Frustrated with hectic routine....

headspin · Jul 5, 2010

hi friends,
not sure if this is the right forum - so moderator is free to move it if its wrong.

problem is related to routine in married life. not sure where to start, so wil give a gist.

we are 5 adults and 1 infant staying together (dh, mil, fil, bil, me and DS. and a dog!!!). dh, fil and i are working. bil goes to college. mil takes care of DS.

from last 2 weeks, we have no domestic help at all. due to this, there is huge amounts of work. sweeping, mopping, dusting, cooking, vessels and most important taking care of DS. clothes are wahed in machine, but drying and folding them is become a task. clothes of 5 days are piled. house is dirty and messy as we try and sweep once in 2 days. mopping is become a weekly affair. and taking care of the dog is a big task. from 16 yrs, mil always had a cook/top worker or both. so now - obviously she is not able to do any work. so i wake up in the morning - boil milk, make lunch for all of us, arrange breakfast for dh, clean and sterlize baby vessels, pack lunch for all those who are going to work, clean kitchen and vessels used to cook. as i cant stand unclean bed, i clean my room, put the bed, clean the boathroom. all this before leaving to work. after work, i try my level best to cook. mil/fil go to phsiotherapy sessions every evening from 7 to 9.30. so DS is alone and i cant cook or clean anything with him. and he has started moving around now big time. crawling, jumping, trying to stand, has even fallen badly once! so any work with him around is impossible. dh gets back from work only by 10 pm. at nights after DS cleeps i enter the kitchen, clean day's vessels again, wash and sterlize baby's vessels again, put her clothes to wash, dry them. it becomes invariably 11 pm. after sleeping, DS wakes up atleast twice - to be fed, or at times, cranky to sleep. so i hold her in my lap for hrs together. to top it all, i am expected to leave work sharp on time in evening. i feel guilty of not contributing enough at work. though no one tells me anything, but being a senior team member of 5 yrs exp, i feel my attitude is not acceptable.

now... problem is its getting too hectic for me and i dunno what to do.
i offered to quit, by dh and mil tell me to continue. mil has health issues, so she too cant manage everything. top it all - weekends too are non exciting. mil wants to exclusively rest. i take care of the baby. my personal life is zero. dh and i havent spoken for the last 15 days. im getting stressed and miss talking and cuddling and being close to him. i feel depressed and irritated. but dunno what to do. no point complaining as veryone is doing their best...

pls help...

rajalakshmigopal · Jul 5, 2010

headspin,

This is the common irritating problem in every joint family system where there is a mix of housewife and working woman.You have written it clearly and most of them are not writing here.Thats the only difference.

You have to leave your work or hire a maid and cook.This can only solve your problem.since your inlaws are old, you cannot assign some work to them!

Take leave for sometime from work and take care of yourself!

sansmomy · Jul 5, 2010

Dear HS,
The obvious solution would be to hire a maid..but somehow i sense that you are searching for one and not yet got any...yeah, getting maids has become a real problem these days...

anyways, coming back to the problem...your routine seems to be real hectic...appreciate your patience and hardwork on this :thumbsup

I would suggest you to engage your DH to help you for some of the chores in the morning...He can surely contribute in sterlizing baby vessels, tiding up the bed, putting clothes for drying and then folding those...this will give you some relief and also you'll get to spend some time with Dh around you (helping you)....also, during weeeknds, you may take turns (between you and DH) to take care of DS...e.g. DH will care for DS from 10am to 1pm and you take charge of him from 1pm to 4pm or so...evening time can be spent with the entire family together plyaing with DS at home and ordering dinner from outside (just to give you a break on weekend evenings)....

about the guilt of not contributing enough at workplace, i really understand...Is there any way you can opt for work-from-home option? this will help you i guess...

~S.

Rakhii · Jul 5, 2010

Oh dear, first of all you need a hug . You are doing a great job. Having to shuffle between full time work, full time work at home AND taking care of a toddler is worth :bowdown. I am in awe...

Now to the point; the solution is a full time maid. I know its going to be a little expensive but surely you can afford one, given that 3 adults are working?

And before you find another maid, perhaps you can request your DH to wake up a little early and help you? If he is coming home only at 10 PM, obviously he must be leaving late in the morning? So can he share some work, like laundry/cleaning up the bathroom or any work which you do on a daily basis?

You can also request your BIL to help maybe? In any small way?

Whatever it is, you really need to ask. If you don't ask, they are not going to realize. You can gently suggest to your husband that you miss cuddling him, kissing him etc and those things can return if he can wake up just 1 hour early to make your life so much better.

I am also thinking, if you can afford to get away, go away for a weekend. That will be practically rejuvenate you.

ShilpaMa · Jul 6, 2010

Till the time you dont get a new one, try if you can get someone on a daily basis for even dbl amnt per day.

Also do as much as you can, leave the items dirty if its getting way beyond efforts to deal with.

Try restoring the older help with some perks/ increment.. these are phases and will pass by....

headspin · Jul 6, 2010

thanks all for being so understanding .

yes, we are not getting any maids. frankly mil is responsible for this. she has spoilt every maid be being over generous with them. fulfilling every wish of theirs, bringing them chocolates, giving advances of 10k to new maids, etc. top it all, everyone is so indisciplined. no one even lifts their own plate after eating. and mil has spoilt her hubby and sons. my dh is changing after marriage coz he has seen men helping in my family. but mil till date does every single work of fil,. she is dependant on him for every small thing. if he says its day - its day for her as well. trivial issues like - maid problems, dog problems, going to loo, timing of eating - she discusses with fil. fil was the one who instigated mil to throw out our existing (perfectly lovable) cook. she listens only to her husband/my fil. dh too strongly agrees to this. and says mil has spoilt everyone.

and in our area everyone knows this. no one from far away is ready to come so far. nearby ones know all the disadvantages.

about dh helping - he is the only one who realizes what im doing and helps me whatever little he can. and no, he doesnt go late to work. we leave together every morning by 8.30 and he at times drops me to office telling 'u must be tired' . he is doing his best considering he travels 45 kms one side to work and 45 km back! its mpossible for him to wake up even by 7.30 am. honestly i want him to rest as he gets very very tired and falls sick.

bil - no point. mil doesnt let me or dh tell bil any work. infact mil herself doesnt tell bil anywork. alsways defends him - he has to study, working hard, sleeping late. dh knows very well bil's routine. but he too cannot always fight with mil for supporting him.

anyways, im trying my best... lets see how long it goes.

flowerlady · Jul 6, 2010

Lure back your old help . After all the entire family is suffereing and you are doing everything alone.
This cannot continue for long as you will get exhausted soon. Tell MIL and FIL that a maid has to be tolerated as you cannot manage without one. Even housewifes keep a maid like your MIL did.
Get hold of the situation and tactfully call back your old maid . Increase her salary if she demands it. It will give you peace of mind and rest.
I hope that you are not taking care of the dog too .

mapleleaf · Jul 6, 2010

My head started spinning reading your routine.:spin
Try to see if you can work part-time instead of full time atleast for a little while.
You can also try to find if any tiffin services provide home-cooked meal in your area, you could atleast cater for dinner this way, might save you some energy and time.
If your son is old enough to go to daycare then you could try sending him one or two days a week, this way your MIL will get to take care of herself for a couple of days during the weekdays and will be able to take care of DS during weekends when you can get some rest.Try different combinations, something must work.
Hopefully you can find a maid and cook soon!

BeeAmma · Jul 7, 2010

Unless you stand up for yourself they will continue this. You/Your husband should bring out in the open your difficulties and lay the options out. Your bil is an able bodied adult, he should help out.

Your options are:
1. Everyone has to help around the house
2. You quit your job
3. The adjust with temporary maid

headspin · Jul 7, 2010

all u ladies out there are true. let me share what happ last night

i got back from work and kitchen was a BIG MESS. so i told mil the same thing. dunoo why, she got offended and said - u rest i will do it. then i started to search baby's bottles which lie al over the house. somehow this offended her again, but she kept quiet. then i told her about getting the old cook back. and she again refused. telling that lady was no better and she had no regrest in throwing her out!!

then bil came and asked mil to do some work. and she flared!! started yelling. bill yelled louder. she started crying. fil tried to calm them. situation was fine. i was with DS feeding him. suddely i heard a noise!!! thought someone fell. waited for some crying or yelping, but silence. honestly i was too scared to go out. not prepared to face in case mil fainet or passed out. but after 10 secs, i came out and saw mil was on the floor!!! i picked her up and fil/bil joined me. she was adamant to do ALL the house cleaning without ANYONE's help. guess it was her ego.

somehow i convinced her to go rest. DS was asleep now. so i swept and mopped the floor. made dinner. mil bathed and came - she seemed fine. but i started feeling guilty. dh was not in town so called him and spoke my fears. told him i would quit work coz mil wasnt able to handle. but he told me to relax and not worry. all would be ok.

anyways, before sleeping, mil came to my room. i made her sit and once again offered to quit work. she again refused telling 'its a passing phase' and soon we would find help. i told her it was her health, but she not to worry. and then - she conveniently put all the blame on me telling she got wild because i asked her abt the baby's bottles and about bringing back the maid! i was shocked. i anyways apologized and told her i wouldnt repeat. we spoke for some more time and she left!!!

now - im just feeling worse. guilty. scared - when she is alone at home with DS and god forbid anything happens to the baby/her - who will know? and who will hanlde mil? once 1 month back DS fell from bed. mil was paranoid and went into shock. it was more difficult to handle mil than pacify the baby! i seriously think its not a wise decison to leave her alone with the baby... but we are not getting any help. still trying and trying.. hoping for the best!