Problem in my married Life

TamilJana · Nov 15, 2011

Hi Friends,

Hope all are fine..And i am already a member to this site and as i was not loged in for long time i forgot my username so again starting.

I am Tamilarasi and was got married recently in july 2011 only.It was an full and fully Arranged marriage.I m hesitate to tell my problem and it is a big issue.

First of all i hate to marry in close relation.But for me it happend like that only.My mom and dad itself is close relation (dad married akka ponnu) so very close.As such for me guy is my dad's sis son and for my mom he is chithi son like tat.Hope u all understood or else think it is very close.

I finished my gradua and was searching for a job in chennai stayed in relatives house.That time he was working in chennai.He use to take me wherever i need to go like attending interviews like that as i was new to city.

So i thought he is very much helpful and also he had affection on me that i m his akka ponnu.I dont have affection and all to be frankly say.I go wid him and use to speak nicely like a friend.

After then i got a job in bangalore and i went.He got job abroad and went.He was less educated than me.After he went there he use to call to me and all of our family members (ours is big family) weekly once and speak and also speak casually and use to tell everytihng we both are very much affection on our family.

From there he gave me money to buy a mobile thru his mother(aunty for me) i was happy and bought,after then he bought me a file.After then while he visited india he bought me a watch.My mother and all were happy but that time i was nt happy and thought ayyayo he is dng lik this then elders will try to tie up na like that..

But he use to tell me that when purchasing watch and other things i thought u as a sister others were buying to their sisters so i thought u only lik that.even i had that feeling only like a friend,brother..And his family also they were 3 boys.So he use to tell i dont hav sisters and think u as a sister.So i was happy.And sometimes use to mail as hi sister nd i as hi brother like that.

But my fate is that i got married to him..Yes... When i was working in bangalore i was trying abroad and got job offer in singapore and i went there.He use to call there also.But our talks were causal only.One day i got a news tat there was talk abt our mrge when i was chating wid his brother.

I was shocked and he too.At that time i asked my mom she told without ur wish we wont do anything like that.But when i went to india they confused me and married to him.As ours is village each and every talks will be known to whole village.Bfore that we both had arguements and atlast he said tat family relationship is important and he can change and live wid me lik that.Adn he asked me if they ask what to tell like that (means he was depended on me to accept for marriage). Ihate that guys depended on girl.

And i said i tried to compromise but i cant u pls try to tell them tat i cant live wid her an thinking her as a sister like that.

But When my grandma asked him he said ok ur wish like that.
Thats all over.Marriage over.But after then only statred i started hating him and i dont have any feelings wid him.Even if i tried to talk wid him also i cant.So after 5 months i came to him abraod for 3 months and will go bak by jan end.I tried a lot to mingle but truly say i cant speak and see him at all.and hate to talk wid him.

When i was in hostel,after commited he use to call me as other lovers or engaged people use to speka in fone nite times like tat.Many times i try to avoid the calls.And also if we talk the talks will be very causal there wont be any feelings or romance nothing.

Now i m totally depressed and never talk to him and later he cried to his younger brother tat i dont talk to him lik tat.and he told to his father and his father told to my uncle.After then everyone scolded me and adviced me a lot.All use to tell prestige issue pls dont do anything like that.

After marriage he arranegd for ooty trip 2 days trip and went in car.In car itself he tried to sit near to me at tat time itself i cried and told everything tat i dont hav any feelings like that.So he also understood my feelings and now we both r ready to get separated but thinking of family and relationship only...

Pls friends tell me i have taken the decision to get separated strong in that but i dont know how to compromise everyone..

If we get separated only both of our lives not wasted...

Give me some suggesstiongs pls...

If anything dont understand pls ask me..

Tamil..

Priya16 · Nov 15, 2011

Tamil,

After reading your story,I feel,he always have feeling for you.And sometimes he covered up as name of sister.That's all it is.
It's really upto you,how you wanted to take the relation.

What are the factors you hate him?

You might have some X,Y,Z characters in your dream boy.But in reality,it's very rare to get those characters in a person.
One person can be very educated and talented and not depended on women but he can be abusive at home.You never know a person until you live with him.

So come to reality and really think and take a decision.

All the best!!!!

psych · Nov 15, 2011

well...you did get married to him...this guy seems to be a decent guy. The next marriage will also be arranged for you. What is the likelyhood you will get a decent guy with a decent family who loves you??

Since this is common in your community, you could try some mroe before calling it quits. What is it that makes you hate him?? you were casual friends before. So try to be friends first (instead of a wife). and see if that friendship can turn into love. if it does then you will be happy. If it doesnt then you can always separate

But since you married him (you are educated and working), you do need to do due diligence of making it work

samar85 · Nov 16, 2011

Hi Tamil,

I feel your husband is a very mature and well mannered ..It seems he loves you alot.As you stated he is less educated than you do..If you will always think in that way you both will end up being separated..Just Forget all your pasts...You are already married to him so first of all freshly start a new life... Leave your ego behind and try to do take care of him.. Make him as your best friend,never think thet he is another person you both are one.and share all your feelings not the negative ones but all the positive ones.Go for long drives ,bake a cake ,make new recipes try all the craziest things...

You know what before marriage we always dream alot about our dream boy to be handsome well educated,well setteled and finally when we get marry to a simple and sober guys we never understand their feelings that how much they care and love us and we always hanker after our dreams.To be happy ...is the basic human nature .....we think that money and power Will bring us happiness ....but this is not true...The truth is we need Love ,care and affection..And i feel he is the right guy..

I want to relate a story on this context...once i was rushing to an interview in bangalore and i cant find any taxi or auto to drop me at the interview address...so i was praying to god and by god miracle one auto came and i said to drop me at the interview address but he said its already booked and i cant take you then somehow i convinced him and he agreed to take me..then the driver was talking to me and said i have to share this auto with his wife as she was working in the same route where am going to the interview..And i was astonised to see that lady who came inside the auto she was so beautiful and working in an MNC ...I was wonder struck to see this an autorikshaw wife is workin in MNC and how they have balanced their lives and their conversation seemed to be so loving..

You are well educated and you know how to save your marriage..Best of Luck.

Thanks

Prettina · Nov 16, 2011

Firstly you shouldn't have married him at all..
If you are so adamant or hate him to see as your husband..
This stubbornness you should have shown to your parents not to this poor boy after marriage..
Accept your life and try to be happy..
You have no problems, you are creating it..

inlovewithmylyf · Nov 16, 2011

Tamil, if u think u cannot see him as ur husband, then u should not have agreed to this marriage in the first place... Both of u called each other brother n sister, n then due to pressure or prestige issue or whatever u got married... Nothing can be done about tht now... If u were sooo stubborn, u should have never agreed to this marriage... Now, ur soo stubborn saying u wanna divorce him... U should have done this before marriage... But it never happened... Forget it, past is past... U have got a nice guy... U say he is less educated... But he is behaving nicely n decent like how people expect a well educated person to behave... U said u dont wanna get close to him n he did accept right?? Till now, he has been good to u, though u have not shown any interest in him... So, just understand him... U both gave preference to ur family n agreed to this marriage.. Even now give preference to them n urselves n think u, him n ur entire family would be happy if ur happy with him.. U just need to be good with him n accept him as ur husband, tht is all u gotta do here... There is no problem in ur married life.. It is upto u to make this marriage work.. Just think this way, even when ur not nice to him, he is good to u, then think if ur really nice to him, how good he would be with u, he would love u a lot... Think of all the good times to come, forget the past n start a fresh life... All the best...

SSC · Nov 16, 2011

Well, if you were so damn clear about your feelings for him, then you shouldnt have gotten married to him!
Anyways, no point discussing that.. So save him the pain of an unhappy married life, and for his sake, get divorced, if you cant be happy with him!

JGVR · Nov 16, 2011

For sometime forget he is your husband.Behave with him like a friend.start talking about your likes,dislikes etc,start sharing your opinions with him...try to see his good qualities a well as bad qualities-if his good qualities outweigh his bad ones then soon u might get impressed with him-but don't stop talking to him and make your life and his life miserable-it is not just both of you but two families.

UmmaGumma · Nov 16, 2011

You should get separated and marry someone else. Just the creep factor of swimming in the same gene pool for generations is a good enough reason to seek someone outside the gene pool. Goddamn, the whole breeding within the same gene pool makes me think so many Jeff Foxworthy 'You maybe a redneck...' lines. You maybe a redneck if you went to family reunions looking for dates and future spouses.

Goddamn !! All the alleged education and when will people in India learn that inbreeding is not cool. Ewwww.

priya4prabhu · Nov 16, 2011

Oh tamil if you get separated,... then you are making the biggest mistake in your life.. this guy is good as far as you know.. you will not know how will your marriage be in future also.. you are messing your life.. having different feelings is all crap.. dont tell me you definitely thought him as brother.. from the bottom of your heart you thought him as a friend or as a cousin ... you would not have got it as bro at all.. So stop talking on that front.. probably he used the word sister and the relationship tricks.. but he seems to be atttracted to be you all the whole time.. so use that get his pure love and be more lovable to him.. you both can make a wonderful couple for sure... Come on Tamil dont be cinematic... Once you change you will realise how much you missed it to be.. .start the day fresh...