Tolearnce level!

I never thought so many of us can be sailing in the same boat.

Even mine is a 6 yr ol' love marriage with MIL opposing so badly that DH married without telling his mom. So you can understand the heat and the burns experienced when her pet son marries like this. Just glad that DH is much matured individual than I am.

The reason why most MILs behave like this is sheer insecurity and inferior complexity. So they try to act this way. Complex human emotions! Well I am not asking you to leave this topic alone b'cos this is something close to you and hurting parents is not forgiven but see if your husband is always critical in all scenarios. If its the case then I am sorry this person may not be worth the salt. But if he's insulting only in front of your ILs chances are that he's trying to prove that his mom is over you and thus to boost their ego which is stupid.

Tell him that by such a display of action he's damaging your relationship with him and that your future is bleak as it hurts you to see someone you love stands so low. I am sure that dose would be good enough.. Now you cheer up and feel happy that this is not a big problem and that you have loads of company!

Vaidehi,

You are doing the right thing. People do not realize how hurtful they are being until they get back a little of it themselves.

And the best part is because you dished it out immediately, you do not keep all the tension inside you...good for you!

About your co-sis, can you talk to her one on one separately? Try and chat with her regularly...is she approachable or friendly? If yes, then try and be friends with her. Your BIL will come around as soon as your co-sis comes around.

Aarushi

Originally Posted by vaidehi

...
Now adays whenever there is any such case in my house,i make it a point to answer back either to my husband or my mil in the same tone as they talk to me and forget it the very next moment, and try to act as if nothing has happen. this has come as a rude shock to them. I know that somwhere only i can put a full stop to all this nonsense .
But the thing which still bothers me is my bil and co-sis who are sitting far away in US nd still creating problem to me .
i m still clueless abt handling these people and keep questioning myself what wrong have i done to them and what pleasure do they get by harrasing me.

cheers
vaidehi

Originally Posted by mithili

I meant women are women in any centuray means women are supposed to be kind,caring,adjustable,......means to have a balance in ur relation there is a negatve and a positive.if we are postive no negative shud exactly affect us.the amoutn of maturity woman recieves after all the drama in life is 1000 fold better than the loss of remeining away from supposed to be dear one.

Hi Mithili,

I just couldn't help responding after reading your message. I am amazed that you seem to think that negatives like taunts, verbal abuse and bad behavior will not affect the woman to whom all this is being targeted. Emotional well being depends to a large extent on the behavior of people around you (with whom you interact on a day to day basis).

Since we sometimes judge others by what is happening in our own lives, let us not do the same mistake here.

You do not know what Induskr had to suffer before she took the step of separation and divorce. Please do not offer a platitude like "suffering drama 1000 times is better than staying away from a dear one" (I'm assuming you mean husband here).

Originally Posted by mithili

merely staying in seperate houses thinking have given gud things to our kids is just a way to console oursleves of having won over the ego of another person...divorcing is a very easy answer ....just the way to escape from a very difficult situation life had to offer for which we have not been able to answer in a better way.anyway carreer and independence women recieve these days make them feel they are nothing lower to anyone

Mithili: All I can say is that people do not love being alone (in general) nor do they love being abused (I'm sure). I am also sure that everyone who enters a marriage does so with happiness and dreams of their own. Looking down on somebody who took this extreme step is not really a nice thing. Calling a lady an egoist just because she decided to walk out of a bad marriage is in my opinion being very judgemental. As they say, you should not judge somebody until you have walked in their shoes.

Originally Posted by mithili

after this a woman has to decide whther she really wants to put in her efforts and trials or to tear away things apart or set right right away.

Again - many people are quick to jump on to the band wagon that the woman did not try hard enough to maintain her marriage. In general women spend months and years trying to keep a facade of their married life before they give up.

After all - What is a marriage? Is it living together? Is it existing together? Is it enriching each other? Is it companionship? Is it love and friendship existing together?

OR

is it living with somebody who demeans you every step of the way? abuses you physically/mentally? disrespects you intellectually and emotionally? Controls your every action be it financial or otherwise?

I think it all really depends on which category your marriage falls under. If it is the former, then yes, I agree, it does make sense to try to make the marriage work. However if there is a combination of the latter in your marriage, then yes, I will support the woman who decides that enough is enough and wants to leave a life of misery and unhappiness.

If our own married life is relatively peaceful/happy, then it is easy to snicker at others who have not been that lucky. Marriage has an element of risk. So let us not presume that we are the most adjusting, patient, ego-less person inhabiting this earth. It is just our luck that we did not end up with somebody who was incompatible or mean or abusive.

Let us also come down from our high horses and start empathizing with women who have taken the road less trodden. It makes a better universe for all of us.

As an aside, the reason why the number of women who stay in loveless, abusive marriages in India is so high is because there are not enough women help lines and support shelters. Many times a woman does not know whom to turn to for help. It is not that she chooses to be abused. She just doesn't have a choice.

love,
Aarushi