How to live happily with an unloving spouse?

justanothergirl · Dec 16, 2011

What is and isn't a major problem in a marriage is very subjective. Lack of romance/loving gestures from a spouse can be very damaging even in an otherwise 'perfect' marriage .
Yes its a common problem in many marriages post children ...but that doesn't make it any easier on the
wife(or the husband if it was the other way around) who yearns for affection and some physical
demonstration of it like cuddling ..holding hands ..or a few words of appreciation. Is the OP really asking for much ?
From OPs post..she has tried to initiate ..he is not willing to reciprocate. I really wish I had a good suggestion but unfortunately no ...hugs is all I can say!

unhappywife · Dec 16, 2011

Thank you so much.. Hmm, no I am slim and dress up very well than a working woman does.. No one can really say I am married with 2 kids. I also cook good food.. I treat his parents well and talk to his mom well every week for almost 2 hours. I never complaint about his folks. Not even a word. Earlier years of marriage, I used to be talking about his parents and fight with him.. Last few years, I never do that and in good terms with inlaws..

I am working from home for 2 companies online. So, i am already busy with work during the day. We watch movies at home after putting the kids to sleep in the weekends.. I have insisted him to call. So he calls me from office twice in a day, but he hardly has anything to talk.. He asks about kids and house-hold work.. He says I am calling only because you are wanting me to call. Otherwise, I don't have anything to talk and occupied with work.

As one of you'll said, some men behave cold to their wife just like older generation.. The more I talk to him about it, he becomes very conscious and makes sure he doesn't even ask or does such acts in future. I already told to him I am upset that he is not asking about my health when I am sick. He said men are like that.. Now he sees to that he doesn't even ask me even if i fall down or something accidental happens.. He says I don't like holding hands.. If you want to experience such things, you have to marry a different person and it cannot happen with me ..

1Sandhya · Dec 16, 2011

This is v. common problem among NRIs. materially there is everything but due to distance from home country the wife becomes v. dependent on husband for each and every thing. here i am referring to emotional needs. it could be that he loves you -- but way of showing is not how you like. you will have to adjust your expectations from him. Also the more minor needs you shd try to fulfill on your own. So overall he is there in picture fulfilling most impt needs but others are being satisfied by others in your life, like your nurture needs by your children (hugging kissing showing love and concern with them), or your mom, some other socially directed ones by going out with your girlfriends ( go for massage or to the spa, movies etc) and so on. MAke him a part of the entire picture, not the whole and sole anchor of it. As these needs get fulfilled you will detach /step away mentally he will himself follow or volunteer affection. From your description I feel there is nothing wrong in your marriage, but maybe expections will need adjustment and balancing. Dont expect some Bollywood movie level of nurturing adjust to what the real person is and is capable of. I think he is trying to accomodate you becos even if nothing to talk he calls you 2X a day just because you asked. So I disagree he is unloving h. Re: the doesnt even ask if i am sick issue -- some men are like that. They will take a pill if they have headache or fever and will keep quiet, no need for song and dance. In some Other families the habit is they will do lot of talking and oh-ing and ah-ing that somebody is sick. Both ways are correct. So you may have to make some compromises.

flowerlady · Dec 16, 2011

Since you are a SAHM you are missing human interaction as you see only your kids and DH on a daily basis. Whereas your DH is going to office and interacting with so many people and fulfilling his social needs.
He appears to be a good father and husband.
Romance does take a back seat after a couple of years of marriage. You have written that he is a bit aloof from his own family members , so you need not feel bad.
Maybe he is finding you too needy and clingy.
Try and cultivate your own friends circle and have a social life of your own.

anjananathan · Dec 16, 2011

tell him, generalisation like "Men are like that " does not work in marriage.. men has to change a little for women and women has to change a little for men.. i found him cold when he replied that he called you just bcos u asked to call him.. though that could be true, he need not say straight on the face .. can he say that to his mother?

so tell him though men are like this, if ur wife expect something, you can always do.. end of the day all that matters is love/affection in air and not money..

my hubby is also not communicative.. he cant open his mouth and say i love you or sorry when he did mistake..no kids till now and we have not even completed 1 year..even i feel bad as at parents home its totally different and my family shower me love as i am the youngest..

so one day i asked him, what is your way of showing love.. he told

1) packing breakfast for you..
2) when u leave for office, i start ur two wheeler and keep it ready..
3) helping you in kitchen ..

and so on.. the one we thinks as trivial/duty, for them it is showing their love.. but i ask him 100 times whether he loves me, that time also he won't say i love u, instead he would say " otherwise why would i marry you and be with you".. looks like their hormones work that way .. they don't show love and act soft like SRK.. ha ha

so go and ask him or send him a mail " what are you ways of showing love to me" ?

be happy

kiranavvari · Dec 16, 2011

Dear Unhappywife,

Hugs to you!! this is what all I can say, as I am also sailing the same boat like you. Difference is I am in India, working full time in IT.

My DH is from beginning like that, doesn't talk at all. And, he doesn't do much for my daughter as well. He takes us out occassionally, but that would be of his choice always, and any disagreement would lead to fight, and canceling the program altogether. And, a silent treatment at least for 10 days. To avoid all this drama, I just follow him. I tried to occupy myself with hobbies, but that wouldn't fill up the vaccum that is getting bigger and bigger everyday. I spoke to him openly about this, no response. When I asked him again about same thing, there would be a fight. When insisted, He says that I am not responding to him properly. I tried all possible ways to spend time with him, but his response wouldn't be much. I send him SMS/mails sometime appreciating him, sometimes giving just "I Love You" , I end up in confusion whether he read the message or not. When I ask him, he would say, yes I read, and I forgot about it. Don't want to talk about it. Its past. I don't know really what to do.

He always want to see me smiling, and with full energy by the time he comes home, and with good food cooked and served to him in a nice manner. Taken care of Daughter's school work, everything should be taken care off, and there shouldn't be absolutely any complaints. If I need to fulfill all his wishes, I should be a SAHM. In that case also, he will still be unhappy, because he wants to me share expenses as well. I feel that I should always wear a smiley mask that he get motivated to talk to me. Always smiley, beautiful face. Trying a lot to be positive, but My positive energies are getting drained, when I dont' get any response.

As a last resort, I am planning the following things:

-Always play comedy movies like good old Charlie Chaplin or etc. so that I would always be laughing
-Go for laughing therapy and counselling. Laughing Therapy in a hope that if I get any negative thought, I should start laughing, probably that would give smile on his face. Counselling in a hope that it may help me to stay positive always.

Sorry, got deviated from your post, and vent out my emotions. But any other options to try out are always welcome for me as well.

blessed · Dec 16, 2011

Dear OP

From all your post I feel your DH is very much caring except that he is not demonstrative... from what he does to you and your kids is one way to show you that he still loves you.. it need not be with words " I love you" or hold your hands and cuddle you in public. Men find it to dramatic and shy in public to show their love, for them it is only in the bed room and even in front of the kids... to tell you the truth 90% of the men are like this.. only if you find this as a problem then u feel your DH is lacking in emotions otherwise just accept the reality and you will feel u have a great married life.
By the way when I am shopping with my DH in Malls etc he will walk so fast that I have to be running behind him..:bonk. leave alone holding hands:hiya

nandita24 · Dec 16, 2011

That is why I am against marriage. More time is spent in finding solutions to marital problems . Why get married at all esp., after seeing the many risks of a unhappy life ahead (by looking around at others' experiences) and getting stuck forever in dissatisfaction.

Explore alternatives.

Nandita

unhappywife · Dec 16, 2011

Thanks all. I don't remember each of your names but I am glad everyone poured in valuable advice and suggestions.

@Flowerlady,

What you said is exactly right. He has people to socialize at work. He talks about news, movies and everything there. But won't open up at home unless I ask him about some movie or news. I am working from home and constantly busy. I can't even go out during the day and evening it gets very cold here.. But I make some time to go to library once in a week and get books for me and kids. He doesn't like socializing too.. He won't invite any of his friends home or will not like me calling someone as a family to my house. He will say it will be too much of work with 2 kids. We have to clean the house, you got to cook something if you invite some one. With my busy schedule, I hardly get time to talk to anyone other than my husband and kids. With this kind of set up, I don't have any human being to interact. On the other hand, all my neighbors are busy working and with kids. They don't even have time to stop and say a hi. .. But he is working in a company where all his colleagues are indians. So he gets time to talk with them and go out for lunch..

But initial months before marriage and after engagement, he used to call me 5 to 6 times a day, although we won't have much to talk. He will simply call to find out what i ate or just to talk to me.. I think men change after marrying and living under the same roof with the same person for years..

Whenever he refuses to hold my hand, my 3.5 year old comes and gives me a big hug saying "amma, why appa is not holding your hand? I will hold your hand and she will give a kiss to me asking me not to worry"

@Kiranvaari,

Hugs to you girl.. I am happy that you are working full time.. Also, its good that you are in India where you get to see your folks and relatives.. Here life is different.. You won't have anyone to talk unless you make friends or go to work in the US.

I know some men are cold and they would never change. They often remain silent to the wife. Its better you stop sending him I Love You messages.. I guess men move away when women go behind them.. I used to send I Love You and I miss you greeting cards, but he will not even open those.. When I ask, he will say why do you send such things..So I stopped sending him such things.. I think to myself that he simply doesn't deserve my love.

Because he is my spouse and my kids need their father very much, I am not able to ignore him altogether. Even if i do that, he will be more happy sitting at home with his laptop. I am really breaking my heads to find a solution for this problem. I am sure the ILites advice and suggestions would help you as well.

To one of the Ilites (sorry i don't remember your name)

Not all marriages are bad. It totally depends on the person whom you are marrying and his family. I guess there are few Indian men who shower love and respect to their wife.

flowerlady · Dec 16, 2011

Unhappywife,
Since your DH has his colleagues to talk and joke with only you are out of the loop.
Have a get together at home or outdoors, a picnic .
You can invite his office people home, ok it will lots of work but you will make so many friends. Plan a small get-together witha few couples . Maybe they will call you over too.
Make the effort , it will also break the monotonus life.Your world will expand.
Its nice to talk about stuff with other people , even gossip is good therapy!

PS -The courtship/honeymoon phase gets over in all marriages , get a new equation with DH.