Tolearnce level!

Hi Vaidehi,
Tolerance also means ignoring the mistakes/harsh words/deeds of others.Unfortunately its always the DIL who has to do it...Even in our marriages, all the advice, adjustments and tolerance are drilled in to the girl's brain ..I recently saw some ladies singing'purushan veettli vaazhapogum penne, thangachi kanne'... with much enthusiasm in a marriage..No song advice or lessons for the boy or MIL...They'll be just what they are and the newcomer has to please them, adjust with them and keep quiet listening to all the rubbish they talk...Whatever u've mentioned happens in most of the houses and other ILites have given wonderful answers...I will only add that you be urself...Make sure that you get the love and understanding from your husband. Everything else is secondary.You have the full right to have his attention and love...All the best
Love
Meena

Hi Ladies,

I have ben receiving so many reviews from so many ilites,i feel really happy to be heard and given an ear , since all this thoughts were somewhere disturbing me deep inside my mind and deeply wanted a solace . Personally i feel only we ladies can change situation which many of face in our day to day lives.

As i remember somebody has rightly said , Womens are the biggest enemy of themselves, very Truly said Isn't it.
In my case i m more frustrated on my mil since she being a women should not voice any such discrimination. What if i shout back at her sibblings or parents then i would be the worst Dil in the whole world.

Now adays whenever there is any such case in my house,i make it a point to answer back either to my husband or my mil in the same tone as they talk to me and forget it the very next moment, and try to act as if nothing has happen. this has come as a rude shock to them. I know that somwhere only i can put a full stop to all this nonsense .
But the thing which still bothers me is my bil and co-sis who are sitting far away in US nd still creating problem to me .
i m still clueless abt handling these people and keep questioning myself what wrong have i done to them and what pleasure do they get by harrasing me.

cheers
vaidehi

Well, MITHILI, here's something for you:

You said: "women are women in wht ever century....lets celebrate to spread love not hatred"

What part of my post made you feel I am spreading hatred? Asking Vaidehi to stand up for herself and not take any of the nonsense is spreading hatred?

And what exactly do you mean by "women are women in wht ever century" What happenned to all the women we know of in our history who fought for their country and their own pride? Why are we not talking about them? What women are you referring to?

Well, let me tell you that I was brought up in a very traditional, conservative family. But my parents gave me the right education and tools to live life in the right spirit. My father told me ...never to let ANYONE step on my back, be it my husband, my children or himself. He taught me thru every stage in life that life is very precious and you live it once. You cant think back when you are 75 if your life would have been better if you had made your decisions differently.

You also say: "if ur feeling the loss then u will neevr be able to forgive urself..." Forgive myself for what? For leaving someone who did not take his duty as a husband serioulsy and not protect me from his sadistic folks??

Well, H E L L O....please note that I am extremly happy as a person that I made my decision to leave my EX Husband because he was similar to Vaidehi's husband, but not nearly to that extent. But I still left him because that is not what I bargained for when I got married.

I am very happy now and you know why I am happy?

Because today I am a better mom!!!! I have more time to value the important things in life, like my son, than spending my time crying over some fool who has no value for his wife and her peace of mind.

Because my son is much more happier than ever!!!! He sees two parents who are living apart, but are more happier, sane and not arguing than having both parents under the same roof, screaming their lungs off at each other.

Because today I have more energy!!! I dont have to go home everyday and endure the drama anymore and I am not emotinally drained.

Because today I am more satisfied with my career!!!! I dont have to sit at work and think about my miseries at home.

If Vaidehi's problems would have been so easily taken care of by giving him love and keeping herself quiet (which she has been doing for 4 1/2 years) she would not have been on this portal asking for help!!!!

I do agree with SUNITAGN. It is not easy to walk out of a relationship. I did not walk out of mine overnight. It took me 6 months to even bring the word "divorce" on my lips. I cancelled 4 seperate appointments with an attorney before I had the strenth to walk into his office. It took me 10 months to leave the house after I had made up my mind to separate. No divorced woman does this for fun. There is a reason why people decide to leave someone. Maybe it is different living in India as a divorced woman than being one in the US. But ultimately, if you are NOT happy, what is your life worth??

All in all, if "giving up self respect" = "husband's love" I would not blink for a second to make the decision that I want the first one.

I am not asking anyone to leave their husbands. You just have to think what is important in your life and make the decision. No one will do it for you.....it is your decision and you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

Dear Induskr

Firstly,welcome to our forum.It is really nice to hear different views from each and every ilite and I respect your views too.Infact,after a very long time,we are getting ilites who are having completely different views here when it comes to in-laws ,joint family etc.

I have noticed too that we have an overdose of people here who keep advising others to always put up with their husbands,inlaws etc,whatever crap they do to us.All our life we will be putting up with this and finally when all these troubles are over,there will be nothing much called life to lead.Why should we always be the doormats..why can't we stand up and say-enough is enough. I am not saying leave your husbands and go but atleast fight for yourself!

Vaidegi has already taken the clue...good for you vaidegi..if you have to stand up for yourself,just do it,it is not always possible to keep quiet and take anything that is thrown our way.

Originally Posted by induskr

Well, MITHILI, here's something for you:

You said: "women are women in wht ever century....lets celebrate to spread love not hatred"

What part of my post made you feel I am spreading hatred? Asking Vaidehi to stand up for herself and not take any of the nonsense is spreading hatred?

And what exactly do you mean by "women are women in wht ever century" What happenned to all the women we know of in our history who fought for their country and their own pride? Why are we not talking about them? What women are you referring to?

Well, let me tell you that I was brought up in a very traditional, conservative family. But my parents gave me the right education and tools to live life in the right spirit. My father told me ...never to let ANYONE step on my back, be it my husband, my children or himself. He taught me thru every stage in life that life is very precious and you live it once. You cant think back when you are 75 if your life would have been better if you had made your decisions differently.

You also say: "if ur feeling the loss then u will neevr be able to forgive urself..." Forgive myself for what? For leaving someone who did not take his duty as a husband serioulsy and not protect me from his sadistic folks??

Well, H E L L O....please note that I am extremly happy as a person that I made my decision to leave my EX Husband because he was similar to Vaidehi's husband, but not nearly to that extent. But I still left him because that is not what I bargained for when I got married.

I am very happy now and you know why I am happy?

Because today I am a better mom!!!! I have more time to value the important things in life, like my son, than spending my time crying over some fool who has no value for his wife and her peace of mind.

Because my son is much more happier than ever!!!! He sees two parents who are living apart, but are more happier, sane and not arguing than having both parents under the same roof, screaming their lungs off at each other.

Because today I have more energy!!! I dont have to go home everyday and endure the drama anymore and I am not emotinally drained.

Because today I am more satisfied with my career!!!! I dont have to sit at work and think about my miseries at home.

If Vaidehi's problems would have been so easily taken care of by giving him love and keeping herself quiet (which she has been doing for 4 1/2 years) she would not have been on this portal asking for help!!!!

I do agree with SUNITAGN. It is not easy to walk out of a relationship. I did not walk out of mine overnight. It took me 6 months to even bring the word "divorce" on my lips. I cancelled 4 seperate appointments with an attorney before I had the strenth to walk into his office. It took me 10 months to leave the house after I had made up my mind to separate. No divorced woman does this for fun. There is a reason why people decide to leave someone. Maybe it is different living in India as a divorced woman than being one in the US. But ultimately, if you are NOT happy, what is your life worth??

All in all, if "giving up self respect" = "husband's love" I would not blink for a second to make the decision that I want the first one.

I am not asking anyone to leave their husbands. You just have to think what is important in your life and make the decision. No one will do it for you.....it is your decision and you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

hai induskr,
JUZZ cool dear!I meant women are women in any centuray means women are supposed to be kind,caring,adjustable,......means to have a balance in ur relation there is a negatve and a positive.if we are postive no negative shud exactly affect us.the amoutn of maturity woman recieves after all the drama in life is 1000 fold better than the loss of remeining away from supposed to be dear one. merely staying in seperate houses thinking have given gud things to our kids is just a way to console ourslevesof having won over the ego of another person.at any point of time we have to be matched or more than our husband regarding maintaining a relation. divorcing is a very easy answer to get away from our countr part or better half but it is just the way to escape from a very difficult situation life had to offer for which we have not been able to answer in a better way.anyway carreer and independence women recieve these days make them feel they are nothing lower to anyone(although they are not!and no one is better than a woman).after this a woman has to decide whther she really wants to put in her efforts and trials or to tear away things apart or set right right away.
dear,even my parents have also given me gud education aand helped me take my own decesions and havea stride on my life.am also a career woman ....but,..they have also taught me to understand tht there is sumone more greater than you..
well,i apppretiate ur efforts to manage the home wholesome urself...keep going ..all the very best !!!! cheers!

Originally Posted by induskr

Well, MITHILI, here's something for you:

You said: "women are women in wht ever century....lets celebrate to spread love not hatred"

What part of my post made you feel I am spreading hatred? Asking Vaidehi to stand up for herself and not take any of the nonsense is spreading hatred?

And what exactly do you mean by "women are women in wht ever century" What happenned to all the women we know of in our history who fought for their country and their own pride? Why are we not talking about them? What women are you referring to?

Well, let me tell you that I was brought up in a very traditional, conservative family. But my parents gave me the right education and tools to live life in the right spirit. My father told me ...never to let ANYONE step on my back, be it my husband, my children or himself. He taught me thru every stage in life that life is very precious and you live it once. You cant think back when you are 75 if your life would have been better if you had made your decisions differently.

You also say: "if ur feeling the loss then u will neevr be able to forgive urself..." Forgive myself for what? For leaving someone who did not take his duty as a husband serioulsy and not protect me from his sadistic folks??

Well, H E L L O....please note that I am extremly happy as a person that I made my decision to leave my EX Husband because he was similar to Vaidehi's husband, but not nearly to that extent. But I still left him because that is not what I bargained for when I got married.

I am very happy now and you know why I am happy?

Because today I am a better mom!!!! I have more time to value the important things in life, like my son, than spending my time crying over some fool who has no value for his wife and her peace of mind.

Because my son is much more happier than ever!!!! He sees two parents who are living apart, but are more happier, sane and not arguing than having both parents under the same roof, screaming their lungs off at each other.

Because today I have more energy!!! I dont have to go home everyday and endure the drama anymore and I am not emotinally drained.

Because today I am more satisfied with my career!!!! I dont have to sit at work and think about my miseries at home.

If Vaidehi's problems would have been so easily taken care of by giving him love and keeping herself quiet (which she has been doing for 4 1/2 years) she would not have been on this portal asking for help!!!!

I do agree with SUNITAGN. It is not easy to walk out of a relationship. I did not walk out of mine overnight. It took me 6 months to even bring the word "divorce" on my lips. I cancelled 4 seperate appointments with an attorney before I had the strenth to walk into his office. It took me 10 months to leave the house after I had made up my mind to separate. No divorced woman does this for fun. There is a reason why people decide to leave someone. Maybe it is different living in India as a divorced woman than being one in the US. But ultimately, if you are NOT happy, what is your life worth??

All in all, if "giving up self respect" = "husband's love" I would not blink for a second to make the decision that I want the first one.

I am not asking anyone to leave their husbands. You just have to think what is important in your life and make the decision. No one will do it for you.....it is your decision and you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

hai induskr,
JUZZ cool dear!I meant women are women in any centuray means women are supposed to be kind,caring,adjustable,......means to have a balance in ur relation there is a negatve and a positive.if we are postive no negative shud exactly affect us.the amoutn of maturity woman recieves after all the drama in life is 1000 fold better than the loss of remeining away from supposed to be dear one. merely staying in seperate houses thinking have given gud things to our kids is just a way to console ourslevesof having won over the ego of another person.at any point of time we have to be matched or more than our husband regarding maintaining a relation. divorcing is a very easy answer to get away from our countr part or better half but it is just the way to escape from a very difficult situation life had to offer for which we have not been able to answer in a better way.anyway carreer and independence women recieve these days make them feel they are nothing lower to anyone(although they are not!and no one is better than a woman).after this a woman has to decide whther she really wants to put in her efforts and trials or to tear away things apart or set right right away.
dear,even my parents have also given me gud education aand helped me take my own decesions and havea stride on my life.am also a career woman ....but,..they have also taught me to understand tht there is sumone more greater than you..
well,i apppretiate ur efforts to manage the home wholesome urself...keep going ..all the very best !!!! cheers!

Originally Posted by induskr

Well, MITHILI, here's something for you:

You said: "women are women in wht ever century....lets celebrate to spread love not hatred"

What part of my post made you feel I am spreading hatred? Asking Vaidehi to stand up for herself and not take any of the nonsense is spreading hatred?

And what exactly do you mean by "women are women in wht ever century" What happenned to all the women we know of in our history who fought for their country and their own pride? Why are we not talking about them? What women are you referring to?

Well, let me tell you that I was brought up in a very traditional, conservative family. But my parents gave me the right education and tools to live life in the right spirit. My father told me ...never to let ANYONE step on my back, be it my husband, my children or himself. He taught me thru every stage in life that life is very precious and you live it once. You cant think back when you are 75 if your life would have been better if you had made your decisions differently.

You also say: "if ur feeling the loss then u will neevr be able to forgive urself..." Forgive myself for what? For leaving someone who did not take his duty as a husband serioulsy and not protect me from his sadistic folks??

Well, H E L L O....please note that I am extremly happy as a person that I made my decision to leave my EX Husband because he was similar to Vaidehi's husband, but not nearly to that extent. But I still left him because that is not what I bargained for when I got married.

I am very happy now and you know why I am happy?

Because today I am a better mom!!!! I have more time to value the important things in life, like my son, than spending my time crying over some fool who has no value for his wife and her peace of mind.

Because my son is much more happier than ever!!!! He sees two parents who are living apart, but are more happier, sane and not arguing than having both parents under the same roof, screaming their lungs off at each other.

Because today I have more energy!!! I dont have to go home everyday and endure the drama anymore and I am not emotinally drained.

Because today I am more satisfied with my career!!!! I dont have to sit at work and think about my miseries at home.

If Vaidehi's problems would have been so easily taken care of by giving him love and keeping herself quiet (which she has been doing for 4 1/2 years) she would not have been on this portal asking for help!!!!

I do agree with SUNITAGN. It is not easy to walk out of a relationship. I did not walk out of mine overnight. It took me 6 months to even bring the word "divorce" on my lips. I cancelled 4 seperate appointments with an attorney before I had the strenth to walk into his office. It took me 10 months to leave the house after I had made up my mind to separate. No divorced woman does this for fun. There is a reason why people decide to leave someone. Maybe it is different living in India as a divorced woman than being one in the US. But ultimately, if you are NOT happy, what is your life worth??

All in all, if "giving up self respect" = "husband's love" I would not blink for a second to make the decision that I want the first one.

I am not asking anyone to leave their husbands. You just have to think what is important in your life and make the decision. No one will do it for you.....it is your decision and you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

well said dear!

I don't see lot of indian women think like U do irrespective of their education. But in my experience even after U come out of a bad relationship, Indian society does not let U live your life. They discriminate ,look down on U, treat your kid differently, does not want to be friends with U.(believe me i'm talking abt the indian community in US??!!)

like to share your experiences as a single mother?
Wud like to know more abt U.

Originally Posted by vaidehi

Hello ilites,

I am sure many of ilites over here might have gone thru this many times like what i face in my husbands family, i m looking out for some valuable suggestions and guidance from my friends over here.

My in-laws (husband,Mil,Bil and Cosister), get lot of fun in making comments and finding faults in whatever i do, it has been almost 4 !/2 yrs of marriage and these peopleleave no oppourtunity to complain or find faults on me. initially my mil who started hating me for no reason( i mean it) is the driving force behind all the tortures which i face . I have always tried turning a deaf ear to all there comments and gossiping and has always helped my husband in whatever way possibe from my side, but when even he joins them inspite of supporting me i get really depressed and feel no meaning inmy married life.

My in laws get lot of fun in pulling my parents and brothers and passing comments on them, they leave no occasion where they compare or tell bad things about my parents and brothers. thats what irritates me more. i have openely discussed with my husband several times that i don't like them telling anything abt my family,since i never pull his family in any of our arugument, he tries to understand that very moment and will say sorry for it but then again continues doing it (in front of my mil).

My mil who is very possesive lady feels very happy about all this. i have tried explaining him,and sometimes i have been very violent too ,i start shouting at him back saying he has no right saying anything bad about my parents, but the thing is then my mil expects me to keep listening to all their comments and if i answer her or my husbnad she ets annoyed and shows all kinds of drama by gossiping this to my Bil and co sis (who r in US) abt me and keep saying all bad things abt me.

i feel very helpless since i cannot go and share this with my parents since they will feel bad ,they love me very much and have great respect for my husband.

My husband who works in a top MNC in very good position drawing a very good salary but who doesn't have this basic ethics within him. i really feel very pitty for my parents and feel very frustrated and now adays i feel very bad and don't know what should i do to change all this.

vaidehi

Dear vaidehi
Mine problem is the same as yours but little less intense.
Dear just do ur work and engage urself with some activities like meditation and praying. I personally believe that god help those who help themselves, and see the results. U might have heard of the proverb."AS U SOW SO SHALL U REAP"
Just have a lot of patience and dedicate urself to prayer and meditation instead of making people around u happy try to please god with ur luv and dedication only god deserves that. U will definately find some one holding ur hand. GOOD LUCK

LUV GAURI

Dear Vaidehi,

I am relate to what u must be feeling as i also endure the same. Mine is a love marriage which my in-laws were dead set again. My marriage is also 4 years old and i still am told how incompetent i am, how dumb i am, wat a misfit i am.....the gud thing about this whole thing is, my in-laws dont stay with us. thats the best thing.
But they come to visit atleast 3-4 times a year and always make me feel useless before they leave.

initially, like ur husband, my husband too used to join them but once i let him know that i didnt like it, he stopped. i think if ur hubby cares for ur feelings, then, he shud stop it. please tell him gently and patiently how hurt u feel when he joins ur in-laws in their bitter teasing.

If he doesnt, just ignore them or laugh along with them....says yes, how stupid i am, yes, wat to do, this is my habit and laugh along withthem. it will stop.

i hope it will. take care and dont take such things to heart as every1 goes thru the same.

Experience teaches you to be patient and tolerant. You suddenly realise that few things are not in your hands, there is someone playing your cards, you are only moving it.
To practice tolerance, you need not lose your self respect. As Vaidehi says, tit for tat always works.