Rebuilding a broken trust

Hi,
I recently read a lot of articles on infidelity, extra marital affairs and etc...
Its' not about whether the man is or the woman is into wrong actions... and lets not get into whether it is right or wrong...
I want a different level of discussion here... - ABOUT TRUST!

Lets' consider a scenario where the Mr.X was indulged in wrong doings and keeping secrets after few days Ms.Y comes to know it and Mr.X confesses and is innocent to his own fault and apologises for his mistake and is ready to rework on the relationship... Ms. Y is also ready to forgive and start a new life. They are so much in love with each other that they don't want to break the realtionship. The whole wrong doing episode was out of control / consciousness. So lets not blame any party..

The whole point here is about how do we get the same trust back in the relationship. Please avoid negative comments like 'they should split', 'it will not work out' or 'Need to live with it' etc...

Just want to start this discussion with a positive approach only

Please give genuine ways to get back the same old trust back. It is ofcourse there but there is a sense of fear & doubt on both the sides as to how to set things back on track...

Probably some seniors can be of great help...

I am actually writing a paper on Trust & Relationships. This is one of the dimensions...

Your ideas please!

I think marital counseling in such a case will help.

The person who has lost trust is not going to regain it by just being told by his/her spouse that they are not going to do it again. There are steps to be taken by the person that has broken the bond of trust and an experienced professional counselor will be better able to pin point what those can be. Sometimes there are certain triggers in a relationship that one is not aware of that leads to mistrust or discord etc. A counselor will be able to help the couple in eliminating those triggers thereby improving their relationship dynamics and also the trust issue.

No outside force can bring back the trust you had with him... There will always be an inch of suspicion henceforth... Since both are trying to iron out the relationship, it may not be very vociferous or damaging, but, doubt is seeded. Sorry for being brutally frank........ I do not beat around the bush.............

Hey Mals,
I would like to contradict your point because when love is there everything else will go blind. So doubt being seeded or is it at a surface level is more a mental thing & every individual can play it as per their wish. If one truly wants to get rid of the doubt/suspicion, its only a mind exercise.

Just my viewpoint... Not an argument...

Invite more participation

thanks!

Originally Posted by 10shwetha

Hey Mals,
I would like to contradict your point because when love is there everything else will go blind. So doubt being seeded or is it at a surface level is more a mental thing & every individual can play it as per their wish. If one truly wants to get rid of the doubt/suspicion, its only a mind exercise.

Just my viewpoint... Not an argument...

Invite more participation

thanks!

Coz of love reconcilation is attempted. You can call it mind game or mind strength.. Whichever way you look at him .0001% of doubt will still remain... It will not lead to any future damage... but the mind will keep ticking ........

Marriages are built on trust. Trust is like a pillar and if that pillar is damaged, one may re-seal or re-plaster and apply a new coat of paint. But the marks cannot be wiped out. It will take years to re-build that lost trust and will happen gradually. There can be no tailor-made or custom-built solution to re-build trust.

Just my 2 paisa worth of thought!

I agree with Nivedi & Malspie. Trust is the very foundation of a loving marriage .. or any relationship for that matter. Even if the incident was very silly or some other reason caused it ; the incident of breach of trust did occur !! Nothing can change that occurrence ! You can't go back & wipe it off .

Trust is like fragile glass --- even if the tiny crack has been 'superglued', the crack will still be there. For some reasons like love, children, society, etc. the couple may decide to continue / forgive & forget as they say.....but the relationship would have certainly lost the charm !!!

Originally Posted by 10shwetha

Hi,
I recently read a lot of articles on infidelity, extra marital affairs and etc...
Its' not about whether the man is or the woman is into wrong actions... and lets not get into whether it is right or wrong...
I want a different level of discussion here... - ABOUT TRUST!

Lets' consider a scenario where the Mr.X was indulged in wrong doings and keeping secrets after few days Ms.Y comes to know it and Mr.X confesses and is innocent to his own fault and apologises for his mistake and is ready to rework on the relationship... Ms. Y is also ready to forgive and start a new life. They are so much in love with each other that they don't want to break the realtionship. The whole wrong doing episode was out of control / consciousness. So lets not blame any party..

The whole point here is about how do we get the same trust back in the relationship. Please avoid negative comments like 'they should split', 'it will not work out' or 'Need to live with it' etc...

Just want to start this discussion with a positive approach only

Please give genuine ways to get back the same old trust back. It is ofcourse there but there is a sense of fear & doubt on both the sides as to how to set things back on track...

Probably some seniors can be of great help...

I am actually writing a paper on Trust & Relationships. This is one of the dimensions...

Your ideas please!

For a change somebody wants a positive approach....

Trust is an integral part of any relationship. a breach in trust takes a long time to be repaired. You need a lot of patience, love, honesty and commitment because rebuilding trust is never easy as building it in the first place.

So let me try...
Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse. It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away. But it does not prove a point in bringing the issue in between you at the drop of pin.
Decide to forgive and to be forgiven.
Change your behaviour to show that you are trying to show that you are putting the episode back which also means no more secrets, lies.
Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back.
The one who is hurt must must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on. understanding this helps a lot.
Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.
Be honest.
Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding if necessary.
rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.

I hope this helps.

Originally Posted by shanvy

For a change somebody wants a positive approach....

Trust is an integral part of any relationship. a breach in trust takes a long time to be repaired. You need a lot of patience, love, honesty and commitment because rebuilding trust is never easy as building it in the first place.

So let me try...
Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse. It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away. But it does not prove a point in bringing the issue in between you at the drop of pin.
Decide to forgive and to be forgiven.
Change your behaviour to show that you are trying to show that you are putting the episode back which also means no more secrets, lies.
Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back.
The one who is hurt must must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on. understanding this helps a lot.
Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.
Be honest.
Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding if necessary.
rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.

I hope this helps.

Hi

I fully agree with shanvy.

Regaining the trust takes a long time. Only time will heal the pain. Both the parties should be open to each other and be honest.

Both should be sincere in the whole process of rebuilding the realationship.....

Veda