me or my family??

poojaagar · Dec 30, 2010

Im married for 5 yrs with a 2 yrs baby now, we stay abroad, I recently started working leaving my baby with my mom for time being, I find it very difficult and missing her every moment, but this is for few months as we have arranged for a nanny she will be joining us soon. Now coming to the point, we cant afford a nanny if I don work, I work not for money only, also for satisfaction, if I don work then no nanny and can have baby with us, my hubby is ok with this, bcos having a house maid is very damn expensive here.
also one more main thing is I discontinued my master studies before delivery for which I went to india and for a long time this is in my mind to continue, when I ask my hubby abt this, he says if u want to study then leave the baby in india with my parents for that time as I will be doing studies and no extra income as we cant have a nanny that time to have the baby with us and day care is one thing which we cant opt bcos of my hubby’s work travel and my erratic time during studies (if I opt bcos it’s a full time assignments and all that) and as well now my hubby not willing to leave her in day care bcos of lot of infections and he says baby will be longing also as the time will be around 10 to 12 hrs a day, also his point is if I want to study with full concentration then its better to leave her with my mom, somebody should be there for her as now she is with my family back in india and having lot of people around her.
Here do u think I should continue studies or rather leave it at this point of time without giving tension to ppl around me (parents and Hubby) and be at home till I get some real help to take care of baby as I can work later and study even later. We also have plans to buy a house soon and my hubby is very particular abt this. Anyway he is not forcing me to work but in his mind he feels nobody is with him to help him in finance matters, and I strongly feel that this higher studies will help me to sit in a gud job after a break I had from work when I was a stay at home mom. When it comes here, he asks me to go back to india and be with baby and if I want I work der as I get gud jobs der and he will stay here alone for 5 yrs and come back as for us to buy a own house in india. This is all possible if I quit to study here and go back india for good.
Bcos if I study now, I need to sacrifice my baby not being with her, but im 28 now and so confused and fed up with life, my mom still has 3 yrs service then only she can come with us and stay. This nanny which we have seen also does not seem to be committed and donno which ever time she can leave us, so cant depend on nanny’s nowadays. My husband said daycare is gud and now after leaving baby with mom he says she needs our people and no day care is not gud, even sometimes I go with him in this day care as I cant leave her with some unknown ppl for most of the day. Atleast the nanny we have is a known face to her.
So after reading all this, you know in what state of mind iam in, rather confused and iam more confusing my hubby and parents too, I know if I choose to stay at home closing my mouth there will not be more problems but is this for gud or what? only thing is if iam home, my hubby starts to get frustrated saying abt finance pressure and no own house, sometimes I feel very irritated about this. But he wont say this after all this I think, he will also close his mouth as I will revert him with saying this is for gud of family to being together (it’s a big thing) we are doing. so with single income, we have to buy a house which will take rather long yrs or i shd go back to india with baby leaving my hubby to earn money for a house and better settlement. which is gud?
I have poured in my mind to you, now pls help me clear my mind. Donno what life is in store??

Here also not only me, my hubby is stubborn in some ways and even my mom not ready to leave her job for joining us (only 3 yrs service left) so that one pressure will be reduced for the baby to be with us no worries whether the nanny troubles are there or not, my hubby not forcing me for anything but asks me to follows some things if I want to work or study, so what iam supposed to do in this position? I can clearly understand that they are stubborn on their own ways bcos of financial issues for both of them is some ways or other.

Spiderman1 · Dec 30, 2010

poojaagar said: ↑

my mom still has 3 yrs service then only she can come with us and stay.
Click to expand...

Your kid is your and DH's responsibility. Your mom and dad have already done their parenting by raising you. This is their free time as grandparents. Do not make them do substitute-parenting, that does not seem correct.

1. Either you stay home and look after your kid
2. Either you go to India with your baby and look after your kid there (with minimal help from family) - but still your main job to do parenting. This is a tough option to separate the family. Dont take this option lightly.
3. Have a nanny while you study. Do you really not have money for this? If so, then this may not be an option. But if you can pull the finances do this option 3. Postpone "building the house", then can you not hire a nanny?

Do one of the 3 options. Dont ship the kid off.

Bottomline: Your kid - your (and DH) responsibility. You alone are the mother and need to be one right now (not later on). Your baby will need the mother (and no grandparents are not parents).

tashidelek2002 · Dec 30, 2010

You seem to be trying to have everything. Sadly, we cannot have everything...we have to have some and not have others for any choice. You need to pick your battles. My goddaughter was in a situation similar to yours and her parents sent her to India for a couple years.....they really regret that decision now. You said your mom can come over in 3 years....why don't you take care of your baby until then and finish your degree than, maybe work on it parttime until then. Be creative right now on managing the family income/finances. Try and be happy with what you can manage instead of worrying that you can't do everything. That is impossible to do (at least if you want to be sane).

poojaagar · Dec 30, 2010

hi tashidelek2002,
Just like to know any specific reason that they regret the decision now, why the baby is not so attached to them or what kinds? pls tell me as this will help me to decide something bcos my mom is willing to take her that time when i start my studies now for one year.

flowerlady · Dec 30, 2010

You have left your baby with your mom who is also working, so your kid is been looked after by a maid !! You are so dependent on your mom for everything right from bringing up your kid to coming and doing the same after retirement !
When will you take your duties as a mom seriously ?

Its tragic that both you and DH consider a baby inconvenient in your life. There are so many things that both of you want to do , raising a child is not not one of them .
If this was the case you should have thought of it earlier before having one.
The kid is already 2 years old soon she will start school . Imagine grandparents going for PTAs as parents are too ambitious and busy !

Well, babies grow up and ask questions ,be ready with answers !!!

Preet82 · Dec 30, 2010

Dear Pooja,

I am in a similar position as you but thankfully have completed my masters before marriage.I am looking for a job (both for financial and personal reasons) and my baby is 15 months old.I know its a very very hard decision.I am also planning a full-time nanny if i get a job.But my opinion is - WHERE THERE IS A WILL,THERE IS A WAY..DO WHAT YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT.If you thinks doing masters is the need of the hour go ahead and do it,get a part time job and send baby to day care for few hours.
Like many others i also don't suggest you send the baby to India.Your baby is your responsibility,she does need mamma and pappa .
I also has suggested my mom to take voluntary retirement or sabbatical leave and join us,but she said she would loose all those benefits the government employees get after retirement of full service and then i realized it is so unfair to ask them,they have worked 30 + years so that they can receive good retirement benefits.Just imagine 25 years from now your daughter asks you to quit your job and leave your life behind and join you in a foreign country to look after her kids..so not fair right?
Your baby is 2,very soon she will start school,so don't worry,as days pass by she will get more and more independent and you can confidently leave her with a nanny/day care.right now just do whatever you think is the need of the hour.IF you have to make some sacrifices,do it and then look ahead..do not regret and crib..more than anything be positive.Everything will happen in God's time(right time).ALL THE BEST

Haya · Dec 30, 2010

Pooja,

I can see how confused you are now.
I wud suggest, just list ur priorities now
baby
studies
house
job
decide which comes utmost for you

ur daughter is already 2 yrs old, and she wl strat schooling in a couple of years
so can u think of the option of be with ur kid now and continue ur studies or job once she start schooling
u r just 28 now and so can always continue studies and may be ur mom can also help u by that time after she retires
u wl need to postpone ur dream of building a house for a couple of years

a house can be always built
but the years that u lose with ur daughter never comes back
so convince ur hubby that its just a matter of few years and its all for ur daughter
wl save more and build a house in future with due time
when she strts schooling u can think of options of job or studies or both hand in hand, if u can

the other option is to leave ur daughter for house and ur studies for a few years
but do u think its worth it??

JMO

Haya

poojaagar · Dec 30, 2010

hi flowerlady,

Thanks for your reply, seeing urs im hurt a lot actually, made me feel like a heartless creature in this world.
i donno what to say, in a way u opened my eyes of showing which is my priority now, one thing i want to let u know is we are in the process of deciding now, not yet decided anything as i have ample time for my studies to apply and all that, first i shd get admission here in the rat race thing. But my concern is to know how to work it out if that happens, thats y i wrote here, also even my mom says if u lose this age also then how u will save for ur betterment or baby future, and ready to take the responsibilty, thats y i thot of doing the course, normally the masters will be for 2 yrs but in my case its really a short one compared , can finish including project within a year but full fledged concentration required.
pls do not mistake me for my post, one more thing is of course the house can wait according to me but my hubby is sensitive in this matter as ppl constantly questions him why u still not getting types. the society don see the emotional involvement and keeps record of monetary benefits sometimes, he is way too much involved in that state right now.
Also as preet82 said, im too in a similiar situation, need of the hour, is job for both personal and financial reason, as i can work only now and cant do in my old age right

headspin · Dec 30, 2010

pooja,

i can understand what you feel. IMO what you can do is:

1. put baby in day care. common she/he is 2 yrs old... trust me you will do her a big favour coz she will enjoy being there. take my word!! its better to put kids in day care apart from falling sick (if at all), there is no harm to them. she will enjoy being with kids, playing and learning things. and im sure day cares are not so bad that you have to worry so much. after all your kid is not going to be the only one there right?? where there are lots of other children, teachers, etc).

2. NEVER keep nanny at home when your child is alone. its more dangerous thing. now a days nannies alone with kids make use of kids for begging on roads. in india it has happened lot of times... nannies are option only when there is someone at home to monitor the nanny as well!!!

3. ALWAYS stay together as family with dh and kids. thats how love and bonding happens. leaving kids 1000's of kms away, across the seas for what? life has no meaning like this. also, its not fair to depend on parents... their work is done with raising you and other siblings.

4. Last option: quit job to avoid all confusion - but i think it will not solve your 'problems'. esp financial ones.

Finally - realize that this is what ALL WORKING mothers feel. so you are not alone and done feel its a big deal. all you need to do is, list your priorities and be strong.

poojaagar · Dec 30, 2010

Preet82 said: ↑

Dear Pooja,

I am in a similar position as you but thankfully have completed my masters before marriage.I am looking for a job (both for financial and personal reasons) and my baby is 15 months old.I know its a very very hard decision.I am also planning a full-time nanny if i get a job.But my opinion is - WHERE THERE IS A WILL,THERE IS A WAY..DO WHAT YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT.If you thinks doing masters is the need of the hour go ahead and do it,get a part time job and send baby to day care for few hours.
Like many others i also don't suggest you send the baby to India.Your baby is your responsibility,she does need mamma and pappa .
I also has suggested my mom to take voluntary retirement or sabbatical leave and join us,but she said she would loose all those benefits the government employees get after retirement of full service and then i realized it is so unfair to ask them,they have worked 30 + years so that they can receive good retirement benefits.Just imagine 25 years from now your daughter asks you to quit your job and leave your life behind and join you in a foreign country to look after her kids..so not fair right?
Your baby is 2,very soon she will start school,so don't worry,as days pass by she will get more and more independent and you can confidently leave her with a nanny/day care.right now just do whatever you think is the need of the hour.IF you have to make some sacrifices,do it and then look ahead..do not regret and crib..more than anything be positive.Everything will happen in God's time(right time).ALL THE BEST
Click to expand...

Thanks a lot for understanding, its very nice if someone really understands ur concerns, exaactly i can understand that u too r in my position, i was also talking more abt the need of the hour. my mom says if u lose this time also the education cant return again, do it and sit in a nice job so that its gud for my kids future, she says u have left ur kid only to me rite, why u r worrying kinds, she says she will also take a months leave and stay with us so that i can be with my daughter. once u finish my kid will go to school that time so that u can work or take a break for sometime if i want. so have to decide on somthing soon