please help me... i don't know what i should do....

shree29 · Feb 14, 2012

hi frnds hoping for your valuable words in solving my problem.... my husband is a trader and his work life is full of emotional variations... i being aware of his situation and emotional stress.... make him feel comfortable with what ever i can do... he sometimes will be very aggressive and even for a small issue he'l make huge scene and scolds me for being reason.... till date i do not know why i get scolded..... in the fact i'll have reduced most of his job... he'll never do even a single bit of household work... like he'l not even lock the door.. i'l have to do entire house hold work... when he is at home and free he'l order me do things saying that i don't know how to make things... and if i say any of my opinions in buying any household items or any other issues like arranging stuffs etc.. he says i dominate him and says that his opinions will not count in this house at all.... when he buys any of his gadgets he just says that he is going to buy... if i say to reconsider or sometimes oppose he says that he cant buy anything for himself and so ...

but the fact is ... i've only kitchen utensils that too half of them according to my will and wish... and i normally do not oppose him... and i keep my home in a well organised way with whatever is given to me... if i spend something on me he yells at me saying that i do not know the value of money.... and he says that i cant even go and work.... truth is i was working before marriage.... and now if i say that i continue working.... he says that you girls will be so head strong that you ppl will not give a damn about anyone if you start working... and he also says that to be precise threatens that if i work he will not be compromising on household activities... that means he doesn't want a bit to be changed in his routine... i'll tell you what is stopping me from work .. his timings.. morn 11.15 to night 12.30 .. he'l not lock the doors in night... he has a habit of drinking milk before sleeping which i should serve... basically i should be awake till 1am... and wakeup by 6.. yes he will not allow me to have my part of sleep ... i have to take my nap in noon... so going back to my field of s/w work to companies is ruled out as he will not allow me to go out before he leaves for office.... and also says that he earns enough to family...

and coming to family he always condemns my family saying that they are not proper.... and his family is the best one in world with no problems... etc etc... his mom ie my mil is also very dominating and very personally abusive (she has the 30 % qualities of 80's old mils) i agree that there will be differences and one should try to solve them...

but whenever i visit his parent's place(we both leave in another city.. and no one else is staying with us) we both usually quarrel a lot... i just cant handle situations there they keep questioning my patience level....
which in the mean time will erupt...

now coming to problem... i feel my husband has a lot of insecurities... he always abuse me emotionally... hurts my feelings... call me words which never existed in my dictionary before marriage... he makes me think that i'm worth less... and he often says that he can any day abandon my family from me... and it'll be in such a way that i do not have any other option other than acting according to his rules and wishes...

he always projects me as the sole decision maker of the family in front of friends and extended family members but.. fact is that i don't even have 1% of the right.... i've been rectifying and adjusting to him from day 1 of our 3yrs marriage.. but still every time even though i do the right thing i'll be the one who should feel guilty ... i should ask Sorry for even his mistake... according to him he never ever does any mistake...

if i be a rebel sometimes out of my impatience then... the quarrel will take huge curves and turns in such a way that his abuse will last for 3 days ... normally i do not loose my cool... i try to handle it... but some times i really feel fed up... i feel depressed that sometimes i even feel of killing myself... then i console myself thats hasty decision i'll be making...

my problem is that i do not know how to handle this person... who acts soo well in front of others and be abusive emotionaly when i'm alone...
and i don't know whether this is a problem with him... i come from a very well to do family both financially and emotionally... his family is a bit less in financial terms... and there is a serious lack of parent and kid love... he is the only kid and they all believe in detached relationships.... they don't actually care for anyone ... and they are all verbal in their opinions... but i'm not allowed to be... my mil always qoute that "first its always her, then her husband and then her son" ... i'm not even in their count.... but they expect me to treat them as my parents... which i do seriously... (thats how my mom taught me to be) even after being adjusted to this family i always end up being a reason for quarrels without me knowing the reason....

please tell me what should i do... i can just breakup with him and lead a very normal good life as i've a good backing and education.... but i want everything to workout well... tell me where i'm going wrong... or should i fight for my rights in family and say ***k **u to them... sometimes i feel doing that seriously...... please help...

ssm014 · Feb 14, 2012

First of all....a big hug to you dear...for hanging in there so far..!! you seem to be going through a lot...

Is this an arranged match ? were you able to spend time with ecah other during courtship and get any hints about his behaviours, moods etc.

Before you think of drastic steps, ask yourself this question..Do you LOVE this man and see him as Father of your future child? If yes, then you will have to work on the marriage...(i know it sounds easier sitting away ....)

If the answer is a Genuine NO, and you are confident of starting afresh mentally/ financially etc and have family backing....you can take a small step by working or looking for a job. (wfh options..?) if that is not feasible, maybe a course or a degree that takes you out of the house for a few hours everyday.. just think whats the worst that will happen if you go out for your interests..It may not get worser...
You mentioned that he doesnt help you in chores, but is it possible to hire domestic help. For Eg: you dont have to swab the floors everyday for instance....this will give you some respite and give some time for yourself..

Overall it seems your husband is taking you for granted and you are letting him treat you badly..

In fact job/ course will build your confidence and give you indication of what his actual reactiosns are when you are somehat independent

Wish you loads of strength...

shree29 · Feb 14, 2012

thanks for that reply.... yup this is an arranged marriage ... and no we did not get much time to know each other it was only a month we got.... mainly on phone and only on weekends we used to meet... so totally 8 days of meeting him in person before marriage... if i think of it now i feel i was fooled... hmm whatever... coming to working and course i did my masters in the first year of marriage ... for which he half funded(for 2 sem)... though i'm interested in studying more... he strictly said that he'l not be funding me anymore... i don't want to ask my dad as he'l ask me why my husband is not doing and more... so kept quite...and i do take up web designing projects since i'm not able to go and advertise my skills i get minimum projects (say 2-3) a year which is very less and i usually do free work for ngo s so as for as payment it may come or may not.. i'm actually thinking on joining for a job... hope i get one good job...

but i tell you its tough to follow some ones instructions throught your life even for regular day to day course...

bukbuk · Feb 14, 2012

When you say abuse it is mental abuse or physical abuse as well? And why does he call you names? What provokes him?

I agree your milk- drinking h looks like a MCP, but one of the main reasons for your discontent is bcoz you had a work life before and now you don't. you have lot of time to worry and have No money of your own to spend. Perhaps you should consider going to work? It's a bit hard to manage house and work single-handedly but I guess it's still better than the life you are having now. On the other hand if you breakup with him, what's your next plan of action? Live the life of a divorcee or go for another arranged marriage? There are lot of chances that he may try out to be a MCP as well.

If you want peace in this one, don't provoke your husband and give him a chance to quarrel. I don't know why you must mention that your family is excellent and his is not - he's surely not going to be amused when you say that. This was an arranged marriage, your parents chose him and his family. So there's no point passing the buck to his family now!

Of course, if there is physical abuse in your marriage,all my 'insightful' advices are nullified. In that case, you need to go talk to police.

shree29 · Feb 14, 2012

@bukbuk.: its mental abuse.. when he is in his aggressive mode he calls name... he cannot tolerate when i tell him my opinion or when my opinion works best... i have time ... but i dont have money... though i'm a millionaire.... i've left my money with my dad... i am not sure that i can maintain it without hurting myself... i am leading my life with what ever my hubby earns and gives me... his job pays him good...
i've plans for my life without him... if at all i break up... i agree that i may get another mcp... but i'm not planning on that front...

helping him and doing his job and reducing his burden is what you call provoking ... then sorry i cant do that ... i'm bound to do that.. why i mentioned my family is excellent is because everytime he abuses me through is words he'l compare my family to his... which humiliates me... and his family never stood by his decision of getting me married to him.... they accepted me only because he had chosen me... i told you there is no attachment in his family... my pils always want all the public attention which my dad and my family gets but at the back they'll be passing comments... thats why i mentioned families here....

amri24 · Feb 14, 2012

Even mine is same as yours but I’m working because they want my money to run the family and my husband saves his salary for his future. My H will never start a fight he will keep everything in his heart and sit idle avoiding me but I cannot be like that staying in the same house but not talking to each other is horrible, I used to go and cry and say sorry for his mistakes. After that I realize my mistakes I cannot avoid it now he is taking advantage of my character and expecting the same. I don’t know y the mothers are brainwashing their son and want only their daughters to live happily with their husbands.

ssm014 · Feb 14, 2012

Dear

First solution would be to get a job...any job

There are so many BPOs..medical transciption or back office (non voice) that look for people irrespective of their non MBA etc....Maybe you can check that in your city. hours are fixed and pay is decent....that will help you build a corpus for Masters...?

shree29 · Feb 14, 2012

yup... i'll do that..... thank you... for letting me know that i'm working on right path....

bukbuk · Feb 14, 2012

I never said helping him and doing his job etc. is provoking. Did I say that? Its your h and your life; i was only offering a suggestion because you came to a public forum and asked for it. If you don't appreciate that, it's not my problem and I've nothing to lose. Good luck with your h and your marriage!

tanoshii · Feb 15, 2012

Being the only child in a family can make people see things a certain way. I am not saying that every single child is like that, but I have seen many in my family who behave differently when they have not had siblings to squabble with or share their life with.

Your husband's view of married life maybe to be the sole controller. The idea of sharing his life with you may not have settled in him yet. He does seem to have a lot going on in his head. Is he always that irritated with you? Or is it only when you try to say something? And is he much older than you?

Getting a job and being out of the monotony of your domestic chores and tension could help you. You've seem to have been quite patient so far, but it might need a lot more to deal with him. He has to deal with the fact that there won't be someone to hold him near and dear and serve him for eternity while he throws his weight around. You are two adults sharing a life and not master and servant. Ignore him when he is being petty. Just ask him calmly as to what his problem is and if it can be dealt with, what would be the solution?

As for the detached relationship, ignore it. I understand what you mean cos I know people who are like that in my own family. I've seen them be very opinionated about others while they themselves aren't exactly perfect. In fact they are almost always the exact opposite. Its like they live and believe in just their own small little world. Once you just keep the relationship there "professional" things will fall into place. Talk when you need to, what you need to and do what you think is right for the family. What comes after it, good or bad, ignore it completely. Don't expect them to praise you or appreciate you for your patience. As long as you are happy with yourself, don't bother about the rest.

Wish you the best.