Life is a question mark for me now !!!!

burningsoul · Nov 20, 2011

Dear all,

I am a frequent visitor of this site and get consoled by many of you ,directly and indirectly ..I have posted few threads here ,for the last 2 years ..

Now again I am in a dilemma ,on what to do .
My life in short for those who havent read my earlier posts ..

I got married 4 years back.,and had a bundle of problems and fight with my Husband ,and as a result I had to quit my job and come along with him to US.He was a monster in those days :rant and I dont know how I tolerated it all . Our sex life was not good in that time , may be once in three or four months when I cry and plead . After 2 years of marriage we came to US ,and I dont know how, he changed to a nice man, well behaved and caring .BUT ....the one thing lacked is sex life ..So at that time I posted a thread in IL and got some suggestions. I decided to wait (majorly because he showed some behavioral changes that time ,so I expected he may change in this matter too )and now its almost two years since we had sex. NO CHANGE AT ALL ...We had occasional fights over this and in all those times , he told me that due to our earlier fight life (first 2 years of marriage )he went emotionally away from me ,and he needs time to change . otherwise sex will be mechanical ,which he doesnt want ..My mom and both his parents know about this.His parents are thinking that he has some physical issues, and they are forcing him to consult a dr . He avoid them by saying he has no physical issue ,only emotional issues. he doesnt say this to his parents ,he says this to me .he says he cant explain his situation to them over phone .
He is not showing any improvement and or not trying to have a sexual intimacy in this 2 years .Only cuddling and kissing on my neck . There he puts the full stop, and when I try to do a move ,he pushes me away and makes an angry sound . He is 32 now,and I am 29 .
Yesterday we had talk over this again .I asked him whether he felt anything sexual towards me in the last two years ?He said NO :spin .He says he understands my feelings and my biological needs ,but helpless :bonk

DONT YOU THINK 2 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO CHANGE ,OR ATLEAST TO HAVE A FEELING TOWARDS ME ??

I have a 50-50 mind towards breaking this relation and going for a divorce , thinking about my parents .I dont want to break their heart .. I am angry towrads my Husband , fro making me quit my job and making me a dependent house "wife" be cause of his chauvinistic ,non cooperative behavior(it will be there in my mind till my death ) I am ready to forget this if i get a real family life ..ie i can make my mind believe that i quit my profession for family .I put " .." to wife because i dont get the rights of wife ..its only in passport and marraige certificate

You know ,our Indian relatives including parents, they want to see baby 1 year after marraige . all these relatives are eating our head and i cant say anything to them except parents ,abut this. His frineds too are asking him .

He heard from somewhere about IUI , and he asked me if I am ready for it. But his demand is that ,nobody should know about it , even our parents should not be knowing..

I said I will have to think ..

He is very interested in this IUI. Does he want to show the world that he is a MAN ??
One more thing is that I have PCOS.
He says even if his attitude changes, we may have to see some infertility specialist because of my PCOS to have a baby.
Moreover my doctor said it is better have baby earlier.

He says - we will have baby now , and will have a real happy married life later when his attitude changes .I dont believe this beause i dont think he is gng to change. I think he wants to show others that he is a man ,and we are having happy life, and make me silent on this sex issue

I am very worried that I quit my job for a happy family life , and now I dont have a family life

He even doesnt like me kissing him on cheeks , he will wipe with clothes immediately after that.He says he feel wetness, and he doesnt like that:bowdown

What to do dears ??Leave or live and wait ??:confused2:
WILL I BE A TOTAL LOSER AT THE END OF THE DAY ??

p.s. He doesn't want to meet a Dr, either a physician ,or psychologist .He says they cant help him ,only his mind and time can heal him.

hemalathaK · Nov 20, 2011

Dear burning soul, from your post what I can understand is that he is not going to change.

One thing I am very sure.Most of the men don't connect emotional needs with physical needs and also they don't wait for the wife to initiate the sex.Not even a week they can withstand from having sex.Only women do that.

Your husband is simply telling you some useless reasons.He will not change.And yes you are right, he wants to show the world that he is a man.That's it.Please don't opt for IUI and don't waste your life.

Come out from your marriage and live a better life.God bless you.

burningsoul · Nov 20, 2011

hemalathaK

Thannks for ur reply

I dont think my parents can survive my divorce ..I was thinking of getting separated from him and coming back to India and find a job or do higher studies.I think keeping away from him, will heal my mind .
When I discussed this, he says if I am away from him, it will have a negative effect and he will never change.

Other than this sex issue, there is no other issues in our life -as of now -
He takes good care of me, takes me out for food, buys me anything I want ..decides finances together. he has no bad habits-no smoking,drinking etc ,
No inlaw problems

peartree · Nov 20, 2011

Burningsoul... you may get offended by this, but have you considered the possibility that he might not be attracted to women at all?

Also, when you both feel like you are lacking emotional connection, how do you think a baby might solve the problem? Please let him know that having a baby to merely make relatives shut up is not a good idea.

sripree · Nov 20, 2011

burningsoul said: ↑

Our sex life was not good in that time , may be once in three or four months when I cry and plead
Click to expand...

I think your parents are right. He probably has some physical problem. This is a pattern I have seen with quite a few women including myself. Of course, it could be an exception. Let's not rule that out.

Some men just don't have a desire for sex. Period. This could be because of a number of reasons:

- their sexual preference is not towards women - have you ever wondered if he is perhaps homosexual who was too scared to tell the world about his sexuality?

- they have some issue with their sexual organs - in our society, it is a taboo to discuss this. In the few times that you have had sex with your husband, have you ever noticed any abnormalities? Have you had sex with anyone else other than your husband, before marriage, to be able to identify this sort of thing or tell the difference? If not, how do you know what you are seeing is not actually abnormal? (Sorry if I offended you - premarital sex is pretty common these days, that's why - nothing to do with you)

- they have a secret affair - you said that his behaviour has drastically changed. Have you ever wondered if this is because he just wants to have a smooth relationship with you while having a real relationship with someone else - be it with another man or a woman?

- they are perpetrators of subtle form of abuse - is he doing this to derive some kind of sadistic pleasure, gain power over you, make you feel bad about yourself or anything else? You mentioned bad temper - could this perhaps be an extension of his previous behaviour? (Sorry, I haven't read your previous posts, so I am just shooting in the dark.)

Just a quick note, not giving sex to the partner in a marriage is considered sexual abuse. My divorce was based on my ex-husband's unwillingness to have sex with me.

Men are like that, they want the whole world to think they are macho and sprout sperm left, right and centre. I've heard many of these cases. When women ask for sex they are branded a slut. Further, I've heard stories where the blame is put on them and the husband and in-laws will treat you badly and try to reverse it on you. In my case, I was branded 'mentally challenged'.

Anyway, your case might not be that extreme, but just be wary. I have seen this pattern before and hence the urge to write to you. Your husband is keen on you to have a baby because that way it becomes harder for you to leave him. He's probably nice to you now because, earlier with his bad behaviour, you might've left him. And once you leave him, you might tell the whole world that he is not 'man enough'. Is he trying to keep you bound in silence to protect his lack of sexual will?

One more thing. If a man denies you sex by telling you that he doesn't 'feel' it for you and you need to do stuff to get back into his good books, it is considered emotional abuse by the courts of law. This is exactly what my ex-husband told me and he paid heavily (in cash!) for it :wow

All said and done, you are the one facing it and you need to make your own decisions with a clear and rational mind, as hard as it might seem.

I wish you all the very best! Divorce has been the best thing that happened to me. But this might necessarily apply to everyone. Think it through Good luck sister

burningsoul · Nov 20, 2011

sripree ..thanks for ur reply
-NO,he is not homosexual I am sure about that
-No i dont have previous exp..But I felt he has some problem while on IC.He gets tired very soon, and he was afraid of his pain .When last time we had sex-2 years back- ( to have a baby with US citizenship) He tried to use condom and put hole on it !!!he didnt have ejaculation and he got some bruises on his thing due to continuous thrushing .and from that time he is keeping away from sex.
one more thing- he is abnormally double exxxxtra hygienic , goes to take bath immediately after sex . without touching anywhere ..There are other day-today activities which he does with this behavior.
-
NO - he doesnt go out without me.he is wrkng frm home fulltime for the last 2years - mon-fri full year

"If a man denies you sex by telling you that he doesn't 'feel' it for you and you need to do stuff to get back into his good books," EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS TO ME

sripree · Nov 20, 2011

Well, it looks like he does have some issue with his sexual organs. Are you sure he gets hard enough? You mentioned he didn't ejaculate? Are you / him able to do an external ejaculation / masturbation? Have you ever tried? Most men ejaculate once a week or fortnight automatically if they do not masturbate / have intercourse. Do you know if he pleasures himself in private?

You also mentioned that he was scared of pain. I've had multiple sexual partners in my life (enough to know from experience), that men don't usually don't have pain during intercourse, unless there is some other problem associated with it. Also, men usually don't get bruised by thrusting. Did you personally see those bruises? Are you sure he didn't make them up?

Sorry if I am getting too personal. Only trying to get a clearer picture to understand what you are going through.

Clearly, there is a need to see a doctor. This kind of pain and bruising is unusual. Also, making the wife think that it is due to her fault that the sexual life is stagnating is a very common bait that men with sexual disorders use to propagate their denial. He is emotionally abusing you. Let me tell you, 2 years without sex is not at all normal. Honestly, you are very patient!

If I were you, I'd ask him to see a doctor immediately. If he cares enough about you, he'd agree to seek medical help. If not, then, you must try to persuade him or should perhaps consider a divorce. Don't get into a state where he tells you what to do. Imagine, if you had denied sex to him for 2 years. What would he say and what would his parents say?

burningsoul · Nov 20, 2011

I guess he doesnt have any interest in sex at all..i have heard men watching ****,blue films etc. but he is not even interetsd in a double meaning joke :bonk

I relate this and his abnormal hygeinic nature to a strict mother who brought up him,with a father working away from and visits home once in a month for 2-3 days for his entire life .

He looks at beautiful girls ,while we go out. I guess he masturbates ,by lying face down in bed in the morning while i am wrking in kitchen :hide:..( he and his brothers used to sleep in the same room with MIL-is there any relation ??)
But his elder bro is happily married and have kids

burningsoul · Nov 20, 2011

I saw the bruises myself.
I guess it was because his foreskin was not gng back .(His mom confided to me that ,his father too had this foreskin problem initially ,and he met a Dr. secretly and cleared the problem)
if you had denied sex to him for 2 years. What would he say and what would his parents say?
I asked him the same question, he said he would have waited !!!!he said like that, just to win the arguement .
i know he wont do it,as he made me quit my job ,because we didnt say him before marriage ,that my job is transferable ...

He doesn't want to meet a Dr, either a physician ,or psychologist .He says they cant help him ,only his mind and time can heal him.

sripree · Nov 20, 2011

This sounds exactly like my ex-husband. My ex-husband also had no interest in sex. He had a problem with his sexual organs. But never acknowledged it. There might be many factors that lead to this sort of behaviour. But, there is very little point analysing why he is like this now. The fact is that he is like this. What do you do next to make sure you suffer as little as possible. Of course, you totally deserve a great sex life! Everyone does! It's your right.

Now we have that straight. You now have to decide on what you are going to do next.

Option 1: Fix the situation - try to cure his medical problem and then perhaps you could have a normal sex life.

Option 2: Both of you come to a compromise - Discuss with your husband and try to come up with something that works for both of you. This could be anything. But both of you have to agree on a solution to the problem. You could perhaps agree to have sex once in 2 weeks. It's not an ideal situation for both of you, but it is an example of how you could do this.

Option 3: Learn to live with it - If you think or decide sex is not a big enough or important reason for you to break your marriage, then learn to accept it and live happily with what you have. If you keep thinking about it, you'll only spoil your peace of mind. Do something about it. It's about time you made a decision. There are other ways to pleasure yourself. I find that I always have better orgasms when I pleasure myself (masturbate) than when I have sex with my DH (my second DH, not first :2thumbsup. Explore yourself if you haven't already. There are plenty of resources on the net on how to pleasure yourself. Honestly, once you learn how to pleasure yourself, it fills a big void. It is super-satisfying! Like a big volcano erupting within you

Option 4: Decide to get a divorce. You totally deserve a great sex life and more importantly, someone who respects your needs and emotions. You need someone who respects you for you. And it's totally cool to divorce someone for not respecting your bodily needs. I did it. So can you

But whatever you decide, do it quick and do it with a clear mind. It has to be your personal decision!