Another Challenge in Life, Am i being selfish here ??

mohini16 · Apr 5, 2012

Hello All , This is first time I am opening a thread in hope to get some valuable suggestions from all you experienced/matured ladies/mums.

My background in brief : I turned 28 last week . I come from upper middle class family from semi-metro town in India , I got married to this guy(arrange marriage) at age of 22. he sponsored me and I came here after 9 months of marriage as i was doing my Masters there , as soon as I come here my whole world turned by 360 degrees as he was totally emotionally abusive and the reason was he was having affair with some girl in his office. I tried to save it for 4-5 months , situation was being nastier as time went by and by saving my self respect and dignity I left his home in this total stranger country. Didnt feel like trying anymore as i lost complete faith and i myself didn't wanted to stay there since then I never turned back since then. Just to add up , I am pretty good looking and educated , It gave me additional confidence while leaving and never turning back , I strongly believed I deserve someone more better rather than dieing everyday for rest of the life and running behind some characterless guy who will leave me anytime. It was solely my decision and I still don't regret it .
I started my life from scratch here as I never wanted to go back to India, I wanted to make my stand here and didn't wanted to face some stupid questions of relatives. then I started doing some research abt indian community in Canada in order to find accommodation then how to buy cell phone/credit card/saving account etc , I left his house with only 500 dollars in my pocket and i didn't know how would i pay rent for next month.
Somehow my struggle paid off and today I am working proudly in senior position and my net worth is something which my whole khandan can dream of , that's what i always wanted , i guess being a typical Leo , I am highly ambitious and work my butt off to make my own stand from crowd. I always wanted to stay here and never wanted to work in India.
Its been 5 years now since i am here.

Coming back to the origin of this thread , in the last 4 years i dated and tried to know 2-3 guys and but never felt like spending whole life with any of them , i don't know the reason ,somewhere i have become more practical and materialistic . Hence i am not married yet , this is foreign country and it is hard to find Indian guys like in office or neighborhood.

Now as I never wanted and thought I will be going to India , but now I am making my mind to go there and stay there for sometime and I am positive I will find someone. My problem is I am damn worried about my age and getting panic attacks every now and then as I see other girls are getting married around me .
I started feeling I ran behind money and didn't goto India thats why I am single for so long. just to mention i am currently dating this guy but not sure about getting married to him. I am kind of picky. I literally forced myself to get married to this guy only so i can get rid off from all tension of going to india and look again/ date again. and I am forcing myself from last 6 months but somehow when i imagine getting married with him i don't feel excited , he used to be very nice but he is not same person i started dating. he gets angry every now and then , he overreacts on small things. I loved him for his patience and calm behavior but he is completely opposite now , and i am already scared as i came out of bad relation , I don't want to get stuck again , so thought of taking another chance and goto india , as there are lots of Indian men there , I will find someone or I strobgly hope for it . As I hear my mom says i already have some negative divorce tag attached to me so i should adjust and get married on first come first serve basis. but i never felt it neither i have seen it in one's eye
to whomever i dated so far. So I am daring to take this chance and coming over to India.

Now here comes problem , I have one younger sister who is 2 yrs younger than me , my parents are looking for alliances for her actively. my problem is i want to get married first as I will feel ashamed in going to my home to attend my younger sister's marriage. I already feel conscious about my past and divorce thing, I told my mom , you can go ahead and get her married but don't aspect me to come for marriage coz I won't come . you can ask me for my advise for alliance search or whatever needed but i will not be there. Once she even said , so you can come after marriage !! I am so hurt , my mom is not even saying no you are eldest daughter of our home and you have to be here. as I showed my opinion abt sis's wedding thing , she is now saying we will just decide or do engagement and will do wedding after yours . I am badly hurt and in pain,
My question is , in last 5 years i never asked for any support from my parents , not financially and emotionally. I infact went to indian only twice and didn't feel like she misses me or anything , although i told them i will choose guy by myself only , because dad is old and sick now so i don't expect anything much from them . But just wondering , in fact this question came into my mind first time ? some daughters when their marriage break they stay in their parent's house and dependent on them , i was independent and capable so they never bothered and now too they are not showing me concern and worried abt my sister's marriage only. my dad does show me concern and worried as well. but mom is running after sister's marriage only and telling me you can come after her marriage or when yourself get married if you feel conscious.

I suddenly started feeling so lonely and hopeless , i never felt like this when i had to leave thats cheaper guy's home with no money in pocket. I am just keep crying from last week , i call home coz i am worried abt my dad's heath and love him but i avoid speaking to mom from week now.

All you people tell me , am i expecting too much or i am being selfish ? I am excited abt my sis's marriage and love her too i wanna go there but i won't go single . it will be shameful for me.

Please suggest , BTW i never spoke anything bad abt my family , but i guess i just want to vent out my painful headache and my aching heart.

Thanks a bunch !!

ProudIndian · Apr 5, 2012

Dear Mohini

First of all congratulations for getting over bad marrige and establishing yourself. You know what there are millions of indian girls stucked in bad marriages and want to be like you, Financially independant, confident, living on your own terms. You should be proud of yourself that your hard work paid off.

Regarding your current relationship please donot compramise because you are divorcee and you are 28 years old. Now adays divorce is not that big taboo and not that un common in India. Its not your fault that your marriage did not work. I know lot of middle class, upper middle class indians who are divorced, remarried and leadning normal happy life after second marriage. People talk about anything, everything. Don't be scared of society or relatives gossips. Even if you do good things people talk bad. Even if you have good successful marriage people are jealous. Why should you care about people? Its your life and you are living good life decently without hurting anyone. You haven't done anything wrong right?

In my opinion if you want to attend your sister's marriage you should go alone and enjoy. You should ask your parents and sister if they will feel embarrassed if you attend wedding? Your parents are from older generation so you should forgive them if they hurt you. You should not marry forceably just to show society or relatives. Only when you are 100% sure about your healthy relationship you should think about marriage. I wish you best of luck!

RADIODOC679 · Apr 5, 2012

Hi Mohini16!!
First of all cheers Girl for truly standing up to a nonsense marriage and starting life from a scratch and ending up where you are now.No need to feel paranoid.Most marriages which appear so called good are simply thriving because of kids/no -one wants stigma of divorcee tag.Especially since you are away form India all the more good.Why you want to prefer only Indian Guys.Most guys who are abroad are narrow minded and then the good ones are already taken.Relax and take a break to see whether you really want to settle down or only for peer pressure!!At 28 its a long way.establish yourself .Try to socialise in large groups,get to know good guys and then decide.Attending the marriage is upto you.Last dont ever feel inferior,as there are so many girls stuck in bad marriages/families who would love to exchange positions with you.
all the best!!

rainandsnow · Apr 6, 2012

Hi!I think you should go to your sister's wedding too. You really miss your family so you should go see them. Just go for the wedding and come back soon after all the celebrations are over. I have a suggestion. You should consider asking a close friend to go with to India. Indian or non Indian... someone who knows your situation and have provide you emotional support at your home if relatives are being mean or nosy. This was you wont feel as much stressed out.
As for your marriage, take your time and get the person first. Try meeting people through matrimonial websites. I am sure there are male divorcees too who are in the same boat as you are.
Hope this help.

GMReddy · Apr 6, 2012

dear op,

age of 28 yrs is not old...there are many girls beyond this age who are yet to marry...

registering in a matrimonial site will help you speed up the search for alliance...you can even need not go to India if you want search through matrimonial sites....

attending your younger sister's marriage, you can as well attend to enjoy yourself and to get acquint with people around...for this you need not worry about your mother not specifically inviting...as she might have felt you are not feeling good to attend it...

having independent stature at the age of 28 yrs, is itself a good sign for your future life...you have lot of time to find your right partner...

best of luck...

deepa10 · Apr 6, 2012

Hi,
I am so experienced as you have asked. But I have thought a lot about your situation before posting this. Hope this will help you in some way.

Actually you have come out of a bad marriage and you are so happy and proud that you have got a good career and in a very good position now. But somewhere deep inside, you are still hurt from your first marriage (since it was not successful and you are answerable now) and you have developed a little complex there.
Getting divorced was not your mistake, and getting married again is not an easy task also. So, my 2 cents to you is, dont confuse your relationship with your sister. Its ok, not everyone in the world are happy and joyful in all aspects of life. Some has problems in marriage, some in health, some in work, etc..
You dont have to feel ashamed of something which was not your mistake. You have not been much dependent on your parents and may be they thought they will leave you as you wish since they might also feel bad when they force you to come and see your sister wedding. What I would suggest is, talk openly to your mom.. She is your mom, dont feel ashamed to talk about your feelings to her. Let them marry off your sister, go attend the wedding, answer anyone's question with confidence. Enjoy your stay, stay with your dad, at the same time try to find matches for you, if it suits get married.

You are not too old and you said you are good looking, so I am sure you will get good matches. All the best. :thumbsup

rose8282 · Apr 7, 2012

Women die to be in your shoes.Why worry about what relatives say?Thats the reason right...for not going to your sister's wedding?Come on,if anyone talks about you,let them.If they ask you directly..tell them that your husband was a wrong decision and you are happy you came out of it successfully.Be confident and shut their mouth!
Regarding your mother..she is away and does not know what you are going through.Since you must not have shared your difficulties with her,she has no idea.She thinks you can handle it all. Go happily,attend your sis' wedding and share your feelings with your parents.
Regarding your marriage...28 is just right. Dont jump into an arranged just for heck of it. You are mature and know it all.Use your experience and choose the right guy.No one is Perfect...it just depends on how much you are willing to compromise and adjust for the one you love.Is this guy hot tempered...too much to handle?Otherwise how is he?Does he love me truly?Ask all these questions.Somewhere you have to compromise...but dont compromise on the basic ingredients for a successful marriage.

mohini16 · Apr 8, 2012

Thanks all of you ladies , your suggestions are valuable to me , just an update , I spoke to my mom and she said she never meant to say it , i guess something must have been said out of frustation. And I also blaim myself for this , I can't lie to myself , I am being selfish here , i am creating hurdle in my little sis's marriage for my own insecurity. my mom-dad even told me we will marry her after yours only coz we love you lot but i have been telling them since 2 years , i will find guy by myself but havent found anyone yet and still expecting them to wait for me and keep my younger sis unmarried. Damn me !!! There should be some logic and deadline for it which i never gave them and frankly emotionally blacmailing them by saying i won't come and all.
I have decided i am going to get married this year only and stop all these tanturms . Wish me luck , I want to seemy whole family happy , not to make them suffer for me anymore.

Mohini

satchitananda · Apr 8, 2012

Dear Mohini,

I am really proud of you for having had the guts to come out of a bad marriage, started life from scratch in a foreign country where you were all alone and to have made a success of your life.

As for your age, 28 is not an age to worry about. There are many people in India who get married after 30 for the first time. Registering with a matrimonial site might help you find more people. As for people talking, my personal take on such people is they never give a damn what you think of them. So why bother what they think of you. And believe me, no one really dares to question anyone on their personal lives any more. It is extremely rare. Gossip mongers are aplenty and let them enjoy themselves keeping themselves busy in the only way they know how to, give them the royal ignore and get on with your life.

I am glad you have talked to your mom and decided to let your sister get on with her life. I am sure they all would want you to be there for the wedding. Go, enjoy yourself, spend time with your parents, see if you can find someone you like and let life take its course. As for the guy you are with, don't marry anyone out of any pressure. Be 100% sure you like a guy and that your core values are on the same page before you think of marrying anyone.

All the very best.

mohini16 · Apr 8, 2012

As for your age, 28 is not an age to worry about. There are many people in India who get married after 30 for the first time.

Thanks Satchi , Yes I think same but my parents are getting older and I want to give them happiness to see my family now , they suffered because of my past and all, so yes I have decided I am going to get married soon

Thanks for the reply