Friend's issue - need advice

riya123 · May 10, 2011

Hi People,

I need some advice on a very delicate issue on my close friend (I'll call her A - i dont want to reveal her identity). I have been very close to her. Studied in the same school and college.
In college about 6 years ago, she was in love with a very handsome popular guy (I'll call him X) in college. We were a group of friends in college, X was also a part of our group. X was very popular, handsome and had a wonderful attitude. I dont know how but A was head over heels in love with him. But unfortunately it was one sided. She proposed to him in college but he refused very politely trying not to hurt her. She was extremely heart broken and she once had told me that she cannot imagine her life without him. I was feeling bad at her situation but i knew she had to accept the reality and move on with life. She even hoped he would come back to her but he was firm and wanted to be just friends with her. She was even delaying marriage hoping he would come back to her. Somehow she couldn't let him go. She was so madly obsessed about him. He maintained a dignified silence as usual and focused on his career.

After four years of this episode, her family was pressurizing her to get married as she was getting older. She kept refusing. I pitched in and convinced her for many months that she has to let it go and move on with life. Then finally she came to accept it and agreed to marry the guy her parents chose. Her husband is a kind of nice guy but is unaware of this entire thing. Last time when i visited her home, she has still kept those friendship tags he (X) had tied her in college. She also said that those small things were still very special to her. I felt bad for her and told her that guy didn't deserve her.

Now a few months back, X (college guy) got in touch with his old friends and also to my friend. Two days back, since i am a mutual friend of both X and A, X confesses to me that he also has feelings for my friend and is now really interested in a relationship with her. He knows fully well that she is married now. I asked him why he refused her proposal then, he says he was not ready for a relationship then in college. He said he didn't understand her then but he really wants to be with her now. X comes from an affluent family and is well placed career wise also. A is from a orthodox middle class family. I was too confused to even reply to him. What should i do?.. Should i tell A that X is also in love with her or shall i tell X to back off.
If i dont tell my friend (A) that he confessed his feelings for her, and if she gets to know later on, she would feel deceived by me. The guy for whom she waited so much and was so madly in love is accepting her today. I'm sure even today she would leave everything for him.
But if i tell her now, then probably her marriage will be on rocks and her family would blame me for fuelling all this. Her parents might not like this too since he is of a different religion.

archana.kc · May 10, 2011

I think your friend X should be a 'guy' and talk to her if he wants to! Ideally, you should keep mum here. His feelings are so questionable. Personally, I find it so unfair to talk to you after knowing she is married! Ugh!

shree · May 10, 2011

hi,

donot open this issue to your friend A also tell X to back off to avoid any unnecessary problems. if they unite only 2 of them will be happy the rest all

A's parents , A's husbands parents can't show their face in public. they will never forgive u if u commit this blunder in their life. if u donot let this out only A and X will be little sad , that too for how long may be for another couple of years.

Mythraeyi · May 10, 2011

I think you should tell Mr.X that the ship has sailed. He had enough opportunities when A was single and he knew that she was interested in him. Now it seems like a case of wanting what he cannot have. It would be in the best interests of A not to tell her and she can get on with her married life rather than tell her and create problems and confusion for her. What if she decides to get out of the marriage and then X doesn't want her again??

Coffeelover · May 10, 2011

Stay away from this issue. X may be playing a game. It is not fair. He shouldn't reenter in her life and spoil it. What about her husband? This is just a fun time for X. If you are a good friend of A, just keep quiet.

You even should discourage X.

Good luck.

CL

jennysrik · May 10, 2011

I totally agree with Mythreyi..From what I understand, I assume that the husband of A doesn't even know an iota of all this. Think the plight of him. It will be evem more hard for him than your friend, emotionally.

Reflection123 · May 10, 2011

Just tell "X" that you are not interested in being a love messenger for him!..If you start conveying his messages....you might make an easy path for him to destroy your friend's life..(what if he leaves her even after she breaks up her marriage for him?).!.....its alright if you friend feels you have broken her trust or something, when she finds out that you refused to convey his messages....love blind people can act extremely stupid........you explain yourself to her, if she asks you why you did that.

You have all the right in the world to say "No" to being a mediator for something that can destroy someone's life.

if "X" and "A" do not understand you....its their problem. But you don't have to pass on his messages to her...really! Say "No" to him for conveying such messages.....and categorically tell him not to tell you all this next time.

Spiderman1 · May 10, 2011

Very simple riya. You stay out of this totally.

How X and A want to deal with this, whether they are decent/honest in their life, whether he wants to communicate it or not, whether they want to mess up their lives - that's all entirely upto them and between them.

From your standpoint - you stay out of it. Else, you'll find yourself in a huge mess.

sitara1 · May 10, 2011

This is a life changing decision for both X and A.
Tell X to make a decision on his own, whether to reveal his feelings to A or not.
If he does, let A make her own decision, if she wants to continue with her H or X.
These are very crucial decisions in both their lives. You should not be making these crucial decisions for them.

beerbal · May 10, 2011

Don't be a go between as you are already uncomfortable. If X doesn't have A's contact details, you can give them after checking with A or offer to give X's contact info to A. That's it, nothing more.

They are both grown up and they can choose what they want to do. Of course you are always available to A for counsel if she chooses to ask.