Husband watching pornography - What to do?

we hve been married for some years now, one day i found him in a room looking at some dirty websites, i closed the door behind him n left him alone although i was upset but as it was the first time i let it go.

recently i found that he recorded a porn movie, which i saw accidently. when i asked him he said he doesn't know anything abt it n there is noone else in the house except me n himself. do u men behave like that? is it normal? i know its okay to do n watch such stuff but i felt guilty that my husband is not happy with me. or he is using me. i haven't talked to him since 3 days as i don't know how to react. i hate those mocvies n find them disgusting. please advice what should i do.

i really don't want him to behave like a teenager! men please help me out here.
is he doing this stuff coz he doesn't find me attractive, or he is not happy with me as i don't behave like those girls on tv? or is he using me? please help!

Archna,
Saw that you were a little too worried with a rather common problem with men and wanted help.
There is no harm in an adult seeing a porn site or renting X rated movies. We will have to be concerned only when our teenage children do that.
Human sex, which ought to have been very simple, direct, sweet and straightforward has become highly complicated thanks to the attention we are giving to it.
Human sexual instinct manifests in several ways and this is just one of them, of the lot, the least harmful. In fact for men suffering from ED (erectile dysfunction which makes them impotent) the Doctor at times advises them to see such things.

Given the present day circumstances I wont blame a man who just sees some dirty sites and movies. Here also, there is a marked difference between a man and woman. (Another instance of 'Men are from Mars and Women are From Venus')
A woman would never like to visit a dirty site or see adult movies.
But a man will normally obsessed with such things.
And this cannot be taken as his rejecting you or that you have become stale. Most men, even if married to the world's most sexiest and beautiful woman, will still resort to such things.
Of course it has to be within limits. If he sees porn movies for some 30 minutes a day, no problem. But if he sees them for 3 hours then it will land him in trouble.
My suggestion is just look the other side when he does these things. Don't try to confront him on that issue. Watch for variations in his relationship with you. If there's a gross, unpleasant change in the relationship then you may have to think about attacking the problem.
As a man I can't go any further on this.
Senior women, Counsellors in IL may please help.
Varalotti

I am of the same opinion as Sridhar, just offering a female point of view here. I watched a few pop psychology shows on TV (like Dr Phil). From those, I understand that watching XXX movies and reading porn are quite common and 'normal' behaviour among men. It is almost acceptable to have these books and videos stashed in the garage or attic, especially in Western countries.

One reason why your husband is surfing thru adult sites may be because such topics get discussed in the office or after office hours. So, it could be conforming to peer behaviour.

Even if he is doing it on his own will, it is still okay according to psychologists. Most men know that the girlie pictures in adult magazines/sites are not even real and are computer generated. Still they choose to watch them. And men with pretty wives also watch adult movies.

This is nothing against you and you are not being used if he is just watching movies, reading porn or surfing salacious sites.

A couple of things to watch out here may be over use of credit card in pay sites. But I do not know if u can monitor your husband's credit card payments to these sites. Keep that in mind anyway.

And if you feel uncomfortable/threatened, physically or mentally, at any point, please be firm to refuse any such behaviour. Don't get coerced into doing anything that you do not like or do not choose to indulge in.

Take care.

hai archana,
it is our upbringing at fault ....allowing men to do what they want ....and restricting all on woman....for some men it is passion unto death....as u r now exposed to the men society u r finding it tough to come to terms....i would suggest u dont get worked up....just come to know they r so...and leave it at that...if u confront /u will be labelled a lot many things which u will not appreciate....like how woman dont like certain things men also dont like certain things and vice versa....it is a shock and i hope u try to get over it sooner the better....i could say a lot here but dont want to frighten u....i dont know how exposed u r in life....but it is better to be a little aware than a novice...men do complain woman r so ice like .....many even question dont they like sex at all and all....so just relax if u dont enjoy....but if u can try sitting along and comment over it.....once u join they will loose interest to a greater level..or who knows u may brush ur bed knowledge better...but if u r not comfortable just forget it and dont take it seriously....ur marital bed will be better if they learn things....think it this way and leave it...as long it does not go to serious bends...with grt comforting hugs ..pl use ur sense while talking abt this...not a straight away i dont like sort of stuff the more u mention like this they will do more.......hope been of help...regards...sunkan.

i agree with all of u my problem is i guess stupid. coz i was taking it personlly it has nothing to do with it he doesnt forces me to do anything but i just don't like the idea of him watching all that. i'm very exposed to all this stuff but i wud not expect that from my husband i just wanted him to know i feel guilty if does that. i feel bad abt my self just need to know how to react

Hi all,

I beg to differ from u all, how is that right for a man to spend all time in those things and not even confront him?

Sorry Archana, u have to go through this, but its nothing to do with u.

I understand everyone has curiosity & interest in those stuff and can express once in a while.

Whatever it is, I expect a man to respect his wife's opinion. I would suggest talk to ur husband and tell him that u understand and you dont like him doing these stuff. Husband should be free enough to talk to the wife and vice versa.. I am sure both come to an mutual understanding.

Just my opinon ..

Dear Archna

I agree with Sridhar,Vidya and Sundari...it is very common among men...nothing wrong in them doing it.

I have heard a lot of decent men saying this... ' See and enjoy ,don't touch and destroy'.As long as it is only this,there is no harm.

Like Sundari says,whenever my husband comments on the features of any woman,I join him too.We enjoy a relationship where we openly talk about these things,but it is always between the two of us.AFter all the commenting and discussion,both of us loose interest in the subject and then proceed on with our lives..

I agree with Sridhar wholly...I think he has put it very nicely..

Cheers

I do agree with what all the others have said. But as Selvi has also rightly pointed out, you can also talk to him about it.

If u had some habit like eating enormous amounts of chocolate or fries, I am sure your husband will mention it to you. In the same way, u could try telling him that you are uncomfortable with his surfing adult sites. If he agrees to stop, it is great.

If not, you also know that it is normal.

cheers
Vidya

Archana,

As Sunitha and Vidya has mentioned, this is very normal among men. You should never take this as a reflection on you. It is more to do with a man's biological makeup. Somebody once said, sex is to man what conversation is to women.

A man's sexual energy gets expressed in many ways. Looking at pornographic movies and masturbating is the least harmful of all. Confronting it will only make things worse.

However, it is natural for you to ask yourself, "If he wants sex, why doesn't he approach me?". There might be several reasons for it. One, it is a faster way to the end result. A couple's sex session can last close to an hour whereas his session lasts only 15 minutes or so. Two, it offers a little variety to have pleasure in his own way.

The thing to watch out for is his sexual involvement with you. Is he still involving with you at the frequency that you want him to? If not, then you need to talk to him about this.

Regardless, it is never a wrong thing to always ask yourself, "How can I make sex with me interesting and exciting for him?". For some reason, we Indian women don't put as much thought, energy and interest into sex as these western ladies.

Ankita