In an unhappy marriage!

VijayaBharti

I can understand your pain and agony. Its quite draining to experience when you see four years of togetherness has not even generated any sense of empathy forget about strong bond. I would have asked you to try things differently if it was first two years of marriage. I would assume you have already tried, everything you could.

Now try the last resort before you actually take plunge in divorce. Talk to your husband openly about everything you feel, tell him its important that he listens and tries to udnerstand. For you have tried four long years to mould yourself in the cast they wanted you to be in. No adult person can change their intrinsic personality. And in healthy marriage no one should expected to change that. Marriage is as much as a mutal need, it can never one way traffic. If there are issues , both have to bargain some and gain. If one person keep compromising and other person stands like rigid pillar. There are strong chances marriage will hit rock bottom and both partners will go tangent. Tell him you want both of you to stay apart for sometime, so that he can understand his part of inflexibility. If you dont see any empathy, than its time you made a call to happy life, rather than unhappy married life.

Ria

 

Dear friend,

i feel it is my story and i can very well understand the problem. eventhough i was not staying with my inlaws, we had to visit our inlaws once in a month ( quite stressful journey of 8 hrs) .

Apart from that my DH used to get really very angry, whenever i just start any topic about my inlaws. We had lot of differences.

So i decided to move to a different country, and i told my inlaws that i am visiting for short duration. I thought if my DH moves and stays away from inlwas for sometime, he will have good bonding with me. But he tried to threten me that he wants to separate from me , if i donot come back .
He even started blaming my parents and especially one of my brothers.
It was very usual that he keeps calling my parents for small mistake i make.
But that continued even when i started staying separately.

Mine is a very orthodox family. I have never seen divorce in my close family circle. So i am bit concerned abt separating legally from him. I feel i am not in a age to find another person . Also i feel the same for him too. He might very violent at times, but somehow, i donot want to divorce from him.
So he is planning to come here and search a job.

I know, my DH from the beginning of the marriage has been very unromantic. But what to do , i just feel, i donot have any other ways.

But my strong suggestion to you, is that if you are very confident, try to stay separately and see for sometime, if things change( Or try to make u'r DH find a job in another city). If u plan to stay sepately, make sure that u put more effort to make yourself self dependent. Whatever happens, u need to be strong enough.
I am telling this from my personal expierience, . With these tensions in mind u may not be able to concentrate on work, when u start staying alone. But u need to be strong to handle this. As there is nobody to financially support you. And it is bit stressful to handle this circumstance. So u need to put more effort to professional side during this time.

This is just a suggestion from me from the real life expirience i have gone through. I know every situation is different and you are the best person to judge what is good for you ( and what is feasible). But i hope some of these will help u in taking the decision.

Cheers,

 

I completely agree with Ria's point of view. It is important that before you take a plunge in any one direction, have a long talk with him in a neutral environment and as calmly as you can. Be honest with what you feel without playing a blame game, set your expectations clear. I understand that in these 4 years you may have tried it all, but it is worth one more talk isn't it?

Your pain is felt by many women here, be assured of that. We all have to find our own solutions to such situations. It is my opinion that no healthy marriage has ever stood on the foundation of compromises made by one person alone, it only renders that person unhappy. Work one last time at this, for the sake of those 1.5 years of happy times.

I wish you all the best

 

hi vijayabharathi,
we both sail in the same boat...my husband s the only child and i have ony my MIL and we are all staying together....she doesn'nt even like me in their company and my husband never breaks his mother's rules...she hate me serving him food and any personal work i do for him ....she is so pocessive about her son and for that reason starts a quarrel with me and finally me and my hubby end up fighting....but lifes like that its never easy for everyone pls try to ignore these things put the rest on god...i will pray for you...

kavitha

 

Hi,

you know what...After getting married every female(atleast most of the) gets same experience.You may think your situation is more & more complicated than anyone else's problem...after all you are tolarating this from last 4 long years..
But my dear sweet lady,dint you ever get scolding from your mom..dont you evr had difference of opinion with your parents..its generation gap dear..its nothing just a mind set that MIL scolds and interferes in our life(which is true upto 80%..)still take that remaining 20% where we come from outside and captures there home on which she was ruling from several years..sometimes they hurt...sometimes they give tension... but end of day,we get a person who cares for us,that is our DH.Infact its tough to manage but look at your Dh face,who loves you..for that ,be more attentive towards his parents.. try to be friendly with your In laws..even they scold or talk harshly(that will hurt badly...)..let it be.. be good and feel good...
its little advice...plan your family now...that will bound u better with your DH as well as with in laws...
try it,trust me...Good persons left few...dont leave, who r with you..

take care dear...
wisha

 

Hi Vijayabharti,
I feel really sorry for you. But, cheer up girl. Lots of women face this problem, whether they live with their in-laws or not. My husband n I dont live with in-laws. But when we are together, he never sits next to me once on the sofa; always chooses a seat next to his dad/mom. He sleeps on mamma's lap every afternoon (really!) and keeps our bedroom door open at night. My mil once fought with me when i gave some sweets to my husband, bcos she said she knew his taste better n that he wudnt eat them! She does all petty things to satisfy her own thoughts that he's indeed mamma's boy n wud never prefer my actions to hers. My husband never realises these stupid acts of hers; he only laughs at them n thinks i'm silly & trying to create problems when i speak to him abt them. However, he wants me to wait on them hand n foot, just like ur husband does. He pampers them n lot n makes me do the same; else, they call me ungrateful n spoil my peace. what i'm trying to advise you is: ignore their stupid doings. if u feel ur husband is unromantic, talk to him abt it n convey the importance of enjoying ur married life. i guess it's not too late for u to have a baby; so talk to him abt it; i m sure things wud change for the better when u become pregnant (hope i'm not too bold in suggesting this).
If you try to change ur attitude n lower ur expectations, it wud help u a lot. Dont give up yet. :thumbsup
Cheers.
Sandhya

 

Dear Vijayabharti,
Sorry to hear about your situation.
If going seperate is your decision then I would suggest not to hurry to implement it. Agreed that your man's extreme dedication to his parents must have been frustating for your own relationship with your spouse and you must be feeling like an outsider in the house even though living there for 4 years , but still I would suggest giving this situation one more chance. Not all Indian man are mumma's boys, besides people do change with time or at least improve when they think it has become necessary.
I donot think that you have ever suggested to your hubby that you will leave him. Its only him who has asked you to leave the house during fights. You need to communicate to your hubby all the pent up anger and suppressed feelings which you are having locked in your heart. May be its only that you think you are suffering where as your inlaws and hubby have not even cared to look at your situation.
But do not blow it away in a big shot, do it with maturity and slow pace.
Talk to hubby in the absence of inlaws, If inlaws accompany you everywhere then snatch a few hours during work days and schedule a meeting with hubby at outside location. Tell him how much hurt you feel because of his behaviour and you have somewhat reached a point where you cannot take it anymore.
Do not accuse his parents, it will only flare up the situation. Just put across your point that he need to be more caring and attentive towards his wife. There are men who love their parents and take care of them but they also love and take care of their wife at the same time. He need to think along these lines.
Ask him why has he always considered you as a threat to his parents. Tell him you are NOT a threat to his family. You too respect his parents and want to take care of them but as a wife you crave some privacy with him which he has never given. Otherwise you are finding it difficult to continue living the kind of life you are living since marriage.
Put your point across that you are tired , bored and sad and then put the ball in his court.
Do ask him to take some time to reply to your conversation. Give him time to ponder and think upon this. Then again meet after a few days and hear what he has to say.
May be he will decide to improve rather than going seperate.
If your hubby and inlaws become somewhat relaxed towards you won't it be a nice . Think if such a thing happens then would you still want to go away from them, you need to find this answer for yourself.
Sometimes we have to mould / train our husband when they donot automaticaly do what we desire them to do ;-)
Easier said than done but just give it one more try. Take the final decision if nothing works.

Regards.

 

HI ,
Well said, WISHA..
A lot depends on the DILs mindframe too.We often get to hear that u shld treat ur in laws as ur own parents.Though it is not 100% possible,if u be a bit more tolerant and consider the fact that they r more experieced and worldly wise things can be better.
Mothers are all possessive.The number of children doesnt matter in this regard.may be you can start taking things positively and try not to react (try counting from 1 to 10 when u hear something unpleasant.it works for me) at every comments passed by the in laws.Be as sweet as possible with them and with your hubby.AND then try and slowly make him aware that u need a life for urself.try and find some better prospects for u both somewhre else and make him aware of it.....but for this u need oodles of patience and tolerance..
wish u all the very best