What i did is right?

Hi,

I have applied divorce after three years of marriage. My husband was with his brother in law business. He used to tell that his parents are not supportive to him. I also know that. So he demanded me for money to start business within 15 days of out marriage During that time i was not working, so i managed to give him my jewelery. He said that he will be working with one of his friend whom i know. After somedays i asked that the other friend about the business what my husband had told me. To my surprise he(friend) told me that he did not ask money he doesnt know about that. When i asked him (husband) he gave some reason and kept quit. I got conceived so i also did not concentrate on it. he was doing some job but never gave any money to me since i stayed in my inlaws place they used to take care of food, but for my expence he give some money. During my delivery he did not come only. I was admitted at 6AM and it was bit critical, he was in his place which hardly 10 kms form my aunts place but he did not come to see before i was taken to labor room which is around 10.30. I delivered a girl baby @ 12.30 after that only he had come to hospital that also he came and left within an hour. After that also he never showed much interest on me or my daughter. He said he is starting some business so i gave him some money by my jewels. He used to show me some bills and bring some money but he will take the money after 15 days. So i thaught that he taking the money againg rotation. After 9 months of my delivery i got job near my house just a kilometer, so i thaught i work to help my husband, he used this oppurtunity and get all the money from me. He also got me a servant maid from some village. she was good and helped me a lot. But he never pays money(Salary) to her father. I get angery and force him to give money to her. Once what happen that girl was wearing a gold chain, this guy had taken that jewel from her and pledged it. Not only that girls jewels he had taken my sister jewels which i had kept it my cuboard without informing me. I was searching for that jewels whole day and slowly i asked him about that after i had asked him only he said he had taken it. He also steels money from my father cuboard when i was in my father's place. Slowly i had started asking about this he will never reply to anything. I got job in bigger company with good salary, so i said i take all the jewel what is pledged by getting some loan that money also he had taken some jewel reset he spend it. After this my father started question him but he never replies he never stays in the house at all because my father questioning him. I have tel that my father only supported me to take care of my daughter since MIL said she cannot take of my daughter as she has to go out frequently (temple, and outing). So father, DD, My brother and I started staying together with that maid. My sister started geting my hints that i am not happy with my husband, and she started asking but i never told anything to anybody to my father also. Finaly My sister had asked her BIL to talk to me and to know my Problem. When that guy had started talking i was feeling very happy and started telling my problem to him and then to my father and to my sister, They had called my ILs and told everything. My husband never opened his mouth for spending money like that. By that time i have to clear nearly 2 laks which he took from my Uncle and others. Finally one he told to my ILS that i only spend so much on traveling and shopping such things. Fo example. once i had gone to trip with my cousins to Kodaikanal, for which i would have spent 2000. During that trip he (hus)had to give my sister some money for that money he had begged me like anything, he used to my office and Torched me for money, so i gave my DD jewels, When my ILs had question him about that jewels he had told them that i only asked to pledge it for my trip. I got really anger and said there is nothing between you and me hereafter. Moreover when i asked whether he will come for my DD 2nd birthday and about birthday dress he said he doesnt know whether that is his daughter.

That time i got a job in big MNC and had shifted to Bangalore. After all this once he had come to Bangalore with the help of that maid and shouted at me that time my father had gone to Chennai for some function. So my father had called my ILs and told them that he is doing all these things, To give reply to that, he had gone to my grandfathers place where my father was staying that time and told bad about previous love which i had told him.

During all this drama, My sisters BIL used to talk to me frequently and console me. So i started failing towards him, He is also married but he had a problem with his wife. But i did not do any mistake. But i started i loving him very much. I filed divorce case against my husband, still my case is going on. After two year i came to know abt my sisters BIL that he had cheated so many girl like this.

Now i feel that because of that guy(sisters' BIL) i filed case or i would have adjusted with my husband for the sake of my daughter at least, because i see so many people adjusting with their husband for the sake of their kids.

I feel that i had spoiled my daughter's life by not having her father with her. My husband calls her and wishes her on her birthdays alone. When we were together for her second birthday, he did not even buys her a dress or cake or not even spend time with her.

Now i myself hitting what i have done is right or wrong. My husband initially used to message me from somebody number that your husband is not good for you so you better come with me.

Please help me friends everyday i am feeling bad for my daughter, But i have to tell you all that my brother and father taking care her very feel. they love her like anything. But still it cannot be like a father's love.

Sorry for the very long post, yesterday was my daughter 5th birthday he had called her to wish her, so i felt very bad, I was crying whole night just came to office but still crying i wanted to talk to some one to get out of it that is why i posted my long story here.


once again sorry for the very long post.

Bagiya ,

Ask yourself why you applied for divorce ?

Was it because of his unsettling nature ?
Was it because he stole from every other person in your house and was not doing anything worthwhile ?
Or was it because you liked this other relative of yours and wnated to marry him eventually ?

If your answer was the third one then, i guess you were naive. Maybe you were too vulerable when you had such feelings about this man. But taking up a decision like divorce simply because you ' believed / assumed ' this relative could marry you and father your child was wrong.

Seperation shouldnt just be on assumptions. Yes, had you been so sure of this relative and had a bad marriage probably needing a new life was justifiying. Rather be peaceful than going through turmoils day in and day out.

Now, are you wondering wether you can go back to your husband ? Is he willing to accept things ? Do you get a hint that he wants his family back ? Then, you could make an attempt to go back.

But going back simply because you feel your daughter ' may ' be deprived of her father's love is not right. Are you talking about the same father of hers who had his doubts on who is the ' actual ' father of that little one ? Who could have bought some gifts or showed some love when he was actually around his daughter.

He simply looks lazy to me.. Give him the money and ask him to hang around.. he would probably do that.. But that is not being a ' good pop ' ! He needs to be responsible and has to fulfil his duties as a dad. He afterall bought this girl alongwith you !

If you are thinking like either-him-or-him-better-than-no-one .. then Yes, you are wrong.

If you arent thinking on those lines and had just applied for divorce based on the assumption that this relative of yours may like / marry you, then Yes again, you are wrong.

But then, life will move on Bagiya. Think wether your husband would take up his duties seriously towards you and his daughter. if you feel he would never.. then there is no point in trying to work this marriage all alone !

Take care..

Thanks for Replying me.

I know he will not be a good father or good husband. I am sure about that. But when others tell me that only money he had cheated you have a father for your daughter at least for the society but I am sure I had lost trust on him. When I talk to his friends, every one will say that he has to give so much money to us, I get really irritated. More than that, when he had told his parents that I spend money for traveling. I feel that for this small can’t he accept his faults, he simply puts blame on me. For some big problem he will sure run away leaving me in the trouble.

MY daughter yesterday asked me why Naveen Kumar Uncle (Her father) is not coming home. I don’t know what to reply. But am sure one day she will ask me about her father. I don’t know what I should say.

About the other guy I did not think of marriage at that point of time because I was not in the mood of thinking that. I liked the way he helped me and during my trauma some shoulder to support me. But after some times when I realized he also tried to use me for money, I was irritated with him.

That question arise when I hear my friend who is having similar kind of husband telling that her DD should have both parents, I feel that I should have adjusted with my husband for my daughter sake. What I think is, only me not able to adjust with this guy. I want to know what I should have done to save my marriage. But you know Preeti, how many time I have told him not to lie, don’t borrow money from others, but not even once he had done that. Some had told me that I should have not decided to work, so that he would have taken responsibility. But I am sure if I had not decided to work on that today my daughter would have struggle a lot.

You know Preeti; we have not gone out any where after marriage. Not event to hospital he will come with me. I thought the day will come; he will earn more and take me out. But that did not come to me at all.

When I type this message it strikes me that what I thinking his real stupid. But sometime I am unable to control my mind think of such things.

I am sure I will be very good MOM for my daughter.

Bagiya ,

My heart does go for you... Really. I know little things matter quite a bit in life.. Had he been supportive and trying to succeed but failed each time, had he been a very dutiful pop and sensitive hubby, had he not lied to you in the whole world who is after all called a companion for life, had he not looked like he is cluless and didnt want to take up responsibilities.. MAYBE you would have just stood by him. But there was nothing as such..

It is not right when people ask you to kill your emotions sooo much just for the sake of society and assuming that tommmorow your daughter may ask about her father and mistake you. Tommorrow is another story. I am sure with a mommy like you who does value human emotions and stood by loved ones esp. supporting her daughter not waiting for her hubby to take care of her, instead took up responsibilities and did things right.. your daughter will appreciate you.. Really.

People will talk what they can, bagiya. But end of the day it is you who is living with that life. So, when you feel you cant.. It means you cant. Period. I wouldnt personally push my friends into such insensitive lives on the pretext of being a mommy and granny ! It is nonsense.

I am amazed with your friends' suggestions of not working which may have got your husband responsibility-sense ! They are soo sure that things would have worked better if done otherwise.. But trust me if it doesnt
work.. they will have new suggestions that " YOU HAD TO WORK " !
So, telling it can become either this or that is indeed easy ! But according to me, it is stupidity.

Dont go too much for suggestions.. End of the Day the most important perso that matters here is YOU ! Only then comes your daughter..
You are fine then, your daughter will turn up a mature adult. Some day when she is old enough you can sit her down and talk t her about her father. Trust me, she will understand. If she doesnt.. it is all upto her.

Atleast you didnt live a life of deppression. That is soo important.

I also believe that my daughter will understand me, she is very smart. She identifies my emotions. Once I was crying because of my husband she came to me and said, “Don’t Worry MOM, Nothing had happened we have a very good life.” I was so surprised that how she is talking like this. After that incident I never cry in front of her.

Actually speaking I am happy now than when I was with him. I had brought a house in Bangalore; I had settled his entire loan. My brother and father are very supportive. They are taking care of my daughter when I am leaving early to office.

I should really thank God for giving everything good in life except husband.

Tomorrow is my case, I don’t know what will happen, and I am traveling to Chennai for this. This guy did not come for past 3 times, Judge should give me orders at least this time. I hope something good happens.

Hmm.. Just one sentence.. Be Strong and Stay Happy Always !!

It's time for you to move on.....don't brood over what you did is right......at this stage you have to be strong and face the future....remember the effort is the same ...that is ...either you make yourself miserable....or happy.

so i would suggest make an effort to be happy....wish you all the very best.

Thank you Sea Horse. I am trying to be happy, but sometime if anybody ask my daughter about her father, i dont know what to reply that makes me very sad.


This time he came to the court but his lawyer did not come. Next Date is in July. I don't know why my case is dragging like this.

What you did is right!!!

The wastrel of your husband would have de-energised you much more than you are right now... so you did the right thing by filing for a divorce... Do expedite the matter so that you can find closure to your past and look to your future...

Now, you have to make a good life for your DD... and that means giving her the "right answer appropriate for her age" to respond to queries directed at her about her father. Just let her know that God gives his children what they need and not what they want... and you as a mother is both mom and dad to her right now...

Take care of yourself and your DD... Forget about the friend who wants to stay with her husband for the sake of her DD, it is her life and her decision.. be available for help and support but dont be influenced by her against your better discretion...

Good luck
Harini

Thanks Harini for that suggestion. If my daughter asks me about her father, surely I will tell her this.

Now I have a lot of time to spend with my daughter in the evening as my office timing is 8-5. Generally she feels bad that I am not there with her in the evening, when other kids have their mom in the play area.

So I happy that in a way I am trying to compensate something


Thanks to everyone to help me to come of out that thought.