how to deal with stuborn and egoistic husband

anjuanju · Feb 4, 2011

hello all,
i am very depressed. so i would like to share with you.my husband is very igoistic and stubborn.very few times he is good.i am suffering beacuse his nature.

he tells what ever that happens between us to his parents and sisters.they make it a big issue.says vey often that he wanted divorse from me or every silly reason.........but some times he is good....

his parents encourage him.all these days i am the only one who knows how much i suffered.i neverthought that life is this tough.we both are very well educated ofcource i am not working now.few times his family members and ofcource he too mentin that i am not working...

often he is saying words which bother me..may be as the frequecy is more..i too rplied some what with hard voice.so he shouted and said i shoud not do or cook food.and asked his mothe to do.allthis just infront of his parents..

as whehwhen he said taht i shooud not cook,,she is taking the advatage and doing evey thing in the kitche...belive me she did not do even a signle task from last one month.we are in usa..

i am very depressed and want to share with you...feeling very lonely and tears are comming into my eyes but trying to control just to nake make it big issue..but dont know how big issue they(husband and inlaws) make it .

billybob · Feb 4, 2011

Can you try to find a job or enroll in a college, do not depend on him emotionally or financially or be clingy. If you have visa issues to work may be you need to go to India for few months and find a job. Think what he would if you were employed and he is at home. Do not get depressed and waste your life around him.

anjuanju · Feb 4, 2011

thanks for your reply billibob.
but as the market is not good here,it may take some time.actually i am also looking for job. i hope this king of situation should not come to any girl.

Priya16 · Feb 4, 2011

Anju,

Don't feel hopeless and you need to buckle up and handle your man.
No one would solve your problem if you give up easily.
I hope you would stick around this form and read as much as you can and buckle up.
When he say divorce next time,don't get worry nor scare for it.Ask him when does he want to do it and you will find time in your calender.
Just you need to tell him that ,that doesn't scare you nor afraid of him.
Be funny at the same time tell him you are ready to face the world.

SanjuReddy · Feb 4, 2011

I can understand ur situation dear.Be brave.If he really gives divorce also u can definetly survive.I can say that these type of men will treat us like this if we are soft and silent .Sometimes u open ur mouth.its not a wrong thing.

Usually men will be strong when there parents are with him.
For how many days ur il's will be with u?

Focus on ur job search.Let ur MIL do all the kitchen work.Dont worry.

Roam around and make friends.Try to form a circle and be busy with them.It gives you some relief.
Get urself occupied by things which u like.

SriVidya75 · Feb 4, 2011

Anju

First of all stop being scared. REmember one thing...things like this get worse only when one spouse is all the time worried and scared about how to protect the marriage.

See if he i.e your husband also wants to be married to you...he will understand and cool down. If this guy is a big nut case and doesnt want to understand what kind of damage is he doing to his own married life, he will start taking everything to extremes and make it more worse.

Remember one thing...just like him you are also a human and you too will make mistakes.

Just the other day I was telling this my sister too.Women are also human beings they toowill make mistakes. so If a husband expects his wife to let go and forgive whatever he does or his parents does and if he wants the wife to take it lightly and move on...then he too should be able to do that...its a two way street right??

Also remember one thing..the next time he raises his voice or demeans you, tell him openly that if he doenst like to be married to you, he can say itopenlyr ather than insulting you...because if you start answering him back he may not take it...WARN him that.

Now why do you feel scared? do you feel that youa re sitting at home an deating free of cost? are you not taking care of the house, cleaning, cooking, and the rest of the chores?so is he paying you?? no...so if things boil down to that level of keeping scores..you too can ask him back about what youa re doing.

Now coming to your MIL doing stuff and acting and involving. When your husbandis not around politely tell her that if her son is angry and says something, she has to help him understand the importance of marriage and tell her ohhh aunty you came here to get some rest...so pls do not take his words seriously eventually he will calm down etc..etc...and make her go back n sit. and you start doing your work. REMEMBER one thing..THIS IS YOUR HOUSE and no one can actually make you feel out of place unless you want to distance yourself fromthem or take their words seriously.

First of all start respecting yourself and others will start doing that too.

Last but not least..first of all figure out what is the problem in your marriage? i.e why are these fights flaring up to the level of both of you arguing n insulting each other? what are his complaints? how can you address them with cool mind? are those really his complaints or is there something else thats bothering him? have you ever asked what will solve his complaints? i.e what is it that he expects from you so that you both dont carry on this fight forward.? since how long you both have been having these fights? and why?

anjuanju · Feb 4, 2011

Thank you for your suggestions.actually it all started for dowry..they demanded more after the marrage which we did not say that we will give.my parents gave whethever they said that they will.actually they wanted his son to do everthing to them and to his sisters. they wanted to keep him away from my family and me.and they tell about my parents that this and so on..and he shouts at me saying that they did like that and this and did not give even dowry...so i was also maintaning somw distance from his famiy as they are doing like that...they scold me like any thing on phone his sisters and parents...i was silent..

he does not allow me to talk to my parent and siblings and friends.ofcource i stopped talking to most f my friends but not with my family members..
he talks all the bad words which a husband is not suposed to talk to his wife..like you slept with so many guys....believe me do not have many freinds..i am from a repectable family and very traditional....i think even he knows that i am not that kind of person..but his nature is some thing like he has to win at any cost....
he some times drinks by going to bars with other girls ,some time alone...and comes late night...and he does not even lift phone at that time...even i i ask this...he says i am like this only...if you want stay with me other wise give divorce and go but i will be like this...

everthing thing he will tell to his parents and sisters they support him...i just pray god that i had enough punishment ...if you still want to punish me....i have no energy to bear..instead take me away form this life...
i know that i can do job with out depending on any one...still i dont like that kind of life...as i came from respectable family...
I cried all these years like any thing.....day by day my life is becomming miserable..........those three of them became as on and made me alone at home...not talking .they eat together not asking me...even if i go to prepare something they say that we are not interested in eating that ..we just eat some thing else........

he is such a dominant guy,and his parents and sisters say that husband has to dominating...instead they say that i am harassing him and dominating him..

i am very depressed...so i am sharing all this with you people..

SriVidya75 · Feb 5, 2011

Anju

being emotional though helps us understand what is pain....but it wont help us to solve anything.

coming to your situation, whtever are the issues during marriage before/after dowry etc...try talking to him...good / bad just say ok whatever hashappened in the past its all done n over with. why are we fighting about it now? so everytime he thinks he cant win or cant explain he cant get this old stuff and win over you right?

Basically to explain all this to him, first of al you have to calm down and have a good self confident image of yourself. I suggest please start looking for a job if thats what is going to make you feel self confident...meanwhile, try to be a good person...I am not saying that you are not good..what I mean is...when such people keep pushing us, we tend to get more negative and fight more and loose our balance...pls do not do that....dont loose yoru words or dont loose your goodness.

Be nice to his parents. Be nice to him. But when he starts throwing tantrums, just say you will only talk n explain when he calms down.

Agreed its going to be super hurtful to deal with such things as these seem to NEVER END...but with a bit of patience these can be solved. nothing is impossible remeember??

Start mingling with his mom as she is here. Just dont take it to heart whatever they throw at you. be calm andfor sometime pls develop thick skin. These are like the challenges, if you cant deal with them, you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. Be positive and be hopeful and have that heart to heart talk with him....tell him that he feeling bad n hurtful and down and disrespected about wha thappened during weddingis all accepted, but now you cant correct the past, all you can do is make him happy in present n future..but if he keeps looking at past and points out your mistkaes and yoru parents mistakes, you both are missing out your life. Finally both side parents will be happy, only you n him will be fighting. am sure you dont want thtat right? so just cheer up...talk to him and dont try to make it like a defensive talk...just explain and leave it and be normal. do your work at home. be cheerful...listen to some good music, start planning some activities etc. your happiness would surely bring cheer n joy and would change things and perspective.

puja101 · Jul 5, 2012

Hi Anju,
Belive me, I have gone through the same situation. I also used to cry everyday.
My husband and his family used to insist for the divorce all the time. My kid was young that time and I was not working, so I used to get scared all the time. But I decided I am not going for divorse and I will not make the life miserable for my kid by having only one parent. The only difference between you and me is that I also used fight and if he use bad words for me or my family I used to reply the same way to him. So he knew that I am not a weak girl. I started concentrating on my studies and job, I found a job and I am working since then. I never stoped calling my family or friend, because he don't like. Actually I made more friends, no matter what he think I decided I will live happily. I became more strong, financially independent, confident and happy now. He is still egoistic but I don't care. Life is going on. Not sweet like others but not bad as it used to be.
See if you can get any guidence from my story.
All the Best.
Puja

crazywriter · Jul 5, 2012

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