Please help

Hi,

I got married 9 months ago. Ours was a love marriage where i had to convince my whole family. But now I feel if I made a wrong decision. I got married in India and came to US..I work on L1 visa and bought my husband as dependent. He did not get a job here in US even if he had EAD. He got very frustrated and we stopped having any relationship between us. He is not romantic by any means. I understand his depression as a guy and adjust alot. But whenever fight happens between us, he uses very bad words which hurts me alot including breaking this marriage ..he is a guy and will marry how many he wants..like these and he gets so angry such that he breaks most things even expensive stuffs and he gets hurt himself or me sometimes too...I am scared that the way he acts during every single fight that neighbour can call cops too..All my savings get lost to just make p the breakage and to keep him and his family happy...I feel like money making machine to them...
Apart from that he is caring but doesn't understand or bothers to understand and respect my feelings. He is a momma son..Whatever they say he listens... I am not able to dicuss my situation with my parents back india as they will break. Now he is telling he wants to go back to India...and I'm very scared of moving back as even the caring nature gets lost when he sees his mom and others there. And , now i realize he is totally male egoistic kinda person. All this started happeneing right after first month of marriage. I sometimes feel enough of marriage life and get a divorce. But I couldn't even think the way he will react if I have a discussion on this. Also, I'm not sure if I can file divorce in US and if it will be valid in India...I started feeling single life is way better. Please do advice.

Also, my DH is the youngest from a family of 4 sisters and 1 brother. The only reason I got married and bought him US was , he wanted to come to US and I felt it will help his family improve on financial situation. I spent every penny for our marriage as my parents were not willing also just for him. Now I feel totally exhausted ... Please do advice

Thanks in advance

Not sure as to how long you had known him before your marriage. Does he apologize after his tantrum exhibitions ?

is he trying this male domination to curb his feelings of insecurity that he is dependant on you? may be he never tried these waters of depending on a woman in an unknown land.

male's frustration on depending on a woman cannot be explained in words, the only thing that is a self respect for a man is his capability to earn. Have you ever sat with him and tried to help him out on this.do you take care of him, like cooking, etc... for him or are you trying to get work done from him during his stay at home.....i do not know just trying to figure out the reason for his behavior.

I would suggest have patience with him, when we marry someone we swear not only to be with them during good times, but in times of trials too........before you decide he is unfit to live with (which iam sure he is not, you have said he is otherwise caring)

lets only hope for the best at this point in time as you guys are newly wed, i do not know how much of time you guys have really invested with each other, to know each other

hi nm1983,
i dont know what to say, besides being on the same boat. mine was arranged 'supposedly', but it was totally by choice. people will be shocked- this is the 1st time i'm revealing this- but my now-husband came to visit me & get to see/know me in the US after our families contacted each other in india. but when he came, he actually forced me into getting physical- kissing/hugging. i totally agree i was also at fault, and hated myself for doing that since that min till now and forever. i guess there is a proverb in tamil- when cotton comes close to fire- it is always cotton that gets burnt, and i felt it. so i told my parents i will only marry him adamantly, even though he didnt have a job then (finished his masters and doing phd), and i was a 2nd year resident. my dad had only let him come to see me but hadnt decided on the proposal. after his visit, my parents visited his home in a different state in india, and were totally shocked!! they were in hyd city but totally 50 years behind in thoughts, poorly kept house, very disorganised, not very warm/ welcoming, etc etc. but i still said i would marry him, and to this day i feel guilty as i feel i cheated my parents and snatched their joy/ pride, had i married a suitable person. i married him within a month, and hoped he would atleast think better since he has been in US for 10 years. but he is also same like his people- selfish, self-centered, thinks he is perfect and finds blame on everyone else. i am on h1b and he is now my dependent. he blames not having valid work visa for not being able to find a job. he found a great job few months after marriage but due to his attitude with manager- had problems and bad review and got fired. now i dont have hope that he will ever find a suitable job which he will keep. he is not easy going and not pleasant to deal with. inspite of all trouble he creates, he still feels he is great. we have so many arguements and fights, and i have become more short tempered and irritable. he is paranoid, and sometimes i want to move away from this life and go back to being single. even though he has no job, he still wants to dictate and comment about me and my job. he doesnt feel guilty atall that he is not working. he seems to be desparate and hunting for jobs, but continues to want to enjoy life in possible ways. i dont know if this is good or bad, but i always feel i deserved a better person. i have become a different perosn, more arrogant, constanly arguing and just selfish since i've been with him. i feel he has passed on some of his traits to me. i hate the new me. but i know my parents will be broke if they know what i feel. they feel guilty that they found a not-so-great match for me. i guess its just destiny. whether love or arranged or some crap like mine- it doesnt matter. finally life is a gamble, if you didnt win- you still go on.
:)me

Dear friends,

Iam moved after reading your posts.Men tend to become wild and violent when they are dependant on a woman,particularly his wife.He just scares that his wife may say something about his dependency or may ill treat het.So they started to act superior and authoritive.

Just ignore them.They should definitely responsible at some point of time.Make him understand his responsibility.

Good Luck!

Dear NM ,

Let us keep ' divorce ' as the last resort... It is too early to even think about it.. because you seem to be confused according to me.
First of all, decide what you think of your hubby. You cannot say he doesnt understand me, abuses me, hurts me, tells he could marry someone else as he is a guy, cannot control his temper and breaks things and is annoying to the nieghbourhood and you but is very ' caring otherwise ' !
Now, what do you exactly mean by this.. He is quite when he is asleep ??
Cmon, NM.. If he is a good guy otherwise and you are one hundred percent sure that he is genuinely caring no matter where you both live, then there is just one decision you could make.. Going back to your hometown / city and live happily ever after !
But, if you have a gut feeling that things can ' only ' worsen once you go there and life is not going to be any good , then you must stay back here and tell him he either could lookout again or he could move back. You have a job right now and would want to continue it for sometime. Distance can play wierd games in our mind. It either makes or breaks a relationship. Now that is the risk you will have to take.
So sit back and think hard.. What do you think you can " handle " ??
A distance hoping that things will get better or maybe a realisation of your actual relationship.. OR going back and trying to handle if things get worse in India.. ?
However, frustrated he is , he shouldnt be throwing tantrums and abuse you at any cost.. It could get him into trouble he must know.

Is he very sure he will get a job now in India ? If he is, then are you ready to give up yours here ? You could also take a month's vacation.. go to India and he could apply for some jobs there.. You could also see how comfortable you are amongst his people and his behaviour that you dread of. You could come back to CA and promise him that once he gets a stable job you will come back or you could say you have some work to finish up her before you think of resigning here. During this time, you can really gauge wether you and he are happy with/ without each other.

You will never know till you start doing something.. These are the options I can think for your situation. Now it is upto you to decide what you can handle.. Take care !

Dear NM,
As Dr. Preethi said it is too early to think about seperating. As you had a love marriage, you knew the person and understood him very well before getting married. These are the hard and testing time in your marriage. So support him,share his concerns and everything will change once he get a job.
As a professional H4 housewife, I sometimes feel frustrated and moody. I wish I could be of some financial help to my husband and also be financially independant. It would be same in case with your hubby too, but in a greater magnitude,as our society's norm is "man works and woman cooks". That frustration is the source of his outburst.
So cherish the good moments and forget the bad one's. Be supportive and don't push him too hard. Remember the old adage 'behind the success of every man there is a woman".
Have a happy married life!!!
-Nitha

2 quick suggestions.

1. Try talking to one of the nice and mature elder sister of his. Become friends with her and ask her to talk some sense into him. Screw the ego and confide to someone who can help.

2. Do not move to India by quitting your job. You might not get as good as a job back home and unemployed is the last thing you want to be when you are not in a good marital relationship.

Take care.