Pls comment :Need help to analyse this

hi saumya..it's a good question that you have asked..personally I feel, we let out our anger without thinking of it's far reaching consequences, just so we feel that we have got our justice..maybe we feel cheated about the situation and in order to maintain our self respect and sanity ,to say the least, we just lash out. of course, we feel sorry for it afterwards. the post math is always over whelming and we end up feeling guilty through and through. sad to say that this cannot be controlled so easily, but we may win, over time..

 

hi saumya,

it is already a step in the right direction when one realizes their weak point. being to see that and to acknowledge is a major step forward. now to your whys: anger, ego, desire to be done right by, all these are as natural to our natures. it is as natural to us as breathing.

now think what we do when we do breathing exercises, or when we learn swimming. we train our breathing to respond suitably to our situation - i.e. breathe out in water and breathe in when we raise our heads out of water. we train the length of inspiration and expiration to suit the length of time our noses are in water or outside. this might be somewhat different to our natural cycle of breathing.

similarly when you have realized that there is a problem with your reactions in provocative situations, it is up to you to consciously train your reactions to make sure that you do not do or say something that you will regret afterwards. this will certainly take time. none of us are saints. it may even take many lifetimes to conquer a weakness, but the effort has to be constant.

i don't know if i make sense or whether the example i have given here makes any sense, but that is the first one that came to mind.

i do hope you get your answer to your question if not from me, then from one of many replies here.

 

I grew up in this kind of environment with lot of physical, mental abuse between parents . In the initial years of my marriage, I too expressed my anger beyond sanity to my dh, who inturn pointed out my behaviour. My parents marriage reflected in front of my eyes and I realized, that my marriage, my dh and our happiness is more important to me than anything else in this world. We do have our arguments but I make it a point to never drag that issue. If he is raising his voice and getting madder, I just stop it right there and calmly respond to the situation.

Only once we did have our share of exchanging negative talks about our parents. After that I have realized is to never curse or talk very rudely about each other's parents no matter how bad they (ils) have treated us.
Just like I cannot hear foul/curse remarks about my parents, same with dh. If I had problem with my Ils, I will start like "I 'm deeply hurt with what dad did today..."and end my story with " what to do?" And as I'm telling my story I make sure I don't use provoking words about his family. Here is an example of similar situation as yours.

My elder sil has problems with her mil. She complained to her dh that "your mother is blood monster, she backstabbed me even after I took very good care of her during her sickness". Her dh literally thrashed her for using foul language and their fight continued for days.

There are times and situations, where I would be very emotional or going nuts.... I just think "what is important to me? Is this argument more important than our happiness?what is it's weight?" I just let go of my ego, my desires and "my way". Some times dh understands and make decisions "our way".


I hope my post adds some value. We have been married for 10 years and we rarely fight. Even if we fight it will be mostly on trivial issues and make up within minutes.

 

Good question....we fight to prove ourself..to prove ours is the correct decision..when other is not accepting us we cross our limit even amid our children..some pople try to control their anger for the welfare of the family..some dont bother about others..

 

Hi Soumya,

Certainly, you make sense. And, it is a deeper issue, pervading every home........only the extent and severity differs from home to home. In some homes, such bitter mutual fights will be the least , and in some, it will be maximum.

The Urge of Anger, as you have named it is.........because of our Emotions overwhelming our Intellect. Two different areas control our emotions and intellect respectively. The Intellect is controlled by an area in brain called, "pre-frontal cortex". The Emotions are controlled by an area in brain called, "limbic system" . In Evolutionary terms, this limbic system is more primitive and powerful. It has an overriding control over the pre-frontal cortex. That is why often we find our emotions overpowering us, in spite of how intelligent and well informed we are.

Not that, we are always destined to be the slaves of our emotions. With training one can learn how to have better control over one's emotions. The recent terminology used in this context is "Emotional Intelligence". As some one above mentioned, "meditation" is one of the ways of learning to have better control over one's emotions, which is being acknowledged by Modern Psychiatry now.