miscontrued perceptions

Very good analysis.
I do respect your comments as GENERAL COMMENTS as these facts may differ from the person to person and situation to situation
I want to add few MALE comments on your perception:
In fact MEN also consider His spouse family as his family if things arises.. But may not be on the daily basis as his parents because his parents lives with Him and his spouse. (Example: I did more than my IL's kids does for their family in a short period of time, just considering them as my own family.. but I cant do more than that since they wont live with me on daily basis).
Men or Women: Many folks hate/like their Inlaws in a diff way but in general, in a normal and healthy family the female is expected to be a part of their In-laws family while male is expected to respect his spouse's equal concerns about her family. When something deviates from the above healthy balance.. it is the issue starting point..

 

Hi,
@riya123

well i think all this has to do with our society and the stories that we see during growing up.

Lets take some examples

a guy is expected to rpovide for the family and look after the parents after they get old and are unable to do this.
Story:
shravan kumar is lauded in ancient indian mytholigy as the ideal son as he took his blind parents to the four dham yatras

lord rama is called maryada purshottam ( best out of all the males ) and on one call of his parents endured the hardship.

So reading and seeing on tv these roles get entrenched in our psyche.

Now a girl is expected to be a caregiver and staying with husband in thick and thin

savitri famoulsy made the god of death yamraja to forgo her husband's life.

She is also lakshmi bai the master strategist, who faught bravely in the face of adversity.

And as SREESRI righty pointed out things vary from person to person.

If i am wrong anywhere with names or facts please forgive me as i dont want to hurn anybody's religious feellings.

WHEN YOU MOVE SOMEPLACE NEW OR CHANGE A HOME YOU LIKE TO ARRANGE THINGS AND EAT IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT GIVES YOU A FEELING OF FAMILIARITY.

IN BOYS CASESE HE'S BEEN LIVING ALL LIFE WITH PARENTS HE LIVES WITH NOW AFTER MARRIAGE SO THERE ARE FAMILIAR FACES ALL AROUND AND HE DOESNT WANT TO STIR THE POT.


WHILE ON THE OTHER HAND EVERYTHING IS NEW TO THE GIRL AND SHE TRIES TO MOLD IT INTO SOMETHING FAMILIAR WHICH MAYBE ALIEN TO THE IL'S AND HENCE THE SEE IT AS GIRL IMPOSING HER WILL AND OPPOSE IT AND PROBLEMS START.

***THUS BOY RUNS AWAY FROM TROUBLE AND GIRLL FEELS LONELY IN STRUGGLE***.
WHAT RHYMING

take care
chow

 

indeed rhyming n funny
but good points mentioned....

 

Thanks @srividya75

 

I partially disagree with the part in bold. Why is that healthy and not the other way round? What's unhealthy if we rewrite this as......
the male is expected to be a part of their In-laws family while female is expected to respect his spouse's equal concerns about his family

Laughable?? Not so much..!

A generation or two generations back...this was healthy and normal:
The female is SUPPOSED to be a part of husband's family ONLY, while make is SUPPOSED to care for his own family.Female's family should stay out and not get involved or attached.
Believe me any deviation from the above "healthy balance" was abnormal and unhealthy. And the people who made these rules were not dumb. They were good people...who did lot of good things, and made lot of contributions.

But parameters that govern the health of a society change, as society changes and people change.
-----------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, we were all animals. We didn't have rules..culture or anything. Men and women existed, but for women even "survival" was difficult. They were weak and attractive. That time the concern of the society fell towards protecting women...and the onus of culturally developing the society fell into the hands of men. Women could not get out much or develop an exposure to all aspects of life....because there was no system to make sure that the women will not face any kind of dangers. The onus fell on men.....and men worked hard and did a fabulous job. They not just protected women....but developed different spheres of society. They made rules......and SINCE they did so much.....the developers of the social system accepted it as a "privilege"..to make rules that did not separate THEM from their flesh and blood and the women...while women had to accept that choice. It was logical THAT TIME ..being dead or exploited was a bad choice compared to living with in-laws and leaving your family.

However, women gradually..and slowly got the social exposure. At some places they got immense protection from the legal system....and education. Slowly women started contributing in the society...and doing a good job too. Now they felt WHY are they still being treated like ages ago. They started resenting whatever was an old custom...whatever was ok and "healthy" started becoming unhealthy, because the new woman did not take things lying down..and she no longer was so helpless.

Men started realizing that they had to relax something...bend their rules....because this woman wouldn't relent. So men started gradually getting more understanding...started allowing woman to freely interact with her own family. But when it came to his flesh and blood.......he would not give in...he loved his family, and it was reasonable why should he give it up! However same way..it was reasonable, why should the woman give up her family, when she was contributing to social structure as much as man...and her own mental development was in no way less!!

The sacrifice the woman made thousands of years back....was NOT the because it was the most healthy choice.....but the only way for her to survive. She had to ensure her survival. What could she do --if not get married and be under protection of a man!!...

There are no wrongs and no rights here. There is nothing wrong in it being a male dominated society...and there is nothing wrong in women rising to power. There is nothing wrong in women leaving their family...or men leaving their family or one person choosing the other's over his own . The healthy system is a peaceful system. If its peaceful, it is healthy....if it is not..its unhealthy.

What is important is.......listen to yourself. What makes you happy? Life comes with choices....and everyone has a power to say 'no' to anything they don't like. Increase your confidence and belief in yourself and your choices. Don't fight or stay unhappy....accept an arrangement wholeheartedly---or just say 'no' to any arrangement that disturbs you a lot. Always have the capacity to survive well and work towards earning that capacity.

Sopciety is changing and women are putting their terms and conditions forward. If a billionaire woman/a star celebrity wants to marry a guy who has to leave his family to accept hers...a lot of men will willingly do it. . Change is inevitable and its happening. The change begins at the top people in a race..and trickles down gradually. change is not wrong..not right...it just happens.

Being at a balanced state is healthy....just that center of balance changes in a changing social structure.

 

My point in the whole philosophy was.
Advice to men: Be honest before and after marriage what do you expect from the girl. You KNOW you family's weaknesses. Don't hide, lie or cover them.....put them in black and white to the girl. e.g. If they are greedy, they are greedy...and you know it if they are.... stop justifying or rationalizing their actions....tell the girl honestly without covering up and ask her whether she can live with it or not. Let her have clear choices from which she can choose whether to live..or not live with your family.

Advice to women: if you don't want to live with his family...tell it right from the beginning. don't find faults with them that dont exist. be honest about what you want and what you believe in right from the beginning and accept the responsibilty of your choices without putting the blame on someone else.

Advice to in-laws: You didn't raise this girl...you have done nothing for her. Please let her live the way she wants to live. Its your son's choice to live with her. don't interfere with THEIR life!

Honesty is more important than following customs in my belief.

 

I think human brain and reactions are too complex to think on lines on how to align these perceptions well before there arises any problem.

Its only after the problem arises and if they're able to live thru the circumstances they become seasoned to accept each other the way they're or give up.

Prior to that people raise sons with some expectations and these days some people are also raising daughters with same expectation... its only when after marriage when a outsider (DIL) is brought into same roof under the celebration of marriage.. the huge conflict arises cos its quite difficult for an average person to revert the same way they're doing for their child/ parent.

 

Very nice thread and some nice points made. I think most of the problems happen because of the concept that the DIL will 'adjust' in the ILs home. Now, how much adjusting does the dil have to do depends on how her personality, her background, likes and dislikes match with the ILs. When there is a lot of similarity, there is not much adjusting to do, but if there is a wide gulf and all the adjusting has to come from the dil's side, there is going to be problems, resentment, unhappiness. Some dils can totally mould their personalities to their ILs liking, but not all dils can be expected to do that. we all have different abilities to do things.
More than anything else, if the adjustment is not happening, the dil should be given space and ILs should back off and let the young couple solve their matters.

 

All said and done, what if even after putting things honestly, if there are any deviations...how do you think that has to be handled?

A woman promising to take care of inlaws...doesnt want to after marriage
A Man who promised to let hiswife go to work...doesnt want to after marriage..
A woman promising to live with inlaws...doesnt want to after marriage...

what about these situations..where the spouses explained it and the other party agreed but doesnt want to after marriage...