men in our families “HAPPY”
I had a love marriage……………my husband is nothing what he “showed” he was before marriage. Unfortunately there are no warranties in marital contracts. I am educated, worked throughout after marriage to fulfill “our responsibilities”….he was without work. Basically according to him whatever I earned….was because he let me earn…and it was his wish whether he agreed to let me spend my earned money…as he was the man. I was very career oriented married at the time when we were not at all well settled for his sake as his dad wanted it……and perhaps I was taught..”love is keeping the other person above u”.

Sadly his family is my family….but my family is an “option”. Yes distances are there but we talk to his folks daily for hours but he will talk to my parents only if I call them and make him talk. If there are any issues in his family he is overly concerned and I am as well…but when it comes to my parents or siblings he says “ I should not worry much, I am married. He never worries anyway”. I am under microscope with his family….any wrong word coming out of my mouth automatically means a “BIG FIGHT”……basically in short he is GOD as my parents gave him their daughter…..they are inferior. Normal human behavior right …why would you give extra love and affection when you don’t need to…..My parents /siblings are under microscope as well….and every “is/am /are coming out of their mouths is analysed” Why? Just to tell me how bad they are.

In trying to fix all this I have been losing myself, my “Boy-friend” used to be my soul mate but I even am scared talking to my friends in front of husband as he might pull any word of mine. The dreams I had for serving my parents were clearly told to him at many occasions before marriage….he conveniently refused right after marriage….as then I had no way of changing my life, I was married.

I saw marriage as a partnership of 2 people taking care of each other, each other’s family and responsibilities…but now its like me standing with him for everything he wants and me standing alone for things I wanted……My family is like a burden….he would have been happier if I were an orphan, why? Because he has nothing to lose……Can this be love? No……. not atleast in my dictionary. Care, love , affection or financial support from me for his family is my duty…so no accolades,….for my parents 1000 Rs become a pain in ass and anger in eyes,…..this is when I am working and they gave me the ability to stand on my feet. I am sad, I am alone…we don’t have a kid…and I am told I am selfish for not having one. There have been so many fights after marriage……he did not have a stable job for almost 2 years in 3 years of our marriage ….and YET I am wrong. I have even heard things like he doesn’t need my blood in his child…..yes it was in anger and perhaps he did not mean it….but if I say same things I would be slapped.

There is a loneliness, insecurity in me . I regret the fact that I ever got married….I don’t know how to move ahead with real happiness. He is not the guy I loved…I was faked and befooled thinking after marriage I would have no option but to bow down…I am losing my marriage….we might be able to stay together for next 40 years but I know we are not happy. I have ignored many things ………..but don’t know if its worth it..His family is great and I have always tried to blend in them …may be he got this without making efforts and does not value it……for me I find he is not a son-in-law or a brother-in-law…he is a stranger to my family. Someone who would not give his emotions and yet expects everyone in my family should tell him everything that happens or give best of gifts as he is son-in-law. For someone who values his family so much and chooses to ignore his in-laws….isnt this just selfishness? Just do what matters to him or makes him happy.

I need way out, suggestions and advice. I am like a lost soul………….and feel like I am living with a stranger because of the stamp of “marriage”. Also I want to know why after all these sacrifices we are the inferior ones.....why are we blamed rather than appreciated. What do men do for their families that we don't and why do we have to ignore our parents if they went through the same hardships to bring us up as our in-laws did for our husbands. I have always given a lot of importance to my husband's parents and they deserve it being parents but you cant choose to be conservative , controlling and broadminded as is convenient to what husband wants

Is there a way to change my life? I married for love care and a heart that does not exist...n because I am a girl no matter who I am or what I have done , am I forced to accept what comes my way?

freddycat · Apr 15, 2012

lostlove,

First, just calm down. Take a deep breath. It is not end of the world. For every problem, there is a solution.

Once you are married, everything is the past. You have to accept the present and make the marriage work for you, instead of thinking the worst case.

Now, what you are experiencing is NOT that much different, than any other Indian women experienced or going through. Yes, after marriage, your parents become an outsider, It is the Indian standard/custom.

You are working and it doesn't change the fact. You need to get permission, at least need to notify your H about sending money to your parents.

Assume, you have a separate bank account. As long it is within limits (reasonable amount), you should send money to your parents. It's your husband, why do you feel shame/pride/ego in asking him, so what, if he yells/screams at you? Just ignore him and move on.

You are a smart young women. There are some many things in life, you need to achieve. You can accomplish them by remaining calm/patient and without spilling unnecessary words. When you are angry everything looks bad and makes you to imagine the extreme.

Think about it, there are some many women didn't have, what you have.....education, freedom, job, even some remain single for various reasons. You got almost everything, all you got to do is, make all the positive things work for you...instead of destroying it with the negative thoughts.

RamyaSridhar1978 · Apr 15, 2012

Hi
It appears that you assumed many happy things after marriage , you seemed to have some kind of imaginary bubble of life after marriage for the woman ...
It has always been and I guess it will always be ...
Parents of the girl are always the outsiders
Woman have to make all the adjustments, compromises, sacrifices . ..
Now that depends on you how you take it.eg
If leaving my career ad taking care of your child is a sacrifice for you it's my own choice for me ! ..
Life has options it's only the way you see it.
I mean these are untold realities and I am afraid how you failed to know about it.
May be too much of mushy romantic Bollywood masala has given you a different picture of married life something like hum saath Saath hai!...
Life s not a Sooraj bharjaiya movie dear!....
Think of the positives you are well educated at least your h and inlaws allow you to work which is the biggest plus point. You are financially independent . why the insecurity. .?
In lighter vein at least can always Have work related things and get away from an unpleasant issue at home .front
I dnt knw how long did you guys court to get marred but hw come a man be totally different from what he was ... Before marriage... You would have known him well before you took this step!.why do you complain now.

Pinky9 · Apr 15, 2012

Really getting scared of marriage.....
feeling like its better to stay alone;than putting our lives into others hands nd letting them to destroy

mithuna76 · Apr 15, 2012

a xerox copy of my life.

GMReddy · Apr 15, 2012

dear op,

it is quite surprising that the person who loved you before marriage is not understanding you now after marriage...

you have every right to support your family financially when they are in trouble...you can gently explain the need to your hubby...

find out what is causing most trouble to you and work on it to improve...if required take the help of your parents on this...

may be small arguments are leading to big fights ...may be some other mental tensions of your hubby are the real problem... or is it insecurity of wife working ...just find out the root cause and work on it...

best of luck...

ivlakshmi · Apr 15, 2012

Hi ,
Love or arranged marriage the situation is same for some women. Getting a nice family and husband is all about luck . After my divorce , i realized that one should never bother about how the other person is with u.. Only thing that matters is if he is allowing u to work .. It is ok to throw some money his face for the sake of mental peace.
If u are married u r insulted by your hubby and his parents.if u are divorced you will be insulted by the whole world around.. This is how indian society is structured.. There is no need to talk somuch with his parents u can give some lame reasons without fighting..some guys are saddistic they do things just to irritate women..don't show ur emotions and tackle well.. Do not worry if he is not giving money or calling your parents..

sweetyk · Apr 16, 2012

Dear OP,

My hugs to you dear.. Its sad that Indian society is structured this way. Even after being financially independent (name sake independence) there is no real independence after marriage.

Life after marriage won't be a bed of roses. Think about some alternatives to help your parents. Like save some money regularly for your self (though it is fro ur salary) and use that for all the gifts for your parents.

Spend more time with your self, reading books, listening to music what ever makes you happy. Take time and speak to ur parents daily(dont bother if ur DH does not talk to ur parents).

Live happily..dont take things to heart. Its a fact that marriage is full of adjustments.

smile dear..

sweety

Live happily

AmmyS · Apr 16, 2012

Dear lostlove,

I cant control tears in my eyes after reading ur post. Every word of yours exactly matches my life. When i read ur post i felt that it was me who wrote it.

The only difference is i have a 1 year old son and married for 2.3 years. Now it has come to a point where i cant take it anymore. I am planning for a divorce. But the thought of my son not having a father is killing me.:drowning I dont know how our society will treat him after am divorced. I put up with my H for all these just for the sake of my son. But now i feel that its a waste and my H is changing for the worst and i cant see him change in the near future too..... just so confused...My parents are aware of my situation and cant see me suffering like this everyday. They are also asking me to go in for a divorce. I am working in an IT company and can take good care of my son. But what about the taboo of the society? Is staying in this relationship worth it for my son.

PS: I have previously posted my probs here on IL, and got many good suggestions from experienced Ilites here. BUt nothing worked on my husband as he is an egoistic male chauvinist p**.

silvertulip · Apr 16, 2012

Hi dear, u must be going thru lots but u need to be strong and take care of things on ur own. Stop thinking of urself as a victim and think of ways to stop being emotionally victimized and abused by ur DH. Now u need to stand up for urself! If ur DH has changed after marriage so do u need to change seeing this behavior of him and he needs to know that he cant treat u like a doormat as per his whims and fancies.
Is ur DH having a stable job now? He should pay for his parents and family and u r not supposed to feed him (if he says a wife has to live as per his husband's wish then he should also know that he has to provide everything for his wife as per marriage). Next, if he expects respect from ur family, then he also needs to be respectful (u talk to ur parents dont bother abt him talking to ur parents or not), and he needs to treat u with respect (like he wants u to be good to his parents/family, then he needs to do the same and u will also keep ur talks minimum to ur ILs as much required, not more like he does). Like he is entitled to spend time with his family, so is u and u also have the right to spend on ur family like he does! Ur DH needs to learn how to be a good husband and how to behave with people, so better don't feel lost and victimized, u have to stand up and tell him that if he is not going to change his chauvinist attitude, things can't work between u two. Might as well think of spending sometime with ur family and take time off from ur DH, so that things can get in his head that he cant treat u like a doormat. My dear dont lose hope, u have to deal with this situation.