Birthdays

Suryan03 · Oct 3, 2011

Hello All,

Somethings bothering me and I would love to hear the suggestions of all the lovely ladies and men too.
It was my birthday few days ago. And my hubbys BD is exactly a week before mine. We have been married 9 years now. I have been brought up where birthdays are celebrated atleast within the family whereas he has been brought up not knowing when his birthday was ! No celebrations no wishes nothing.

Since our marriage I have always celebrated his birthday in someway or the other. Most of the times I prepare his favourite dishes and I can go to great extents of hard work and trouble to make it successful except for once when I was down with horrible morning or all day sickness during pregnancy. But I still managed to dish up a kheer that day inspite of been very weak. I specifically remember on that birthday of mine, a week after, he did not even wish me though I begged him to. He was upset during those days, as I was constantly sick and he had a lot of workload on his shoulders at work and home.

Now coming to this birthday, I prepared a cake and his favourite dishes but no present this time. I also make ssure my 7 year old son is very aware of his fathers BD. A week later came mine and he wished me in bed and I started the day going for yoga. By the time I was back he had washed the dishes which he normally never does. We went out to lunch to a restaurant he chose. There was no choice of menu and we had to go with Thali with very few options as they were short on staff. I was not too happy but went along as my hubby was not to bothered to go to another restaurant. Realising I was not happy he even said I am never happy with what I get. rest of the day was spent at home. No cooking during night as I refused to cook and decided I needed rest. He did not make a fuss about that. I had decided not to specifically ask for any present, but there i went asking him jokingly where is my gift? And he was put off saying I am never satisfied.

Now what I want to ask you guys are Am I been too selfish ? How can I control myself been so dependent on him for love and pampering ? Because of the 1 week difference in our BDates, I end up slogging for his BD and expecting something similar from him. I know " Noone asked me to" , but why do I keep doing this ?

Let me know your thoughts. SORRY for the long post on a trivial thing.

flowerlady · Oct 3, 2011

Strange that after 9 years of marriage you are worrying about this issue ! Is there something else thats irritating you ?
One need not get a gift on the Bday itself, if you require anything just go and shop with or without DH.
After several years of marriage one has to start buying gifts for oneself. Reward yourself .
You understand that DH and family are not into Bday celebrations so why the fuss now. I do not expect DH to bake a cake/cook for me on reciprocal basis.
A single rose makes me happy anyday and I buy flowers for myself .
Cheer up , this is part of maturing and growing up !!

Suryan03 · Oct 3, 2011

Thanks for the reply Flowerlady. This is exactly what I want to know, whether I am been immature ??? But after some thinking, I feel what Iam craving for is love and some tenderness...Specifically with birthdays, i really do not care abt the gift, even a simple card would have done wonders...this once I felt like he did his duty by taking us to a restaurant ! How I wish I could be so mature and unconditional in my love that I do not expect anything in return, I am not talking abt just material things....And Oh yes ! I will be buying something for myself this year and lets see how it feels !

april1981 · Oct 3, 2011

Hi
even I agree with flower lady. I have been married for 8 years. ther were times when I expected my DH to pamper me on my b'day. But when I realised that no amount of fight or tears is going to get me what I need, I have stopped doing that. I always buy hime some present on his B'day. he used to send me cake and flowers for the fisrt two yhesr. after that ir reduced to cake or either floswer. since the past two years no cake and no flowers. He does not think it is important for him to buy me a present.
so since the last three years I treat myself on my b'day. trust me it feels very good. Sometimes we are too dependedent on our husbands. women who have supportive husbands are lucky but for others we have to find ways to keep ourself happy. why should I spoil my b'day for him. ever year we go out on b'day. this year the retaurant bill was also paid by me on my b'day since he had no money and did not even bother to arrange for money knowing very well that we will be going out. I could have gotten upset and cancelled the treat. But i wanted to eat outside so I paid the money.
The only lesson I have learnt from all this is to financial independence is very important for women.

sowmyasri0209 · Oct 3, 2011

From my know age I had never seen my dad wishing my mom on her birthday. But when my husband wished me on my birthday and i told to my dad that i am happy because of this and told him that my mom will also expect this... he also started wishing my mom.

Instead of asking friends like us.. can you speak about this to your friendly husband and explain him how much you expect the wish from him. Its worth talking to him rather than asking to us and convincing yourself.

He might not consider wishing on birthday as a great thing... but when it is of great value to you. speak to him.. you have all rights to demand anything from him then why not a wish?

Sorry If my opinion is wrong.

Anisu · Oct 3, 2011

Suryan,

May be you have to read About 5 love languages. There is one thread here in IL about it where they have explained so very well about it.
Here your way of celebrating birthday is different and you yourself have mentioned that Your DH never celebrates. In this case its very rare that we can expect something from them. Whatever effort you put in making the day would not find very interesting to him. May be both of you view things differently. So dont expect surprise gifts from him.
Why do you do it for him?? Its because you have your own way of celebrating it. So you make all the efforts to make him happy. You feel its a special day to celebrate. But he might feel it as any other normal day.

So instead of having expectations, accept how he is ....else sit and talk to him on this front. Another thing is that just to make your day special,plan something for the day with your H and execute it. This way both of you will be happy.

Just thinking of all these itslef you will spoil your beautiful day. So please dont think too much about these. But now you should have realized it. Its still not late .

Suryan03 · Oct 4, 2011

Thank you everyone for the replies.
@April1981 Your reply really helped me. Trust me, I am not dependent. I very well know to care for myself, but I was looking for the pampering which never happened. I would have been quiet upset, in your situation. I admire the way you handled it. I will try to be as strong as that next time.

@sowmyasri0209 I have already conveyed to him how much showing love means to me but apparently the more I bring up this topic, the more he seems to dislike it. I rather be not too dependent on him emotionally. Thx for the advise anyway.

@Anisu, Yes I have decided to plan somehting I like, for my BD next time and execute it along with him as you said ! Also I have decided not to slog on his BD instead go out and have a nice dinner and buy him a present, so I do not feel drained. I failed finding the 5 love languages thread on IL, but am going to check with the local library. Thx for that !

sushmavja · Oct 4, 2011

suryan,
even my husband does the same!!day before yesterday was my bday (6th bday after marriage).this is the 2nd bday which i am celebrating only wid him..otherwise i would be in my in-laws place or wid my cousins n parents ofcourse he would be present too..he never makes me feel special on my bday..i dont ask him for gifts..i guess a card or a bouquet is more than enough..but no..he will just wish me..thts it..so what i started doing is for anniversary or my bday i will buy something for myself(usually gold) even if it is 4-5 grms and am satisfied..but now again i stopped working so this time i just went for a parlour and treated myself the day bfore my bday..had a hair cut too which is shocking for my husband as i have very long hairs and i had a step cut which made the hair very short..but surprisingly my husband got a cake and chocolates n balloons too this time am still wondering about it..my DD made me cut the cake..he has office on sunday so he went to office and we went for dinner to a nearby restaurant..

so i suggest you to treat yourself.do what you like to do..do some shopping for yourself.do the things which make you happy..
hmm..all this said..i still keep expecting from him even though i know he wont gift me!! bcos i feel he is the only person from whom i can expect something..so 5 valentine's days,5 wedding anniversaries and 6 bdays passed without any gifts!!!

priya4prabhu · Oct 4, 2011

Believe me dropping to restaurant itself is a d day.. You could spend happily talking about your days spent together.. Its all in how much you expect from your spouse.. Truly i have the least expectation from my husband as he had not given a gift on such occassion ,, but on other times simply he gets me something.. So such a day is more enjoyable than my bday/anniversary..

aminroop · Oct 4, 2011

my hubby never has bot a gift for me either. and we have been married only for two yrs. well, neither have i bot anything for him. so it wud be correct to say that we dont have any expectations from eachother.