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Dear, why were u quiet all these 10 years when u knew this just 2 months after marriage??? Didn't u take any action against him???
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With great distress I am typing this. I am married for almost 10 years. I found that my husband is a cyber pervert. He enagages in dirty oline conversations and enjoys watching porn . I found this after 2 months of my marriage and it continues still. Very devastated. He knows that I know and has no guilt feeling. Always gives an 'I don't care attitude' even when caught red-hand. I have no support from my family and I am unable to speak to anyone about this. I have two kids and I am not sure how to handle this. I am working but I have no confidence that I could raise two kids all by myself with no support. Just thought of pouring out and so this post.
Dear, why were u quiet all these 10 years when u knew this just 2 months after marriage??? Didn't u take any action against him???
I have expressed that I don't like this behavior of his. But, he doesn't care. Honestly, I don't know what action I should take and how to handle this. I wish I am stronger. But my circumstances - no support from my family , kids and my insecure/timid nature- make me to endure and keep quite .
Chocygal, I understand your distress. It can be very depressing to have a hubby who flirts online. I suggest you sit down with your hubby and have a talk with him. Try to find out WHY he is doing what he is doing. Maybe he expects certain things from you with regard to intimacy and is afraid of how you will react. Just try to have an open and honest discussion about your intimate life, likes, and dislikes.
Make it clear that this is emotional infidelity and that it is causing you a lot of heartbreak and could potentially break up your marriage if it continues. Tell him that you want to make the marriage better and have a good and exciting life with him. Gently suggest if you can go for counseling so that you don't have to reveal this sensitive issue to anyone from the family.
Hope that helps.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Watching P**n is a passive act. Engaging in chat requires constant, conscious effort to wilfully make his choice. And frankly, I wonder who these women are who waste time chatting with men, when they could very easily go out for a date for real. Perhaps your husband is making some payment.
Your husband is not going to confide to you exactly why he does this. So don't go about pushing him. As long as he is responsible with the children and spends time with them, you don't have short term problems.
I read The Guardian regularly and several people who post there confide that they turn to online P**n, or even go to C*ll G*r*s because the wife either does not do specific things the Husband wants (or may be the Husband does not want to ask) or because the wife is plainly not interested. One person honestly said he visits girls because he doesn't even get an affectionate word from the wife. Honestly, some of the responses are truly shocking. Another man of 50, broached the topic of having s*x with his own wife and she burst out crying, "why do that? I thought we were already happy!". The man doesn't want to be unfaithful to the wife, or watch p*rn, so he is abstinent. But clearly longing.
So ... Is it too much to expect a wife to dress well, carry herself gracefully and converse sensibly? Once married, women give that up and instead become familiar. Whereas, men want to be on the hunt, to constantly want to impress a woman. If not you, then someone else. You'd be surprised at a recent survey that found out that men long for romance in addition to s*x (I have a printed copy of the report, but cannot locate it). And before you can say, "I am not in shape", let me assure you that appeal goes above and beyond "shape".
What does this have to with your H's p**n habit? Lots. In the absence of finer and more refined happiness, this is the second best. And most men settle for it. That is how the internet culture of making money via clicks has evolved into a vicious cycle. I should know, I myself have this problem.
@cj1980 and @rechtsanwalt - Thank you both for taking time to reply.
@cj1980 - I will definetly take some steps to talk with him about his intersts in online p****. I know he very much likes s** and the very thought about the infidelity makes me like a log during act. He is not a very open person and initiating a conversation and continuing is very difficult for me. I will try to speak up or make him agree to attend counselling.
@rechtsanwalt - He takes care of kids very well and he is one of the best fathers I have ever seen. He has never been abusive and never ill-mouthed about me to anyone even his family members. At the same time he never talks/mentions about me even in any casual conversations to anybody. When I loose my temper , he just ignores me. I feel more frustrated because my existence or non-existence doesn't make any difference to him. He is an introvert and I have never seen him expressing his joy or sorrow in the 10 years of married life. I get confused whether its his nature or me. I stay in perfect shape and carry myself very well. When coming to s** , he shows more interest and I am not able to get involved whole-heartedly due to his nature and behaviour (online stuff).
I am not sure whether he is seeing other gals . So far, I have not seen any .I constantly check his call list, bank accounts and mails. I know he has a secret mail account which he is using for his online chat. But during the initial days of our marriage , I found a c***** in his bag which had an expiry date before our wedding. When asked about it, he said thats the one we used for first nite and he has that in remeberence. I wish I could have beived that (:. He is neither sentimental type nor I am a stupid to believe this after seeeing the expiry date.
I don't have a nice family background and I carry that baggage. That made me very weak and timid . Even a frown from an unknown person will make me feel bad. I am working on that to be stronger. I dont see any problem in the short-term. But for the well being of kids and longevity of the marriage, I will try to speak-up or I will try to take him to marriage counselor.
Ret**** Quit justifying a weakness. Watching porn and chatting with girls online anonymously
when u can put that effot in the marriage is an act of a cowardice. Stop pushing meaningless survey as a proof.
If u feel ur wife is not reciprocative..and u are in a passionless marriage go for counselling
and if that doesnt work have the guts and the conviction to separate....find another partner or be single and carry on with ur other life.
Staying in a marriage and carrying this on the sly while blaming ur spouse's inadequacies as the cause is downright repulsive and unethical.
The first thing a woman finds attractive in a man is his courage ..one who takes ownership for his life ,his loved one and his mistakes...may be its time such men contemplate why their wives dont find them attractive ?
The Arc of History is long but it bends towards Justice!
1. Isn't the fact that he takes good care of the children a B I G positive? And the fact that he doesn't bad-mouth you means he appreciates you, even if he can't express it. At heart, he seems to be a good, decent person. Unlike women, men don't go about praising their women in public. People are only too quick to label them as hen-pecked etc. It hurts a man's pride. And men can be possessive about their women too. If he talked about you, who knows someone would be interested in you, especially, as you say, you are physically in good shape? I myself hardly, if at all, talk about my wife to my friends (but only with close family members). On one occassion my wife shook hands with another man, and I got angry about it. I also get angry if she wears anything revealing, such as tight chudidaar pants (I don't know what they are called). I want her completely for myself, even if I can't be a perfect husband. Is this normal, something you should live with? Look at it this way, in an ocean of faults and misdeeds perpetrated throughout history, doesn't this pale in comparison?
2. Why must you lose your temper? And how do you expect your husband to respond? "You look even more beautiful when angry"? We all need to take responsibility for our emotions and actions. Our children learn from us. They learn more from our faults than our virtues. Out of curiosity, just what makes you angry? When my wife gets angry I try to do what I can. If that fails, I leave it at that. We are adults after all.
3. He is an introvert. I am also guessing he is a Scorpio, or has it in his zodiacal aspects. If he weren't an introvert, he will most likely have wanted to meet up with women. Good for you. Given that he is an introvert and a good father, he most probably knows his limits. We need to trust our spouses to act responsibly as adults.
4. As to your inability to respond to his desire, ChoicyGal, you really need to let the past go. Are you having s** with his past? How much further back can you go? When he developed a crush on a girl while at school? There is nothing you can do about his past. Nor his nature. You could hopefully change his behavior. But definitely not by blocking him out. In married life, the things that you don't say make a big difference too. And you do not have to approach your physical intimacy with seriousness. Just do it, share a laugh and give yourself a good time. Do you folks ever laugh? Tell him where and how you want to be touched. As long as you women are enjoying it we men like it too. And don't worry about the future either. He may give himself to you totally in love today, and yet not be able to overcome his desire for p*rn tomorrow. Why judge? This is his difficulty. A wife can divorce a husband who has this weakness, but will a mother disown such a child? In Hindu scriptures, there are several instances where God gives mercy to someone without judging his past. Similarly, Jesus's famous quote, "let he who has not sinned be the first to cast stone" in saving the prostitute. We are so insignificant before God's grace and love.
5. I unreservedly apologise if I sowed the seeds of doubt by suggesting he met other women, in my earlier post. You need to be careful and smart, that was my point.
6. As to your "unfavourable" background, as you have rightly pointed out, don't carry the baggage. It is a burden. Leave it in Unclaimed Luggage. You as a person have an intrinsic value, regardless of any defects or faults. God knows this and loves you for it. What do other's opinions matter?
Just be cheerful, affectionate, smartly dressed and act confidently. You'll be a walking magnet for your hubby.
Last edited by rechtsanwalt; 5th October 2011 at 12:03 AM.
Perhaps you are qualified in some capacity to voice your unequivocal opinion on this, but I am not aware of it, other than the fact that you are a girl/woman - JustAnotherGirl, as you modestly put it.
If you care to read my first post, you'll realise that I did not condone watching porn or chatting up girls. And the mention about the research study was to address the perception about men. The survey was just one article among the several I have been reading up over the past 8 years, so I shared what I read about others' real life experiences.
There are a great many people who govern their lives by the "book", even successfully by their own exacting standards, who have no weaknesses that a new-year resolution cannot address. Perhaps that describes you, and you have a marriage Hillary Clinton would envy. I'm happy for you. Really. We need such cases to set the example lest our children's faith in the ideals of the institution of marriage be shaken.
As for the rest of us reprobates, how would you go about reforming us? Surely not by berating us on our lack of "courage". Some of us are beneath contempt.
I always thought the first thing a woman is attracted to in a man is the appeal factor (of which a money plays a huge part). You would have amplified my estimation of womanhood significantly had we exchanged posts much earlier. As such, age and concomitant experience has made it difficult for me to change my opinions.
With all humility and earnestness, I wish you had told us something about your DH, your marriage and perhaps his courage. It could give us something to aspire to.
P.S: I am not an MCP (Microsoft Certified Professional or otherwise). Honestly.
reply to Chocygal, :-
(portions of your post are reproduced in brown , followed by my comments)>
He takes care of kids very well and he is one of the best fathers I have ever seen. He has never been abusive and never ill-mouthed about me to anyone even his family members..
good to hear the above from you. If your hubby is so nice in other walks of life, mere porn watching alone should not be a reason for condemning this husband as a 'pervert'. I AM NOT SAYING PORN WATCHING IS GOOD. That assessment is highly individualistic. If the wife agrees and is comfortable with it, with her consent, the husband can certainly watch porn. (I have been pleasantly surprised in the past, to have read from this forum, that so many wifes, if not all , are comfortable with their hubbys watching porn)
Of course, if the wife is not comfortable, then , certainly the husband must respect her sensitivity to watching porn.
But, the bad part of the story is.........as the other male member 'rachtsan...." has mentioned above, most men, if not all, do watch porn. Unfortunately, men with wives who object to it, watch it secretly. This is the reality. I think , if there any more male members here, they would agree with me.
My point, is.........simple, when your husband is so nice in other facets of life, he should NOT be labelled as a 'pervert' on watching porn alone.
I am not sure whether he is seeing other gals . So far, I have not seen any .I constantly check his call list, bank accounts and mails
Good. If there is another girl, in his real life, you would have come to know it, by this time. It is not possible to conceal a secret side love towards another woman for so long. He is monogamous to you. Believe him..!
When coming to s** , he shows more interest and I am not able to get involved whole-heartedly due to his nature and behaviour (online stuff).
A wife being less in interested in physical sex, and the husband being more interested in it in a marriage is a common household issue, applicable to a vast number of households. (the reverse may also be true in some cases).
Getting less desire over years is a common thing for most women. It is biologically normal thing for women. So, from that point of view, you may be perfectly normal.
Please do not confuse your dwindling desire and your hubby's watching porn. Of course, your feelings of disgust towards him will certainly prevent your normal response and interest in love-making. But, I do not think, it is worth spoiling your life,.........and it is certainly, certainly and certainly not wise labelling your man as 'pervert'.......... on this singular issue of 'hubby watching porn' alone.
Just a different perspective from another man. You will get hundred women here to would support your views 100 % and label men as 'perverts' for watching porn................which would make you strongly believe that you are right and your man is wrong. That will be a losing battle for you. Your feelings of disgust towards your man will get strengthened and things would become worse,then.
You are here, to listen to the other side of the story also , which may give some new insights to you.
There are two male views here. Please go through the issue , from the other gender's perspective, also. That will make you more tolerant.
All the best..!