Lack of trust and love ..pls help

Hello ,

My problem is again similar as of everyone here. My In laws were living with us in india and I did not share a good relationship with MIL. My MIL is a social butterfly and very lazy to do any household work such as cooking. I was working too so used to leave my 5 month old son at home with in-laws. But my MIL would even leave my son alone with maid or FIL and go to kitty parties etc. She has no attachment with grandchildren. She only cares abt her social friends circle.My husband was fully aware of everything and used to support me 100% because he saw everything from his own eyes how my MIL is treating my house and child. She never cookied any meal and just sit around , watch TV after coming from parties. She would not even let us keep a live in maid for some reason best known to her. DH tried to speak to her so many times regarding the issues but nothing changed. He tried everything...speaking gently, shouting , crying but my MIL attitute did not change a bit. MY DH was so frustated and So we decided to move to US. Now my IL keep staying in our house and have a lavish lifestyle with no responsibilities. My DH once asked them to move to their own house but they refused as they like the high class social circle and glamour of the big city. We accepted our fate and moved on. Till this time me and my hubby shared a very good relationship.
Now the problem is that after coming here which is very shocking and unexpected. Now I am also working fulltime here in US and as u all know a very busy life style with 1 year old son. Beleive me I do so much for DH , cook him fresh healthy and his favoiurite meals. Cook 2 veggies for him even after coming home from work at 6. Cook for fussy eating baby. Do our household work and get 0 percent support from husband. (u know how indian male child is pampered there and so do not help wife in US after marriege). I complaint sometimes but no result so i keep on doing eveything on my own so as to just be a happy fammily away from IL's problems. Now my husband has started missing his parents, has started appreciating his mother and has forgotten everything what happened in india. He has suddenly chaged and says his parents are best in the world....maybe I am the culprit for how my MIL behaved in india. He says , taking care of our son is not their responsibility and they should be free to enjoy their life. he has started hating me and avoiding me.... I spend whole evening in kitchen to take care of everyone needs (beleive me we only used to eat lunch in office. no bfast , no dinner- just bcoz my MIL would not cook and I sometimes cud not cook after coming from office and with a 5 month old baby) and instead of appreciating , he says i am not efficient and i dont know time management and am unproductive thats why i spend so much time in kitchen. We have almost no physical life ever since we came to US. IMO, he thiinks that i am the reason that he has to be away from his parents. Although my IL are having a luxery life without even having to spend one rupee. MY DH takes care of all the bills and expenses online and even sends them few thousand dollars. But I dont know what to do to bring back the trust and having him appreciate the efforts I am putting for him.... I am stuck......strange enough we have a loveless married life which i least expected when we moved to us for good..

Stuti

 

Hi Priya...Thanks for your quick reply. I agree that because my DH is not used to do any household work so even a small task like throwing the trash once a week aslo upsets him a lot. Dropping and picking baby from daycare , baby's frequent sickness due to being new in daycare etc makes him so mad. He says 3 times a day that he just wants to go back to india.
The real reason is his mother's attitude and laziness but now he thinks coz i could not get along with her well so I am the culprit.
I would also like to mention that his parents constantly hipnotize him...whenever DH gets a promotion or appreciation or good career oppertunity or even when i conceived and had a son, my In-laws always take the whole credit and say that because they pray for us and keep fast for our well being thats why he got promoted OR thats why we had a baby OR thats why I got a job in US...and my husband strongly beleives them and my husband says that its just because of his parents prayers and blesings, we are breathing and having a comfortable life.
Can he not see that we have money but not love. We have luxery but not happiness ......

 

Thanks you all for your inputs.
Well, to an extend you are right and i can also try to change myself.
But I also dont think that taking care of our child is their responsibility.
But what I meant was that when grandparents are living with their son (and not vice versa : They have their 2 bunglows rented out and earn all the rent) grandparents usually enjoy taking care of the grandchild. First child of the only son is usually an apple of grandparents eyes but here its not the case. Its not wrong on our part to expect some cooperation from in laws when they have all the time in the world, fit and healthy and just 52 y old. We tried to convince them to keep a maid (we will pay obviously) so that they dont have to do anything but MIL used to say that I go for parties and all so who will keep an eye on maid and she will steal things. so no help there. MY DH was totally with me in all these scenarios above and just wanted their little help so that both of us working and paying EMIs is easier. we never asked them to cutoff their social life.
I think only I know how it feels when ur 5 month old infant has been crying and hungry for 4 hrs and noone at home to feed him . How my son used to be in Poop mess for hrs and cry and noone at home to clean him. FIL cud not do these things and MIL was never home.
Well I might sound stubborn but there are so many other factors contributing to it. Dowry, so much expectation from my parents on festivals etc (i have no brother so my 61 yr old father still working ...no choice there). So I am sorry but I do feel jealous and bad for my parents compared to my ILs.
And pls beleive me I swear when i say I had a c-section and I came home from Hoaspital 4 th day evening and by night I was in kitchen cooking and boiling milk !!

sorry if i sound too rigid

 

@SriVidya: mu DH calls my in-laws almost every day and talks for hours....telling abt whats going on here and our sons activities etc

@Mehana : After c-section, my MIL didnt let me go to my parents and insisted that the custom is that if i get them a grandson then i have to stay at my sasural and also she wanted to show her friends that she is taking care of everything but actually she just used to watch tv all day and i was cooking(atleast for myself coz cannot eat anything and everything after delivery), wasing baby's nappies, and taking care of baby.

 

@SriVidya: I completely agree with you... "also remember one thing the more resistance you show towards his feelings the more he will think negative about you and will go far away from you. "

I just wonder why he was also so much against his mother when we were in india and he could see our son suffer. But now when we are away , he took a 360 degree turn and says that she is the most wonderful Dadi and mother anyone can have. I am curious that if I also have to be away from him to win his love and trust !!